To not want to put up with manipulation from MIL?

[confusedma]

Every time MIL doesn't get her way she will call DH "just to check how we are" and "accidentally" cry. So she'll call but be all quiet and sad. DH will ask what's wrong, "oh it's nothing, I don't want to burden you with it", DH will persevere, "nothing, I'm just sad with how things are between us but I don't want to go into it and trouble you" then suddenly bursts into tears and reveals that how she envisioned being a grandma isn't matching her experience and it breaks her heart.

• she's sad that she doesn't get listened to enough. She told me to continue breastfeeding till 2 years and I stopped at 1. She told me to take my baby outside less in cold weather but we still spend loads of time outside (wrapped up!)
• she imagined she'd be able to pop round whenever to ours to see her grandchildren but I've recently asked her to contact me and ask before coming (she cried to DH the evening I politely asked her to arrange in advance and cried every time I've said "not today as I've got plans, but maybe later this week?")
• her heart breaks that she isn't being asked to babysit but instead we've got a paid nanny (I find it easier with a paid person because there are clear instructions, nanny follows them, whereas MIL often dismisses my ideas by saying "ah that's just a first time mum way of doing things" or "no I think we should do it like this" so I highly doubt she'd follow instructions). Although she sees her grandbabies at least once a week! Just with me and / or DH present.

DH falls for it every time, gets genuinely upset that we've upset his lovely mother when "all she wants is what's best for us".
He has a younger sister, SIL (she's 26, DH is in his early 30s) who will do literally everything mum tells her even though SIL is an adult. To the extent that MIL says "oh I don't like this on you" and SIL won't wear it again. Or SIL had a boyfriend she really loved, we met him and all got on, she seemed so into him. Then MIL met him and said "you can do better" so SIL left him. DH isn't quite as obedient as SIL and never has been but you get the family dynamic - MIL rules the roost.

This is what I was wondering - surely she has other interests of her own, rather than just obsessing about visiting you or spying on what you are doing? She's not old and at her age most people still have full-time jobs and they certainly have other interests in their life. Perhaps that's her trouble, she has no other outlets in her life and she's fixated on giving you the benefit of her "advice" whether you want it or not?

Sounds as though she enjoys dominating her husband too and she's found that turning on the waterworks - works! Try saying 'no, that's not possible/not convenient for me'/oh, really? as they case may be, but with a sweet smile on your face but a firm voice as you say it. Then refuse to discuss it further, change the subject or get on with something else - be very busy. If pushed, rinse and repeat!😃

I said cheerily "you've had ur turn, I turned out great, well done!" and "my baby, my rules!" several times. Thankfully I've never been met with much opposition because my parents/family are lovely, but this is not a negotiation, it's a statement of fact.