Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

is my new partner starting to get abit weird about money and assets

638 replies

smilingeleanor · 29/12/2023 19:27

Name changed as some of this might be abit outing. My DH passed away unexpectedly over 4 years ago and I have been seeing my partner for about 9 months. Wasn't looking and still not sure I'm that ready but we met at a work conference thing and it's been fun and easy ....ish until more recently

I have 5 children - 4 living at home, eldest DD24 lives with boyfriend, adult DD20 at university, DS19 working full time and then DS14 at secondary and DD9 in primary school. New partner has 2 sons also both 14 who live mainly with their mum - all amicable.

There's been a few things of late concerning me - Started when i was having new flooring laid and he asked how I could afford it on my salary (we both earn about the same - we do the same sort of role so everyone knows the salary bands). He's hinted before about my house early on and I kinda had to say well my husband died but he's been angling for more info since. Life insurance paid off the mortgage plus a payment & death in service. I've mostly invested this and use my salary for the bills - but no mortgage or debts means salary goes further

anyhow I just laughed the flooring question off - but over xmas we got in a convo about a summer holiday. I was inviting adult DD who wanted to go and he overheard me say it was my treat - he was already wanting to go and would be paying himself but he then said can his boys come - fine by me they are nice lads and seem to get on on with mine but he sort made a joke about me paying for them as a treat. I nipped that straight away and said he'd have to pay for them as i couldn't and he got a bit narky saying well my sons and daughter who both work could pay for themselves freeing up that money

he later apologised but tried to say i do t get it as obviously have no mortgage or debt

anyhow - we've had another set to today. Having a NYE get together- DD and her boyf coming and will use the guest bedroom (her old room) as they always do. He seemed to think his boys would be there and has told them this - they don't want to sleep on air bed in my son's room or in the living room apparently.

He also says i'm closed off and secretive about my financial situation and doesn't get why

Im just abit fed up now - i dont want drama and i will not get into conversations about what i have invested and where. Although he did admit to looking up the market value of my house!

OP posts:
Sparklfairy · 30/12/2023 09:11

He's jealous that he has financial commitments that you don't, and you have more disposable income than he has on roughly the same salary.

I don't like the way he's sniffing around your assets and finances as if he feels entitled to some sort of claim on them.

Be careful with this one. He's probably playing it down so he can get a foot in the door with you, which is why in your second post you're saying you feel bad because 'he was never after money and didn't speak about it for the first 6 months'.

I suspect he's trying to play the long game to use you to improve his own financial situation, but sometimes he can't help himself and the mask slips. If you start to pull away he'll probably do a sudden proposal to 'lock you down'. Please don't fall for it.

raspberrycardigan · 30/12/2023 09:13

RosesAndHellebores · 30/12/2023 08:48

Surely the mistake he made was telling the op he looked up the value of her house. I thought that was pretty typical nowadays.

I think you'll find he:

*had an opinion on OP affording new flooring
*angled for info on her house and mortgage situation
*invited his two sons on holiday with OP
*told OP as she was paying for her DD, she should pay for them too (joking!)
*got narky when she said no, and said if her children paid for their own holiday it would free up money she could use to pay for his sons
*has rubbed OP's nose in the fact she is mortgage free (from death of DH)
*has volunteered OP's daughter's room for his sons to stay in
*harrasses OP over her finances and investments
*blames her for feeling uncomfortable about this
*seems to be bitter about OP's "good fortune" (aka the death of her DH) compared to his smaller house after his divorce (can't imagine why anyone divorced this gem)

He's a boundary pusher who is over-invested in OP's finances and wants her to move her children over to make room for and pay for his.

Jf20 · 30/12/2023 09:20

in the ops own words it didn’t start till he saw her home. He’d have suspected she had money if she’s five kids and a widow. He’s struggling with two. But needed to see the house to be sure.

i feel so sad, and so strongly when i see something like this, by continuing its how women end up in abusive and controlling relationships.

the op probably thought she’d met someone. That her life had taken a turn for the better, knowing it’s taken a turn for the worse and she’s made a mistake, that he wants what’s her and her kids have, from the death of her husband and their father, must be hard to take.

whatsthpoint · 30/12/2023 09:21

Unwisebutnotillegal · 30/12/2023 07:53

My friend who is in her early sixties has taken to lying if anyone asks her about her finances. When she dates her house is rented, she has no savings and her husband left her penniless. She even got fed up with friends taking the piss. I bought her a coffee last weekend and she said it was the first person who had treated her in 3 years. Everyone expects her to pay. She has fended off two potential cock lodgers and has only been widowed 3 years.

Good on you for doing that! Also brilliant user name.

VictoriasSponges · 30/12/2023 09:21

RosesAndHellebores · 30/12/2023 09:08

@VictoriasSponges the point I was trying to make was that it is sensible to be up front about one's assets and one's intentions for them. I note your comments about pensions - this is a financially savvy couple who were happy being companions, but getting married made sense.

@RosesAndHellebores It may have been a generous move for them but it's not mandatory. I have my pension now from my career and I had to nominate a beneficiary. It didn't have to be my husband. Likewise, I am nominated to receive his when he dies, but he can choose.

I've friends who married (some after 35 years together) solely to avoid inheritance tax. Likewise, I know a widow who did receive her 2nd H's pension when he died, but he left his house to his children (and she stayed in it until she dies.)

Viviennemary · 30/12/2023 09:22

He obviously thinks he is on to a good thing. Which is not very nice to say the least. However, if it was reversed then there would be the usual pile on saying he wasn't a sharer and a meanie.

Ktime · 30/12/2023 09:24

Unwisebutnotillegal · 30/12/2023 07:53

My friend who is in her early sixties has taken to lying if anyone asks her about her finances. When she dates her house is rented, she has no savings and her husband left her penniless. She even got fed up with friends taking the piss. I bought her a coffee last weekend and she said it was the first person who had treated her in 3 years. Everyone expects her to pay. She has fended off two potential cock lodgers and has only been widowed 3 years.

Whilst I agree with her approach, I wonder if her being in a rented home with no savings put off some men who were financially solvent and also looking to avoid a fanny lodger.

Merrymouse · 30/12/2023 09:28

OP you answered your question in your first paragraph. It was fun and easy, but now it isn’t. He is now clearly making you feel uncomfortable and unhappy, so end it.

The comment about you being ‘closed off’ and secretive is obviously🤮🤮🤮🤮, but even if it weren’t so easy to point at questionable behaviour, if somebody makes you feel like this you don’t need them in your (or your children’s) life.

2024IWillBeNurturingMe · 30/12/2023 09:38

Depends what you want OP. You say it has been fun and easy. Are you happy with fun and easy, a FWB, or are you looking for more? I think this is where your starting point is. If you don't think he is a long term keeper, then just keep him as your pet dinner date and oxytocin boost.

You need to be very careful. You have been compensated for the loss of your DH, the father of your 5 DC. That money is to take a little of the burden off you WRT the roof over your head, and your future. I bet you would like to be able to help your DC with a contribution to uni, their first house, a wedding, any issues they have in the future, wouldn't you?

DO NOT SPEND A PENNY OF YOUR COMPENSATION AND SECURITY MONEY ON HIM OR HIS FAMILY.

Pay half of meals, or take turns, pay for your own side of your holidays and days out. NO MORE. He has his own money. You need to put a ring of steel around your security pot and let no one near it.

For future ref OP. Don't ever talk about money with a BF. Let him think you are broke, owe loads on your mortgage, you have spent it all on your DC and you are just getting by. Pay your own way, but don't let them know. Hide info.

Men are very funny about women who have better jobs than them, or more money. They don't like it, and if they get their feet under the table they think it is "theirs" to spend.

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 30/12/2023 09:44

Firstly, I'm so sorry for your loss.

Your boyfriend saying your children can pay for their own holiday to "free that money up" to pay for his children, suggests he is viewing your money as a joint asset. He is trying to get control of your assets, spend your money for you and decide who sleeps where in your house.

If you're considering continuing the relationship I would tell him that, since your current financial position came from life insurance, your husband quite literally gave his life for that money, and that money is for his family, ie you and the kids. I'd be interested to see how he reacts to that.

Jf20 · 30/12/2023 09:47

Depends what you want OP. You say it has been fun and easy. Are you happy with fun and easy, a FWB, or are you looking for more

clearly more, as they have introduced kids, and were planning a family holiday, at only 9 months in. The kids shouldn’t even be involved at this stage. I understand fully why she’s done it though.

zaazaazoo · 30/12/2023 09:48

Make it known that your money will always end up with your dc not to a new partner even if married. See how he reacts

VictoriasSponges · 30/12/2023 10:04

My friend who is in her early sixties has taken to lying if anyone asks her about her finances. When she dates her house is rented, she has no savings and her husband left her penniless. She even got fed up with friends taking the piss. I bought her a coffee last weekend and she said it was the first person who had treated her in 3 years. Everyone expects her to pay. She has fended off two potential cock lodgers and has only been widowed 3 years.

That's just stupid, IMO.
She's living a lie . And could be seen as a gold digger.

Surely rather than tell lies, she needs to be more selective about who she dates?

Even before I was married, all my boyfriends and longer term partners had the same level of education and similar (or better) earning power.

And, if and when I am a widow, I'd be looking (if at all) for a man with a similar level of financial security, and professional background.

BIossomtoes · 30/12/2023 10:08

VictoriasSponges · 30/12/2023 10:04

My friend who is in her early sixties has taken to lying if anyone asks her about her finances. When she dates her house is rented, she has no savings and her husband left her penniless. She even got fed up with friends taking the piss. I bought her a coffee last weekend and she said it was the first person who had treated her in 3 years. Everyone expects her to pay. She has fended off two potential cock lodgers and has only been widowed 3 years.

That's just stupid, IMO.
She's living a lie . And could be seen as a gold digger.

Surely rather than tell lies, she needs to be more selective about who she dates?

Even before I was married, all my boyfriends and longer term partners had the same level of education and similar (or better) earning power.

And, if and when I am a widow, I'd be looking (if at all) for a man with a similar level of financial security, and professional background.

I don’t think it’s remotely stupid. It sounds eminently sensible to me. If I was widowed I won’t be looking for another man at all but I’m not stupid - I realise that my house and standard of living would be an absolute magnet for any chancer looking for a meal ticket.

Jf20 · 30/12/2023 10:18

VictoriasSponges · 30/12/2023 10:04

My friend who is in her early sixties has taken to lying if anyone asks her about her finances. When she dates her house is rented, she has no savings and her husband left her penniless. She even got fed up with friends taking the piss. I bought her a coffee last weekend and she said it was the first person who had treated her in 3 years. Everyone expects her to pay. She has fended off two potential cock lodgers and has only been widowed 3 years.

That's just stupid, IMO.
She's living a lie . And could be seen as a gold digger.

Surely rather than tell lies, she needs to be more selective about who she dates?

Even before I was married, all my boyfriends and longer term partners had the same level of education and similar (or better) earning power.

And, if and when I am a widow, I'd be looking (if at all) for a man with a similar level of financial security, and professional background.

It’s not remotely stupid. And if she’s with someone who can’t respect she’s self sufficient even if she doesn’t own, and will think she’s a gold digger, then she’s dodged a bullet there too

the ops relationship was going fine till he realised she’d money. Which he’d have been suspecting anyway due to her being an early widow with five kids and on the same wage as him. Now he’s trying to get his feet under the table and demand his kids get a share. Its revolting.

VictoriasSponges · 30/12/2023 10:25

I don’t think it’s remotely stupid. It sounds eminently sensible to me. If I was widowed I won’t be looking for another man at all but I’m not stupid - I realise that my house and standard of living would be an absolute magnet for any chancer looking for a meal ticket.

It is not eminently sensible to start any relationship based on a lie. It would also be very hard to maintain the level of lies needed to present that front (just as it would be to pretend wealth , if that was untrue.)

It's also not doing yourself any favours to present yourself to the world as someone who has no assets (say, by the time you are in your 60s or older.)

You - or anyone- should be able to sift out 'chancers' partly by getting to know them on a very casual level or as a friend first.

I , like you, @blossomtoes have a very comfortable standard of living and assets, and would be considered 'wealthy' but I'd not discuss this with any man except on a 'need to know' basis. And my assets would go to my children, regardless.

The point with the OP is this man doesn't need to know.

VictoriasSponges · 30/12/2023 10:29

My friend who is in her early sixties has taken to lying if anyone asks her about her finances.

What is stupid, is dating men who ASK about her finances.

That for me would be the end of the relationship.

Friends- well, my very close friends have already known me for 40+ years and have a pretty good idea , not of my bank balance, but our standard of living. They wouldn't dream of asking.

My friends who are widowed are happy to say their husband's pensions have meant they are not penniless. I have no idea how much that is and I'd not ask.

Jf20 · 30/12/2023 10:33

And to be clear what makes it revolting is this isn’t your common or garden cock lodger. This id a man targeting a widow and trying to take from her children who lost their father 4 years ago. The only reason the op can afford to,pay for the holiday is due to the money paid on his demise, giving her more disposable income as no mortgage etc. He suggested she make her own kids pay and to pay for his instead. He only suggested they come as he thought he could get her to pay for them all.

he even tried to get his kids into her daughters room and to displace her. And he purposely went out his way to work out how much her house was worth.

RosesAndHellebores · 30/12/2023 10:36

VictoriasSponges · 30/12/2023 10:25

I don’t think it’s remotely stupid. It sounds eminently sensible to me. If I was widowed I won’t be looking for another man at all but I’m not stupid - I realise that my house and standard of living would be an absolute magnet for any chancer looking for a meal ticket.

It is not eminently sensible to start any relationship based on a lie. It would also be very hard to maintain the level of lies needed to present that front (just as it would be to pretend wealth , if that was untrue.)

It's also not doing yourself any favours to present yourself to the world as someone who has no assets (say, by the time you are in your 60s or older.)

You - or anyone- should be able to sift out 'chancers' partly by getting to know them on a very casual level or as a friend first.

I , like you, @blossomtoes have a very comfortable standard of living and assets, and would be considered 'wealthy' but I'd not discuss this with any man except on a 'need to know' basis. And my assets would go to my children, regardless.

The point with the OP is this man doesn't need to know.

Sadly this site abounds with women seeking advice because they haven't been able to sift out the chancers.

If anything happened to dh, I'd almost certainly downsize. The impression created by a three bed bungalow would be entirely different than if I stayed in our substantial house. Friends of course would know.

RosesAndHellebores · 30/12/2023 10:41

I'm sorry @Jf20 but your post made me think "this isn't just a Cockfosters, this is an M&S cocklodger. In other words a dedicated and super manipulative potential cocklodger.

@BarelyCoping123 you seriously need to get rid.

Farmageddon · 30/12/2023 10:44

Where has the OP actually said that this guy looked up the value of her home? That's not what her posts say, and yet it's been repeated several times on this thread. This place is like Chinese whispers sometimes...

He knows she owns the house with no mortgage, and most people could make a ballpark guess of a house value based on location/size, but it puts a different spin on things to claim that he explicitly researched the value of her home.

Anyway OP, I hope your chat with him goes well, and you get some clarity on what you want to do going forward.

Needapadlockonmyfridge · 30/12/2023 10:46

Farmageddon · 30/12/2023 10:44

Where has the OP actually said that this guy looked up the value of her home? That's not what her posts say, and yet it's been repeated several times on this thread. This place is like Chinese whispers sometimes...

He knows she owns the house with no mortgage, and most people could make a ballpark guess of a house value based on location/size, but it puts a different spin on things to claim that he explicitly researched the value of her home.

Anyway OP, I hope your chat with him goes well, and you get some clarity on what you want to do going forward.

She said it in her first post...?

Puzzledandpissedoff · 30/12/2023 10:46

Where has the OP actually said that this guy looked up the value of her home?

At the end of her very first post, Farmageddon ... "he did admit to looking up the market value of my house!"

BliainNua · 30/12/2023 10:47

Farmageddon · 30/12/2023 10:44

Where has the OP actually said that this guy looked up the value of her home? That's not what her posts say, and yet it's been repeated several times on this thread. This place is like Chinese whispers sometimes...

He knows she owns the house with no mortgage, and most people could make a ballpark guess of a house value based on location/size, but it puts a different spin on things to claim that he explicitly researched the value of her home.

Anyway OP, I hope your chat with him goes well, and you get some clarity on what you want to do going forward.

Last line of first post:
Although he did admit to looking up the market value of my house!

Ktime · 30/12/2023 10:47

@Farmageddon

This place is like Chinese whispers sometimes...

More like people just paying attention to what is actually written in the OP.

Swipe left for the next trending thread