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AIBU?

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Original poster

is my new partner starting to get abit weird about money and assets

638 replies

smilingeleanor · 29/12/2023 19:27

Name changed as some of this might be abit outing. My DH passed away unexpectedly over 4 years ago and I have been seeing my partner for about 9 months. Wasn't looking and still not sure I'm that ready but we met at a work conference thing and it's been fun and easy ....ish until more recently

I have 5 children - 4 living at home, eldest DD24 lives with boyfriend, adult DD20 at university, DS19 working full time and then DS14 at secondary and DD9 in primary school. New partner has 2 sons also both 14 who live mainly with their mum - all amicable.

There's been a few things of late concerning me - Started when i was having new flooring laid and he asked how I could afford it on my salary (we both earn about the same - we do the same sort of role so everyone knows the salary bands). He's hinted before about my house early on and I kinda had to say well my husband died but he's been angling for more info since. Life insurance paid off the mortgage plus a payment & death in service. I've mostly invested this and use my salary for the bills - but no mortgage or debts means salary goes further

anyhow I just laughed the flooring question off - but over xmas we got in a convo about a summer holiday. I was inviting adult DD who wanted to go and he overheard me say it was my treat - he was already wanting to go and would be paying himself but he then said can his boys come - fine by me they are nice lads and seem to get on on with mine but he sort made a joke about me paying for them as a treat. I nipped that straight away and said he'd have to pay for them as i couldn't and he got a bit narky saying well my sons and daughter who both work could pay for themselves freeing up that money

he later apologised but tried to say i do t get it as obviously have no mortgage or debt

anyhow - we've had another set to today. Having a NYE get together- DD and her boyf coming and will use the guest bedroom (her old room) as they always do. He seemed to think his boys would be there and has told them this - they don't want to sleep on air bed in my son's room or in the living room apparently.

He also says i'm closed off and secretive about my financial situation and doesn't get why

Im just abit fed up now - i dont want drama and i will not get into conversations about what i have invested and where. Although he did admit to looking up the market value of my house!

OP posts:
Jf20 · 30/12/2023 07:11

Op if you are tempted to do something silly, say maybe tell him let’s revisit the hols in the new year then let him come, or him and his kids come, then make sure he transfers the cash before uou pay. As he is going to rob you. He won’t pay it back, there will be excuse after excuse.

hed no intention of taking his kids on holiday. I’m not even sure he’s intending to pay for him to go, but get you to pay it, but if he was,then he could have used that money to take his kids away for a cheap break in the uk. He put himself first.

he only suggested his kids came as soon as he heard you’d be paying for your kids. He immediately decided his kids were more entitled to your money than yours, and tried to get in there, as said, I’m not convinced he even intends to pay for himself.

do you really want to be with such a low life, that he is trying to take from you, and take from your own bereaved kids, suggesting they pay for themselves so you can pay for his?

does he contribute equally at other times, pay for food, drink etc? Or has he already started getting you to pay.

Chowit · 30/12/2023 07:12

I would have got rid of him long before now.
No one, and certainly no man interferes with my finances or kids, including my own DH.

Pixiedustandtwinkletoes6 · 30/12/2023 07:19

Run

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 30/12/2023 07:20

He sees you as a bank. You've got no mortgage etc therefore assets and more disposable and he wants that lifestyle. Get rid. You aren't sure you're ready anyway, wait til you find someone who likes you for you, isn't interested in your money and you are ready.

I'm sorry you went through this too. I know I'd rather have DH here than the life insurance money x

123sunshine · 30/12/2023 07:32

Financial inequalities rarely work in a relationship long term.

momtoboys · 30/12/2023 07:33

There are SO many red flags here. I hope you dump him.

WelshMoth · 30/12/2023 07:36

Starlightstarbright2 · 29/12/2023 19:34

It would be a red flag to me .

He is interested in your money . Your kids would rather have their Dad than the money - he doesn’t get that .

This.

Your late husband's legacy will be quite rightly used to provide for and treat your DC.

He's been making calculations on your wealth to try and benefit himself and his sons.

9 months in? No thanks.

Has he moved in with you?

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 30/12/2023 07:37

He wasn’t like it to start with because he was getting his feet under the table.

Red flag bunting, can’t believe he looked up your house value. Why would you unless you were only interested in money.

Unwisebutnotillegal · 30/12/2023 07:53

My friend who is in her early sixties has taken to lying if anyone asks her about her finances. When she dates her house is rented, she has no savings and her husband left her penniless. She even got fed up with friends taking the piss. I bought her a coffee last weekend and she said it was the first person who had treated her in 3 years. Everyone expects her to pay. She has fended off two potential cock lodgers and has only been widowed 3 years.

DropDeadFreida · 30/12/2023 07:56

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 30/12/2023 07:37

He wasn’t like it to start with because he was getting his feet under the table.

Red flag bunting, can’t believe he looked up your house value. Why would you unless you were only interested in money.

This. Why do you feel uncomfortable about feeling like this when he clearly feels comfortable enough to harangue you about your finances? You would be doing a disservice to yourself and your children if you continued this relationship. If he's comfortable enough making these comments at this stage then what will he be like a few years down the line?

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/12/2023 08:01

You and your dh worked too hard to secure a financial future for you and your dcs. Either bin him off or say nothing to him about finances and see how far he takes this. You’re already in your guard.

Isthisit22 · 30/12/2023 08:11

Cosyblankets · 29/12/2023 22:51

My situation is similar. Widowed. No mortgage. House owned outright. I work mainly because i want to. Financially secure etc. Mainly due to life insurance but also i have saved hard.
My second husband has never once asked about my finances and says it's none of his business. We have separate finances and he transfers me money as we live in "my" house so all the bills were all in my name. As we were both in our 40s with no kids we've never had the need for joint finances. He works hard and never asks me for a penny. He'd be too proud.

He would still get half of everything if you split. Tis the law. Never re- marry

Jf20 · 30/12/2023 08:14

Isthisit22 · 30/12/2023 08:11

He would still get half of everything if you split. Tis the law. Never re- marry

Show quote history

Exactly, @Cosyblankets , unless you specially drew up a deed of trust to protect the house as your asset, on marriage he took ownership of half.

Grimpo · 30/12/2023 08:19

He also says i'm closed off and secretive about my financial situation and doesn't get why

I'd be asking him why he thinks he is entitled to that information.

Eddielizzard · 30/12/2023 08:23

Just because he wasn't like this in the beginning means absolutely nothing at all. Everyone is on their best behaviour for the first few months. Now you're finding out what he is really like. You're right to be wary.

Deborah54 · 30/12/2023 08:31

I think you already know the answer.
Bin him

TitaniasAss · 30/12/2023 08:34

I've just seen that he looked up the value of your house. Honestly OP, don't let this man into your life any further.

MeridianB · 30/12/2023 08:43

The more I think about this the faster I’d want him gone. The idea of spending time with (and being intimate with) this man who isn’t genuine is really unpleasant. Ditch him asap and enjoy the holiday with just your DC.

RosesAndHellebores · 30/12/2023 08:47

A friend of mine, widowed about 7 years ago and left well provided for, although only two DC, met a man, similarly widowed, at a party about five years ago. Far sooner than either of them imagined.

They are married now, principally so if anything happens to one of them the other gets the widow's pension. They were up front with each other from the very beginning, ensuring the result of their union would have no impact whatsoever on the respective inheritances of their grown up children. She went into it with more than him. Everything was drawn up by a solicitor.

RosesAndHellebores · 30/12/2023 08:48

Surely the mistake he made was telling the op he looked up the value of her house. I thought that was pretty typical nowadays.

VictoriasSponges · 30/12/2023 09:01

RosesAndHellebores · 30/12/2023 08:47

A friend of mine, widowed about 7 years ago and left well provided for, although only two DC, met a man, similarly widowed, at a party about five years ago. Far sooner than either of them imagined.

They are married now, principally so if anything happens to one of them the other gets the widow's pension. They were up front with each other from the very beginning, ensuring the result of their union would have no impact whatsoever on the respective inheritances of their grown up children. She went into it with more than him. Everything was drawn up by a solicitor.

Sorry but I can't see what they did having any relevance of connection to the OP here.

They married simply so one of them gets 50% of a pension? What a very odd thing to do.

And it's not automatic that married couples inherit pensions if one of them dies. You can allocate your pension (the beneficiary) to someone when you receive it (and it doesn't have to be a spouse- co habiting couples can inherit or sometimes, children.)

DeepEndCrispAndEven · 30/12/2023 09:04

It doesn’t sound like you fully trust him OP so don’t make yourself vulnerable.

VictoriasSponges · 30/12/2023 09:04

He would still get half of everything if you split. Tis the law. Never re- marry

It's not the law.

The law is that the starting point is a default 50-50 but each person's solicitor works in their best interests and it may end up 60-40, or 70-30, depending on their ages, earning potential, assets, etc.

Ktime · 30/12/2023 09:06

Zoreos · 29/12/2023 21:01

It’s good you’re going to have that conversation.

What dangers can he possibly be perceiving that makes him want to be protective of his children either sleeping in your son’s room or the living room? Unless you keep a 15ft crocodile in either of those rooms then it’s not him being protective is it. He believes his children are more deserving of a better style of comfort than your own children. He seems to be trying to de-class your children and get you to treat them as second class citizens in their own home. Both with the sleeping arrangements and making your children pay for their holiday so his kids can go for free. You don’t seem to be bothered by this?

Edited
Show quote history

I think OP means protective in the sense that he wants his children to have exactly what OP’s kids have.

Which is unrealistic because it’s OP’s house and money.

He’s a parasite.

RosesAndHellebores · 30/12/2023 09:08

@VictoriasSponges the point I was trying to make was that it is sensible to be up front about one's assets and one's intentions for them. I note your comments about pensions - this is a financially savvy couple who were happy being companions, but getting married made sense.

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