is my new partner starting to get abit weird about money and assets

[smilingeleanor]

Name changed as some of this might be abit outing. My DH passed away unexpectedly over 4 years ago and I have been seeing my partner for about 9 months. Wasn't looking and still not sure I'm that ready but we met at a work conference thing and it's been fun and easy ....ish until more recently

I have 5 children - 4 living at home, eldest DD24 lives with boyfriend, adult DD20 at university, DS19 working full time and then DS14 at secondary and DD9 in primary school. New partner has 2 sons also both 14 who live mainly with their mum - all amicable.

There's been a few things of late concerning me - Started when i was having new flooring laid and he asked how I could afford it on my salary (we both earn about the same - we do the same sort of role so everyone knows the salary bands). He's hinted before about my house early on and I kinda had to say well my husband died but he's been angling for more info since. Life insurance paid off the mortgage plus a payment & death in service. I've mostly invested this and use my salary for the bills - but no mortgage or debts means salary goes further

anyhow I just laughed the flooring question off - but over xmas we got in a convo about a summer holiday. I was inviting adult DD who wanted to go and he overheard me say it was my treat - he was already wanting to go and would be paying himself but he then said can his boys come - fine by me they are nice lads and seem to get on on with mine but he sort made a joke about me paying for them as a treat. I nipped that straight away and said he'd have to pay for them as i couldn't and he got a bit narky saying well my sons and daughter who both work could pay for themselves freeing up that money

he later apologised but tried to say i do t get it as obviously have no mortgage or debt

anyhow - we've had another set to today. Having a NYE get together- DD and her boyf coming and will use the guest bedroom (her old room) as they always do. He seemed to think his boys would be there and has told them this - they don't want to sleep on air bed in my son's room or in the living room apparently.

He also says i'm closed off and secretive about my financial situation and doesn't get why

Im just abit fed up now - i dont want drama and i will not get into conversations about what i have invested and where. Although he did admit to looking up the market value of my house!

Award for melodramatic comment of the year!!!

It's far too early for him to be making decisions about who sleeps where in your house. He will also likely be more broke due to having to pay child maintenance and therefore support two properties. If you continue with this relationship, then I would just reiterate that you don't pay child maintenance or support two properties. I think that he's angling to eventually move in and reduce his costs. You've only been dating for 9 months. It's a bit early for family holidays etc. I would go with your own kids and then go away with him for a weekend (his treat).

🤣

Actually he would know OP won't get married and leave him the house. If she remarried it would be put in trust for her children.

@smilingeleanor

I totally agree with the poster on here , who said @Dora26 that this guy has got more red flags than communist convention,!

Hot foot it the opposite direction,

he is seriously fishing 🎣 and 😳eyeing you up,

as whether you are good enough financially investment and gullible and naive enough to fall Hook line and sinker for his false superficial charm facade,

He is a Wolf 🐺 in 🐑 sheep's clothing,

The mask is start to slip , and expose his true self's,

I really don't like the sound of this 😕 one, this guy you are currently with.

He does not sound like a keeper. Your financial situation is none of his business.

Very perceptive. While you don't sound 'vulnerable', and I'm sure you don't feel you are, Stravaig's post describes a kind of vulnerability that's quite easily exploited.

You shouldn't be needing to keep your guard up - if a relationship has you on threat alert, it's no longer enhancing your life. You've got good instincts: you posted here before letting your boyfriend start taking from you - many come to it too late. Respect your instincts by acting on them.

"You’re starting to see the real him - the man who thinks you owe him and his sons a living." Exactly (and sadly) right!

There's no reason why your party shouldn't go ahead - with the boys on an air bed, of course. You might find it illuminating, in light of your replies here. There's no reason, either, not to share your concerns with your older DC.

He could be a perfectly nice man who lacks awareness and is socially clumsy. But the attitude - 'narky' and accusations of being 'closed off' - is the red flag. He's been told, but still keeps coming back - it doesn't seem as if it's going to stop. If you don't want to ditch him, maybe step back and return to dating rather than family socialising.

I think it can be both true that someone likes you and wants to be with you, and also sees that being with you would be to their financial advantage. If you were a woman posting 'shall I marry for money?' most people weirdly say yes on here, I have no idea why, but they seem to think that's a good idea. Reverse that, he's definitely a cocklodger.

It is a difficulty of dating in later life that you aren't necessarily all financially equal. I've dated a bit in a similar situation and found lots of men who are nice, chatty and so on, but they don't have pensions, or are still renting, or have a huge mortgage, sometimes having to pay maintenance or looking after younger kids they had with their younger wife (who kicked them out, I guess). I am looking for financial parity with someone, but it's quite hard to find. I don't want anyone else's money, I want to keep my own.

I would be very unhappy with the suggestion of you paying for his kids' holiday, that's just out of order. Same about the flooring, it's none of his business.

It's not secretive not to disclose all your financial information, it's sensible.

More red flags than a Cuban parade! Unless you are talking about merging assets what you have is done of his business. Time to run from this one!

He is sneakily making comments about your house and income and seems a bit tight if he was to suggest you pay for his boys, he should pay for himself and his boys as you are working and looking after your own house, bills, food, children. Am shocked at this and you need to sit down with him and tell him it is not on all these remarks and suggestions and how you will not be living with him as he would then be trying to get half the house which will be for your own children. If this is to go further you need this chat with him and see what he says and then how he behaves in next few mths but it would turn me right off of him with what he has said. How are you feeling now about things?

@Ritasueandbobtoo9

He does sound like a seriously 😐 dodgy character to watch out for,
and i have too watched far too many true crime series,

where several have been motivated by monetary concerns...

It's like he thinks 🤔 his won potentially a jack pot being with @smilingeleanor and he can just live off her,

a bonus for him...

Sadly a lot of people don't think to do that

I'd cancel NYE tbh. Tell him you've got noro if you can't face dumping him beforehand.

The fact he knows you've got no mortgage is a problem. I'd not disclose that if you date again.

After 9 months it’s none of his feckin business about so many things in your life. He’s over stepping the mark.

I hate people using the word partner boyfriend or man I’m dating

Im old. I have friends of 40 years who appear to be living lives beyond their salaries. I wouldn’t dream of asking them personal questions, it’s none of my business.

Partner after 9 months should be boyfriend or man I’m dating

@smilingeleanor you sound lovely, he sounds nosey, rude & very entitled. And jealous!

A joint holiday would be a definite NO from me. Please keep your wits about you!

Expect a proposal out of the blue OP. He sounds dodgy. Maybe he expects you to be struggling because you're widowed with 5 DC (pity)... and the cheek that you're not now makes him jealous and potentially want a slice of the action. After all, there's no one to stop him. As others have said, run.

@smilingeleanor did you hear that?? If you ever remarry put house in trust for your children.

I reckon he's thinking more along the lines that he'll move in rent free and rent out his house to pay off the mortgage.

I completely agree with everyone saying these are serious red flags- how dare he get narky that you won't tell him all about your finances and the looking up the value of the house and telling you he's done that is absolutely exposing - you deserve so much better than this !

Good one 😂

He's resentful of the fact that you have more expendable income than him, and begrudges it both for you and your children. And has the nerve to tell you that you 'don't understand what it's like' after you and your children lost a husband and father. He's acting like you are lucky to be in your situation, how insulting is that.

He also wants to deprive your children of the inheritance left to them by their father, to subsidise him and to subsidise his children who have 2 parents. This is a man who is mercenary enough to try to take the opportunity to steal from a dead man and his 5 children.

I have to confess I've looked up various house prices over the years, certainly all the neighbours, a couple of dates, more to see if they have any assets at all! I would not be interested in them paying for anything more than a meal out and certainly not a holiday for my kids, with their own kids/you paying for themselves.

You have five children, and several round of university and house deposits to go. Do not in any way entangle your finances with someone else, however in love you are.

Exactly OP. OF COURSE they don't start in first with the money questions. they love bomb you first. All these things you "have in common"... did he suggest the activities first, or did he ask you what you like and then Oh Wow he loves those things too?

I would also not entangle the teens any further as a family, why should they all play happy families or make things 'even' in terms of holidays or what rooms they stay in, when it's not even been a year of knowing him.

He's cold, callous and in it for your family's money and assets. Get rid,( I hope your work connections don't mean you cross paths again) and cut all contact-now.

Your replies in defence of him seem to be missing your own point and minimising your own very natural concerns. He may well have been very nice company on dates and outings for six months prior, but he is now unpleasantly and unusually interested in and resentful of your financial situation - and has hinted you spring for his sons' holiday costs. It's just the start, and you are already doubting your instincts.