Partners mother overstepping just doesn't stop! Long one ...

[Mamasperspective]

So I have a 15 month old and I'm about to give birth to my second in a couple of weeks.

At about 4 weeks pregnant, we decided to tell partners parents and closest members of my family as my bump was quite prominent early on. A week later, we had a conversation with partners mother around boundaries (my partner spoke to her first then I reached out to her to try to explain our reasoning)

Partners mother was a baby hogger with my first born and I didn't feel confident speaking up. She also visited CONSTANTLY and consequently I ended up with post-natal depression. I felt like I couldn't bond with my baby because someone else was constantly holding her. She would also always refer to LO as 'her' baby. When asked to pass baby back, partners mother would say "No I will not"

She had been feeding my first born chocolate from 6 months old when I wasn't present. She did it once in front of me at about 7 months old and was asked not to (doctor had said no chocolate/processed sugars as this made her constipation worse and gave her anal fissures). She continued to do it anyway until we had the final boundaries conversation.

I asked her not to constantly talk about brain aneurysms as I found it very upsetting, especially being pregnant. Her sister had a brain aneurysm and recovered so I would hear in detail all about it repeatedly. She knew my mum had died of one a few years before and she knew it was the most traumatic experience of my life.

She would constantly voice awful insults about her husband and how unhappy she was in front of my partner which really upset partner because he loves his dad.

Anyway, she was asked to stop all of the above (in a very respectful way) as we were expecting again and didn't want the same scenario with the next baby. She was REALLY passive aggressive, took zero accountability and played the victim because she was so hurt and I had (quote) knocked her off her pedestal.

I have been rewarded with 8 months silent treatment (almost the entire duration of this second pregnancy)

In total I have reached out to this woman on 4 separate occasions for us to sit and talk and move forward but she is not interested at all and either shuts me down or doesn't respond. Quite covert narcissistic behaviour. I have mainly done this for my partner's sake as he hates the conflict.

He has taken our LO round to his mothers once a fortnight for a short visit (on the understanding he is to be present for the duration of the visit) because he says 'It's his mum' and 'that's just the way she is' .... I hate that someone who can be so emotionally manipulative is around our daughter but it's his daughter too so I just have to sit and suffer through the anxiety. I've asked him to speak up for me and while he has 'talked' to her and tried to convince her to apologise, he won't stand up to her and tell her that her behaviour is completely unacceptable, again because 'it's his mum'

Despite not speaking to me, his mother sent money for my birthday (end of October) with a card. I asked my partner to return it saying that, I was grateful for the kind gesture but that I couldn't accept it under the circumstances until we had had a conversation. She refused. She has sent a Christmas gift and money round and I have messaged her expressing the same message. She read my message and ignored it. Maybe it's the cynic in me but I feel this is done to try and make her look 'reasonable' in everyone else's eyes. Either that or she expects me to rug sweep which will never happen.

Before we fell out, I had a few long conversations with partners mother over Christmas ornaments and how I used to buy one for my mum every year. I explained how sentimental this was for me and that my cousin had asked if she could buy my daughter an ornament every year. I said that I had explained to her this is something I would rather keep between my daughter and I as it was really important to me. Partners mother decided to buy my daughter an ornament last year (which I kind of understand with it being her first Christmas) but lo and behold, has bought her one this year too and written her name and the year on the back. I also expressed how excited I was to buy my daughter her first snow globe which I wanted to save for this year when she was a bit older to enjoy it - his mother bought her one first.

My partner and I had discussed wanting to get married but the only thing making me say no is his mother. I feel deflated and like I don't have a voice anymore and it's negatively impacting my relationship with my partner because the topic keeps cropping up and he says just to accept who she is. It's had a huge negative impact on my pregnancy and the guilt I feel is next level as I don't know what will happen going forward and feel awful bringing another child into the world when I feel like partners mother could potentially cause my relationship to deteriorate.

An outside opinion would be very welcome. Please don't be too harsh as I'm about to 'drop' in 2 weeks lol.

Firstly,congratulations on pg hope you have a safe happy birth
next your mil adversely impacts your wellbeing and mental health. Priority is you, your family, new baby. Your mil can see baby when and if you’re robust and safe to do so. I suggest have a good friend or family present to advocate for and stick up for you

she is unfortunately controlling. Protect yourself, don’t be afraid to be blunt
she turn up unexpectedly dont let her in

Posted too soon
priority is you, new baby and family. Your partner has to have your back & protect you
He can maintain his relationship with his mum, however in your home and around You he prioritises you. Not her,you

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my lengthy post and reply. It's difficult because I know that being around someone like that is no benefit to my babies in any way. It only benefits partners mother and benefits my partner as he can pacify his mother with no repercussions. It's easier for him to 'not get involved' when he's not the victim to her actions. I worry about when my daughters get older and are more able to understand that they may see such behaviours as acceptable (as my partner clearly does) and even worse, normal. As for the conversations I've had with her around feeding my children, Christmas ornaments etc, it's like she's purposely trying to antagonise me.

Do talk to your midwife and GP that mil is impacting your wellbeing & mental health. Giving birth is challenging mentally f physically If you feel fragile or overwhelmed talk to mw and gp

who can support you? Friends or family

You have a DP problem.

He cares more about upsetting his mother than about upsetting you.

I'll be honest, I don't think your relationship has a chance in hell of surviving. Your partner's loyalty is to his mother, even though she is abusive, manipulative, and controlling. His loyalty should lie with you and his children, always.

This dynamic is untenable.

Out of interest regard accommodate if homeowner are you both named on mortgage?
How are your finances managed? Do you have your salary and mat pay?

I have ... it's all documented. I even talked about it when my partner was there. They don't think I need medication but I had already arranged my own counsellor through work. I also begrudge even the suggestion of medication when the issue is solely partners mother and if someone (anyone) would actually step in and tell her how toxic her behaviour is, I wouldn't feel the way I do. I hate that I no longer feel secure in my relationship. I love my partner and he's a really good dad but I feel out on a limb on my own.

You shouldn’t feel alone,you’re a partner and parent. You should feel he’s put a forcefield of support and reassurance around you. He needs to listen to you, hear what you’re saying and absolutely prioritise you.

I mean...some of this seems reasonable, like the not feeding her chocolate.

But she's allowed to talk about her husband if she wants, and allowed to talk about brain aneurysms if she wants. You can't ban an adult from certain topics I don't think.

The snow globe thing just isn't worth it. Other people buying them doesn't make yours less of a tradition between you and your daughter.

I don't think there's any resolution here though tbh.

Congratulations on your second pregnancy. I (very gently) do feel it is a bit U to not want people to buy her ornaments - there will be lots of things you do with your children that are super special and no one else does. I wonder if it seems antagonistic but is not intended that way. Before you marry DP, you need to have a discussion of how he is going to support you with his DM. When you establish a new relationship/family, that is your priority, not your family of origin, and if he cannot put on his big boy pants and do this, these problems will not get better.

I think you need a very serious conversation with your partner about him advocating for you and your children. He needs to get his head out of his arse and prioritise his partner and children.

I've just asked her not to talk about aneurysms with me as I can't listen to it. She knows my mother lost 4 litres of blood from her head, she knows I had to make the final decision to switch off the life support - I've told her the topic is like rubbing salt in a wound and, anyone who claims to care about you (which she initially said she did) wouldn't be so insensitive. I may be wrong (I would be willing to admit if I was) but I just find it very toxic to call her husband nasty names in front of their son. To call any parent horrible things in front of their child (even their adult child) I find very toxic, it's their son, he's not her therapist. I didn't demand anything, just kindly asked that she avoided those topics as it was hurting our feelings and starting to cause resentment from her son - I said I didn't want that breakdown in the relationship for him or for her.

I have no advice, only solidarity. I have one of these too and I also now don't want to get married because I don't want any sort of formal connection to her. I leave any and all communication to DP. I'm due my second DC in April and I refuse to put up with her being in my house constantly this time.

But why even bother with the not talking about her husband thing? If your DH is upset by it he's a big boy and can bring it up himself surely.

I think this is all a little more overwrought than it needs to be.

Apart from the snow globe nonsense which I feel you are being rather over sensitive about, the rest I can totally understand how you would find off-putting and indeed controlling of her.

But as an aside, why are you telling her things about ornaments and snow globes etc when you know she has form.

Just stop telling her things.

You also do not need to engage with her in anyway.

You've given her boundaries which she's totally ignored.

Carry on as you were, a short visit once every fortnight facilitated by your partner with him present throughout, that's it.

Stop reaching out, you can start letting go of guilt and enjoy the fact that it is her who is enforcing a distance, just make the most of it. She's toxic and you don't need it. Stop feeling bad and embrace the silence. Your DH can interact with her at her house.

I think you have a hard decision to make. Your DP is the real issue here. He isn't supporting you or your child. I think you need to make him understand that he is going to have to make a choice between his mother and his partner and DC. You can't carry on like this. His mother not talking to you yet he continues to take your DD to visit his DM? This isn't acceptable. He needs to man up and start supporting his partner and that means having some firm words with his DM and going NC if she still continues. If he isn't willing and/or capable of doing this, I think you need to give serious consideration to leaving him. I know you don't want to but you need to protect your DC. Your partner is in the FOG. This will happen to your children too if you allow this contact with his DM to continue and your children become old enough to see how she treats you. You need to take action now, one way or the other I'm afraid.

He would say nothing to his mother then rant about it afterwards to me. Now he's had that conversation with her himself. I think my main issue is these things were raised in a respectful way and she was told it wasn't anything personal and I said that I knew she wouldn't intentionally try to hurt us but just needed to make her aware and instead of any agreement to just move forward on a more positive note, she chose silent treatment for 8 months of my pregnancy yet still wants access to my 1 year old, without me there. I'm dreading what demands she tries to make when this new baby comes but that is a hill I'm willing to die on.

I’m surprised at the early replies coming down so heavily on your side as I think some of your behaviour sounds quite difficult also.

She sounded a big problem with your first time but I think having a boundaries conversation about she should behave around dc2 when you were only 5 weeks pregnant was a bit odd, it could have waited. Then, once that fall out had happened, of course your partner is going to take her to see his mum. Presumably this would be nice for child aswell.

You say you’ve reached out to her but then you’ve also refused two gifts from her. Surely if you wanted to open communication, it would have been better to thank her and go from there.

All this ‘DH problem’ stuff that people quote. Most people wouldn’t cut off a parent just because they had a difficult relationship with a spouse.

So I think what you have described is Narcissistic Personality Disorder. It is worth reading into the topic to make sure that this chimes with your experience. However very briefly there is little point in trying to rationalise with someone with NPD. They do not play by recognised societal rules, which is why situations like yours feel like your head is being messed up. There actually isn't a way of getting the individual to 'see sense'. I hope that your partner is supportive of you over all else, because otherwise this may well be your future. Read into it and if it fits, try to win round your partner. Congratulations on your new baby!

You don’t need to have any relationship with her. He can have his own relationship with her, at her house, and take the kids round there.

The ornament / snow globe thing isn’t a biggy, you can still buy your own.

The Aneurysm thing, have you had any therapy to help you with your mother’s death? You can hear them being talked about anywhere, and you might want strategies to help you cope.

You don’t like her, you don’t have to, just as she doesn’t have to like you. Just stay away, and let him get on with it.

I agree. I think all of you are in it, and she doesn't sound like some sort of NPD psycho, just a bit overbearing and dramatic.

I don't know that I'd refuse my children a relationship with their grandmother because we didn't get along - you've played your part in that either the refusing of gifts and trying to ban her from doing pretty normal things, like talking about her husband and buying flipping Christmas trinkets.

Less Big Dramatic Summits and more just everyone gets quietly on with their separate lives is what's needed here.

Do you have anyone in your family or close to you that you can stay with? I would leave him stating he can't be trusted during your PP so you will stay where you're safe.

While you absolutely have a DP problem, your own behaviour isn't helping.

You've had 8 blissful months free of her - why aren't you enjoying it instead of wasting your time 'reaching out'

You don't like her, she has no boundaries - but you give her mixed messages by sharing personal information and memories about Christmas ornaments and the like. If you do have to talk to her, just make it about the weather. No information about your past, feelings or future plans, even if they are just going to Tesco in the afternoon.

Mae your boundary, stick to it and practice Grey Rock.