So I have a 15 month old and I'm about to give birth to my second in a couple of weeks.
At about 4 weeks pregnant, we decided to tell partners parents and closest members of my family as my bump was quite prominent early on. A week later, we had a conversation with partners mother around boundaries (my partner spoke to her first then I reached out to her to try to explain our reasoning)
Partners mother was a baby hogger with my first born and I didn't feel confident speaking up. She also visited CONSTANTLY and consequently I ended up with post-natal depression. I felt like I couldn't bond with my baby because someone else was constantly holding her. She would also always refer to LO as 'her' baby. When asked to pass baby back, partners mother would say "No I will not"
She had been feeding my first born chocolate from 6 months old when I wasn't present. She did it once in front of me at about 7 months old and was asked not to (doctor had said no chocolate/processed sugars as this made her constipation worse and gave her anal fissures). She continued to do it anyway until we had the final boundaries conversation.
I asked her not to constantly talk about brain aneurysms as I found it very upsetting, especially being pregnant. Her sister had a brain aneurysm and recovered so I would hear in detail all about it repeatedly. She knew my mum had died of one a few years before and she knew it was the most traumatic experience of my life.
She would constantly voice awful insults about her husband and how unhappy she was in front of my partner which really upset partner because he loves his dad.
Anyway, she was asked to stop all of the above (in a very respectful way) as we were expecting again and didn't want the same scenario with the next baby. She was REALLY passive aggressive, took zero accountability and played the victim because she was so hurt and I had (quote) knocked her off her pedestal.
I have been rewarded with 8 months silent treatment (almost the entire duration of this second pregnancy)
In total I have reached out to this woman on 4 separate occasions for us to sit and talk and move forward but she is not interested at all and either shuts me down or doesn't respond. Quite covert narcissistic behaviour. I have mainly done this for my partner's sake as he hates the conflict.
He has taken our LO round to his mothers once a fortnight for a short visit (on the understanding he is to be present for the duration of the visit) because he says 'It's his mum' and 'that's just the way she is' .... I hate that someone who can be so emotionally manipulative is around our daughter but it's his daughter too so I just have to sit and suffer through the anxiety. I've asked him to speak up for me and while he has 'talked' to her and tried to convince her to apologise, he won't stand up to her and tell her that her behaviour is completely unacceptable, again because 'it's his mum'
Despite not speaking to me, his mother sent money for my birthday (end of October) with a card. I asked my partner to return it saying that, I was grateful for the kind gesture but that I couldn't accept it under the circumstances until we had had a conversation. She refused. She has sent a Christmas gift and money round and I have messaged her expressing the same message. She read my message and ignored it. Maybe it's the cynic in me but I feel this is done to try and make her look 'reasonable' in everyone else's eyes. Either that or she expects me to rug sweep which will never happen.
Before we fell out, I had a few long conversations with partners mother over Christmas ornaments and how I used to buy one for my mum every year. I explained how sentimental this was for me and that my cousin had asked if she could buy my daughter an ornament every year. I said that I had explained to her this is something I would rather keep between my daughter and I as it was really important to me. Partners mother decided to buy my daughter an ornament last year (which I kind of understand with it being her first Christmas) but lo and behold, has bought her one this year too and written her name and the year on the back. I also expressed how excited I was to buy my daughter her first snow globe which I wanted to save for this year when she was a bit older to enjoy it - his mother bought her one first.
My partner and I had discussed wanting to get married but the only thing making me say no is his mother. I feel deflated and like I don't have a voice anymore and it's negatively impacting my relationship with my partner because the topic keeps cropping up and he says just to accept who she is. It's had a huge negative impact on my pregnancy and the guilt I feel is next level as I don't know what will happen going forward and feel awful bringing another child into the world when I feel like partners mother could potentially cause my relationship to deteriorate.
An outside opinion would be very welcome. Please don't be too harsh as I'm about to 'drop' in 2 weeks lol.