Partners mother overstepping just doesn't stop! Long one ...

[Mamasperspective]

So I have a 15 month old and I'm about to give birth to my second in a couple of weeks.

At about 4 weeks pregnant, we decided to tell partners parents and closest members of my family as my bump was quite prominent early on. A week later, we had a conversation with partners mother around boundaries (my partner spoke to her first then I reached out to her to try to explain our reasoning)

Partners mother was a baby hogger with my first born and I didn't feel confident speaking up. She also visited CONSTANTLY and consequently I ended up with post-natal depression. I felt like I couldn't bond with my baby because someone else was constantly holding her. She would also always refer to LO as 'her' baby. When asked to pass baby back, partners mother would say "No I will not"

She had been feeding my first born chocolate from 6 months old when I wasn't present. She did it once in front of me at about 7 months old and was asked not to (doctor had said no chocolate/processed sugars as this made her constipation worse and gave her anal fissures). She continued to do it anyway until we had the final boundaries conversation.

I asked her not to constantly talk about brain aneurysms as I found it very upsetting, especially being pregnant. Her sister had a brain aneurysm and recovered so I would hear in detail all about it repeatedly. She knew my mum had died of one a few years before and she knew it was the most traumatic experience of my life.

She would constantly voice awful insults about her husband and how unhappy she was in front of my partner which really upset partner because he loves his dad.

Anyway, she was asked to stop all of the above (in a very respectful way) as we were expecting again and didn't want the same scenario with the next baby. She was REALLY passive aggressive, took zero accountability and played the victim because she was so hurt and I had (quote) knocked her off her pedestal.

I have been rewarded with 8 months silent treatment (almost the entire duration of this second pregnancy)

In total I have reached out to this woman on 4 separate occasions for us to sit and talk and move forward but she is not interested at all and either shuts me down or doesn't respond. Quite covert narcissistic behaviour. I have mainly done this for my partner's sake as he hates the conflict.

He has taken our LO round to his mothers once a fortnight for a short visit (on the understanding he is to be present for the duration of the visit) because he says 'It's his mum' and 'that's just the way she is' .... I hate that someone who can be so emotionally manipulative is around our daughter but it's his daughter too so I just have to sit and suffer through the anxiety. I've asked him to speak up for me and while he has 'talked' to her and tried to convince her to apologise, he won't stand up to her and tell her that her behaviour is completely unacceptable, again because 'it's his mum'

Despite not speaking to me, his mother sent money for my birthday (end of October) with a card. I asked my partner to return it saying that, I was grateful for the kind gesture but that I couldn't accept it under the circumstances until we had had a conversation. She refused. She has sent a Christmas gift and money round and I have messaged her expressing the same message. She read my message and ignored it. Maybe it's the cynic in me but I feel this is done to try and make her look 'reasonable' in everyone else's eyes. Either that or she expects me to rug sweep which will never happen.

Before we fell out, I had a few long conversations with partners mother over Christmas ornaments and how I used to buy one for my mum every year. I explained how sentimental this was for me and that my cousin had asked if she could buy my daughter an ornament every year. I said that I had explained to her this is something I would rather keep between my daughter and I as it was really important to me. Partners mother decided to buy my daughter an ornament last year (which I kind of understand with it being her first Christmas) but lo and behold, has bought her one this year too and written her name and the year on the back. I also expressed how excited I was to buy my daughter her first snow globe which I wanted to save for this year when she was a bit older to enjoy it - his mother bought her one first.

My partner and I had discussed wanting to get married but the only thing making me say no is his mother. I feel deflated and like I don't have a voice anymore and it's negatively impacting my relationship with my partner because the topic keeps cropping up and he says just to accept who she is. It's had a huge negative impact on my pregnancy and the guilt I feel is next level as I don't know what will happen going forward and feel awful bringing another child into the world when I feel like partners mother could potentially cause my relationship to deteriorate.

An outside opinion would be very welcome. Please don't be too harsh as I'm about to 'drop' in 2 weeks lol.

Posters that agree with you and tell you to ignore dissenters always make you feel 'heard'

But maybe you do need to be open to everyone who has taken the time to put different perspectives out there and maybe look at your behaviour and that of your partner to see if somewhere you might have been at fault too.

Though I do agree that she is too much and needs watching.

Depends whether he agrees or not. (Not talking abuse obvs)

If they ever split up the decisions will be his 50% of the time

@Nanny0gg

Posters that agree with you and tell you to ignore dissenters always make you feel 'heard'

But maybe you do need to be open to everyone who has taken the time to put different perspectives out there and maybe look at your behaviour and that of your partner to see if somewhere you might have been at fault too.

Though I do agree that she is too much and needs watching.

THIS
I was slightly alarm you felt heard by that particular post- but not sure why ..
@Nanny0gg has voiced my concerns.

You didn’t have a baby bump at 4 weeks pregnant OP 😂

The examples she gave were abusive though. Hence why I would stop him taking the kids there until he at least accepts this is the case. Without him advocating for "his" children it all falls to the OP. When they end up seriously ill in hospital and SS get involved it won't be enough to say well I had to let it continue because he is their father and he was OK with his mum feeding them unsuitable things that were detrimental to their health.

Anal fissures are not just a minor ailment. Feeding raw egg to infants is harmful.

And should they split up such examples would be enough for him not to have unsupervised contact.

You're about to give birth and you've got a 15month old. Take a step backwards for a minute. Yes, your MIL sounds difficult. However, she's removed herself from your orbit for now at least, let her go and focus your energy on what matters, which is you, your new baby, your toddler, and your OH.

Boundaries are nothing to do with getting other people to change their behaviour, and everything to do with your behaviour. What you will/will not do.

If you stay in the zone of trying to get her to change/be reasonable/sit down and calmly come to an agreement (never going to happen) you inadvertently stay engaged wrestling for control. Don't do it.

Pick your battles, and they don't need to include snow globes and your defending your husband from his mother. That's his role, not yours, especially right now. Yes, she's painful, no you won't change her, so you need to find another route which you can walk as peacefully as possible. She's going nowhere, you've had children with her son, but if she's put herself at arms length be thankful for the mercy, and focus on peace in your home, now especially.

What @Mielbee said.
Some posters on here are trying to measure the MIL against "normal," rational people. That doesn't work with someone like this.
OP, you are right to be wary and establish boundaries. I think your dp IS supporting you in his own way, even if it's not as extreme as some posters would like. He's not pressurising you to visit his mother and has restricted his visits there to once a fortnight - presumably much less frequent than she would like.
Oh, and either put the snow globes/ornaments away somewhere out of sight or "oh dear, the box with them in got smashed" and buy your dd your own.

She sounds a nuisance but relatives often are. It sounds as though she is trying to insinuate herself into your life more than you ideally want; but some kind of compromise has to be reached. I think a few valid objections ( like the insensitive discussion around your mum, which, again, I suspect is a misguided attempt at closeness: “my sister, your mum, we are in this together”) are understandably upsetting. However, if I’m honest I think you are being rather controlling about the decorations and returning the gifts unless she behaves as you have decreed is just as bad. I think the fact she has overstepped in some areas has validated your impression that you have the moral high ground when I don’t think it’s that simple.

Honestly, you both sound like nightmares but in different ways.

Yes, she absolutely should not be feeding your baby anything that you’ve asked her not to. It doesn’t matter if it’s safe to feed them it- if you’d rather she didn’t- she should listen to that.

She absolutely shouldn’t be hogging the baby when she’s around. Could that have been because it was her first GC and she was just excited overly so?

Having a boundaries conversation about the second child before they’re even born and she hasn’t had a chance was absolutely jumping the gun. Have the conversation if she oversteps not before she’s done it.

Complaining about snow globes and Christmas ornaments is petty. Yes you want your own special traditions with your DD but there’s nothing stopping you also buying an ornament for her every year as well. You’re being precious and possibly looking for things to complain about.

Returning gifts is rude and you know that it is. There was no way you thought that was going to lead to a positive resolution. Just say thank you and move on.

You can’t force your DP to pick a side and you shouldn’t. He has a right to have a relationship with his DM and if he wants his DC to also have a relationship that is also his choice. They’re his DC too.

Am I right in reading that you sent the boundaries conversation as a message rather than a face to face chat? That’s how I’ve read it anyway. Maybe that’s a source of the problem.

Maybe she’s pulled back as opposed to giving the silent treatment as she doesn’t know what she is allowed to do.

In the end, you’re both in the wrong but in different ways. You need to think and reflect on how you can also improve your handling of your relationship with her and maybe stop being so controlling too.

@Nanny0gg apologies, I mean contact details for brothers ex wife and adult grandchildren (who live locally) as I have never met them. Partner's ex wife, I have contact details for (they live miles away)

@CleverLilViper I haven't voiced with her the fact I feel upset over the ornaments (just relayed it in this forum as more of a personal vent). She's just had the general boundaries relayed directly to her to date. Partner advised that I messaged his mother so I did as he asked and he read all messages before being sent and agreed I came across in a kind and respectful manner. He openly admits his mother is awful (I won't repeat the name he called her ... I was shocked and I'm not shocked easily!) but he still maintains it's his mum and that's just who she is. He says any normal and respectful person would admit their wrongs, apologise and take accountability but said his mother has always been completely unreasonable and it doesn't matter what she does wrong, by all accounts she's always unwilling to admit any fault with anyone. I think he's a lot more concerned about distancing the relationship with his dad than his mum because he loves his dad (his dad is a really nice man but will just keep quiet and not get involved). He tolerates his mum but isn't anywhere near as close as he is with his dad.

@CleverLilViper also, this isn't her first grandchild, she has other grandchildren that either want nothing to do with her or that she isn't allowed access to so all the focus has now been on my daughter (unfortunately).

@Squarepeg79 it wasn't 'baby' more fluid/hormones/bloating but enough for partner to point it out and suggest I do a test (we're quite open in that way, it wasn't offensive) ... I just hadn't healed from my first pregnancy

OP these come across as slightly clawing drip feeds. So long as you are being honest with yourself about how things are. We can’t really help honestly if you want to reshape the narrative en route.

Thats quite the big reveal/drip OP. So now your MIL has always been stubborn and unreasonable, has other grandchildren she either isnt allowed access to or they dont want to know her, and her own son calls her a name so shocking you can't repeat it here - what is it? A detogatory name for a woman...?

Wow. I suppose the tone of thread will change accordingly now won't it...

@Calliopespa it's just factual, there's a 12 year old who partners mother isn't allowed access to (partner turned up for a visit with his daughter - she lives 250 miles away - and was turned away, denied a visit and sent home because his mother was with him) but there are plenty of other examples. He's now only allowed to see his daughter if he goes down there and daughter is not allowed up here where his mother is. The brothers wife doesn't have contact with her and didn't invite her to her own son's wake and the adult daughters from that relationship will not speak to her and one actually shut herself in a car to stop partners mother attempting to speak to her. I'm trying to be as open and honest as I can.

@DeeCeeCherry partners mother originally said that her other (younger) granddaughter was being weaponised against her because the mother was jealous of the relationship she had with her grandchild. This granddaughter is now mature for her age (12) with her own mobile phone and still chooses not to contact her grandmother. Partners mother also said she had no idea why her sons wife and adult granddaughters refuse to have anything to do with her but very much painted the narrative that she had done nothing wrong (at the time I took her at face value because it was before my daughter was born and she seemed genuine) but since my own experience, I would be curious myself to hear the other side of the story. Partner has recently revealed there had been a lot of conflict between his mother and ex wife which I was not aware of. I don't WANT this conflict, I would prefer that we could sit and at least be amicable and civil with each other (we don't need to be close) just to get rid of any drama and have some peace within the family. I do accept after reading comments that returning the gifts was probably not the best approach but I did express gratitude and just felt like keeping the money gifted was 'taking the mick' so it just didn't sit right with me. I totally take on board that I was wrong in this scenario and OTT over the decorations (although I didn't speak to partners mother about my upset)

I'm ready to give birth any day now, I just wanted things to be easy and have confidence in partners mother being around my children instead of this constant undercurrent of conflict.

Apologies all, I think I have just gone on a huge vent with this but honestly feel better with getting it out of my system to those that have kindly taken the time to read, listen and respond. Whether the messages have been to show support, solidarity or to call me out on aspects of my own views and/or behaviour, I genuinely appreciate every reply.

Time to refocus I think and occupy my head with something else (as at the moment it seems to be all consuming)

Will go and pack my hospital bag instead

Best of luck with the upcoming birth.

Your partner is completely mired in the FOG (Fear, Obligation and Guilt) when he is around his parents. His priorities shift significantly when he is with them. He doesn't have your back and reverts back to a child in their presence (even if only in his manner).

Throughout our lifetimes we go through different phases and the first is child-parent relationship with our parents. This will, over time become an adult-adult relationship where our parents cut the apron strings, let us go out into the world, make our own mistakes and fortune and let us lead our own independent lives. I feel this part might be missing as they (at least the MiL is) are still trying to dictate what you can/can't do, what is good for your children etc. This again will change as our parents age and they require our care so we turn into the parent and they become the child.

If your MiL is overstepping, and knowing that other relatives have disengaged with her, you have to ask your self what is the common denominator in those situations and it is the MiL. You need to get yourself a few books (I believe one or two have already been suggested on the thread) and read them as if you don't know this woman. Then put in to action a plan that you can control your decisions, your choices and stick to it like glue!

If you tell her that should she do X you will do Y, stick to that. Don't back down from it. For example, if she says that she will feel chocolate to your child and you say if you feed our child chocolate, you won't see our child, stick to that. Don't back down when she complains (she will) or cries (she'll do that too) or even when she gets relatives & friends to champion her to you (they will be her flying monkeys doing her bidding). You stand firm and repeat repeat repeat what you said. If you back down or give an inch she will exploit that and keep pushing.

Start with things that you can control and you have control over. Don't make them difficult to enforce or difficult for her to understand.

Again - best of luck with the upcoming birth.

@Mamasperspective I've said my piece but I'm a bit concerned that you're taking some of what previous posters have said on board when their advice is not taking into account her probable narcissism... With that in mind I still maintain that you weren't wrong to return the gifts. I bet if you'd kept it the narrative would have become, 'Oh she doesn't want to let me near her children but she'll take my money.' And paint you as money-grabbing. You cannot win.

I'm glad you said overall the post has helped - I was worried it would actually be unhelpful as there has been a lot of gaslighting going on on the thread. Hopefully you can refocus on your upcoming birth now and again, wishing you all the best with everything.

This is someone who gets it. Good advice .

no more bloated than someone on their period. You didn’t “have” to announce the pregnancy, you wanted to. Which is fine! I don’t get the stigma around first trimester pregnancy announcements, but just be honest? Saying you had to makes you sound like a total drama queen.

@Squarepeg79 you're probably absolutely right, I was probably more conscious of it due to the fact it was pointed out. This post wasn't about when I told people though, nor about whether I had to or didn't have to. It was about the silent treatment/disrespect that followed. Happy New Year.

No I know it wasn’t about that, think it adds insight to the whole situation though.
happy new year to you too 😊

For those who are saying that it would be wrong, and OP can't possibly stop her DH taking their LO to grandma's, as he's a parent too, I think the response quoted above shows exactly why she shouldn't let him take the LO with him when he visits. The OP clearly states about MIL, 'she gave LO chocolate - my partner was there so he was at fault too for not speaking up.' So in her shoes, there's no way my partner would be taking the LO there, as he clearly can't be trusted to stand up to his mother even for the good of his child.