Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband joined gym without discussing it

103 replies

Christmasisover · 29/12/2023 14:17

AIBU to be hurt/upset about this?

Husband joined the gym without telling me. Not only did he not tell me but he's been saying he 'needs to go sign up' yet I found gym cards in his bag today. To me this isn't a case of just doing something without discussing it. It is a blatant lie. He said he's been a member for over a month and he wasn't even sorry when I said I'm hurt that he'd lied to me. His response was very much - so what?

I wasn't looking in his bag btw and he doesn't seem annoyed at the fact that I'd found them. My toddler emptied his backpack and they fell out! On one hand he's been telling me how we need to save and we've massively cut back on spending yet he has taken it upon himself to sign up to a gym that costs £60 a month. I don't even get time to get my hair cut as I don't get time to myself without the kids or house chores etc. I find it really annoying that not only has he lied to me but the man who claims he has no time to do anything at home is now expecting to have time to use a gym that's half an hour away from home and half an hour away from work.

OP posts:
Luxell934 · 29/12/2023 14:22

I'd be annoyed too if finances were tight, do you both work? Realistically can you afford this? Exercise is good for mental health, but at £60 a month can he not just go for a run?

I think you need to come to some sort of arrangement where he gets his gym time and you get the eqivilant amount of time/funds to do stuff you want to, like getting your hair done or nights out.

SamphiretheTervosaurReturneth · 29/12/2023 14:24

Ok.

So now you have £60/month and X hours in which to spend it out of the house, as you see fit.

Of course you'll discuss this, because you are an adult, a parent, but you won't take no for an answer. Your DH needs to remember he isn't a single man.

BeaRF75 · 29/12/2023 14:25

Dear Lord, why do you get to police this? I have no idea what my husband spends on his hobbies because, guess what, they're his hobbies!

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 29/12/2023 14:27

I don’t police my DHs hobbies, but I do expect him to be considerate about joint expenditure/time.

Torchdino · 29/12/2023 14:28

The issue is that it doesn't sound like there's the finances for this, and that he's been lying about spending time out the house presumably at work when he's at the gym. I do personally find exercise really important so I would prioritise a fitness membership and time away to do so; but he should absolutely be looking to go through the money you have and see what he can also cut back on, ensure you have money for what you need and time free from children. If those aren't possible then no he shouldn't forge ahead.

Original poster
Christmasisover · 29/12/2023 14:29

Luxell934 · 29/12/2023 14:22

I'd be annoyed too if finances were tight, do you both work? Realistically can you afford this? Exercise is good for mental health, but at £60 a month can he not just go for a run?

I think you need to come to some sort of arrangement where he gets his gym time and you get the eqivilant amount of time/funds to do stuff you want to, like getting your hair done or nights out.

@Luxell934 We do both work and have a healthy income. The financial side of things isn't an issue but it's more the hypocrisy of 'let's cut back', you don't need to buy X and making us cancel certain subscriptions that we were using and cost less than his gym membership in order to cut costs as he kept saying we need to save yet on the other hand taking on a gym membership that he is unlikely to use. There's also the time element of it as all I ever hear and see from him is that he can't do x y z with us because he has too much on. He is in a salaried role within a family business. He works harder than everyone in the place and puts in the most hours despite the fact it has zero impact on his take home pay.

OP posts:
UsingChangeofName · 29/12/2023 14:29

@BeaRF75 all the information is there in the opening post.

They don't have the money in the family budget for this, and the dh doesn't have time in the week.

Gliblet · 29/12/2023 14:29

BeaRF75 · 29/12/2023 14:25

Dear Lord, why do you get to police this? I have no idea what my husband spends on his hobbies because, guess what, they're his hobbies!

That's fine when it's not having an impact on the household but when both partners have agreed that money is tight, economies need to be made etc. its selfish to then subscribe to something that's expensive and indulgent without discussing or agreeing it. And that's without the added element of this meaning he's taking more time out for something that gives him pleasure without considering how to give his partner the same amount of time away from the home for something she enjoys without it meaning extra work for her.

Torchdino · 29/12/2023 14:29

BeaRF75 · 29/12/2023 14:25

Dear Lord, why do you get to police this? I have no idea what my husband spends on his hobbies because, guess what, they're his hobbies!

If the household is short of money and OP is exhausted and needs more help around the home then its quite sad if your standards are that he should crack on regardless.

Luxell934 · 29/12/2023 14:32

BeaRF75 · 29/12/2023 14:25

Dear Lord, why do you get to police this? I have no idea what my husband spends on his hobbies because, guess what, they're his hobbies!

thats fine if you have two salaries, 50-50 bill split and enough left over for separate finances for personal spending but some families do it differently or theres no budget for non essential luxuries

enchantedsquirrelwood · 29/12/2023 14:34

BeaRF75 · 29/12/2023 14:25

Dear Lord, why do you get to police this? I have no idea what my husband spends on his hobbies because, guess what, they're his hobbies!

Same here.

I didn't realise I was meant to discuss every purchase with my DH. I guess your DH didn't either.

I suppose the lie was because he knew you'd react like this.

Edited: I also see you have a healthy income, but that doesn't mean you waste money - it is perfectly possible to cancel some subscriptions etc while taking out new ones which you will make more use of. Of course if he doesn't, then it is a waste.

Luxell934 · 29/12/2023 14:36

Christmasisover · 29/12/2023 14:29

@Luxell934 We do both work and have a healthy income. The financial side of things isn't an issue but it's more the hypocrisy of 'let's cut back', you don't need to buy X and making us cancel certain subscriptions that we were using and cost less than his gym membership in order to cut costs as he kept saying we need to save yet on the other hand taking on a gym membership that he is unlikely to use. There's also the time element of it as all I ever hear and see from him is that he can't do x y z with us because he has too much on. He is in a salaried role within a family business. He works harder than everyone in the place and puts in the most hours despite the fact it has zero impact on his take home pay.

Show quote history

in that case you don't need to cut back at all, reinstate your subscriptions, get your hair done and make sure you get equal free time away from the house and kids.

Original poster
Christmasisover · 29/12/2023 14:42

BeaRF75 · 29/12/2023 14:25

Dear Lord, why do you get to police this? I have no idea what my husband spends on his hobbies because, guess what, they're his hobbies!

I'm not trying to police OH's hobbies. In fact, I actively try to encourage him to work less and do more for himself and with us. The only reason I talked about the finances is because we are doing home renovations and he decided we should make cutbacks to the household expenditure which I did so to then take out an additional expense without discussing it seemed unfair to me especially when he says time/money is an issue. Also I don't get time for any of my hobbies as a result of him being out of the house so much. He says he can't get home any earlier in the day than he does because he has 'so much on' but clearly thinks he can fit the gym in to his day which again doesn't make sense to me.

OP posts:
mottytotty · 29/12/2023 14:45

Make sure you get equal disposable income.

Even if you spend less than him, take your share and put it in your own bank account.

So many men rely on frugal wives to bolster their own fun spending money.

Zanatdy · 29/12/2023 14:49

Yes it is unreasonable for him to join if he’s claiming he can’t finish work to help out with his kids but will then be back at least 90 mins later each time he goes. There’s at least 1 gym in every town, why has he chosen one so far out of the way?

TeaGinandFags · 29/12/2023 14:50

Has he done anything else of this ilk such as spending more time at work or tarting himself up? If so ...

He is being a selfish twunt. As mottytotty and luxell934 have said.

DonnaBanana · 29/12/2023 14:52

I don’t get what the problem is. He’s focusing on his health, he’ll be slimmer, more virile for you, and more likely to survive longer for his family.

Original poster
Christmasisover · 29/12/2023 14:54

mottytotty · 29/12/2023 14:45

Make sure you get equal disposable income.

Even if you spend less than him, take your share and put it in your own bank account.

So many men rely on frugal wives to bolster their own fun spending money.

Thank you. That's a really interesting point of view that I'd not considered. For the finance side of things, I think I will do as you suggested as in all honesty I usually move whatever disposable income I have left over to the mortgage by way of an overpayment. I don't think he's ever done that! I've always thought of our common goals and what benefits the family as a whole... maybe I need to start being a bit more selfish and putting myself first sometimes.

OP posts:
zaazaazoo · 29/12/2023 14:54

BeaRF75 · 29/12/2023 14:25

Dear Lord, why do you get to police this? I have no idea what my husband spends on his hobbies because, guess what, they're his hobbies!

Because it's family money, they are saving and not supposed u to I be spending on unnecessary things and this 'hobby' will take time out of the day. Time the OP doesn't have and would love to have. Don't you get it? Men just live their lives with no discussion. Women organise their lives around the household responsibilities

fuzzleberry · 29/12/2023 14:54

I'm sure I read this exact scenario a month ago

Nicole1111 · 29/12/2023 15:06

If he’s not happy for you to get the same time to yourself and money to spend he’s a selfish ass. The fact he’s hidden it shows he knows he’s being a selfish ass.

Needsomesupport84 · 29/12/2023 15:18

Ffs why can’t he go to the gym? Imagine if you wanted to join and he said you couldn’t.

AnneValentine · 29/12/2023 15:23

BeaRF75 · 29/12/2023 14:25

Dear Lord, why do you get to police this? I have no idea what my husband spends on his hobbies because, guess what, they're his hobbies!

So if you were right for has and time as a household you would commit to this without discussing it with your partner?

Cyclebabble · 29/12/2023 15:45

Sounds like you both need to work on communication skills. However, gym membership can be important for physical and mental health. So unless finances are very tight I do not think I would give this a second thought.

GrumpyPanda · 29/12/2023 15:49

BeaRF75 · 29/12/2023 14:25

Dear Lord, why do you get to police this? I have no idea what my husband spends on his hobbies because, guess what, they're his hobbies!

Sounds like DH is policing HER. What's good for the goose...

Swipe left for the next trending thread