Husband joined gym without discussing it

[Christmasisover]

AIBU to be hurt/upset about this?

Husband joined the gym without telling me. Not only did he not tell me but he's been saying he 'needs to go sign up' yet I found gym cards in his bag today. To me this isn't a case of just doing something without discussing it. It is a blatant lie. He said he's been a member for over a month and he wasn't even sorry when I said I'm hurt that he'd lied to me. His response was very much - so what?

I wasn't looking in his bag btw and he doesn't seem annoyed at the fact that I'd found them. My toddler emptied his backpack and they fell out! On one hand he's been telling me how we need to save and we've massively cut back on spending yet he has taken it upon himself to sign up to a gym that costs £60 a month. I don't even get time to get my hair cut as I don't get time to myself without the kids or house chores etc. I find it really annoying that not only has he lied to me but the man who claims he has no time to do anything at home is now expecting to have time to use a gym that's half an hour away from home and half an hour away from work.

Don't ask, ACT

Book the hair appointment, sit down and work out your diaries so you have EQUAL access to leisure time

Stop prioritising him and couple time, prioritise YOU

I've never said he couldn't. Had he have had a conversation about it, I wouldn't be annoyed or upset. The issue isn't him going to the gym, it was the hypocrisy and what I felt was lying.

I have to say I couldn't get very excited about this as long as he can afford it (which it sounds as if he can). If money was super tight I'd understand. But do you expect to sign off every purchase he makes? I couldn't live like that.

Also it's the gym, not like he's going to the pub all the time.

It's not good that he's done this without talking to you, and I can see why you're angry. However, it sounds like you've been making a lot of sacrifices and this is the root cause of your (understandable) resentment.

There's obviously no chance he's doing an equal share in the house and with dc if he has time for the gym while you're not even getting your hair cut. That will have to change. Forget the gym, don't bother arguing with him, but make yourself a priority as much as he does. Spend your money how you see fit, arrange to do the things you want to do. And if he doesn't like it, well he hasn't got a leg to stand on, has he?

Because if you're trying to keep to a budget then it needs discussion

And has he checked that his wife is available to look after his kids while he's there?

I think I told my husband I was joining a gym rather than asked him. We had the money for this though and I wasn't telling him to save money on things and it's an easily cancelled subscription.
His behaviour around money sounds odd and controlling if he can buy things and you can't..

I wonder whose subscriptions were cancelled?

And if one person's spending/time impacts their partner/family then absolutely it needs discussing!

Yes he has been annoying - saying you need to cut back then signing a contract, saying he has no time then signing up for more activities, and lying to you.

You need to spend the same amount of money and time on yourself - if he objects then you have a problem.

He works harder than everyone in the place and puts in the most hours

Or so he tells you.

Given that he’s a proven liar I’d be extremely doubtful about how hard he works, and as for the hours he’s putting in, he’s been spending hours sneaking off to the gym.

Add in the conversation about cutting back financially while he’s helped himself to another £60 a month, he really takes you for a mug, doesn’t he?

I do wonder what couples talk about, joining a gym would definitely be something that I would chat to a partner about , it would be part of an everyday conversation, how was your day? Were you busy ? I'm thinking of joining the gym etc.
He must have known you wouldn't be happy.

Is she was policing it, she would have already known about it, and not just found out by chance.

I think he knew you would have an issue with it so just did it without telling you. Now he's mentioning needing to sign up as a way to come clean..

He shouldn't lie, but you shouldn't have an issue with him going to the gym

But her husband has been saying they need to cut back on spending. If money is tight, £60 a month isn't a unilateral decision.

But the whole point is that he would say she couldn't - that is exactly why it is so unfair!

He "told" her (although I think that the fact that she accepted being "told" to do, or not to do, something by her partner, is a very sad indictment of how the "power" between many couples is still so unfairly distributed) that she had to cut down on spending money on the things that she particularly needed or wanted, eg. going to the hairdressers, and he also told her that he couldn't come home earlier to look after their children in order to enable her to actually do the things he had told her that she couldn't do, because he couldn't stop working at a reasonable hour - however,* *he did word it slightly differently to me.

He was lying.

Anyway @Needsomesupport84 if you haven't already done so, please give @Christmasisover an apology for your little unfair rant.

I signed up to the gym without discussing it because I felt a bit embarrassed about it tbh - I was unfit after years of minimal activity when I first joined and I didn't want to have to talk about it. I was convinced I'd talk myself out of it if I mentioned it, so I bit the bullet and just started going. I didn't lie about it though once I was out of the house at unusual times, that would have been weird behaviour.

Do you think he might have been a bit self-conscious about it? If you can afford it, it doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things, so there may be a personal reason for him having lied about it.

Did you sign up to the gym while telling your husband “we” need to make financial cut backs and cancel subscriptions, and while also moaning that you have no time to do anything in the house or with the family?

But yeah sure… he lied and did all of the above because he might have been self conscious.

This ^ @Christmasisover This ^

And I genuinely wish you the best of luck with either getting a relationship with your partner that is equally fair on both of you, or deciding that you would be much better off not being in a relationship with him at all.

Please believe me that I know how difficult that second choice would be, but if it is the right solution for you, then I am sure that you have the strength to get through it. 💚 xx

I adore the gym, it is my peaceful place and I’m in there 5-6 days a week. What gym is this for £60 a month?! There is loads of gyms a lot cheaper than that, I pay £28 for mine. He should have absolutely discussed with you though for an extra outgoing every month - I hope you also get to treat yourself every month to something and also have time to yourself to enjoy something whilst he watches the kids!

So now you have £60/month and X hours in which to spend it out of the house, as you see fit.

Yes let him know you'll also be taking €60 per months for whatever you want. And if he spends a total of say 3-4 hours per week at the gym, you get the same time off doing something you like. Either evenings or weekends, whenever you can fit it in.

I wouldn't waste time trying to make him see the hypocrisy of asking you to cut back and sayin he has no time. I would just pleasantly remind him that you will he taking an equal amount of time and money for your own Interest. And do it.

Also, if you didn't know he was visiting the gym, he is just lying about being in work late? When does he actually go

Ooohhh…this. I was a bit on the ‘gosh, overreaction much?’ side of the fence until this update. We’re going into home renovations, my OH has stopped paying half the household bills, except the mortgage, to ‘save money into the renovation fund’ and said we needed to start cancelling subscriptions etc…then spent two grand on a fancy computer monitor without saying anything to me.

I would be equally annoyed in your shoes. I would suggest you let him know that it’s not ok to be issuing money-saving edicts to the fam if he’s not going to abide by those himself.

Thank you. This is the crux of why I felt upset and lied to. I'm not trying to get him to not have a life or control what he spends e.g he bought a £300 electric shaver a few weeks ago and I didn't blink an eye. He said he needed it and it would stop him from paying the barber for a fortnightly shave so worthwhile in the longer term. I haven't bought anything of that amount in a very long while and in all honesty, if I did I would discuss it as it's a big purchase. Taking on a contract is something that bothers me as it's something he's tied into regardless of whether he uses it or not. He's previously had a gym membership which he's not used so it just seems even more crazy that he would choose to take it on again.

Thank you for understanding why I was upset/annoyed at the situation. I needed to rationalise the way I was feeling as his reaction was very much dismissive.

Time to book that haircut OP!

Has he explained why he lied?
Sorry OP, but I agree with the posters saying if he’s lied about that maybe he is lying about all the hours at work too.