Husband joined gym without discussing it

[Christmasisover]

AIBU to be hurt/upset about this?

Husband joined the gym without telling me. Not only did he not tell me but he's been saying he 'needs to go sign up' yet I found gym cards in his bag today. To me this isn't a case of just doing something without discussing it. It is a blatant lie. He said he's been a member for over a month and he wasn't even sorry when I said I'm hurt that he'd lied to me. His response was very much - so what?

I wasn't looking in his bag btw and he doesn't seem annoyed at the fact that I'd found them. My toddler emptied his backpack and they fell out! On one hand he's been telling me how we need to save and we've massively cut back on spending yet he has taken it upon himself to sign up to a gym that costs £60 a month. I don't even get time to get my hair cut as I don't get time to myself without the kids or house chores etc. I find it really annoying that not only has he lied to me but the man who claims he has no time to do anything at home is now expecting to have time to use a gym that's half an hour away from home and half an hour away from work.

He's not explained why he lied. I never had him down as a liar either to be honest but now that I know he does lie, I will be more aware and not take everything at face value. I know he doesn't lie
About the majority of his hours at work but clearly he is also lying about some of his hours as he found time to go out of his way to go to the gym and sign up. He's not dressing up or making an effort etc.

He needs to tell the truth about when he went to the gym and what lies he told you. He cant just lie and never own it.

If he goes 4 times a week and its 30 minutes from home and work, say he's there for an hour each time - that is 2 hours away from the family 4 days a week. A massive time commitment particularly if you have small kids. Even if the money isn't such a problem, that's a huge amount of time he's decided to take away ffrom the family without any discussion.

Its just the jym no worries he`s wrong you should LTB how dare he do such a thing you have every right to be livid.
Mn will back you up.

They back a cheating woman up so no worries.

Dont be silly look at the woman that cheated on her husband thread shes being told to lie to her husband and not tell the truth.
Says alot about MN.

Definitely: take the subscriptions you cancelled back out again if they are things you use, and transfer 60 a month to your own account. Stop transferring extra to the mortgage from your personal spends, I’d bet my index finger that he doesn’t do that. He just doesn’t think that you’re important is the problem here. Your time isn’t of value. I’d consider hiring a regular babysitter so when he comes home there is a babysitter there and you’re out once a week or fortnight -‘you tell me you can’t get home any earlier but I still matter here and need some time, so now I have a regular babysitter. Yes it’s expensive, but so is 300 for a shaver and if you have time for the gym I have regular time to me too. I’m not going to wait until you can spare some time to look after your own children any more, particularly now I know you lie about things.’ You need to stop facilitating him and step up to being your own person who can also be selfish and who knows that you matter too, or this situation will never improve.

So if you were right for has and time as a household..

What on earth are you on about?

Presumably you also have the time and money to dedicate to your own hobbies. Which the OP doesn't.

I wish the people who do not get this would keep their irrelevant opinions to themselves.

I had a husband who berated me for buying a book as we could not afford it while he bought himself CDs, football season tickets etc whenever he felt like it.

I get it OP and I am sorry for you. Speak to him but seriously think about what you are willing to put up with and what to do next.

He's lied to you because he knows he's being unreasonable. Sounds like he's already neglecting you and taking you for granted, you are going to resent him coming home even later than he already does.

He wants to spend all his time away from you and the kids.
I wouldn't trust this liar.

Well you might have had a valid point until the blatant sexism in your post.
You’re part of the problem if you believe all men live their lives without communicating with their partner.

Perhaps make better dating choices and you’d see that rather than posting nonsense on here 😉

MN about cheating: Just cheat and don’t tell him, it’ll be fine

Wonen about husband trying to improve fitness: How dare he, LTB!

i joined gym on september and i didnt discuss it with DH. Its not a big deal if you can afford it. I dont understand why you feel its a lie.

Yep thats why i think women cheat more than men.
Im a woman saying it.

First time poster, long time lurker, pls be kind xxxx ('n Just testing name), so just unsure why he hid it from you? xx

Typos. Should have said “tight for cash and time”

You both should have the same amount of leisure time. You both work, are both parents so thinks should be fair. Make sure you tell him this.

I feel it's a lie as it wasn't just the hypocrisy and signing up behind my back but for example on Christmas Day we were all sat around the dinner table. My brother who lives in London was talking about gym membership and how you now get private members club gyms that serve meals, have Dyson hair tools etc all as part of membership. My husband sat there taking part in this conversation saying no how he's thinking of joining a gym etc etc whilst knowing he already had membership! That was a blatant lie he told. 😳

Also just to update... I asked him why he lied, when he signed up and when he has been. So far the answers I have are he doesn't know why he lied, he can't remember when he signed up but it was over a month ago and that he's not actually been to the gym since he signed up!

Why would he need your permission?

You both work and have decent salaries so it doesn't sound like you are desperate for money.

Health is more important than anything and exercising is good for the body and the mind.

He did not tell you because he knew you would overreact...

It would be different if he was wasting money on drinking, smoking or betting. But I think it is healthy to have a hobby. It becomes really tedious if all there is in life is working long hours and going home.

If you think about it your partner is just spending £15 a week looking after his wellbeing. I really can't see anything drastically wrong with that...

The one thing you need to do though is tell him he needs to step up when it comes to helping with the kids and chores.

You two really need to seat down and talk this out.

It’s not really the money is it, it’s the time. See it time and time again on here. DH works ft and can’t parent the kids at evenings and weekends because he’s too busy/tired but astonishingly isn’t too busy/tired to spend 2 hours at the gym 3 nights a week/a Saturday at football/Sunday out cycling

Id not tell you either based on this reaction. Or maybe he wants to lose weight and doesn’t want to tell people - I can understand this. Unless he’s out all the time, leave him alone.

I hope you are going to start spending money on yourself and please make sure you find some time to do what you want to do while he steps up and does some actual parenting.

Because they are supposed to be tightening the purse strings and the op doesn't have equal money or time for herself. If money wasn't tight and they were childless you would be right but absolutely not in this scenario

The lying is problematic. Many men take out a gym membership when they meet a new woman.

So be watchful OP.

The OP said money isn’t an issue