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AIBU?

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Original poster

Husband joined gym without discussing it

103 replies

Christmasisover · 29/12/2023 14:17

AIBU to be hurt/upset about this?

Husband joined the gym without telling me. Not only did he not tell me but he's been saying he 'needs to go sign up' yet I found gym cards in his bag today. To me this isn't a case of just doing something without discussing it. It is a blatant lie. He said he's been a member for over a month and he wasn't even sorry when I said I'm hurt that he'd lied to me. His response was very much - so what?

I wasn't looking in his bag btw and he doesn't seem annoyed at the fact that I'd found them. My toddler emptied his backpack and they fell out! On one hand he's been telling me how we need to save and we've massively cut back on spending yet he has taken it upon himself to sign up to a gym that costs £60 a month. I don't even get time to get my hair cut as I don't get time to myself without the kids or house chores etc. I find it really annoying that not only has he lied to me but the man who claims he has no time to do anything at home is now expecting to have time to use a gym that's half an hour away from home and half an hour away from work.

OP posts:
m00rfarm · 30/12/2023 09:56

Needsomesupport84 · 29/12/2023 15:18

Ffs why can’t he go to the gym? Imagine if you wanted to join and he said you couldn’t.

Because he tells her each time she asks why he cannot be back home to have some family time that he is "too busy". But has time for a gym that is 30 minutes away from work/home. So that will add one hour driving (and associated costs) plus an hour at the gym, each time he goes. That he has told her that the family needs to cut back in order to pay for home repairs and has cancelled various things. Because the OP gets no time for hobbies and puts any spare money SHE has at the end of the month into paying off the mortgage. That he KNEW that he was wrong as he kept saying that he was "going to join the gym" waiting for a positive response from the OP. How many more would you like me to list?

Ktime · 30/12/2023 09:59

Needsomesupport84 · 30/12/2023 09:51

The OP said money isn’t an issue

Show quote history

But it’s one rule for him and one for OP. In case you missed this bit I have C&P’d:

The financial side of things isn't an issue but it's more the hypocrisy of 'let's cut back', you don't need to buy X and making us cancel certain subscriptions that we were using and cost less than his gym membership in order to cut costs as he kept saying we need to save yet on the other hand taking on a gym membership that he is unlikely to use.

enchantedsquirrelwood · 30/12/2023 12:02

zaazaazoo · 29/12/2023 14:54

Because it's family money, they are saving and not supposed u to I be spending on unnecessary things and this 'hobby' will take time out of the day. Time the OP doesn't have and would love to have. Don't you get it? Men just live their lives with no discussion. Women organise their lives around the household responsibilities

Show quote history

It's time women did the same instead of being martyrs all the time.

See also not being able to leave dogs at home for more than 10 minutes.

enchantedsquirrelwood · 30/12/2023 12:05

This thread is also a great illustration of why women need to work and earn their own money. Then they can also indulge hobbies without having to ask "permission" from the patriarch in their lives, and they won't resent their partners for having the temerity to spend their own earnings without asking.

Admittedly my DH and I have a similar view of money - we have our own incomes, separate accounts but a joint account for bills. I guess if you are a saver married to a spendthrift it is very frustrating.

DonnaBanana · 30/12/2023 12:07

Is the rest of the relationship fine? Sometimes men who are upset about their sex lives or even are in sexless relationships are advised to start going to the gym and getting fit and building themselves up on the sly to get increased female attention…

Comtesse · 30/12/2023 12:10

So he can spend money on stupid stuff (£300 shaver how silly) but you can’t?

He is super super busy but now he’ll have time to go to the gym - but somehow there isn’t time for you to go to the hairdresser?

i’d be majorly ticked off about that too. Don’t be a pushover OP. He’s not as selfless as you think.

rwalker · 30/12/2023 12:13

I think it’s massively important and healthy for a relationship to have some time on your own and different interests

instead of stopping him you need to plan some of your own

he more than likely lied as he presumed you’d kick off if he asked
and tbh your post confirms that
we all like an easy life so he took the path of least resistance and lied

LangMayYerLumReek2024 · 30/12/2023 12:14

BeaRF75 · 29/12/2023 14:25

Dear Lord, why do you get to police this? I have no idea what my husband spends on his hobbies because, guess what, they're his hobbies!

This.

OP get your own hobby and your own time to yourself.

If he can make time to go to the gym then you can make time to do stuff for you.

Blueeyedmale · 30/12/2023 12:15

BeaRF75 · 29/12/2023 14:25

Dear Lord, why do you get to police this? I have no idea what my husband spends on his hobbies because, guess what, they're his hobbies!

So I'm guessing dh can spend any amount of money on his hobbies and whatever the cost does not need to be discussed with you?

SecondUsername4me · 30/12/2023 12:15

rwalker · 30/12/2023 12:13

I think it’s massively important and healthy for a relationship to have some time on your own and different interests

instead of stopping him you need to plan some of your own

he more than likely lied as he presumed you’d kick off if he asked
and tbh your post confirms that
we all like an easy life so he took the path of least resistance and lied

If he has free time fir the gym he has free time to come home and help with the kids. Which he says he doesn't have. So he is a perpetual liar.

Christmasmug · 30/12/2023 12:26

OP did you ask him why you'd had to tighten your belt and cancel subscriptions you/DC were using when apparently it's ok for him to spend an extra £60 a month?

Nanny0gg · 30/12/2023 12:27

Startingagainandagain · 30/12/2023 09:31

Why would he need your permission?

You both work and have decent salaries so it doesn't sound like you are desperate for money.

Health is more important than anything and exercising is good for the body and the mind.

He did not tell you because he knew you would overreact...

It would be different if he was wasting money on drinking, smoking or betting. But I think it is healthy to have a hobby. It becomes really tedious if all there is in life is working long hours and going home.

If you think about it your partner is just spending £15 a week looking after his wellbeing. I really can't see anything drastically wrong with that...

The one thing you need to do though is tell him he needs to step up when it comes to helping with the kids and chores.

You two really need to seat down and talk this out.

Did you read her posts?

Nanny0gg · 30/12/2023 12:28

Needsomesupport84 · 30/12/2023 09:51

The OP said money isn’t an issue

Show quote history

But her husband said it was...

SecondUsername4me · 30/12/2023 12:34

Christmasmug · 30/12/2023 12:26

OP did you ask him why you'd had to tighten your belt and cancel subscriptions you/DC were using when apparently it's ok for him to spend an extra £60 a month?

Especially given he hasn't used the gym this month, so £60 for literally zero return.

MCOut · 30/12/2023 13:16

Codlingmoths · 29/12/2023 23:41

Definitely: take the subscriptions you cancelled back out again if they are things you use, and transfer 60 a month to your own account. Stop transferring extra to the mortgage from your personal spends, I’d bet my index finger that he doesn’t do that. He just doesn’t think that you’re important is the problem here. Your time isn’t of value. I’d consider hiring a regular babysitter so when he comes home there is a babysitter there and you’re out once a week or fortnight -‘you tell me you can’t get home any earlier but I still matter here and need some time, so now I have a regular babysitter. Yes it’s expensive, but so is 300 for a shaver and if you have time for the gym I have regular time to me too. I’m not going to wait until you can spare some time to look after your own children any more, particularly now I know you lie about things.’ You need to stop facilitating him and step up to being your own person who can also be selfish and who knows that you matter too, or this situation will never improve.

All of this. That he felt the need to lie to, you means he knows he’s setting up an unfair dynamic. Do not play along.

squigglygiggly · 30/12/2023 22:21

@rwalker we all like an easy life so he took the path of least resistance and lied

Well clearly he does. His liking for an easy life extends to never looking after the kids and demanding the OP cuts bank on her spending presumably so he can merrily build an even easier life for himself at the gym.

Esmerelda2024 · 30/12/2023 22:24

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Starzinsky · 30/12/2023 22:31

You can't put a price on your health, genuinely if he is going to use it then good on him. I personally think that physical health and exercise should be prioritised over any other luxuries in life.

Nanny0gg · 30/12/2023 22:39

Starzinsky · 30/12/2023 22:31

You can't put a price on your health, genuinely if he is going to use it then good on him. I personally think that physical health and exercise should be prioritised over any other luxuries in life.

Seriously, how many people haven't read the OP's reasons why she has a problem with this?

Plus the fact he's had the membership for at least a month and HE HASN'T USED IT!!

SusanKennedyshouldLTB · 30/12/2023 22:45

Id guess he is still lying.

Esmerelda2024 · 30/12/2023 22:52

This reply has been deleted

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Vinrouge4 · 30/12/2023 22:59

BeaRF75 · 29/12/2023 14:25

Dear Lord, why do you get to police this? I have no idea what my husband spends on his hobbies because, guess what, they're his hobbies!

Well aren’t you the perfect wife

Haydenn · 30/12/2023 23:01

Sometimes people can feel embarrassed about starting a new workout routine or diet in case it doesn’t work or they can’t stick with it

DeeCeeCherry · 30/12/2023 23:08

it's more the hypocrisy of 'let's cut back', you don't need to buy X and making us cancel certain subscriptions that we were using and cost less than his gym membership in order to cut costs as he kept saying we need to save yet on the other hand taking on a gym membership that he is unlikely to use. There's also the time element of it as all I ever hear and see from him is that he can't do x y z with us because he has too much on. He is in a salaried role within a family*
business. He works harder than everyone in the place and puts in the most hours despite the fact it has zero impact on his take home pay*

Supremely selfish. & looking for yet more reasons to be away from home, leaving all childcare and housework to you. & you also work outside the home. I know some pp's have suggested well then you can get time to yourself plus £60 too. But how, exactly? Your husband sounds to be never at home, spending more hours at work than he needs to and now taking out a gym membership.

I'm just thinking well, can you even be bothered with him? You could have a straight talk with him I suppose but he doesn't seem the type to listen. He's all for himself. I hope you have family and friends support otherwise I can't think how you'll get a break. Anyway you mentioned a haircut so maybe in the 1st instance, find a good mobile hairdresser who can come to you

Copperoliverbear · 30/12/2023 23:42

It seems to me what's more of an issue is you need to find a hobby yourself or meet up with friends for a meal ect and leave him to it, you are not spending any time just being you. X

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