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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Bye bye bigot MIL

559 replies

222333Annie · 29/12/2023 03:44

My MIL has always had questionable views on things but I’ve always for the most part not engaged with her as she is the kind of idiot it’s impossible to reason with.

now I have a DS (10 months) .On Xmas day, she said most disgraced celebs are innocent and women “put themselves into these situations” she used a number of racial slurs Infront of my family (my parents are immigrants and my brother in law / nieces are people of colour )

she then proceeded to tell me I read “ too much science ” when raising my son and her way (the old fashioned way) is the only way.To which my mother replied current guidelines are based on research to reduce SIDS so cannot be a bad thing.

I guess my point here is.Can I really have an anti feminist,racists science denier around my son? She is from the boomer generation but still…?Husband says he supports cutting down contact if she says things like this around him when he is older but obviously cannot completely disown his mum.In an ideal world,I would never mix with someone so ridiculous so at a loss as to how to handle it.She is also very angry she will not be assisting me with childcare when I return to work .Obviously all of the above is the reason why.Should I get DH to explain this to her?

OP posts:
CaptainMyCaptain · 29/12/2023 07:34

222333Annie · 29/12/2023 07:30

@Shadowsindarkplaces again coz I’m tired of saying it I referred to her being boomer in terms of raising children

would have been very different in the 70s hence why I reasoned maybe she doesn’t understand

But she continued living in the decades between the 1970s and the present day. She wasn't transported directly from the 70s without being able to take on new ideas.

FWIW I'm in my late 60s and have a mixed race family and I'm on your side - don't make excuses for her because of her age.

222333Annie · 29/12/2023 07:35

@Anyotherdude I don’t expect it from anyone actually.I do however understand how her age and what her experience was as a parent makes her not understand my parenting choices don’t think that’s bad don’t think that’s ageist I’m trying to empathise with and understand someone who really upsets me if that’s something I’ve thought to myself to make sense of it I don’t deserve to be scorned by people on MN 😂

OP posts:
Tereseta · 29/12/2023 07:35

Tbh this thread has be derailed by all the ageist comments. The issue is that your mil has been racist and insulted your family in front of them. This would be enough for ne to go low contact. I would call her out every single time and leave if she continues. She would definitely not have my child by herself either. Hope your family are OK.

TorroFerney · 29/12/2023 07:35

FiveShelties · 29/12/2023 04:18

Sorry I thought your thread was serious, but now I see you have a problem with her not drinking. Good effort though!

Does she have a pet shark?

Crikey, in your haste to put the knife in you’ve completely missed the context of this! Op was asked if she’s only like this when she’s pissed and was saying no these are sober comments.

RampantIvy · 29/12/2023 07:35

222333Annie · 29/12/2023 07:30

@Shadowsindarkplaces again coz I’m tired of saying it I referred to her being boomer in terms of raising children

would have been very different in the 70s hence why I reasoned maybe she doesn’t understand

Yes, things were different in the 1970s, but I understand that, and so do the "boomers" on this thread.

Your MIL's racist and homophobic views are her uneducated views and not the views of most people in our age group.

Please stop spouting your ageist views and tarring all people over 60 with the same brush. Hmm

How old is your MIL?

My late MIL held homophobic and mildly racist views, but that was due to ignorance. She would be 94 if she was still alive.

LakieLady · 29/12/2023 07:36

ohdamnitjanet · 29/12/2023 04:40

Casual racism was not the norm in my family, or most of my friends families. We did not use slurs daily or ever.

Edited

My experience was the same. Racist language was not used in our home or that of my friends up when I was growing up (born 1955).

I've had a little chuckle at the OP displaying her own bigotry while complaining about her MIL's bigotry though. And her ignorance: we boomers campaigned against apartheid, marched against the National Front and rocked against racism.

Brefugee · 29/12/2023 07:38

DirectionToPerfection · 29/12/2023 05:32

That point has been made ad nauseum and the OP has acknowledged it.

OP does have a genuine issue here and the pile on from overly sensitive posters is very unhelpful.

Edited

no. The "pile on" shows just how unacceptable casual-ageism is. It is nice to see, tbh, because there is so bloody much of it here.

And as other posters have said: it shows OP that people can be called out (in various ways) for their casual -isms. Job done, right.

And as several "boomers" have said: they didn't put up with casual racism and sexism growing up because they pulled people up on it. As OP can do. Instead of just thinking "oh she's an old bag, she can't help it". Because if she is racist because of her age it either can't be helped, or she means nothing by it or OP could calmly say "that's a bit racist, MIL, is that how you meant it?"

222333Annie · 29/12/2023 07:41

@RampantIvy I’m not tarring everyone lots of people like my mum have always been empathetic and evolved with the times .im saying she may hold certain views because of her age is not saying all older people hold the same view .Unfortunately some people have not changed their views with the times it’s not ageist to point that out

OP posts:
Alicesmagicmushroom · 29/12/2023 07:42

Haven’t rtft but you seem to quite pleased you’ve found a way to exclude your mil OP.

Doesn’t come across well.

Sadza · 29/12/2023 07:43

She is from the boomer generation but still…

I guess both you and your MIL aren’t perfect

Brefugee · 29/12/2023 07:44

ilovesooty · 29/12/2023 07:21

I don't think I even know where to start with the contradictions in that post.

yep, the OP is backtracking and #SorryNotSorrying all over the place but it is clear the age thing is still not breaking through.

As for the "all picking on the OPs casual ageism but excusing the MIL" yeah - as we say "show your receipts" because from where I'm sitting the deal with that is pretty consistently "it is wrong to do an -ism, including when you do it"

AccidentallyWesAnderson · 29/12/2023 07:44

Think the boomers need to calm down a bit. It was a throwaway comment which the OP has apologised for. You are making her ageist comment bigger than her racist sexual offending denying MIL. Christ.

222333Annie · 29/12/2023 07:44

Not a pile on im
sticking to what I said coz im
right. I apologised for using the term boomer but thinking her parenting views may be different to mine coz of age and experience isn’t ageist it’s facts.She isn’t willing to accept things have changed many others her age and older have and even embrace it when caring for grandchildren .Not tarring everyone this could just be a factor for HER

OP posts:
Maddy70 · 29/12/2023 07:46

Just roll your eyes at her. Call her pit.
"Did you mean to be racist?
Did you mean to offend my family?
Etc etc

Don't cut contact that's your husbands mother and your childrens grandmother but gently call her out on it

Maddy70 · 29/12/2023 07:46

Just roll your eyes at her. Call her pit.
"Did you mean to be racist?
Did you mean to offend my family?
Etc etc

Don't cut contact that's your husbands mother and your childrens grandmother but gently call her out on it

222333Annie · 29/12/2023 07:47

@Alicesmagicmushroom how do you know I havnt been putting up with so much crap it’s detrimental to my mental health ?Never said getting rid of her said distance it’s ok to distance yourself from people who upset you and can’t be told

OP posts:
GB81 · 29/12/2023 07:47

The responses on here are fucking wild.
You know that your MIL is wrong, you don’t need to defend it here. Whatever you do, don’t leave her in charge of your child, she’ll be sleeping him on his front just to prove you wrong.
As for the racism, directed at your family! She is a nasty piece of work, she knows exactly what she is doing.
I would cut contact to a minimum and if she steps over the line again call her out and remove her from the situation immediately.

rowanoak · 29/12/2023 07:47

I cut off family members like this and my children and I are much better for it. Cheers to you for doing the same!

RampantIvy · 29/12/2023 07:47

How old is she @222333Annie ?

222333Annie · 29/12/2023 07:48

Sorry so are you going to tell me the sleep
guidelines etc were the same in the 70s and it’s ageist to say she doesn’t understand as she hasn’t had children since then ?

OP posts:
222333Annie · 29/12/2023 07:49

65

OP posts:
vdbfamily · 29/12/2023 07:51

Personally I think there is a difference between the baby care views and the racist views.
Whatever era you have a baby, you can choose for yourself whether to follow current guidance. It is not law and we each have to weigh up pros and cons. I had my babys within 3.5 years of each other and the weaning advice for each of them had changed in that time. I had a mother advising baby rice from 4 months and for my first that had been the advice. I just explained to my mum that advice had changed but then with my son who was a big baby, I wrapped him a bit earlier than current advice as he was very hungry all the time. It was fine and he has no health issues or food allergies.
One of my babies would often scream if not lying on her tummy, so I would let her nap on her tummy. I knew the risk was increased so would keep a close eye and did not put her to bed at night on her tummy, just day time naps.
We are allowed to make individual decisions based on the e evidence of the day and I think we can decide differently and still co exist.
When it comes to expressing hate or dis respect about a whole group of people based on a protected characteristic, I think that had to be challenged every time but again can be done respectfully.
If she uses inappropriate racist language, tell her why it is not appropriate and why, if she continues to use that language, you will choose for her grandchild to spend less time in her presence.
If she tells you to tell your child that gays are disgusting, explain why you will not be bringing your child up to hate or view anyone in that way and explain reasons why. Once you have consistently attempted to educate a few times, I think you can take further steps if she continues.
My children disagree with my parents on lots of issues but will sometimes debate these issues with them and sometimes choose to ignore and then chat about en route home. I encourage them, now teenagers/ young adults, to politely disagree and discuss if they disagree with a view. That is healthy

Brefugee · 29/12/2023 07:51

ffs OP just stop digging.
Challenge the racism - if you're a recent new parent now you're what, Millinneal? Gen Z? If we're going to tar an age range with a brush surely you're the ones busy calling people out and showing them the error of their ways?

Several of us have given you advice but you're all defensive now about your casual ageism. So. Again. -isms aren't acceptable and you have to make sure your (and your DHs) parenting wishes/style are observed if (unlikely, i think) MIL is ever in sole charge of your baby. And whenever she shows an -ism tell her that is an -ism and not acceptable and if it continues she will not be seeing you and your son because that isn't how you want to bring him up.

AuntMarch · 29/12/2023 07:51

Grandparents are by definition from a different generation. It's not an an excuse.

I wouldn't want to be around someone like that. I changed jobs because I was tired of hearing similar views/comments... I certainly wouldn't allow it in my home or around my family!

If I were you, DH could take DC to visit, so he was there to challenge anything she said along those lines (good modelling for DC!) but there'd never be a babysitting scenario.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 29/12/2023 07:51

Well, I've seen some deeply ageist threads on here (and we were about due for another one now Christmas is over and we're back to normal) but not as wild as this one.