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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Bye bye bigot MIL

559 replies

222333Annie · 29/12/2023 03:44

My MIL has always had questionable views on things but I’ve always for the most part not engaged with her as she is the kind of idiot it’s impossible to reason with.

now I have a DS (10 months) .On Xmas day, she said most disgraced celebs are innocent and women “put themselves into these situations” she used a number of racial slurs Infront of my family (my parents are immigrants and my brother in law / nieces are people of colour )

she then proceeded to tell me I read “ too much science ” when raising my son and her way (the old fashioned way) is the only way.To which my mother replied current guidelines are based on research to reduce SIDS so cannot be a bad thing.

I guess my point here is.Can I really have an anti feminist,racists science denier around my son? She is from the boomer generation but still…?Husband says he supports cutting down contact if she says things like this around him when he is older but obviously cannot completely disown his mum.In an ideal world,I would never mix with someone so ridiculous so at a loss as to how to handle it.She is also very angry she will not be assisting me with childcare when I return to work .Obviously all of the above is the reason why.Should I get DH to explain this to her?

OP posts:
Celeriacisquitenice · 29/12/2023 11:09

AppleChristsBirthdayMacchiato · 29/12/2023 10:21

Again, that is not what "white privilege" means.

It means a white person would experience better treatment than a non-white person IN THE EXACT SAME CIRCUMSTANCES. So you can't compare travellers to non-travellers, but to travellers who are white to travellers who are non-white.

Anyway race is a social-cultural (and often legal) construct as much as it's about skin tone. Different countries legally class race in different ways. The US Supreme Court has heard various cases from individuals who have fought a case to be declared legally white. There have even been cases of black people being declared legally white!

White supremacy is based on a lot more than just "anyone with light skin." Under slavery in the USA, anyone with a black ancestor was considered to be "half caste" and eligible to be made a slave, when they likely would have looked visibly very white. The Nazis considered anyone with any Jewish heritage to be Jewish. Look up the one drop rule. Or the wonderful stage play An Octaroon.

For example, people always bring up Jews as some kind of gotcha that racism doesn't exist, since look, white people being victim to racism! Well first that ignores that plenty of Jews don't have white skin. But the fundamental issue here is that white supremacy does not consider ANY Jew to be white, regardless of the colour of their skin.

None of this is to dismiss the amount of anti-blackness in the world, or the ways that colourism intersect with racism, or the experiences of dark complected black people. But to say that racism doesn't exist or that white privilege doesn't exist just because some light skinned people also experience racism is to show utter ignorance of what white privilege actually means.

I didn't say white privilege doesn't exist!
Of course it does and the figures I quoted show that very clearly!
I said I don't think it exists for all white people in all circumstances.
Irish travellers are a white ethnic group. A black traveller (say one parent is black) would not - casually at least - be easily recognised as part of the traveller ethnic group and could be treated more favourably as a result. Black people are less discriminated against than travellers are in Ireland.

Nellle · 29/12/2023 11:12

It's so very Mumsnet that more posters are piling on the use of the word "boomer" than are commenting on the fact that your MIL says you must all teach your son that "gay people are disgusting."

PaperDoIIs · 29/12/2023 11:20

Tbf if OP hadn't mentioned anything age wise, there would be plenty of posters falling over themselves to explain to her that it was a different time, she's from a different generation, times were different bla bla bla. It always happens.

whatsitcalledwhen · 29/12/2023 11:22

Nellle · 29/12/2023 11:12

It's so very Mumsnet that more posters are piling on the use of the word "boomer" than are commenting on the fact that your MIL says you must all teach your son that "gay people are disgusting."

And she's using racial slurs in front of her mixed race grandchildren.

Some of the reactions to this on the thread is so disappointing. Those poor kids.

nw80 · 29/12/2023 11:23

Honestly I think (easy to say here I know) that it is important to realise that you don't need to keep family close just because they are family. Any good from staying close is likely nowhere near enough to counteract the bad she brings. Do you really want someone who treats your family like that in your life? She sounds utterly abhorrent. And it sends such mixed messages to your family that you continue to keep her around, particularly your children and nieces. Good luck with whatever you do x

Lilithlogic · 29/12/2023 11:23

Twiglets1 · 29/12/2023 07:02

The words millennial and Gen Z don’t tend to be used as shorthand to insult people so as far as I’m aware, they are still acceptable.

That could change of course, language does adapt.

Baby boomer as a description is ok too, it is the casual ageism of “boomers” said with a sneer that is becoming unacceptable.

What a load of bollocks, they get used by some people in the BOOMERS generation all the while. How often does some jumped up egit complain about the woke generations being offended by anything. Well after seeing the ridiculous overreaction to the OP(who has tried to apologise) maybe they should take a good look at themselves.

BashfulClam · 29/12/2023 11:30

My mother is a boomer, she is not racist, bigoted, a science denier, thinks it’s never the victims fault when an attack happens. She also
listened to my Brother and SIL on parenting as she realised things had changed although she did say ‘dirty backsides haven’t changed I see!’ 😂

its not generational it’s the person.

TinkerTiger · 29/12/2023 11:59

GodDammitCecil · 29/12/2023 04:42

Lovely.

My parents / their friends / siblings are 1930s/40s born.

It definitely was not the norm.

And yet there’s a current thread running on ‘foreigners in the nursery’ and so many are falling over themselves to stereotype the workers as having thick accents, bad English and no clue about British values. Not the norm indeed.

Perhaps the OP of that thread should have talked about complaints due to the nursery hiring a bunch of boomers, then there’d be some outrage

CaptainMyCaptain · 29/12/2023 12:05

AppleChristsBirthdayMacchiato · 29/12/2023 09:02

Typical Mumsnet.

Calling someone n**er: perfectly fine, just an opinion, everyone's entitled to an opinion, black people need to stop being so oversensitive and stop "playing the race card" because racism doesn't exist in this country, critical race theory is just an American thing.

Calling someone boomer: the worst bigotry and hatred the world has ever seen, middle aged white people are the single most oppressed people on earth.

Absolutely nobody has defended racial slurs. On the contrary people are objecting to the implication that older people cant help being racist and sexist because they're 'boomers'.

CaptainMyCaptain · 29/12/2023 12:21

Libertyy · 29/12/2023 10:02

Literally. They freak out over the mention of “boomer” which is what the generation is called saying it has negative connotations but they’re nowhere to be seen when older people are slating “gen z” and that’s perfectly fine to them

If you think that's what upset people then you haven't been reading their posts. It's not the word 'boomer' it's excusing people being racist because they're boomers and they can't help it. All the 'boomers' on this thread have said the racism and sexism is unacceptable.

It's equally wrong to make comments about teenagers or Millennials and I don't believe anyone has done that on this thread.

CaptainMyCaptain · 29/12/2023 12:24

Tacotortoise · 29/12/2023 10:02

Actually a lot of them were. Especially the ones about women "asking for it". Sexual harassment was considered utterly normal and sexual assault was only really a crime if a woman was beyond reproach (being beyond reproach depended a lot on who you were, who you'd slept with, what you wore, how much you'd drunk, where you were, what you were doing- and on and on).

That was true in the 70s, it's how we were brought up, but it's not true now and anyone who had access to any type of media in the past 50 years ought to know that. It was also women and girls in the 70s who fought against it.

Nanny0gg · 29/12/2023 12:26

Dibblydoodahdah · 29/12/2023 10:52

Good for you because my MIL couldn’t get her head around feeding on demand. She thought DC should be fed according to a strict timetable! Just because you have been able to “move with the times” doesn’t mean that all older people have been able to.

No of course they haven't (but a lot of my generation breastfed on demand, just saying...)

But do you like being lumped in with your generation as though you're not capable of independent thought?

No. No-one does

So people need to stop it

5128gap · 29/12/2023 12:31

222333Annie · 29/12/2023 04:20

Well her generation parented very differently for example she weaned her children at 4 months I didn’t do this until a lot later as NHS guidelines have changed she was upset and thought I wasn’t feeding him I can u sees and that is confusing for her as it’s quite different to what she knows.But still should she be this involved ?

4 months? How very forward thinking of her. I'm gen X and the advice I got was 3 months if they 'seemed ready'. You MiL was a trail blazer!

scorpiogirly · 29/12/2023 12:33

Depends what she has said. If she doesn't have the insane woke views that a lot of people seem to have today then it can only be a good thing.

Dibblydoodahdah · 29/12/2023 12:34

Nanny0gg · 29/12/2023 12:26

No of course they haven't (but a lot of my generation breastfed on demand, just saying...)

But do you like being lumped in with your generation as though you're not capable of independent thought?

No. No-one does

So people need to stop it

OP didn’t lump a generation in all together. That’s how you chose to interpret it.

And my mum breastfed according to a schedule as she was instructed to by the midwives, no breastfeeding on demand for her, just saying!

Nanny0gg · 29/12/2023 12:39

Dibblydoodahdah · 29/12/2023 12:34

OP didn’t lump a generation in all together. That’s how you chose to interpret it.

And my mum breastfed according to a schedule as she was instructed to by the midwives, no breastfeeding on demand for her, just saying!

Read some of her posts again

222333Annie · 29/12/2023 12:39

I don’t know why the need for sarcasm here the advice she received was different to myself. that was the point I was making.Yet she still refuses to accept my choices I stated her not being used to the idea of waiting until 6 months due to her being told different could be a factor and why she is so unwilling to accept this

OP posts:
222333Annie · 29/12/2023 12:40

No one said this though did they just stated her views may be different but it’s ok when I’m older I’ll insist my views now were never my views and that no one else my
age ever had those views at all 😂and times are exactly the same

OP posts:
222333Annie · 29/12/2023 12:43

Don’t need to because you’re a ridiculous individual I’m talking about this could be a factor to why my MIL behaves this way in regard to undermining my parenting choices . my mum isn’t that way nor are any of the other women of similar age in my family

OP posts:
Dibblydoodahdah · 29/12/2023 12:43

Nanny0gg · 29/12/2023 12:39

Read some of her posts again

I’ve read all of them, thank you. You’re the one that’s misconstrued her comments. OP was offering an explanation of why her MIL views things differently (e.g. with child rearing).

rainydaysandwednesdays · 29/12/2023 12:47

Presumably your husband turned out ok? I don't think it's ever a good thing to cut a particular type of person out. We can't see it happening to it doesn't exist type of attitude.

This lady is your child's grandmother, her views don't align with yours so you want to cut her out?

What stands out here is that you are unwilling to accept a view point different to your own, bigotry, racism and anti-feminism are all man made concepts pushed by the media. There are different levels and let's remember context. Let's also consider if malice is intended. These are very important.

I'll get flamed for this in true MN style but I feel there is a certain divide in society now where one side is absolutely unwilling to entertain an opposing view point.

Grandparents bring so much into the lives of grandchildren and it would be such a shame to cut that off.

AppleChristsBirthdayMacchiato · 29/12/2023 12:47

CaptainMyCaptain · 29/12/2023 12:05

Absolutely nobody has defended racial slurs. On the contrary people are objecting to the implication that older people cant help being racist and sexist because they're 'boomers'.

Plenty of people are defending racism as just an opinion, acting like racism is valid debate, the usual cries of wokeness, etc.

AppleChristsBirthdayMacchiato · 29/12/2023 12:48

scorpiogirly · 29/12/2023 12:33

Depends what she has said. If she doesn't have the insane woke views that a lot of people seem to have today then it can only be a good thing.

See? Not being a racist is "insane woke views."

Libertyy · 29/12/2023 12:49

CaptainMyCaptain · 29/12/2023 12:21

If you think that's what upset people then you haven't been reading their posts. It's not the word 'boomer' it's excusing people being racist because they're boomers and they can't help it. All the 'boomers' on this thread have said the racism and sexism is unacceptable.

It's equally wrong to make comments about teenagers or Millennials and I don't believe anyone has done that on this thread.

If you think that’s what I’m responding to, you clearly haven’t read the post I’m replying to. I’m in agreement with you.

scorpiogirly · 29/12/2023 12:50

I didn't mean racism, of course that is unacceptable.

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