Bye bye bigot MIL

[222333Annie]

My MIL has always had questionable views on things but I’ve always for the most part not engaged with her as she is the kind of idiot it’s impossible to reason with.

now I have a DS (10 months) .On Xmas day, she said most disgraced celebs are innocent and women “put themselves into these situations” she used a number of racial slurs Infront of my family (my parents are immigrants and my brother in law / nieces are people of colour )

she then proceeded to tell me I read “ too much science ” when raising my son and her way (the old fashioned way) is the only way.To which my mother replied current guidelines are based on research to reduce SIDS so cannot be a bad thing.

I guess my point here is.Can I really have an anti feminist,racists science denier around my son? She is from the boomer generation but still…?Husband says he supports cutting down contact if she says things like this around him when he is older but obviously cannot completely disown his mum.In an ideal world,I would never mix with someone so ridiculous so at a loss as to how to handle it.She is also very angry she will not be assisting me with childcare when I return to work .Obviously all of the above is the reason why.Should I get DH to explain this to her?

What people (usually white people) who seem to think she’d be a doting grandparent don’t understand is having a racist grandparent who hates your half of the family because of their (and your) race and obviously prefers their white grandchildren more cos they’re not mixed fucks with your own self identity and self worth as someone who isn’t white/or isn’t fully white. This is not something to just compromise over. It affects the kids. And to the people who’ll say “how do you know they’ll treat them differently” well it’s obvious isn’t it?

I know many people on here think that GPs are important. And when they're loving and supportive then they are

But it really isn't the end of the world for a child not to have one. And if they're the opposite of loving and supporting it is better to cut them off

The OP hasn’t specified her children are mixed race. Her parents are immigrants but that could mean anything. It’s her brother-in-law’s children who are mixed race.

But it's apples and oranges. Black face was to poke fun at people of colour. Trans ideology is not to make fun of women.

Big thread and I haven't read it all but here's my advice, which is exactly the technique I used with my own stepfather who is racist, sexist and homophobic.

My DS was brought up in a multi-cultural community and one of his first nursery friends was a wee boy of Sudanese descent, whose parents were first generation immigrants, and actually I think probably refugees given the circs at the time.

I told my SD that he was welcome to say what he liked, but the minute my little son said 'I don't want to go to Grandad's because he says mean things about people like <friend's name>' I would say, 'quite right son, grandad is racist and we don't want to spend time with racist people who say horrible things about our friends.'

And he would never see him again.

And I meant it.

And he shut up because he knew I meant it.

@RosesAndHellebores

My mother and I both remember when health professionals advised babies be put on their tummies to sleep - due to research. That went well.

It didn't 'go well' statistically though. Yes, most babies were actually fine. But back sleeping guidelines contributed to a large reduction in SIDS. A reduction of more than half, in fact.

I'm not sure what benefit there is to you to dismiss that fact?

www.lullabytrust.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/fact-sheet-back-to-sleep.pdf

Placing your baby on their back to sleep is one of our key pieces of advice to lower the chance of SIDS.

Although in the past babies were slept on their fronts, the change in advice in 1990 to put babies on their backs is one of the main reasons why sudden infant death dropped by more than half between 1989 (where there were 1,545 SIDS cases in the UK), to 1992 (where there were 647 cases in the UK).

Didn't you know? The Boomer generation are responsible for everything that people consider wrong - from dropping litter in the streets to millennials being called wimps (also 'difficult' MIL's - but maybe MIL's not the only one who's prejudiced?)😂

Yes, I do indeed. But unfortunately he was seen by some, perhaps many, as a vindication of these views.
And constantly calling the younger generation liberal (boomer?) son-in-law a lefty Scouse git didn't help either!

Good for you because my MIL couldn’t get her head around feeding on demand. She thought DC should be fed according to a strict timetable! Just because you have been able to “move with the times” doesn’t mean that all older people have been able to.

I believe loving and accepting grandparents are important but like you said it’s not the end of the world when the kids have parents who make the decision to cut the racist grandparents off. But from the child’s perspective when you see your cousins have a lovely bond with your nana and you wonder why you’re not good enough for nana to love you the same too, and you wish you were white like nana just so you can get her love. Kids notice and pick up on things. It is best to shield the kids from that in the first place. Like a sort of damage control.

Although I love my mum dearly, she isn't much better than your MIL.

Over Christmas, she was looking at a photo her nephew had enclosed with a card, of him, his wife, and their two sons, aged about 19 and 16. Then she says, "Oh, I didn't realise "Nephew" had a daughter!"
I say, "What do you mean? He has Tom and Jack...?"
She says, "Well Jack has that ridiculous long hair! He looks like a girl!"

I honestly don't think she even considers her audience any more when she says stuff like that, because I always call her on it.

I say, "That's a weird thing to say... Especially as you AND me both have short hair. Girls can have short hair if they want, so boys can have long hair if they want."

Long pause, and then she'll say something like, "Oh, I was just saying..." and then shuts up! So annoying.

Her MIL has been racist, using racial slurs in front of OP's family including her mixed race children.

If you wouldn't be disgusted by that, and see OP's disgust it as 'looking for drama' then you are the kind of parent who would rather let their children be exposed to people being racist about your children's own heritage than try to tackle it and have their back. To want them not to feel shit about themselves and their other side of the family, their skin colour etc.

Which is shameful, to be honest.

My children are also mixed race but different mix to my sisters children we have both married outside of our culture

Do you think it would be "respectful" to your children to allow them to be exposed to someone being racist about your mixed race children's heritage? Or is it just family members older than us that we should respect?

Imagine how upsetting it is to be in the company of someone using racial slurs about one half of your heritage, and have nobody challenge them out of "respect" for that person" rather than feeling protected by your parent.

It's vile.

Exactly. Plus, if this was a white woman posting, the woman you’re quoting would definitely not be saying that. She’d be up in arms

We shall have to disagree on that I am afraid.
I think that black face was far, far worse than 'poking fun' at people of colour.
I also think that TRAs promote a hatred of women that is off the scale.

Would you not want to exclude someone who used racial slurs in front of your mixed race children? Goodness.

She said to me that after her son was born the mother in law has become more outrageously racist so it’s safe to say her children are mixed

@Growlybear83

Why on earth is it a problem that your mother in law doesn't drink? What does that have to do with your other concerns about her?

It means they can't be dismissed as drunk talk and are in fact her real views, even when stone cold sober. I'm pretty sure that's what OP meant.

@Alicesmagicmushroom Would you be saying the same if this was a different race older lady or are you just defending her because she’s white?

Not read the whole thread, but your child is, in their life, going to be exposed to views you strongly disagree with.

I would just use your son ( when he is older) talking about what MIL has said, as an opportunity to talk through these issues with him.

This is a much better approach that trying to hide him from opinions you disagree with, by hiding him from people you disagree with. ( I strongly object to your MILs views too). It’s also an achievable approach.

@Beautyfadesdumbisforever

Just a thought. She is clearly awful and always has been but she raised the man that fathered your child.
You fell in love with him and he can’t hold these views or you wouldn’t be with him.so it she had all of those years to indoctrinate him and didn’t your child will have very limited time with her they will grow up just fine.

But OP's children are mixed race. And MIL uses racial slurs. They are victims of her racism, not just bystanders like OP's DH was. Her slurs may make them feel awful about themselves and confused.

OP's DH was never at risk of that as it sounds like he is the same race as his mum.

Would you really be able to happily accept someone into your home who made racial slurs in front of your mixed race children?

I can't understand that.

@Zarah123 I did miss the post about her being openly rude and racist to the OPs guests. That does put a different slant on how OP should respond. And if OPs child is mixed race then I do agree with a pp that her views could damage that child's self worth if not challenged. But, I would still do this civilly because she isn't some stranger, she is family and OPs dh might not want a blazing row and to cut off his own mother.

I'm wondering if there's some power struggle she's engaging in with the OP now there's a baby - some grandparents do seem to go through a funny stage when there's a first grandchild - it's a shift in generational roles and sometimes they need to settle down and adjust to not being in charge of this new person.

OP, you can certainly say to her that her behaviour in your home was completely unacceptable and you won't have her insult your guests. You do have the right not to invite her over if she cannot behave in a socially acceptable manner and if that means her missing out on big family Christmas, then that's on her. I would definitely challenge her views. She might eventually give what you say some thought and start to see things differently. I wouldn't just quietly accept her saying whatever she likes without challenge. But ultimately I think if there's love between your dh and his mum and if she loves her grandchild, I would want to preserve that.

My mum was 73 when she happily accepted the advice about weaning had changed from 4 to 6 months. She is 90 now. Your MIL is thick and ignorant.

I've not read the entire thread as it's gone off on a tangent it seems. My mil is like this. All sweetness and light to others but never ending racist drivel and sniping at my parenting.

You need to get your dh on your side. Mine just wanted a easy life and did zero when she called me a witch in my own house. I cut her off for a year and reminded her after a year of my boundaries. It's ironic as her other GC are neither white or British like her ( she also hates the British since she emergrated. She was nasty as she must have hated me to some degree also no one ever has pulled her up on her behaviours. She she thinks it's welcomed. She said she is straight talker, no she's rude. She gradually upsets more and more people but never sees it.

Her kids should have had a gentle chat decades ago.