Bye bye bigot MIL

[222333Annie]

My MIL has always had questionable views on things but I’ve always for the most part not engaged with her as she is the kind of idiot it’s impossible to reason with.

now I have a DS (10 months) .On Xmas day, she said most disgraced celebs are innocent and women “put themselves into these situations” she used a number of racial slurs Infront of my family (my parents are immigrants and my brother in law / nieces are people of colour )

she then proceeded to tell me I read “ too much science ” when raising my son and her way (the old fashioned way) is the only way.To which my mother replied current guidelines are based on research to reduce SIDS so cannot be a bad thing.

I guess my point here is.Can I really have an anti feminist,racists science denier around my son? She is from the boomer generation but still…?Husband says he supports cutting down contact if she says things like this around him when he is older but obviously cannot completely disown his mum.In an ideal world,I would never mix with someone so ridiculous so at a loss as to how to handle it.She is also very angry she will not be assisting me with childcare when I return to work .Obviously all of the above is the reason why.Should I get DH to explain this to her?

It's not ageist to mention that a lot of people of a certain generation hold views that were acceptable, and yes racism was acceptable in certain quarters but it's certainly not now

It's the very definition of ageist actually.

Nanny0gg, with respect, I don’t think the OP was suggesting that all people of a certain age have certain views.

It was more that she was trying to show some understanding as to why her MIL might challenge her parenting. I did this with my MIL too. It helped me to understand that it wasn’t a criticism of my parenting but a throw back to their parenting experience. That doesn’t mean I assumed all people my MILs age felt the same. It helped me to not feel hurt or angry and helped me to hold my tongue in the face of her statements.

It’s a bit like if someone from Italy isn’t queuing in a line when in the UK. It is helpful to understand that this perhaps doesn’t come from a pushy, ignorant place but that the cultural norm is to queue by noticing who was there first and waiting your turn rather than being in a line formation. It doesn’t imply that all Italians do this, just that this might be the reason why this one Italian does.

It also doesn’t mean we can’t request changes in behaviour or insist on it when crucial (eg racism).

Well she's five years younger than me and I have never held those views

So she is a product of her upbringing not her generation

I agree, some of us in our 60s have been given this boomer tag/classification. Along with the name there can be ridiculous assumptions. One area centres on beliefs and prejudice and that seems weird to me. I also dislike the idea we all had money and could buy property easily, my 20s were recession years.

I never used to mind being called a boomer, as I was born in the 50s, and it seemed to mean part of an optimistic, better educated, and healthier genera4tion. It has now become shorthand for racist, narrow minded, and 'mean' , therefore an insult.

I salute your tenacity but I fear you’re wasting your breath.

I wondered this. I know plenty or boomers and none of them are like the MIL.
My ILs are older than that, and don't express such views.

• upped the ante As a PP said, she is racist and you are ageist. Call her out on every mean nasty thing she says. Educate when you feel it was unintentional. She can learn. If she wi t, then that's your answer. Her bigoted views mean more to her than her family. Just as I've corrected your phrase, you can correct her. It doesn't have to be confrontational.

I am sure that you are right.

I'm mixed race and never grew up with racism in my family, it's only now I realise how remarkable that is. (For what it's worth my last racist family member on that side was born in 1890) Most people have to navigate bigots all the time, some are overt plenty are not. My in laws have opinions that permeate lots of things, yes my kids don't have to hear things they shouldn't but what I'm saying is if we cut out bigots that would be a very very large number of people. By all means cut it down, we don't live near family so it makes things easier but it's unreasonable to expect your husband to not see his mum. There's no reason to say she's not doing childcare because of her opinions, I'm guessing you're happy with the arrangements you've made and that's your business. Give her space and knowledge to change, I think that's the best thing that can be done to achieve an anti racist world but don't think we'll ever get to that place anyway, there are just so many racists. Most of them keep their mouths shut.

Addressing original post, limit contact a bit but it’s always a good idea to realise we can’t all believe the same things. My parents had no problem with parenting styles being different but did support the Tories from the 1980s onwards having drilled into us during our 70s childhoods that Labour was the party for working people. I loathed Thatcher as did my bro.

@MockneyReject well my father would have been 100 next year and I am a boomer. I did not grow up with casual racism.

In an ideal world it is but Aibu just tends to attract certain posters, as you can see by every single race thread that has been made on here.

It’s clear OP isn’t as fluent in English but it’s clear what she meant and she apologised for her wording. Plus it’s nowhere near as bad as racism so don’t be ridiculous.

Not all of the boomer generation are racists and anti-feminist. There are plenty of racists and anti-feminists in gen x, gen z and the millennials as well.p

Yes parenting styles were different but lots of boomers have adapted to the new ways.

There was no irony there. I was responding to your off-task comment.

My parents have different views to me. I have different views to my children (dil finds my stance on trans issues very offensive). But my parents are lovely parents and I'm a big pretty good mum (even if I do say so myself), so we all tolerate the stuff we don't like so much, on account of being a family.

You can disagree with her, but keep it civil. Your child will learn that people think differently, that you can challenge opinions and sometimes the other person will think about what you say and revise their own stance. Or they might not. But if she loves your child and is a kind grandma, you don't really have the moral right to cut her off - she's your husband's mum and he turned out well enough for you to marry him, so I doubt she's going to infect your child with her opinions

This doesn’t apply to racism when she hates the very identity of her grandchild. The others are life style choices, something people choose to declare or show, race is obvious from birth

Surely you wouldn't have been so keen for them to be around your children if your children were mixed race and the following was happening in front of them?

she used a number of racial slurs Infront of my family (my parents are immigrants and my brother in law / nieces are people of colour )

The casual racism and sexism in the 70s, the TV programmes and some comedians who rode the wave were mostly down to older men, born in the 20s and 30s.
We boomers, born 1945/6 to 1960 already deprecated those attitudes when we were young, there was a lot of criticism even then about Alf Garnett, Love thy Neighbour, Bernard Manning and so on. But their audience was the older generation (boomers' parents).
We had Peace and Love! We were peace and love. We watched Top of the Pops, Ready Steady Go, Danger Man and The Prisoner. I detested Alf Garnett.
As a teenager in the 60s I had a real feeling the world was changing for the better. I was an early feminist and still am, of course. Many younger women don't see the need for feminism any longer but we still have a long way to go in the fight against sexism, sadly.
Then along came Margaret Thatcher who was definitely not a boomer, or a feminist. I think she and her ideologies and policies reinforced the destructive 'me first' attitudes still so prevalent today.

I agree with the people saying that your MIL is not likely to influence your children's views but if she was openly racist to guests I wouldn't expose them to her further and would be restricting socialising with her.

Are you seriously telling OP to keep it civil when MIL is the racist and sexist? Don’t be so patronising. It’s clear where your sympathies lie.

Of course she has the moral right to cut off a racist cunt.

It's unbelievable isn't it? And so disappointing.

'Off task'? Are you a teacher?!

My comment was related to the fact that every generation will look back on something and feel ashamed about it or, crucially, be judged by another generation for it. You mentioned 'black face' so I drew a parallel to 'woman face' (not saying that they are the same btw).
This current manifestation of misogyny is the worst I have ever known and one day others will look back and ask how it could have happened. After all it is completely bonkers to deny that biological sex is immutable and fixed at conception, no?

So not really 'off task' miss. 😂

You do know that Alf Garnett was written to expose those views, not to promote them?

I do understand many missed that point and agreed with him but that wasn't why he was written