Bye bye bigot MIL

[222333Annie]

My MIL has always had questionable views on things but I’ve always for the most part not engaged with her as she is the kind of idiot it’s impossible to reason with.

now I have a DS (10 months) .On Xmas day, she said most disgraced celebs are innocent and women “put themselves into these situations” she used a number of racial slurs Infront of my family (my parents are immigrants and my brother in law / nieces are people of colour )

she then proceeded to tell me I read “ too much science ” when raising my son and her way (the old fashioned way) is the only way.To which my mother replied current guidelines are based on research to reduce SIDS so cannot be a bad thing.

I guess my point here is.Can I really have an anti feminist,racists science denier around my son? She is from the boomer generation but still…?Husband says he supports cutting down contact if she says things like this around him when he is older but obviously cannot completely disown his mum.In an ideal world,I would never mix with someone so ridiculous so at a loss as to how to handle it.She is also very angry she will not be assisting me with childcare when I return to work .Obviously all of the above is the reason why.Should I get DH to explain this to her?

No that’s fine I could be off here or she could ? I’m not sure of her age I just thought that’s how old she was I’ll ask my husband all I know is she refers to herself as a baby boomer

She doesn’t like people who aren’t white Op, she doesn’t even like her son being with you so she’s faked it thinking it wasn’t gonna last and now there’s a baby and proper commitment, it’s impossible for her to not show her true colours. You are way nicer than me, like I would have kicked off if she said anything about my family. I feel sorry for you and your son. But at least you can escape it, your son is lumbered with a racist nana

Its sad that she seems to hate you @222333Annie I'm wondering if she's jealous, now that your little one is here and you're building a family of your own. I'm not excusing her by the way. It sounds like you're doing your best to manage this situation. Totally understand that you want to flee from this. Good luck on talking to her.

OP, face facts.
You cannot reasonably have NO contact with her.
If she would otherwise be a good grandparent you should foster your son's relationship with her and educate your son that granny has some outdated views.
Your dh presumably loves his mother, too.
Again, you should facilitate that.

But you have as little to do with her as possible. Low contact.

The idea you're going to love your mil as a matter of course is bullshit. Some do most, don't.

I mean this well but you have to compromise.

That's what I've done.

White privilege means that you experience benefits compared to a non-white person in an identical situation.

White privilege does not and has never meant "all white people automatically have it easier than all non-white people." That's ignorance of what the phrase means.

I'll never forget reading a comment on here saying, "white privilege doesn't exist because an upper class black boy from a wealthy, uni-educated family would have an easier time than a working class white boy who grew up in care." That's not what white privilege is. White privilege is looking at the difference between two upper class wealthy boys (one white and one black) or two working class care leavers (one white and one black).

For example, I'm Jewish and biracial but I have white skin. I experience racism due to being Jewish. I have white privilege because I very obviously get treated very differently from black Jews, who have to experience both antisemitism and anti-black racism.

She is from the boomer generation but still…?

Sounds like you have a few 'bigoted' views too OP.

Oh sorry and also she was not bringing up my DH in the 70s he’d be way older than me if that was the case someone used the 70s as an example that’s why I just referenced it but she was a teenager at that time .Hubs says she was born 1958 which according to the internet is a baby boomer

How can a racist be a good nana to a child who is half of an ethnic background that they’re openly prejudiced towards?

OP should facilitate her husband and son having contact with a racist grandmother? What planet are you on? Planet white?

222333Annie

No that’s fine I could be off here or she could ? I’m not sure of her age I just thought that’s how old she was I’ll ask my husband

It's a difficult question to ask sometimes, isn't it? Especially of someone older than you.
But, presumably, you know your DH's age, so you could work out if she was bringing him up in the 70s, 80s or even 90s (all possible if she is around 65).
Anyway! I don't mean to derail, but it did pique my curiosity.

It’s quite clear what Op meant, and she’s since apologised, stop it now

Think about everything you had to face. Then think about how much harder it would have been if you had been born black and had to go through every day wondering how many times the colour of your skin was going to matter that day. How many times you would be passed over, or denied an opportunity because someone made an assumption based entirely on the colour of your skin. That high unemployment you talk about would have meant that you were twice as likely to remain unemployed as the average white person. I suspect you know exactly what white privilege means, but admitting it also means admitting you have it.

I don't agree that all white people have this sort of privilege actually.
The general Irish population yes, now they do, but what about Irish Travellers?
They are one of the most marginalised and discriminated against groups in society. They suffer racism even though their skin is white, just the sort of things you describe, every day.

Look them up if you're not familiar with their situation.

Her husband is a grown man. He doesn’t need the OP “facilitating” anything 🙄.

And he isn't racist despite growing up with a racist mother, so it’s perfectly reasonable to consider the child will be fine with being around her from time to time.

Yes, that's what I thought.
Although, sometimes DHs can be older.
But you did say:

guidelines etc were the same in the 70s and it’s ageist to say she doesn’t understand as she hasn’t had children since then ?

Maybe I'm not understanding properly (it's certainly been known!).

No - WickDittington is correct here.

It's always ok to be ageist on here about teens/ young adults.. but my god don't you know it if it's about older people.

Not just Irish travellers, either. I've worked with Romani clients who were subjected to awful harrassment when they moved into a house.

It was only a year or two ago that a London borough council was told it couldn't ban travellers as a group from some public open space because it discriminated against a whole group.

Literally. They freak out over the mention of “boomer” which is what the generation is called saying it has negative connotations but they’re nowhere to be seen when older people are slating “gen z” and that’s perfectly fine to them

She’s already said she said 70s by accident. So yes you’re misunderstanding. And the 80s weren’t that different with dr spock etc anyway.

Actually a lot of them were. Especially the ones about women "asking for it". Sexual harassment was considered utterly normal and sexual assault was only really a crime if a woman was beyond reproach (being beyond reproach depended a lot on who you were, who you'd slept with, what you wore, how much you'd drunk, where you were, what you were doing- and on and on).

Each generation parents differently. Not everything in the past is bad and not everything now is good. Things change and evolve. Your son will be a different parent than you in years to come.

Your thread title indicates that you want to see the back of her. Do you think that would damage your relationship with DH? Your child may want to know that he has a grandparent he doesn’t see.

Then try harder. Because other ‘isms’ can’t begin to compare with the injustices happening to black people every single day, in a society constructed by white people, solely because of the colour of their skin.

I mean I did write that in the title which is misleading but no I would prefer limiting contact if she carries on so my husband can’t say I’m the reason they don’t speak although they have gone periods with not speaking before I knew him due to her behaviour