Bye bye bigot MIL

[222333Annie]

My MIL has always had questionable views on things but I’ve always for the most part not engaged with her as she is the kind of idiot it’s impossible to reason with.

now I have a DS (10 months) .On Xmas day, she said most disgraced celebs are innocent and women “put themselves into these situations” she used a number of racial slurs Infront of my family (my parents are immigrants and my brother in law / nieces are people of colour )

she then proceeded to tell me I read “ too much science ” when raising my son and her way (the old fashioned way) is the only way.To which my mother replied current guidelines are based on research to reduce SIDS so cannot be a bad thing.

I guess my point here is.Can I really have an anti feminist,racists science denier around my son? She is from the boomer generation but still…?Husband says he supports cutting down contact if she says things like this around him when he is older but obviously cannot completely disown his mum.In an ideal world,I would never mix with someone so ridiculous so at a loss as to how to handle it.She is also very angry she will not be assisting me with childcare when I return to work .Obviously all of the above is the reason why.Should I get DH to explain this to her?

Except that the baby boom generation were leaders in trying to slough away bigotry. You have a lot to thank us for - maternity leave, equal pay legislation, anti- discrimination legislation and so on.

Was you MiL born before 1960? That’s the general understanding of “baby boomer”. After that, she’s a Thatcher’s child.

And i wouldn’t put about race on aibu either, try the black mumsnetter or south Asian boards instead

Sadly you may be right before I just thought they were not PC which I could have dealt with but now I can see downright hateful the nan is the same super mean

There's also a massive difference between debating, say, whether the moon landings actually occurred, or whether social media encourages narcissism, and debating whether people of XYZ racial background are worthy of being treated with respect in front of those people. Which is, I gather, where MIL made her racist comments.
OP at the very least I think you need to tell DH that MIL will never again be invited to family gatherings with your side of the family, as she has shown she cannot be trusted to behave appropriately around them. If that means she misses Christmas or birthday parties- oh well.

well, you can't please everybody, as I'm about to demonstrate, as an Irish person whose ancestors literally survived a famine, I'm not keen on the phrase ''white privilege''! But, this is exhausting! There was another thread on here yesterday, very interesting about how all of mumsnet's problems could be solved by simply not being offended, and that is true (but hard)

My Spanish school friend agrees, she is living in Spain again now and her mil is still quite damaged by the franco era. Fears for them owning a dog (dogs bark, dogs can't be ordered to fear Franco) and she now lives in a tiny flat in the centre of the city where she feels much safer than where she hid out rurally for decades. So, tbh, the notion of white privilege is also a mostly American concept. Even the British who were responsible for the problems in Ireland for centuries, it's not like the average white British person was benefiting from that ! most were dirt poor too, most didn't even have a vote, most probably hadn't a clue that their food was cheaper than market value because a neighbour country was being plundered like a resource. So, with that said, namaste! I know that no offence was meant, and none is taken honestly, but everybody reacts slightly differently even to terms that are mainstream. I'm gen x and I await the day that genexxers are lambasted online for being dumb/resistance to change! It's going to happen. Cycle of life.

Ps just because I don't fully and automatically subscribe to the idea of white privilege doesn't mean I think that racism doesn't exist.

My xmil wouldn't have believed in any information that was on google. She would have known better. What @MrsTerryPratchett says is true, you do marry into a whole family. I was this boundaryless creature who only grew a backbone finally when I had to defend myself on some really important matters. I'd always said 'oh, ok'' before that. I almost feel sorry for my xmil looking back. She thought I was a wet lettuce, how could she have known I'd stand up to her.

So true.

And then they wonder why minorities stick to their own kind.

You clearly don’t understand what ‘white privilege’ means @ChanelNo19EDT . Google it.

I understand it to mean that all white people have automatically benefitted off the backs of black people and that is simply not true for ''all white people''. I do not have white privilege.

And the question is, how did she become a racist ? And to a certain extent that is determined by when she was born. Her generation were exposed to casual racism/homophobia/sexism almost as the norm. It was across broadcasting, the press, movies of the day, and it was rife in advertising - you couldn’t even buy a bloody jar of marmalade without racist imagery right there on the jar, and in by-products aimed at children, and it engendered unconscious/casual racism that in a lot of older people still exists today. Just because it’s unpalatable doesn’t make it any less a fact.

She calls herself a baby boomer to me all the time I think she’s 65 to be honest

This thread is ridiculous.

Op your MIL is sexist and racist. I would go low contact with her and never let her help with childcare. I would also keep your family and your nieces away from her.

I would hand this off to your dh to deal with if she starts kicking off. Fortunately he doesn't seem to share her views.

All white people have white privilege. You were born into a society constructed for the benefit of, and dominated by white people and you benefit from that every day by virtue of the fact that in your everyday life you don’t have to worry about the colour of your skin being a barrier to the way you live your life or to your life choices.

Did you know your mother in law was racist before you had a kid with her son?

It can mean that, but perhaps not so directly as you're thinking.
It may make more sense to think about the disadvantages you don't have, rather than advantages you have, if that makes sense.
Eg you still had to work bloody hard to find a job, but you didn't get rejected from jobs cos you weren't white. Or you had to scrimp and save to pay your mortgage, but the bank didn't refuse you a loan because 'people like you' might default. If your schooling was in your home language and your teachers and admin staff had similar cultural background to you, you were spared a lot of extra effort and a lot of misunderstandings. It's not that school or work or buying a house were easy because you're white... it's that black & brown people face all the obstacles you do and then some. Not dealing with those extra obstacles - not even seeing them or knowing they exist - that's white privilege.

What’s that got to do with anything ? Are you suggesting she shouldn’t have married her DH and had a child because his mum is a racist ?

Your child has a lifetime ahead of him being exposed to viewpoints he and you will not agree with. Are you going to remove him from all of them?

Teach him to think for himself. He'll then work out what grandma is like. You are the biggest influence in his life, he's not going to turn into her.

If she is essentially a loving grandmother, focus on that and get a sense of perspective.

You could well need her support one day.

Prepare yourself for being in the same position in 30 years and think how you'd feel. You may think it impossible that your future grandchildren will disagree with your views but I promise you they will.

I don't disagree with that @Rosscameasdoody but where it starts to feel complicated for me is when issues of sexism, ageism, dis/abelism and classism become a barrier to how I live my life. When these things dominate my existence, its hard to see the opportunities my skin colour provide. This isn't to say I don't agree with the notion of WP; its just hard to see it when you're striving to be included in society due to other isms.

It’s not her fault in the slightest but Absolutely you’re right, I’m Asian and have had my fair share of racist families I would never raise my children with them. The MIL is depriving the child of a decent accepting grandmother. So I was wondering if OP’s MIL was racist before or showed her true colours after the baby was born while pretending to accept OP. I’ve had both experiences myself

In Ireland, in 1993, I did not have white privilege. Look, I'm not going to die on this hill, but I'm pointing out that it's a piece of terminology that grates on me. This automatic assumption that I'm expected to accept; that I had privilege. Maybe I did maybe I didn't but I faced a lot of hurdles that a lot of black people may have faced and may not have faced. Carry on wandering around talking about ''white privilege'' if you want to but vast swathes of Europeans my age are going to remember times when getting a job that paid even minimum wage through the books was not a given. There was high unemployment.

No she said a couple things they were not pc and I corrected her politely and that seemed to be the end of it but since having my son she’s really upped the anti I’m starting to think she doesn’t like him being with my family often so she makes these remarks ? Like any excuse to say my parents are lesser there for not as worthy of my sons time and race just seems to be one of the cards she’s playing ?Not sure tbh but if I had known it was this bad I would have still married my lovely DH but would have set clear boundaries straight out the gate

Baby boomers were born between 1946 and 1964. Thatchers child refers to the 1980s.

I will read up on this for sure I’m always open to learning about peoples experiences and no one can say they know all of these things and are in no way ignorant it’s impossible .

And she's 65?

Sorry this is going to sound nit-picky, but I only read the 1st three pages fully, then just read your comments, OP, so seeing all your comments close together made me wonder:
if she was bringing your DH up in the 70s she'd have only been 21 if she had him as late as 1979 and, tbf, that would have meant he was actually brought up in the 80s and early 90s. And your DH is presumably, at least 44. I mean, fair enough if he is, my father was in his 50s when I was born.
If anything, your MiL - being only 12 in 1970 - would been partially brought up in 70s herself.

None of that, obviously, means it's okay to say the things she did.

Edited as a typo meant I was aging the OP's DH.

I know they will and the guidlines for baby safety will be different but I just feel she really hates me at the moment and obviously that makes the person receiving it naturally want to flee we will both try talking to her but if no progress then it’ll be limited