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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Bye bye bigot MIL

559 replies

222333Annie · 29/12/2023 03:44

My MIL has always had questionable views on things but I’ve always for the most part not engaged with her as she is the kind of idiot it’s impossible to reason with.

now I have a DS (10 months) .On Xmas day, she said most disgraced celebs are innocent and women “put themselves into these situations” she used a number of racial slurs Infront of my family (my parents are immigrants and my brother in law / nieces are people of colour )

she then proceeded to tell me I read “ too much science ” when raising my son and her way (the old fashioned way) is the only way.To which my mother replied current guidelines are based on research to reduce SIDS so cannot be a bad thing.

I guess my point here is.Can I really have an anti feminist,racists science denier around my son? She is from the boomer generation but still…?Husband says he supports cutting down contact if she says things like this around him when he is older but obviously cannot completely disown his mum.In an ideal world,I would never mix with someone so ridiculous so at a loss as to how to handle it.She is also very angry she will not be assisting me with childcare when I return to work .Obviously all of the above is the reason why.Should I get DH to explain this to her?

OP posts:
Zarah123 · 29/12/2023 08:43

HulaChick · 29/12/2023 08:29

Why can't you use her views for a good debate? So many people seem to have lost the art of debate these days. I remember many fantastically juicy debates around our table growing up (with extended family too and cross generational) where everyone had their say, or challenged others' viewpoints about all sorts of subjects. Alot of it completely politically incorrect (these days) and it often got heated bit there was never ever the slightest thought of going "non contact" with any of each other as we were family and (in the case of differing p.o.v.) that trumped everything!

Your son will be exposed to all manner of different attitudes etc when he grows up, teach him how to debate, challenge & put forward his own p.o.v.

Tell me you’re white without telling me you’re white.

For some of us, racism isn’t a ‘juicy’ debate, it’s our lived reality. It affects our self-esteem, our sense of worth, and contributes to a feeling that we don’t belong anywhere. I don’t want to talk to racists, I just want them to stay the fuck away from me.

Birch101 · 29/12/2023 08:45

God she sounds vile and I would challenge her on everything. Personally I would not leave my child with her alone at all as she would not respect your parenting decisions e.g. rear facing car seats, food choices, language

I understand your partner can not cut her out completely but there is no need to mix families and subject people to her. I would make it clear to my partner that we will visit as a family to her house only and leave within a short amount of time and even in reaction to vitriol.

Make it very clear that when it comes to your child's birthday parties and family gathering she will not be invited unless she holds her tongue, or you will hold every major family event in a gay cabaret bar.

Karwomannghia · 29/12/2023 08:45

222333Annie · 29/12/2023 08:34

I mean the but still implies the excuse I’ve tried to give her isn’t really an excuse coz everyone should know better

I knew what you meant but I’m saying they’re not going to accept anything you say now. Most people on this thread agree with you and have experienced similar.

NotBadConsidering · 29/12/2023 08:46

Beautyfadesdumbisforever · 29/12/2023 08:26

Just a thought. She is clearly awful and always has been but she raised the man that fathered your child.
You fell in love with him and he can’t hold these views or you wouldn’t be with him.
so it she had all of those years to indoctrinate him and didn’t your child will have very limited time with her they will grow up just fine.
wether you want to put up with that in your life is a different question.

Great point @Beautyfadesdumbisforever

Dibblydoodahdah · 29/12/2023 08:46

Puppylucky · 29/12/2023 08:29

Love this @MrsTerryPratchett !

It’s a ridiculous comment. My own father has got much worse as he’s got older as far as racist, sexist, homophobic
and classist comments go. He literally has no filter now and won’t listen to alternative view points. He tells me to “shush” or more recently to “shut up”. He never did that when I was younger.

My FIL made sexist comments before I married DH. I still chose to
marry DH because I could see that he was the total opposite to FIL. I have been proved right as DH has done everything to support my career despite his dad thinking that mums should stay at home and look after their children.

Anonymouseposter · 29/12/2023 08:48

My mother was born in 1920 and I was born early 1950s. We cut her some slack in her views when she was with her GREAT grandchildren as life had changed so much. Attitudes haven't changed quite so much for "boomers"-yes, we were advised to wean children earlier and differently but should be able to understand that new research has indicated a different approach is better. There really isn't an excuse for racism and rudeness to guests. Having said that your child is very unlikely to be influenced by her, parents and, later, peers will be much stronger influences. You may not choose her for childcare but, as long as she's kind to your children I don't think they will be harmed by contact with her. My adult children spent a lot of time with my mother and their outlook on life is entirely different from hers.

sleepyscientist · 29/12/2023 08:49

Everyone has an opinion OP and science is simply an opinion back by evidence. We are scientists and chose to raise DS how we interpreted the evidence he was weaned at 4 months with iron supplements instead of 6 months as it worked best for us and our family history. 6 months includes the developing world. I also made up bottles in advance, put him in his room at 3 months and turned him forward facing early as the risk of distraction from the screaming out weighed the benefit. He's 10 now!

With regards to racism is she out right racist or just says things that aren't PC anymore? Maybe sit down and say as much as you want her involved you don't want DS hearing these views, maybe reach a compromise of you can help with childcare in 6 months when you stop saying this. DS will grow up to ignore her bonkers stories

222333Annie · 29/12/2023 08:50

She seems to look down on my family and has to always assert the fact they are not working class like us and she’s been quite rude to them afew times .They’ve just ignored even other members of her family say she’s a nightmare but whenever we try to tell her she responds with this whole family make me feel like I can’t speak etc and just kinda turns it round

OP posts:
greglet · 29/12/2023 08:51

@222333Annie ignore the people having a go at you for use of the term 'boomer'. I totally agree that parenting styles have changed - I have an 18 month old and my mum has always fretted about him being too cold at night because I follow safe sleep guidelines whereas when I was a baby, I was put to bed on my side with about four million blankets on me 😂

If I were you, I would withdraw from contact with your MIL and let any contact she has with DC be facilitated by/through your DH. You're not preventing her from seeing her grandchild but you're not enabling it, either. If she calls you out on it then you/DH can explain why. As DC get older, I wouldn't be afraid to challenge her on her views in front of DC, either!

101Nutella · 29/12/2023 08:52

Classic. Lack of accountability, emotionally immature. Mud slinging.
hold your line.

Rosscameasdoody · 29/12/2023 08:54

Brefugee · 29/12/2023 08:35

maybe in your family - not in mine. We didn't have those dolls. I was given a collection of the Robertsons jam figurines. I had no idea they were racist until a neighbour told me. Then we binned them.

There is no defence of racism and homophobia. It wasn't a universal experience in the 70s.

There is no defence of racism and homophobia. It wasn't a universal experience in the 70s.

You only have to look at some of the prime time TV programming of the time to know that this just isn’t true. Til death do us part, love thy neighbour, the black and white minstrel show, and many more of what passed as comedy/light entertainment shows of the time will never see the light of day again because of their racist/sexist/homophobic content. Same for the likes of stand up comedian acts of the day such as Bernard Manning and Bob Monkhouse. It might be uncomfortable to admit, but casual racism was everywhere.

222333Annie · 29/12/2023 08:55

I can’t say it on here but it’s very bad not just a mistake like I made earlier

OP posts:
EmmaOvary · 29/12/2023 08:55

No, you don’t need to have your kids exposed to this bigoted nonsense. Your kids, your boundaries.

HulaChick · 29/12/2023 08:56

Zarah123 · 29/12/2023 08:43

Tell me you’re white without telling me you’re white.

For some of us, racism isn’t a ‘juicy’ debate, it’s our lived reality. It affects our self-esteem, our sense of worth, and contributes to a feeling that we don’t belong anywhere. I don’t want to talk to racists, I just want them to stay the fuck away from me.

I wasn't referring only to racism but to many, many different topics. My point was, there were opposing views and we would pull-up / challenge the views of whoever may have made an inflammatory remark. Rather than having a major fallout we were capable of discussing it (as,said, often extremely heatedly but not throwing insults at each other) but without resorting to going 'no contact'. Also,my being white has nothing to do with it, as prejudice in any guise would be pulled up but our debates weren't centred on racism but lots of hot topics.

Kwasi · 29/12/2023 08:58

FIL and SMIL are a particular religion. They generally believe that homosexuality is akin to paedophilia. You simply cannot reason with them.

Brefugee · 29/12/2023 08:58

Rosscameasdoody · 29/12/2023 08:54

There is no defence of racism and homophobia. It wasn't a universal experience in the 70s.

You only have to look at some of the prime time TV programming of the time to know that this just isn’t true. Til death do us part, love thy neighbour, the black and white minstrel show, and many more of what passed as comedy/light entertainment shows of the time will never see the light of day again because of their racist/sexist/homophobic content. Same for the likes of stand up comedian acts of the day such as Bernard Manning and Bob Monkhouse. It might be uncomfortable to admit, but casual racism was everywhere.

bloody norah, i don't know how many times some of us need to say it: yes, of course there was institutional racism. We didn't take part in it as far as it was possible to avoid (my grandad worked in a factory with people mostly from Pakistan - he would always switch off the racist shit when it came on because he knew from them how damaging it was.)

My family, and other families i knew didn't partake in Sexism and Racism and Homophobia in the 70s or at any other time. Any unconscious or unknowing -isms were apologised for if/when it was brought up. We KNEW (because we had first hand experience) how bad policing was in terms of treatment of women and our black relatives and friends. And that is why we went to Rock against Racism and so on.

Again: it wasn't a universal experience, and where it occurred there were those of us calling it out. And it is frankly insulting for the posters who are implying it was.

CaptainMyCaptain · 29/12/2023 09:00

Rosscameasdoody · 29/12/2023 08:54

There is no defence of racism and homophobia. It wasn't a universal experience in the 70s.

You only have to look at some of the prime time TV programming of the time to know that this just isn’t true. Til death do us part, love thy neighbour, the black and white minstrel show, and many more of what passed as comedy/light entertainment shows of the time will never see the light of day again because of their racist/sexist/homophobic content. Same for the likes of stand up comedian acts of the day such as Bernard Manning and Bob Monkhouse. It might be uncomfortable to admit, but casual racism was everywhere.

Yes there was that kind of thing on TV and I, personally, didn't like it then. Some people accepted it at the time but have since changed their view and are shocked by it - you don't have to stay stuck in an era 40 or 50 years ago that's the point. |Most people carry on living and learning and evolving and there's no excuse not to.

AppleChristsBirthdayMacchiato · 29/12/2023 09:02

Typical Mumsnet.

Calling someone n**er: perfectly fine, just an opinion, everyone's entitled to an opinion, black people need to stop being so oversensitive and stop "playing the race card" because racism doesn't exist in this country, critical race theory is just an American thing.

Calling someone boomer: the worst bigotry and hatred the world has ever seen, middle aged white people are the single most oppressed people on earth.

222333Annie · 29/12/2023 09:03

@AppleChristsBirthdayMacchiato and what you said in your first line was not too disimilar to what my family and I had to hear so you are 100% right this whole things screams white privilege

OP posts:
Flowers4me · 29/12/2023 09:05

222333Annie · 29/12/2023 08:50

She seems to look down on my family and has to always assert the fact they are not working class like us and she’s been quite rude to them afew times .They’ve just ignored even other members of her family say she’s a nightmare but whenever we try to tell her she responds with this whole family make me feel like I can’t speak etc and just kinda turns it round

Oh, she sounds immature that she's throwing it back on you. I am curious as to what her upbringing was like; wonder if there are issues there? Anyhow, I'm digressing; some people have very bigoted views on everything. Is there anyone she's close to as maybe that's the way in; in a trusted relationship she might open up and there may be an opportunity to understand her more. If everyone is challenging her I wouldn't be surprised if she reacts like "whole family make me feel" etc. Its difficult OP; try and keep to your boundaries and enjoy your little one. If its any consolation, we have a relative like yours and my children have not been poisoned by their views. As another poster said, their peers have influenced them the most.

Soontobe60 · 29/12/2023 09:07

222333Annie · 29/12/2023 04:15

Oh sorry that was not meant to be offence ! I mean her generation had a completely different set of parenting guidelines so I can see how she struggles watching the things we do

I am a grandparent, born in the late 50’s so brought up under different guidance. However, as I am intelligent, can listen to / read current advice regarding child rearing etc I am able to make informed choices as to how I take care of my grandchildren.
My DD, mother of grandchildren, often phones myself and her MIL to ask for advice - she knows we have raised our own children well and is able to accept our advice and support. My experience and that of my friends who are grandparents is similar. Our children look to us for advice and support - they don’t dismiss us because we happen to have been born in the mid 20th century!

LakieLady · 29/12/2023 09:11

NotObligedToArgueWithStrangers · 29/12/2023 08:04

I think you're getting an unnecessarily hard time on here. It's not ageism to say that different generations had different ideas and attitudes, it's a fact. People will continue to insist on being offended though. With MIL just call her out on it, every single time. She'll either rethink herself, learn to keep it to herself or shout louder. If it's the latter then you can reduce contact and it shouldn't come as a surprise to her if she's any common sense at all.

But there are significant differences within generations, as well as between them. Treating any group with a given characteristic as homogenous and "other" is discriminatory, whether it's an age group, an ethnic group or people with disabilities.

OP's MIL has racist views because she's a racist, not because of when she was born.

toomuchfaff · 29/12/2023 09:12

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/12/2023 04:10

You met, dated, married and got pregnant with a man whose mother was like this. Now you want to cut her out. Now there's a baby who won't get a grandmother.

IME you marry a family as well as a man. She got an ageist DIL, you got a racist MIL. No one won the lottery. Have good boundaries, parent your own way, but this is your DH's mum and your child's GM. You chose him with his family.

People grow up without Grandparents all the time. Mine; GM were both dead by time I was 8, GD both dead before I was born (WW2)... Your reasoning is a bit off...

If the grandparent was a bit touchy with the kids (pedo Pete type) or a raging maniac (Ted Bundy type), would the same go? Carry on and keep them in contact with the children, after all they're "family", can't stop the GP seeing the kids or have the child with no GP even if they are a registered sex offender or murderer.. of course not! Utter BS.

There are reasons why you cut people, many reasons... what OP has to decide is whether the MIL influence is acceptablor to their views or manageable. Regardless if you married into the family or not, and GM either adheres the boundaries or doesn't.

222333Annie · 29/12/2023 09:14

I understand that I get a lot of advice from my mum who is actually older than her .Its not the advice it’s the way she disregards all I am doing which is not to with age but I thought maybe coz she did it so differently in her time and just her own personal views are so different to mine maybe it was just to opposite for her to accept that’s all I was getting at.my mum know many more traditional things to do with babies(from our home Country ) that have saved my butt a few times no disrespect to all the lovely mothers who came before us

OP posts:
Libertyy · 29/12/2023 09:14

Never date a white person that has a racist family. This is where a lot of Asians/black people go wrong