Bye bye bigot MIL

[222333Annie]

My MIL has always had questionable views on things but I’ve always for the most part not engaged with her as she is the kind of idiot it’s impossible to reason with.

now I have a DS (10 months) .On Xmas day, she said most disgraced celebs are innocent and women “put themselves into these situations” she used a number of racial slurs Infront of my family (my parents are immigrants and my brother in law / nieces are people of colour )

she then proceeded to tell me I read “ too much science ” when raising my son and her way (the old fashioned way) is the only way.To which my mother replied current guidelines are based on research to reduce SIDS so cannot be a bad thing.

I guess my point here is.Can I really have an anti feminist,racists science denier around my son? She is from the boomer generation but still…?Husband says he supports cutting down contact if she says things like this around him when he is older but obviously cannot completely disown his mum.In an ideal world,I would never mix with someone so ridiculous so at a loss as to how to handle it.She is also very angry she will not be assisting me with childcare when I return to work .Obviously all of the above is the reason why.Should I get DH to explain this to her?

Love this @MrsTerryPratchett !

Why can't you use her views for a good debate? So many people seem to have lost the art of debate these days. I remember many fantastically juicy debates around our table growing up (with extended family too and cross generational) where everyone had their say, or challenged others' viewpoints about all sorts of subjects. Alot of it completely politically incorrect (these days) and it often got heated bit there was never ever the slightest thought of going "non contact" with any of each other as we were family and (in the case of differing p.o.v.) that trumped everything!

Your son will be exposed to all manner of different attitudes etc when he grows up, teach him how to debate, challenge & put forward his own p.o.v.

It was a genuine question - it's too early for banter. I thought boomers were born immediately postwar but this woman was born in 1958 so I wouldn't say she is one. So now I'm not sure if I am one.

aGAIN did I once say everyone from that generation is racists no so ready the thread although it’s long sorry

I've always been an advocate of you can control your own behaviour but not other peoples. For example, if you are at MILs house and she makes these comments, it wouldn't be appropriate to call her out in her own home. However, you have the control over your own behaviour, such as leaving and choosing not to visit.

It’s the ‘but still’ that has made the boomers angry and they can’t see past that.
i knew millennials is quite often seen as offensive because of how often they’re accused of being work shy and self obsessed but I guess being called a boomer is offensive too.

i would minimise the influence she has on you and your kids without making a big break up. Mine have learned to not argue back because her arguments don’t make any sense but let mil comments float into the ether and then change topic.

Ugh some idiots on this thread!

I think it sounds like the MIL knows what's shes doing when she used racist language towards a child. She doesn't want debate she wants to be nasty. And that is something that won't change.

I like debates but what she said isn’t uk for debate coz it’s hateful and nonsensical

This thread, with all the touchy boomers behaving like snowflakes, is the gift that keeps on giving. The irony...!

OP, I'd encourage you to ignore all the people baiting you and wilfully pulling your every comment apart in order to detail the thread. And no need to apologise - those of us with an ounce of common sense know exactly what you are talking about.

I have very similar in-laws and a very similarly embarrassed husband whose views could not be more diametrically opposed. So it is possible to be raised by, or in close contact with, racists, and grow up not to be one. If it's any consolation, our children find their grandparent's views wholly objectionable and, if anything, this is one of our family's unifying points.

However, if your MIL is stupid enough to use racial slurs in front of your family and upset them, I think your husband ought to speak to her and explain that this is not acceptable and will not be tolerated. You won't change her views, I don't think, but you can certainly lay out some hard expectations on her behaviour around you and your family. I'd be more concerned about that than about her possible influence on your child.

I mean the but still implies the excuse I’ve tried to give her isn’t really an excuse coz everyone should know better

This is pretty offensive OP. I'm a boomer and so white I'm blue but I hold none of the views you describe your MIL as having so maybe you are more like her than you think?

maybe in your family - not in mine. We didn't have those dolls. I was given a collection of the Robertsons jam figurines. I had no idea they were racist until a neighbour told me. Then we binned them.

There is no defence of racism and homophobia. It wasn't a universal experience in the 70s.

I’ve already explained 17374774 times what I meant I don’t think she’s racist coz of her age or all people her age have bad views not like her you’re ridiculous

OP, I would just stop responding to the comments about age, you didn't say anything offensive. It's very common for that generation to have completely different views and unfortunately they grew up in a time when racism and homophobia was openly spoken with little resistance. I'm sure they used to feel the same about their parents and grandparents about other types of issues.

R.e. the issues around parenting, sleep safety, feeding etc. She is being defensive. She takes you doing things differently as though she is being told she did it all wrong. So on those points I think you can shrug it off and carry on but I agree about not letting her do any childcare for you.

Dont apologise people are trying to distract from real problems, almost feels like they are trying to defend racism. I am shocked myself.

• Lost Generation — 1883-1900
• Greatest Generation — 1901-1927
• Silent Generation — 1928-1945
• Boomers — 1946-1964
• Generation X — 1965 - 1980
• Millennials — 1981-1996
• Generation Z — 1997-2012
• Generation Alpha — 2013 - present

And once again the ‘if I haven’t experienced it, it doesn’t exist’ argument comes up. Boomers are born between 1949 and 1964. Casual racism exists in the various age groups - let’s not pretend otherwise. Trying to pin the blame on the OP for her MIL’s views won’t change that.

This thread, with all the touchy boomers behaving like snowflakes, is the gift that keeps on giving. The irony...!

It's hilarious isn't it. Boomers are certainly the most easily triggered generation if this thread is anything to go by.

OP, all your instincts are quite right. Your MIL's views are nasty and toxic, and you shouldn't expose your children to them. As you say, hatefulness is not up for debate. I would refuse to have her in my life.

You don't say if you call her out on her unacceptable racist/misogynistic/homophobic speech. I would suggest you do that, as many of us have all our lives. It's how you get things to change.

You're welcome.

A Boomer.

Politely call her out on her views every single time they are expressed around your son. Your husband needs to do the same. My own mother was similar to your MIL, she soon got the message to keep her offensive views to herself. I don't think it changed how she thinks but my children are not exposed to her diatribe.

Presumably you DH who was raised by your MiL has not inherited her bigoted views otherwise you would not be with him? So looking at it logically why do you consider her such a threat to your child?

Is her bigotry etc a new development if so she may have the beginnings of dementia- FTD can give rise to some very odd views on life.

I would speak to her. Tell her that you want her to be a part of your childs life but that she will need to reign in the racism/ homophobia etc if she wants to have any kind of meaningful relationship with with your DC.

As someone else said here, what kind of example is it if you just cancel someone in your family that says things you don't agree with.

I'd also like to add, re the sexist shit she was spouting, that the 2nd wavers really took that on board and we can mostly thank them (the 68ers, the Boomers etc) for progress on that.

Which, by the way, still hasn't gone, so post-Boomer generations (including mine) can roll their eyes at that.

But the discussion about OPs casual ageism is a really good illustration of the point that people should be careful how they use their words. And if they do an -ism (or a -phobia) the correct response is a proper apology and move on.

But i also think there is room on mn for a discussion about some of the utterly vile ageism that gets thrown around.

I’m a boomer. You’ve never heard of Anne Diamond I expect OP

Its not about age; there are bigots in every generation. I am wondering what her relationship is like with others in your family - is she like this with everyone else or just you? If it is just you then perhaps ask yourself why - is it that you two just don't get on and she gets a kick out of upsetting you or is it connected to you being married to her son. Or is she jealous of you? (Sorry if you've already answered this earlier in the thread; I haven't the time to read every post.)

It is difficult having someone with bigoted views in the family and you have my sympathy. What I did was to challenge my bigoted relative (in a gentle way) explaining why I found their comments upsetting. I've said it a few times now and its taking time but they're becoming not so offensive to my face. Until then I wasn't used to asserting myself and I wonder if that was an element in my relative thinking they could say whatever they liked to me. Now I'm finding it easier and things are changing. I feel less bullied.

PS: I think its worth trying to maintain contact for your child's sake. My mum went LC with her family which resulted in me not having a relationship with my grandmother. My GM died many years ago but its a loss I still live with.