Bye bye bigot MIL

[222333Annie]

My MIL has always had questionable views on things but I’ve always for the most part not engaged with her as she is the kind of idiot it’s impossible to reason with.

now I have a DS (10 months) .On Xmas day, she said most disgraced celebs are innocent and women “put themselves into these situations” she used a number of racial slurs Infront of my family (my parents are immigrants and my brother in law / nieces are people of colour )

she then proceeded to tell me I read “ too much science ” when raising my son and her way (the old fashioned way) is the only way.To which my mother replied current guidelines are based on research to reduce SIDS so cannot be a bad thing.

I guess my point here is.Can I really have an anti feminist,racists science denier around my son? She is from the boomer generation but still…?Husband says he supports cutting down contact if she says things like this around him when he is older but obviously cannot completely disown his mum.In an ideal world,I would never mix with someone so ridiculous so at a loss as to how to handle it.She is also very angry she will not be assisting me with childcare when I return to work .Obviously all of the above is the reason why.Should I get DH to explain this to her?

Boomer is almost always used in a negative context.

I equally find it annoying when people say, young people are lazy/selfish/difficult etc. Talk about individuals rather than blame everyone because of a few bad examples.

Racists and those who defend them are cunts. How do you like that for free speaking?

Yes. They were different then - I put my baby to sleep on her tummy in 1980 because that's what I was told to do. In the intervening 40 years I have watched TV, listened to the radio, read newspapers and magazines etc. When my grandchildren were born I did things according to current advice because I am capable of taking new ideas on board as are most people. The fact that your MIL refuses to do this is down to her not her age.

Obviously if I knew this I would not have used that term on here or anywhere now I know I defo won’t be like I said as she refers to herself as such and I would call myself a millennial and have no issue I didn’t know .Conparing me to her is stupid coz now I’ll stop knowing I was wrong as my intention wasn’t to be nasty but she knows racial slurs are no acceptable so though I’ve been mistaken not the same

A cunt is a cunt at any age so good riddance to her. Can't believe some of the advice you've been given is to laugh it off. Wtf. Foul.

“Anyway, this is all a sidetrack from the real issue which is that your mother-in-law is a racist.”

AND A SEXIST. Can we all please acknowledge this too im sick of sexism being ignored -it is no less unacceptable than the racism!!

Being from the boomer generation certainly does not make people bigoted. Bigots come in all generations.

Can someone tell me what a Boomer is? I'm not sure if I am one.

@222333Annie I think you are allowing MIL too much leeway here.
With regard to the parenting, she is being judgmental; with regard to “Science”, she is displaying wilful ignorance; with regard to women “asking for it”, she’s being both judgmental and misogynistic; and with regard to “gays”, she’s being judgmental and homophobic.

None of these are redeeming qualities.

That she has lived through historical times when these traits were not often called out for being wrong, does not mean she can hang onto these beliefs/feelings/ prejudices - BECAUSE she has also lived through the recent past when we, as a Society, unilaterally rejected them.
We rejected them by passing laws, and by enabling consequences to be felt by those in the public eye, and others, for espousing similar beliefs/feelings/prejudices.
Just call her out, every time - your baby, your rules!

My mum, is probably similar to your MIL, she loves expressing her unkind opinions about. I don't think it's generation thing, I think some people are just unkind or unable to think before they speak and believe they are right.

Until recently, she had a wonderful relationship with her grandchildren. However, in later years - her unkind opinions have caused upset and our DD refuses contact with her granny due to her behaviours. My mum refuses to change.

I've tried in the pass to advise her on, whats apprioate and whats not. I now see she chooses to belive her way is right. So I am now low contract as I've had enough of her vile, outdate and unkind opinions.

I agree I think she personally is choosing to just go against me for unknown reasons but I said the age thing as a kind of way to make sense of this behaviour not to insult people of a certain age

Top banter 😂

Regarding the sexist comments - yes, in the 60s I was explicitly taught that it was the girl's fault if things went too far, men can't help themselves etc. etc. but I evolved and rejected these ideas so it's not a given that older women all still hold these views.

Regarding the racism and putting it in a bit of context have a look at this thread https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/ami_being_unreasonable/4971811-to-think-a-diverse-staff-force-in-a-nursery-is-an-asset-not-a-drop-in-quality?page=10&reply=131784966 where the racism seems to be coming from women with nursery aged children and not 'boomers.

@222333Annie, the putting your baby to sleep on his front is unacceptable. I’m surprised she wasn’t aware of how dangerous this is as there was a widespread campaign about this in the 1990’s.

Although there were different views regarding what was racist when I was growing up much of it was due to not knowing that something was racist because of being unaware of the background. For example I thought a golly was just another sort of teddy and never thought it was meant to be a person.

lol why is everyone still commenting I never said she’s a bigot coz of her age she just is .I only eluded to the fact for HER personally the age could be a factor doesn’t mean everyone’s age influences behaviour just as some very young people can be extremely mature

I don't think it's an age thing. My youngest is 17 and I weaned at 4 months and put them on their sides, back and front to sleep (the latter 2 when I was watching them). There's always the risk of a baby choking on their own vomit laid on their back so there's risks with that too.

^^ All of this.

Thanks but again never said she’s racist coz of her age

I couldn't stand my mil-still can't after all this time.
Any little argument between myself and dh she would pounce upon to denigrate and bad mouth me.

So let me give you some advice: it is unreasonable to have zero contact with her so you must have as little to do with her as possible.

You must teach your son that some people say things that aren't true.

You do what most people do in reality who can't stand their in-laws: the minimum contact they can get away with.

None of this marrying into the family bullshit NOR cutting ALL contact.

Obviously you allow contact with your child but teach him that some of granny's views are outdated.

My mil is unwell. I'll openly and honestly admit I can't stand her on an anonymous forum.
I don't begrudge my dh seeing her and facilitate that. No Christmas spent together this year as he wished to be with her. That's OK, it's his mother. As long as I didn't have to spend Christmas with her, it's OK.

Compromise, OP.

Apologies, I was posting in response to other posters comments.

Just a thought. She is clearly awful and always has been but she raised the man that fathered your child.
You fell in love with him and he can’t hold these views or you wouldn’t be with him.
so it she had all of those years to indoctrinate him and didn’t your child will have very limited time with her they will grow up just fine.
wether you want to put up with that in your life is a different question.

“Look, MIL… I don’t expect you to change your opinion, but I didn’t ask for it either. I will not allow racist/homophobic (whatever) comments around my kids. Keep them to yourself or leave/were going.”

Sorry feel like everyone is just trying ti prove me wrong for something I didn’t say

Boomer mums are weird about the SIDS guidelines.

This boomer isn't. The guidelines had been around for many years by the time DD was born. Foot to foot and baby on their back was the advice in 2000. Has this changed?

I am the same age as the MIL who, admittedly, sounds deeply unpleasant with her awful views, of which I don't and have never held.

It's not ageism to say that different generations had different ideas and attitudes, it's a fact.

I agree, but if @222333Annie hadn't used the phrase boomer in her OP the way she did then this thread wouldn't have derailed the way it has done. I see that she has apologised and now regrets using this expression.

When my grandchildren were born I did things according to current advice because I am capable of taking new ideas on board as are most people. The fact that your MIL refuses to do this is down to her not her age.

Well said @CaptainMyCaptain

That is a very bigoted view from the OP. That she thinks everyone from that generation is a racist bigot.

I know my mum and lots of her friends from the same generation, that don't have these attitudes and I also hear of younger twats that share her MILs views.

So OP, whilst you MIL does sound awful, please also make sure you are not doing the same as her a tarring a whole generation with the same brush just because of their age.