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AIBU?

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Original poster

Narcissistic in laws

30 replies

montanaramirez · 28/12/2023 22:30

Recently gone no contact with toxic in laws after one too many of their issues and incidents caused. DH and I came to the agreement together after countless things had happened and mounted up. It wasn't one final thing to pin it on. The relationship and their toxic ways were exacerbated by the birth of our child and after discussing it agreed it was best for our family to go no contact. We had previously been little contact and trying to be 'grey rock' after reading on how to deal with them. The birth of our child made us interesting again and they wanted in. I was civil and included them where it was proper to do so but even then MIL had to cause major issues time and time again. DH had enough of the upset caused and saw how damaging it was to us.

Interestingly, after being told that we didn't want contact, they've not responded in any way. Im not sure if this is typical of a narc to lay low after being told to get lost?? I wasn't expecting it, although pleased.

However, we've been informed they have intentions to resolve it in coming weeks. I don't really understand why delay if they had these intentions or why bother at all... I think it boils down to access to DC. They've been doing a lot of crying to people for pity to gather some support/sympathy. Im unsure whether they will follow through or are talking the talk to play victims.

Im looking for some advice from anyone with experience or knowledge of dealing with narcissists and to how to deal with them trying to break the no contact. We've no intent of resuming contact. It's not healthy for us or DC.

OP posts:
Catza · 28/12/2023 23:09

Have they both been diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder? If so, their care team will be able to point you to support groups in your local area.

GirlWithTheRedScarf · 29/12/2023 00:35

I’m sorry OP that you have had the displeasure of dealing with the toxicity of narcissism and the impact it inevitably has on your health and relationships.
I have a lot of experience myself after surviving a relationship with a narcissist which led me to study and learn more about the disorder, also known as “NPD”.
The most important piece of advice I could give to anyone dealing with toxic and narcissistic people is to go no contact as you have done so, BUT the key is to maintain it!
The first thing a narcissist will do after ‘the mask slips’ and you set a boundary or go no contact will be to turn the situation around to make them look like the victim. This practice is also known as the smear campaign. When a narcissist can’t control you, they control how others perceive you.
If you truly do not want to reconcile for the sake of your mental health or relationship, then you must not respond to texts/emails/phone calls/letters etc etc from you’re in-laws. They may attempt to reach out to you through others, but try to remember YOU are in control here and YOU can take back the power to decide who deserves a place at you’re (metaphorical) table. If these people cannot bring peace to your life, they don’t deserve a chair.🪑
Good luck OP, you’ve got this!

Aquamarine1029 · 29/12/2023 00:41

We've no intent of resuming contact.

Then that's all there is to it. I'm not sure what you're asking for really. Them trying to get in contact with you is irrelevant if you refuse to. You block them every way possible. If they show up, you don't answer the door. If they write letters, you toss them in the bin without reading them. If they escalate to harassment, you report them to the police. No contact means no contact, no response from you. For any reason. You can't control what they do, you can control what you do.

Original poster
montanaramirez · 29/12/2023 20:57

Thanks all.

@Catza no, but the thing with narcs is they don't think they are a narc...

@GirlWithTheRedScarf - it's so hard to deal with isn't it but I too have been trying to read into it to get some guidance. Cutting contact has been the best thing we've done and saved so much stress over the festive period too. They've not acknowledged us but I can't help but panic about them reemerging in the new year. Again, the affect a narc has on you! You're right about continuing the no contact, that's what we will try to do. I anticipate a solicitors letter for them asking for contact with our child.

@Aquamarine1029 definitely right, we have to remain strong in our stance on it and continue as we mean to go on.

OP posts:
AllAroundMyCat · 29/12/2023 21:15

Catza · 28/12/2023 23:09

Have they both been diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder? If so, their care team will be able to point you to support groups in your local area.

Excellent advice.

Santaisscouringindeedfornewjob · 29/12/2023 21:20

Mil dumped us when ds was born. We moved away.. She emailed everyone she knew who knew dh slagging us off. Wondered why she wasn't invited to our wedding.. I emailed her telling her telling her what I thought of her before this. Been 9 years.. She sent ds a first birthday gift.. I sent it back recorded delivery.. Not heard a word since. She knew we meant fuck off and stay fucked off. Don't even get into any sort of conversation op. Both block her on all ways. Ignore any flying monkeys.. Mil had her bff email dh. He didn't even respond..

Catza · 29/12/2023 21:31

montanaramirez · 29/12/2023 20:57

Thanks all.

@Catza no, but the thing with narcs is they don't think they are a narc...

@GirlWithTheRedScarf - it's so hard to deal with isn't it but I too have been trying to read into it to get some guidance. Cutting contact has been the best thing we've done and saved so much stress over the festive period too. They've not acknowledged us but I can't help but panic about them reemerging in the new year. Again, the affect a narc has on you! You're right about continuing the no contact, that's what we will try to do. I anticipate a solicitors letter for them asking for contact with our child.

@Aquamarine1029 definitely right, we have to remain strong in our stance on it and continue as we mean to go on.

So you are a psychiatrist and were able to ascertain that they meet DMC5 diagnostic criteria for NPD?
Look, I get it. You have difficult in laws. But don’t go around proclaiming a diagnosis when one wasn’t established by a trained professional.

AllAroundMyCat · 30/12/2023 20:26

People really need to stop attributing narcissistic behaviour to all and sundry.
It's very specific and needs a gamut of examinations to identify it in the first place.

I despair of posters on MN who throw the word narcissism around likes its commonplace.
It really isn't.

PrueRamsay · 30/12/2023 20:32

If they’re using the standard toxic playbook, two things will now happen.

  1. Flying Monkeys will be despatched. These are usually family members who haven’t had the guts to stand up to the toxic relatives and are sent to tell you how fucking ungrateful you are to upset Billy and Brenda the way you have. Shame on you!!
  2. The Mystery Illness. One of the people you have gone NC with will develop a mystery illness which cannot quite be diagnosed, but is Definitely Your Fault.

The response to all this ridiculous attention seeking behaviour is, of course, no contact.

PTSDBarbiegirl · 30/12/2023 20:33

AllAroundMyCat · 29/12/2023 21:15

Excellent advice.

Show quote history

People don't seek out help re diagnosis when they don't see themselves as having a problem. This problem is common with N personality.

Santaisscouringindeedfornewjob · 30/12/2023 20:39

Ime you don't need to label people as narcs.. Twats covers it just as well.

Redshoeblueshoe · 30/12/2023 20:42

Do you think that they intend to resolve this by taking a legal route to have access? Because they won't get it, because they don't have an established relationship with your DC

Santaisscouringindeedfornewjob · 30/12/2023 21:44

Op they have no legal rights to your dc. IF they had previously had a long standing unsupervised relationship with your dc then a judge could agree they could apply for access-which isn't automatically granted.. They can't just apply themselves without a court approval first.

ConciseQueen · 30/12/2023 21:46

Catza · 28/12/2023 23:09

Have they both been diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder? If so, their care team will be able to point you to support groups in your local area.

Quite.

And if they haven’t been diagnosed….

coldcallerbaiter · 30/12/2023 21:53

What sorts of things have the IL done?

SocksAndTheCity · 30/12/2023 22:00

@montanaramirez And the thing with armchair psychiatrists is that they think a bit of vaguely formed internet research with Dr Google is almost/nearly/just as good as a medical degree Hmm

EmberLight · 30/12/2023 22:03

Why can't posters just offer advice if they have it, or say nothing if they don't rather than bleating on about whether people are diagnosed or not.

I've never in my life heard of a narcissist who would ever put themselves in a position where they might get diagnosed. It's a central part of the disorder.

OP I sympathise, having a full blown narcissist in my family and his band of flying monkeys and other family members with narcissistic traits who do his bidding. Ignoring, blocking etc is the right thing to do. Ignore them, ignore their flying monkeys and any insane rumours you hear back. Good luck.

ohmygolli · 30/12/2023 22:04

OP, some of these responses are ridiculous.

you’re allowed to call them narcs if they are to you.
you also don’t need to justify what they’ve done to you. I found on MN you get a lot of people seeking out the DILs who have IL issues.

anyway, stick to your guns. Well done to you and DH for cutting contact and protecting your lives.
they can try to resolve but you’re not interested.
the only thing you could try is make them PROVE THEY ARE CHANGED AND WILLING. It’s unlikely; won’t last. Changed behaviour over apologies. But that means letting them in a smidge.

good luck x

Esmerelda2024 · 30/12/2023 22:15

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Redshoeblueshoe · 30/12/2023 22:20

EmberLight · 30/12/2023 22:03

Why can't posters just offer advice if they have it, or say nothing if they don't rather than bleating on about whether people are diagnosed or not.

I've never in my life heard of a narcissist who would ever put themselves in a position where they might get diagnosed. It's a central part of the disorder.

OP I sympathise, having a full blown narcissist in my family and his band of flying monkeys and other family members with narcissistic traits who do his bidding. Ignoring, blocking etc is the right thing to do. Ignore them, ignore their flying monkeys and any insane rumours you hear back. Good luck.

Absofuckinglutely

Elvis1956 · 30/12/2023 22:32

Catza · 29/12/2023 21:31

So you are a psychiatrist and were able to ascertain that they meet DMC5 diagnostic criteria for NPD?
Look, I get it. You have difficult in laws. But don’t go around proclaiming a diagnosis when one wasn’t established by a trained professional.

Show quote history

If if the op was a clinical psychologist other flying monkeys other than you would have a pop. Even if they are really nice to the world. You are not wrong o p to get shot.

ok let's have an example. A well known couple in our town good church goers, but even my mum in law who even thinks I am good, sees the best in everyone, thinks they are nasty.

I know I worked for them, their son has some medical issues, he was in his 30s and asked for some money to see a specialist...given they spend £10k plus on holidays per year...they refused....he is still sick...But soooo many people day say how nice they are and get upset when I say no they are cunts.

jpclarke · 30/12/2023 22:36

I have been in this very position except in my case it was my own family, you need to remember why you have went no contact. In my case, I want to protect my children from my family and I have no regrets about that. You are parents now and your job is to protect your child, I too believed I would get a solicitors letter in the early days but it never happened. I have had to cut off other family members and keep others at arms length as they were running with stories so be careful of others. If you do not want these people in your life you too have to stop asking and listening to stories from others about them because everytime you do it drags you back a little.

Catza · 31/12/2023 09:15

ohmygolli · 30/12/2023 22:04

OP, some of these responses are ridiculous.

you’re allowed to call them narcs if they are to you.
you also don’t need to justify what they’ve done to you. I found on MN you get a lot of people seeking out the DILs who have IL issues.

anyway, stick to your guns. Well done to you and DH for cutting contact and protecting your lives.
they can try to resolve but you’re not interested.
the only thing you could try is make them PROVE THEY ARE CHANGED AND WILLING. It’s unlikely; won’t last. Changed behaviour over apologies. But that means letting them in a smidge.

good luck x

Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental health condition. Labelling a difficult person with a mental health condition is problematic because it stigmatises people with mental health conditions. Why is it so difficult to comprehend?
Would you feel similarly if people call someone retarded, or spastic? Would you feel someone is allowed to suggest a person may have cancer based on their personal qualities?

ChristmasEvemaddness · 31/12/2023 09:42

Op I find it's better not to make big announcements with such people just keep low and grey.

ohmygolli · 31/12/2023 12:56

Catza · 31/12/2023 09:15

Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental health condition. Labelling a difficult person with a mental health condition is problematic because it stigmatises people with mental health conditions. Why is it so difficult to comprehend?
Would you feel similarly if people call someone retarded, or spastic? Would you feel someone is allowed to suggest a person may have cancer based on their personal qualities?

Show quote history

I think you need to chill a little catza

ive worked in MH. I’m not alien to it by any measure.
now if someone has narcissistic traits, that doesn’t meant they’re suffering from the condition. There are many points on the spectrum, let’s not go diagnosing everyone ok.