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Original poster

To get my brother fired

170 replies

Hooplahooping · 28/12/2023 18:56

A couple of months ago my brother told me he looked at my students files while he was working in the student office (he’s doing a masters at the uni I did my under grad at yrs ago - and is working in admin there part time while studying

I brushed it off at the time as poor judgement. But it bothered me sufficiently that I requested my own records to see what was on file there which arrived today.

  • All my transcripts + degree grades etc
  • A disciplinary panel record from when I sloppily referenced an essay + had to discuss plagerism with faculty and re submit.
  • a disciplinary record for poor seminar attendance and ‘attendance agreement’
  • a letter from my GP about anxiety
  • a letter from Marie Stopes about a pregnancy termination which required absence from said seminar series I’d signed an attendance agreement.
  • some standard halls of residence + student loan details.

I am truly not ashamed of 19 year old me - nor is any of it info that would explode my life if the world knows (DH knows everything anyway) - but that doesn’t mean that I would chose to share that information widely. Certainly not with a brother who I am not particularly close to.

I’m happy now, I have a happy balanced life with DH and two lovely DDs

what was he thinking? Is he trying to secretly shame me? Hang it over my head to make me feel bad?

He’s extremely brittle and if I ask him about it further he’ll cry and make excuse and melt into a puddle.

I think I’m just going to sit down and tell my parents all the potentially upsetting stuff just so I feel like I have control of the information. I’m not concerned that it will change their opinion of me.

I am furious though. I want to tell the university and get him fired.

how dare he? I’m so fed up with treading on eggshells around him because ‘life is harder for him’

OP posts:
Nonewclothes2024 · 28/12/2023 20:14

Peppermint81 · 28/12/2023 19:05

No big deal, I would sneak a peek at someone I knew records if opportunity was there. Just out of curiosity- doubt he thought he would uncover anything important .
He unlikely to tell your parents or anyone, just will perhaps understand you better or have more empathy towards you.
Just forget it, not relevant to your current life now and you trying to get your brother fired seems rather extreme in this understandable situation - let him finish his masters and try to do well with his life

Are you joking ? Or the brother ?
It's outrageous , he found out about a termination she had which she'd chosen not to tell him about.

Vinrouge4 · 28/12/2023 20:15

Nicole1111 · 28/12/2023 19:38

Tell your parents then message your brother “Just to let you know I’ve informed mum and dad about the content of the information you obtained through serious misconduct behaviour at work on the off chance you were considering sharing this information.” When he replies with defensiveness and woe is me reply and say “I’m not interested in any conversation whereby you continue to paint yourself as a victim in a situation where I was the victim”. If he persists “If you continue to message me regarding this I will be forced to inform your employer about your misconduct and your now harassment regarding it”. It’s time he had a boundary set.

Very good advice. Stop walking on eggshells around him.

titchy · 28/12/2023 20:15

MrsHughesPinny · 28/12/2023 20:12

I’m confused as to why they still have all that.

I tried to get transcripts from 18 years ago recently and was told they don’t have any from pre-2008 because they weren’t routinely kept plus GDPR rules said they couldn’t keep anything that long.

They certainly can hold onto stuff that long. GDPR is an excuse for shitty record keeping.

topnoddy · 28/12/2023 20:17

Nonewclothes2024 · 28/12/2023 20:14

Are you joking ? Or the brother ?
It's outrageous , he found out about a termination she had which she'd chosen not to tell him about.

Show quote history

We don't know if he found out anything at all , do we

He has just told the OP he accessed her records , no details have been given apart from what was on them by the OP .

CockSpadget · 28/12/2023 20:18

You are absolutely not unreasonable. He was way out of order.

slawsdregga · 28/12/2023 20:22

If you believe he looked at your records raise this with the uni. He should be sacked

Fairyliz · 28/12/2023 20:23

When he said he had seen your file what did you say?
Did he allude to anything you mentioned up thread or is he teasing you in a sort of ‘ooh I saw your file I bet there’s some naughty stuff in there from when you were a wild young woman.

MoveOnTheCards · 28/12/2023 20:26

I probably wont get him vindictively fired. But I know if I take it up with him he’ll meltdown. I just don’t know what to do with my huge feelings around it.

TBH this kind of adoption and internalised pressure of others’ reactions to consequences OF THEIR OWN ACTIONS bugs the shit out of me. He’s the one who did something wrong, YOU do not need to worry about him feeling bad or going into meltdown when he’s called out on it. What else /who else is he looking up?

the Uni needs better protocols and he needs to grow up and show some respect for boundaries.

haXXor · 28/12/2023 20:29

DonnaBanana · 28/12/2023 20:07

Neurodivergent people tend to follow rules

That is a huge stereotype.

It's a far more harmful stereotype to keep blaming poor male behaviour on autism, ADHD, or whatever specific learning disability is being abused as an excuse this week. It does neurodivergent people no favours at all to have their conditions associated with what is actually men thinking that they can do what they like.

HelpMeGetThrough · 28/12/2023 20:34

He’s extremely brittle and if I ask him about it further he’ll cry and make excuse and melt into a puddle

Oh, I'd make him a little more brittle.

Tell him you are going to have a very long hard think about whether to inform his employer as to what he has said he's done, but you really have no idea how long that is going to take, but his employer may or may not be having a word at some point.

Bastard behaviour, yep, but no worse than his shitty behaviour. Make him sweat it out.

SusanKennedyshouldLTB · 28/12/2023 20:40

haXXor · 28/12/2023 20:29

It's a far more harmful stereotype to keep blaming poor male behaviour on autism, ADHD, or whatever specific learning disability is being abused as an excuse this week. It does neurodivergent people no favours at all to have their conditions associated with what is actually men thinking that they can do what they like.

Show quote history

This has definitely been a thing this week. Arsehole man, must be ND. Almost every arsehole man thread ive been on.

saraclara · 28/12/2023 20:41

Simply contact the university and ask them for how long they retain records, as you have reason to believe that a relative working in the office has accessed your file.

You don't have to go into any more detail than that at the moment.

rwalker · 28/12/2023 20:42

Did he tell you any specific info that confirmed he looked
I think there could be a strong possibility he’s bull shitting

most system would if archived info that old that and I’m sure there’s rules on information retention a lot gets deleted after 7 years

FictionalCharacter · 28/12/2023 20:43

if I ask him about it further he’ll cry and make excuse and melt into a puddle
Oh great, he has a go-to strategy to avoid being accountable for anything.

I agree with others, if he looked up your records he's probably looked up others, and his actions are highly unprofessional and unethical. Either read him the riot act and ignore the pathetic tears, or report. People deserve and have a legal right to have their personal data kept securely and not misused, so someone like him shouldn't have access. He's untrustworthy. I work in a university and data security is taken very seriously.

Mikimoto · 28/12/2023 20:49

This reply has been deleted

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Hollyhead · 28/12/2023 20:53

Just another person chipping in to say it’s highly unlikely all of that is in one place, he probably just saw your actual student record. It’s also unlikely a university would fire him for that, it would probably be a verbal or written warning.

mottytotty · 28/12/2023 20:58

Yes, you should report him.

And go no contact.

He’s a jumped up little shit.

mottytotty · 28/12/2023 20:59

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Always with victim blaming, Mikimoto. Do you ever take a break?

tachetastic · 28/12/2023 21:01

Hooplahooping · 28/12/2023 19:20

He’s the youngest of the three of us and has always felt resentment about his older brother and me (older sister) having more ‘social confidence’

I wonder if there is some sort of neurodivergence - he is perfectly academically competent - as an engineering masters attests to - but he has set himself up as ‘the clever one’ and seems to look for ways to put me down by putting me in a box as someone who is vapid and not interested in ‘serious things’

he is very fragile + defensive when asked questions. I know I can be insensitive sometimes - but I feel like I have invested huge energy over the years in trying to reassure him. I’ve been very vulnerable with him about my own therapy with him at times.

I just feel like, to him, this was an opportunity to ‘show me’ that he knows I’m secretly a bit of a f*up. To have one over on me.

I feel really hurt. And distrustful.

the last thing I want to do is create some sort of horrible family rift - but I just don’t want his negative energy around my own little family.

I probably wont get him vindictively fired. But I know if I take it up with him he’ll meltdown. I just don’t know what to do with my huge feelings around it.

Show quote history

You want to tell the University and get him fired, but you don't want to cause a rift?

I'm afraid that is likely to be an impossible combination.

Explain to him how hurt you feel, even if he cries. Speak to your parents if you want to get him into trouble with grown-ups. But don't tell his boss. He should not have read your records, but he has not done anything with that information to harm you.

Tell him he has done wrong. Get his parents to do the same. But don't get him fired. In my own view that would be mean and if he doesn't find another job it may be a step that neither he, your parents (nor possibly yourself) will ever forgive you for.

Kerning · 28/12/2023 21:03

At my university, when a Subject Access Request is received our data protection team emails (what seems like) half the university asking if they hold information relating to the request. This is because it's all held in different online systems and paper files, and access to the information is restricted. We each respond individually with information from our area, if held. We do not have access information outside of our area of work. For example, I work in finance and would only be able to provide information relating to finance (fees charged etc). I do not have access to other information such as health/wellbeing, academic conduct etc because it's not necessary for my role.

I very much doubt your brother would have had access to all the information you received from your SAR. Not that it excuses what he has done. As others have said, accessing your record is a breach of data protection if your brother had no need to view it.

uclpp · 28/12/2023 21:03

You should not confront him. And personally I wouldn't tell the uni, to protect your parents, not him.

I would go extremely low contact with him. Only see him when 100% necessary.

I wouldn't tell your parents any of the file contents - if he does, he'll look very bad indeed.

CatWoman12345 · 28/12/2023 21:05

Why are they still holding this info ? Surely it should have been disposed of years ago ?

Diggerdriverless · 28/12/2023 21:06

If he accessed your file he was unprofessional (at least) and shouldn't be employed there. Even claiming to have accessed your files is a misuse of his position, knowing it would cause you upset is plain nasty. You don't know what, if any, information he has seen but that's not important. I think you should tell your parents what he has said, without discussing what he may have seen.

If you want to talk to your brother about his behaviour, focus on the illegality of what he said he has done. If you honestly believe he did access your file I would report him to the university.

PurpleBugz · 28/12/2023 21:09

Yes if report it. He's probably looked up other people too. But I'm mainly advising this because I'm so fucking done with my brother being treated differently to the sisters. Fucking sexist wanker he is and has no respect for women so I'm very bias

MabelQ · 28/12/2023 21:10

I don’t think the type of relationship you have with him matters in this case. I would feel confident suggesting that if he did this for YOUR files, he probably would/already has done it for any friends, acquaintances, business professionals, etc. that are known to have gone there.

It’s not vindictive to call up the university and explain what you’ve been told. I wouldn’t be surprised if they had a way to verify when your information was accessed and by whom; many higher-tech places will track logons and such, as far as I understand it.

For the sake of the world at large - and potentially what he’s do in future if in a similar position in another place of employment - I think you owe it to yourself and the world to report what he told you.

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