To feel hurt by SIL’s reaction to Xmas gift to my niece

[Undecided234]

Hi all,

So my DN (11yo) is a massive Stranger Things fan and for Xmas I decided to get her a couple of tickets to the new Stranger Things show that’s just opened in the West End.

I purchased the tickets back in March via the advance pre sale and prior to buying them spoke with my DB and said since the show didn’t open until the end of this year and it’s asking a lot for any of us to know where we might be that far in advance, I would try to get tickets for a weekend date in early 2024 with a view to then moving the tickets to another date should it end up clashing with anything at their end.

The added advantage of booking 11 months in advance was that I was able to get a couple of tickets at pre sale prices that I could afford but would also give my niece a decent view. Delaying seeing the show until 2024 also allowed time for the reviews to come out on Dec 15th so that I could check the show wouldn’t be too scary for her before gifting her the tickets Xmas day.

Come Xmas day my niece is delighted with the tickets. My SIL who had been watching DN open her gifts, sharply says “well when is it”, to which I reply the tickets are for the middle Sunday in February but if that dates an issue, I’d be more than happy to change them to a different day. SIL nods her head and no more is said, but I sense somehow I’ve done something wrong.

On Boxing Day, since DB and SIL hosted myself, my mum, and my younger brother for Xmas, I sent the following text to SIL
“Hi SIL, just wanted to say thank you so much for hosting us all yesterday, was lovely to see you guys and to hang out, thanks also for the pressies - very kind of you! Xx ps Re DN’s play tickets - just to confirm the date is Sunday 18th Feb, at 3pm - hope that’s ok if not I can change it for another time :) xx”

SIL then replied with “No worries, glad you enjoyed it. 18th should be ok but maybe just check with us before booking”

Thing is I did check with DB before booking (who I can only assume didn’t mention it to SIL way back in March), the show isn’t for another two months so is not as though it’s last minute, and not only that I reiterated verbally Xmas day and via text Boxing Day that I was happy to change the date if it was an issue.

Can’t help but feel offended as I don’t see how much more considerate I could have been. Perhaps I’m being overly sensitive but feels as though I’ve been scolded and spoken down to and as a result feel hurt.

Even if I hadn’t checked with DB before booking, surely by saying to SIL more than once that I’d be happy to change the date of the tickets if it’s an issue, it didn’t warrant her chastisement?

By way of context, I see my niece and nephew no more than once a month at best, rarely take them out for the day unless it’s a special occasion - and always check their availability well in advance. In contrast, SIL has previously booked weekends away and just assumed I will be available to babysit without even checking first.

SIL is also known to be a bit of a ‘dragon’ and I hate confrontation so I’ve always tried to stay on her good side but am sorely tempted on this occasion to stand up for myself. Just not sure how best to do so.

Of course it is, buses, trains, taxi's, they are all free aren't they!

I'd try to keep my response lighthearted while pointing out I had mentioned it to DB:

"I'm surprised you didn't know as I checked with DB back in March! Men, eh? 🙄🤣 Next time I'll confirm dates with you directly."

Charmed culture, why would you quibble over the cost of public transport to get ones child to an amazing show

Its not quibbling, the OP has bought the tickets, there are associated costs as well, who is covering them, no one is denying the show may or may not be amazing, but it could prove to be a costly day out!

Funnily enough, this post reminded me of arguments my partner and his brother have had in the past, which were continued via text. Making sexist generalisations based on what happens in your own family is silly.

But OP did check with her brother!!!

Can people not read!!

Widowtwsnky, the big cost is covered, all that needs to be paid is public transport, one adult, one kid - take sandwiches if money is tight

Whether the brother did or didn't pass the message on, its not clear who is taking the child to the show and covering the associated expenses

I would just tell her that you did check with DB, but also take on board that going forward, she is clearly the family calendar manager, and as such you should run things past her rather than DB.
This is the case for for a lot of families ( see all threads about women dealing with life admin) and although I'm not saying it is right or fair, it is the reality.
Is this a DB problem?

But that is my point, why should the parent have to cover more costs? Do buses run to that place, is a taxi needed, does the OP want to get a bus!
Does SIL even want to go?

Yup, from your update she is jealous of your status as fun aunt and pissed off that you had such a fab idea.

Either your brother did forget to mention it or he was wary of a sour reaction and wanted niece to get the tickets first before her mother could say "no don't get tickets as we might be busy every weekend". Hmmmm.

I would reply "I checked with DB first, don't worry, I wouldn't have just gone ahead. I'm over the moon she was so pleased!"

I can be a bit passive aggressive with people who've pissed me off for no good reason though, hence the last bit. (No further mention of changing dates - pandering to these types of people just makes them worse as it gives them footholds for additional power strikes!)

Why is that OP’s fault?

I've just looked up public transport costs for us.
It's a £270 train ticket per person.
Earliest train on Sunday gets me to kings cross for 2pm. So probably need to stay somewhere the night before.

The last train home leaves at 1800 from kings cross. Probably another night away from home, and a day off work.

It very much depends on the logistics how much the getting there will cost.

I am not saying its OP's fault, just providing an alternative point of view

This. You really needed/need to stay this. Throw it back at them as a pair, politely.

Of course it is, buses, trains, taxi's, they are all free aren't they!

Well yes actually, London buses are free for under 16s.
Tube is also heavily discounted, as is National Rail.

OP will tell us but given (a) the comment about OP often stepping up for last minute baby sitting and seeing the kids once a month and (b) the fact that OP didn’t even mention getting to London being a big deal as part of her OP, I’d guess they all live near London and probably all travel in and out all the time.

But that is my point, why should the parent have to cover more costs? Do buses run to that place, is a taxi needed, does the OP want to get a bus!

@widowtwankywashroom

“Do buses run to that place?”

Charing Cross Road? Er, yes, one or two!

You can’t seriously think that a taxi would ever be necessary to get to a West End theatre?

Let her know that you did check with DB but you know for future reference to bypass him if you should plan anything in future.
I can see why she would be irritated but it wasn't your fault that DB didn't communicate with her and she shouldn't take it out on you for his failures.

Don't dramatise it more
Just say thanks I checked with DB he must have forgotten.
I think she is peeved you didn't ask her first rather than DB

You haven't done anything wrong BUT.........always best to check these things with the mother as most men don't do the organising for their kids. Leave it now, if she sabotages the theater trip, that's on her not you.

Ouch, the SIL has taken a kicking on here and the DB who clearly didn't pass on the message is absolved of any responsibility. The additional costs are not even mentioned, travel, food, accommodation etc. Which will probably outweigh the ticket price and will be required in a matter of weeks.

Maybe you should have texted your Sil and DB to check. You have self declared yourself the fun aunt, making Sil the practical parent. Are you sure you're not upset as you didn't get the validation you were expecting?

And that, ladies, is how we prop up the learned incompetence of the patriarchy!

FFS.

I haven't googled where the show is on at, my bad, I didn't know if it was some type of comic con held at an out of town venue, but again I am just trying to put across another point of view.

To be fair, always check with the woman. Men are useless at this sort of thing

First paragraph of the OP:
the new Stranger Things show that’s just opened in the West End.

No Googling required.