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AIBU?

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Original poster

To feel hurt by SIL’s reaction to Xmas gift to my niece

367 replies

Undecided234 · 28/12/2023 01:06

Hi all,

So my DN (11yo) is a massive Stranger Things fan and for Xmas I decided to get her a couple of tickets to the new Stranger Things show that’s just opened in the West End.

I purchased the tickets back in March via the advance pre sale and prior to buying them spoke with my DB and said since the show didn’t open until the end of this year and it’s asking a lot for any of us to know where we might be that far in advance, I would try to get tickets for a weekend date in early 2024 with a view to then moving the tickets to another date should it end up clashing with anything at their end.

The added advantage of booking 11 months in advance was that I was able to get a couple of tickets at pre sale prices that I could afford but would also give my niece a decent view. Delaying seeing the show until 2024 also allowed time for the reviews to come out on Dec 15th so that I could check the show wouldn’t be too scary for her before gifting her the tickets Xmas day.

Come Xmas day my niece is delighted with the tickets. My SIL who had been watching DN open her gifts, sharply says “well when is it”, to which I reply the tickets are for the middle Sunday in February but if that dates an issue, I’d be more than happy to change them to a different day. SIL nods her head and no more is said, but I sense somehow I’ve done something wrong.

On Boxing Day, since DB and SIL hosted myself, my mum, and my younger brother for Xmas, I sent the following text to SIL
“Hi SIL, just wanted to say thank you so much for hosting us all yesterday, was lovely to see you guys and to hang out, thanks also for the pressies - very kind of you! Xx ps Re DN’s play tickets - just to confirm the date is Sunday 18th Feb, at 3pm - hope that’s ok if not I can change it for another time :) xx”

SIL then replied with “No worries, glad you enjoyed it. 18th should be ok but maybe just check with us before booking”

Thing is I did check with DB before booking (who I can only assume didn’t mention it to SIL way back in March), the show isn’t for another two months so is not as though it’s last minute, and not only that I reiterated verbally Xmas day and via text Boxing Day that I was happy to change the date if it was an issue.

Can’t help but feel offended as I don’t see how much more considerate I could have been. Perhaps I’m being overly sensitive but feels as though I’ve been scolded and spoken down to and as a result feel hurt.

Even if I hadn’t checked with DB before booking, surely by saying to SIL more than once that I’d be happy to change the date of the tickets if it’s an issue, it didn’t warrant her chastisement?

By way of context, I see my niece and nephew no more than once a month at best, rarely take them out for the day unless it’s a special occasion - and always check their availability well in advance. In contrast, SIL has previously booked weekends away and just assumed I will be available to babysit without even checking first.

SIL is also known to be a bit of a ‘dragon’ and I hate confrontation so I’ve always tried to stay on her good side but am sorely tempted on this occasion to stand up for myself. Just not sure how best to do so.

OP posts:
CoParents · 28/12/2023 10:01

girlfriend44 · 28/12/2023 01:41

Drop the texting . Typical women arguing. Can imagine the men texting back and forth about this

Show quote history

Love me a casual bit of misogyny on a Thursday morning 🧐

Tempnamechng · 28/12/2023 10:02

Is your intention to take your DN to the West End to see the show? If not I can see why she's annoyed. Depending on where in the country you are depends on how easy it is for one of them to get her to the show, for example for me it would be a taxi to the railway station, a 70 minute train journey, a tube across London, food etc. Last show we went to cost £80 each for the ticket, but facilitating the theatre visit cost more than the ticket price. It was a nice thought, as long as its you doing the facilitation.

widowtwankywashroom · 28/12/2023 10:03

I am with SIL on this one, but hear me out, you have booked tickets for half term week, they may have plans, sounds like you checked with your brother but he hasn't passed this on, my husband would do that!

But who is taking her, where is it, will it cost her, does she need a ticket, parking, train, all cost money who is footing that, meals there, who is paying, its not just the ticket to the event there is a lot more involved, are you expecting SIL/BIL to take her, are they interested, will it cost them money??

By treating your niece, are you giving your SIL extra work/costs?

Jifmicroliquid · 28/12/2023 10:05

I’d text back “I did actually check with DB at the time but assume he must have forgotten to tell you”.
She sounds like a right fun sponge.

Soontobe60 · 28/12/2023 10:06

Did you actually give the tickets to her, or just tell her that you were taking her to the show? It sounds like SIL thinks you’ve not actually booked yet, but was going for that particular date.

pingusslappyfeet · 28/12/2023 10:07

She sounds a bit high handed and like she likes to be in control.

If you must reply ‘I checked with DB. You’re welcome,’ would do.

But going forward I’d stop trying to please her or get her approval, you never will with people who choose to behave like that.

Allfur · 28/12/2023 10:07

God what an ungrateful cow, that's such a generous and thoughtful gift, I wouldn't bother next time

Sodndashitall · 28/12/2023 10:08

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines. at the request of it's author.

Yep. "Middle of Feb" is "half term" either beginning or end.
I said that SIL may not know if the date was checked as she just said next time check the date. So I told OP to let SIL know she did check.

HappyBusman · 28/12/2023 10:09

Womencanlift · 28/12/2023 01:35

You sound like you need to grow a bit of a backbone where your SIL is concerned. All this talk of switching dates is ridiculous, one you may not be able to without a charge and you also may not get similar seats on a different date.

Also your only response to that text as others have said is “I did check with brother, he must have not mentioned it”

This. Stop being so apologetic. It makes a certain type of person look for complaint material.

cyclamenqueen · 28/12/2023 10:09

She was probably exhausted from hosting Xmas and all the madness which is the pre Christmas period in the U.K. especially with children at school , and had an initial reaction which was more like ‘great , something else to organise ‘ No its not fair and it was a thoughtful present but actually although great for the child it’s actually the parents who will have to facilitate so it’s a gift with strings .

Soontobe60 · 28/12/2023 10:09

Did you tell your DB the actual date that the tickets were booked for? Or just that it was for early 2024, which is what you said in your first post?

Nineteendays · 28/12/2023 10:11

Just reply and say - yep, all was checked and confirmed with DB back in March, glad it’s still fine. Hope they have an amazing time. See you soon.

Soontobe60 · 28/12/2023 10:12

widowtwankywashroom · 28/12/2023 10:03

I am with SIL on this one, but hear me out, you have booked tickets for half term week, they may have plans, sounds like you checked with your brother but he hasn't passed this on, my husband would do that!

But who is taking her, where is it, will it cost her, does she need a ticket, parking, train, all cost money who is footing that, meals there, who is paying, its not just the ticket to the event there is a lot more involved, are you expecting SIL/BIL to take her, are they interested, will it cost them money??

By treating your niece, are you giving your SIL extra work/costs?

This⬆️
Also, you do know that the show is for 12+ ages?

Nineteendays · 28/12/2023 10:12

widowtwankywashroom · 28/12/2023 10:03

I am with SIL on this one, but hear me out, you have booked tickets for half term week, they may have plans, sounds like you checked with your brother but he hasn't passed this on, my husband would do that!

But who is taking her, where is it, will it cost her, does she need a ticket, parking, train, all cost money who is footing that, meals there, who is paying, its not just the ticket to the event there is a lot more involved, are you expecting SIL/BIL to take her, are they interested, will it cost them money??

By treating your niece, are you giving your SIL extra work/costs?

Maybe but that’s why OP checked with her brother first. Who okayed the gift

Allfur · 28/12/2023 10:15

Even if sil did have plans, she could still be more gracious about the whole thing

CharmedCult · 28/12/2023 10:17

A trip to the theatre isn’t just the ticket though is it.

It costs us the same amount again or more, when you factor in transport, parking, grabbing some food depending on the timing of the show, time off needed if we were working.

Are you covering that too OP?

Are you picking up your niece and taking her, all expenses paid?

widowtwankywashroom · 28/12/2023 10:17

Nineteendays · 28/12/2023 10:12

Maybe but that’s why OP checked with her brother first. Who okayed the gift

Show quote history

Yes and it sounds like the brother hasn't passed the information on to his wife, who may have plans for that week.
Either way the OP hasn't addressed the big question, who is expected to take her and foot the associated expenses

crumpet · 28/12/2023 10:20

I would just ignore it. It’s not important enough to make a big issue of, and there’s no real need to drop your brother in it (although I would definitely have a word with him directly!).

widowtwankywashroom · 28/12/2023 10:20

CharmedCult · 28/12/2023 10:17

A trip to the theatre isn’t just the ticket though is it.

It costs us the same amount again or more, when you factor in transport, parking, grabbing some food depending on the timing of the show, time off needed if we were working.

Are you covering that too OP?

Are you picking up your niece and taking her, all expenses paid?

This is my point exactly, Its not just the cost of the ticket, its a full day out with associated expenses, if you are expecting SIL or BIl to take her, you are costing them money

Ktime · 28/12/2023 10:20

itsmyp4rty · 28/12/2023 08:59

'Oh sorry, I checked with DB when I booked them but maybe he forgot to mention it. Thanks again for a lovely Christmas.'

I wouldn't get snippy with her even if she deserves it. Maybe the baby sitting isn't actually last minute though, maybe your db just doesn't pass on messages to either of you.

Why should OP say sorry?

MILLYmo0se · 28/12/2023 10:21

KingsleyBorder · 28/12/2023 10:00

if shes going to be the one left organising the trip and taking DD to the show I dont know why DB was the one you checked with.

Why on earth would it be OP’s concern to find out which parent would be doing the practical bit? That’s probably not even decided yet anyway. It’s completely normal to communicate more with your actual sibling than their spouse. You obviously assume that they will discuss between themselves. I am getting really annoyed at the sub text here that a mere man has no ability to make judgment calls or arrangements in relation to his own child, and should be bypassed in favour of the mother as the true decision-maker.

Again, phone your brother OP and have this out with him! (In the usual sibling frank- talking but loving way, am not suggesting an argument here).

Edited

Thats exactly why i dont understand why texting and getting in a twist re communicating with SIL about the date now. Id be texting my sibling to say thanks for hosting and to confirm the date, not my in-law. And when the present was opened id turn to be my sibling and say 'ya, X said that would work when I checked'.
To have checked with 1 parent and now not even clarify that this has all been checked when the other parent seems annoyed doesnt make sense to me.
Im not assuming SIL is taking her, Id have assumed it was DB as he okayed it but given the dramarama that has ensued im wondering is this the issue, that SIL knows its going to fall on her.
Other posters think OP is taking her, in which case the whole thing could have been resolved v quickly by just replying 'X said Y would be fine so i booked that, but its flexible ' when asked when it was. If there is an issue with the date/suitability of the show SIL would then be dealing with her husband not the gift giver

Allfur · 28/12/2023 10:21

Charmed cult, it is possible to get to theatres without cars

CharmedCult · 28/12/2023 10:22

Allfur · 28/12/2023 10:21

Charmed cult, it is possible to get to theatres without cars

What, by using all that free public transport instead? However they get there it will cost them money.

Allfur · 28/12/2023 10:22

I'd be delighted if one if my kids had been gifted tickers to something, I'd relish a lovely day out. Look at the positives

Ktime · 28/12/2023 10:23

C8H10N4O2 · 28/12/2023 09:21

Why are you blaming SiL for DB's failure to pass on a message about the event or dates? Why did you not simply say "I did check the dates/content with DB"?

If I was caught short on someone giving an experience type gift to a child I might well say "will check the dates" because I'd want to check its suitability as well as practicalities. The reaction doesn't seem that odd on behalf of a child if DB didn't pass on the message.

Show quote history

How is OP blaming the SIL? It’s the SIL blaming OP when she should blaming her own husband.