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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To object to my husband stopping me from going to Marrakech because it's 'dangerous'

284 replies

LaviniaLee · 28/12/2023 00:38

I was hoping to go to Marrakech city centre for a long weekend with a female friend.

I've wanted to go there for ages - I love the idea of the architecture and culture.

But my husband isn't keen on it as a city. He thinks it's dangerous. He's been before and thinks it's overrated too.

He doesn't want me to go because he thinks it's dangerous. I said lots of people go there and I would stay in a decent hotel near the centre. He said that if I go anyway, it wouldn't be good for our marriage. We don't have kids yet.

AIBU to object to him stopping me?

OP posts:
CurlewKate · 28/12/2023 09:25

@Itsallfunngamesuntil "If roles were reversed and he was going on holiday and wife had concerns, and he basically said....stuff you....I'm off anyway, the responses on MN would be completely different"

It would depend very much what the concerns were. A man with a family free climbing in Yosemite or a man going to Thailand for a fortnight with a suitcase full of condoms? Damn right discuss concerns. A man going on a city break with a friend? Not so much.

readymealeater · 28/12/2023 09:28

SgtJuneAckland · 28/12/2023 08:40

I went with DH and got grabbed/groped several times, that was dressing very modestly covered ankle to shoulders and being there with my husband. It happened 3 times in 4 days and each time I was on my own, once at a cash point, once when he'd gone to the toilet and once in the medina when dh had popped back to our riad to get something I'd left behind. I was 25, not sure if it would be the same as a nearly 40 year old mother.

I also agree it's overrated and think a lot of people stay in big hotels in la Palmeraie which is fine if that's what you want but it's also not really Marrakech. Essaouira on the other hand much more laid back, the argan oil collective was really interesting and the art/culture etc more prominent than in Marrakech. Seafood was delicious too.

Having said all of that he can't tell you where you can go.

Edited

Yes, I was completely covered too - my arms and chest covered, skirt to the floor etc because I burn easily and stay covered up. It didn't make any difference to how I was treated. Seems to be lone female = fair game (or even with your DH in your case!)

LifeonMarsnotVenus · 28/12/2023 09:31

Yes, it’s definitely not a safe place for women so you need your wits about you and must stick together at all times.

I got my tits grabbed by a strange bloke when I was with DH on holiday there. We were in the market and stupid DH had wandered off and I lost sight of him. It was a very scary experience but I luckily managed to biff the guy in the stomach and then made a run for it.

I’ve visited loads of places in Indo-China and Asia and not felt threatened there but north Africa isn’t a place I’ll be returning to.

However, your DH comments sound weird so I’d need to get to the bottom of that before booking my travel. Is he afraid for your safety or just very controlling?

Allfur · 28/12/2023 09:35

It's a lovely city for a break, I've been groped up in london, doesn't stop me going there. Live your life op

Startingagainandagain · 28/12/2023 09:36

Why would it be dangerous?

You will be with a good friend, staying in a nice hotel and will only be there for a weekend.

Like any trip make sure you plan what you want to visit so you don't get lost, don't drink too much and in this case make sure you dress appropriately. Ask the hotel for recommendations for sightseeing and enjoy yourself. It is a very touristy city.

I would reconsider a relationship with someone who claims that going on a weekend trip with a female friend would be 'no good for your marriage'...

@Peoplemakemedespair

''Can you see how contradictory your advise is though? I agree with you btw. If you dress the wrong way or are a bit intoxicated or seem vulnerable in any way then you’re in danger. Yes that’s kind of the same anywhere, but you can have 10 thousand drunk women in mini dresses in London or Paris or New York and they’ll probably make it home just fine. One drunk woman in a belly top/short skirt on her own in Marrakesh is more likely to be in serious danger''

That would be one very daft woman though wouldn't it?

I am pretty sure the OP is not going to behave like a drunk teenager on a stag night in Ibiza in a Muslim country.

By the way I was groped by a stranger in the street when I lived in Los Angeles, slapped in the back of the head when I was in Paris by some idiot woman and had many issues with aggressive men in London including one instance of sexual assault....Unfortunately women can be faced with violence anywhere they go.

WillowCraft · 28/12/2023 09:36

ClareBlue · 28/12/2023 01:07

Well the the safety index for female travelers is classified as 'high' for street harassment, which includes unwanted touching, abusive comments and sexual language so you keep saying 'of course it isn't dangerous' and then maybe the actual facts.

Show quote history

Those things aren't dangerous though. They may be unpleasant. There is a difference. I didn't experience any of that in Marrakech. Egypt on the other hand, or India, were both terrible for it. Still not actually dangerous though.

DonnaBanana · 28/12/2023 09:41

It’s the weird threat about the marriage that makes him unreasonable. Assuming good intentions it means that he sees himself as your protector and that you going to a place he considers dangerous means he’s unable to do that and it weakens his perceived bond. Do you need to be protected by your husband? If not, he might not be the one for you

WillowCraft · 28/12/2023 09:43

ClairDeLaLune · 28/12/2023 09:09

I went earlier this month with DH and late teens kids. Felt perfectly safe. Obviously we had males with us though, not sure what it would be like for female travellers, but we didn’t see any groping behaviour towards other women travellers. Yes you get hassled a lot to buy stuff but you just have to ignore them.

I’d recommend staying near the centre, I can recommend a fab riad if you want to PM me.

I think it's worse travelling as a couple. I think some if the men get a kick out of harassing a woman who's with a man. Travelling in a group of women seems much better, local men somehow seem more respectful

Startingagainandagain · 28/12/2023 09:43

I forgot to say in my previous comment: can you both afford to pay for a local licensed guide for the day? again ask the hotel. That might good to have someone with you if you have any real concerns.

fishonabicycle · 28/12/2023 09:46

I went a few years back with a female friend - absolutely never felt any danger whatsoever! It's a fantastic, interesting, busy place - stay in a Riyadh in the middle - they are beautiful places - tiled courtyards with fountains ..

saraclara · 28/12/2023 09:47

Morewineplease10 · 28/12/2023 09:07

When I went in around 2006 I did feel a little unsafe. I was with a male friend, we got hassled ALL the time.

I'm well travelled and wouldn't go back there. I'd say it is more dangerous than most European cities.

Your H saying it wouldn't be good for your marriage sounds like a veiled threat.

Genuinely, it's very different now.

I have friends who've travelled to Morocco several times, and in recent conversation they've both said how blown away they are by the difference in Marrakech over the last few years. They'd both been this year and said that the atmosphere was completely different. It was those conversations that encouraged me to go.

There's been a real clamp down, and I had absolutely no hassle at all. I felt completely relaxed strolling around on my own, even in the main square.

Now they just have to address the behaviour of the stall holders in the souks, but i think they're making a start. I had a bad experience that I told my riad host about, and he said that if I told the tourist police about it, they'd close the business.

SecondUsername4me · 28/12/2023 09:47

Has he clarified why it would be "bad for the marriage"?

Is it

  1. he will worry for your safety and the amount of worry would be something he wouldn't want to put himself through

  2. he told you not to do something and you did it anyway

  3. he doesn't want you spending weekends away without him ever

None of these are right of course, and you can and should do what you wish, but it would be good to know whether it's anxiety or controlling personality which is driving this.

BeaRF75 · 28/12/2023 09:48

It's not dangerous. But that's not the point, because even if you DID want to go somewhere dangerous, he has no right to try to stop you. This is your choice to make, not his.

dramalamma · 28/12/2023 09:50

As lots of OPs have said - of course he shouldn't be dictating and he's phrased it a weird way but I'd be wondering if he's genuinely juts scared for you. I've travelled to many countries - including some genuinely scary ones and for me Morocco was the worst because we felt unsafe all the time. I have at least two friends who wojld also not go back - My experience was worst as I witnessed a murder on the street in broad daylight which was truely horrible (it was a local killed not a tourist but it still didn't make me feel want safer)
I hate to restrict any woman travelling but it's one place I wouldn't recommend going without a man - not Because they are any more effective at looking after themselves and you but because the perception of them is that he would be. You will left alone far more with a male in the group than a group of females.

Of course it's your decision tho but maybe talk to him about it calmly if you can

CurlewKate · 28/12/2023 09:50

@SecondUsername4me "I forgot to say in my previous comment: can you both afford to pay for a local licensed guide for the day? again ask the hotel. That might good to have someone with you if you have any real concerns."

She doesn't have concerns. Her dp does.

WillowCraft · 28/12/2023 09:53

Desecratedcoconut · 28/12/2023 05:53

Yeah, it's just like everywhere else, except you can't go out late at night, men will follow you around, cat call you and low level harass you but that's okay because you won't get kidnapped. If you feel like this is a misogynistic place and intimidating for women just remember to bury that feeling low, low down so people don't think you are being racist. You'll be fine.

Meanwhile, there's nothing more dangerous to women than a controlling partner. So I'd think on that too - but on the upside - you don't have to pretend that isn't worrying.

Most of the world is misogynistic. It depends if you're willing to put up with some harassment to experience traveling to these places. Marrakech is safe as a tourist if you stick to certain guidelines. If you want a sanitised entirely western experience then go to a theme park.

SallyWD · 28/12/2023 09:54

I suppose he's worry yes about you being harassed. It is a place where Western women will be approached and harassed, especially if not travelling with men. My two SILs went but travelled with their brother (DH) for this reason.
Having said that, I'd still go if I was you and just take precautions.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 28/12/2023 09:58

My DH would not feel comfortable with me going to a dangerous place and would express that concern to me. I would do the same for him. However, he also recognises that I am a grown up and can make my own decisions for myself so would never stop me or make threats that it wouldn’t be good for our marriage. That’s the difference.

MariaLuna · 28/12/2023 09:58

I've been to Marrakesh - amazing place - on my own, stayed in a Riad, had a fantastic time and was absolutely fine. No hassle at all.

People like your husband remind me why I love living solo (I have an adult son).

I'm old enough to decide how to live my life without anyone telling me what I can or cannot do.

PictureFrameWindow · 28/12/2023 10:01

I'd be more worried about the veiled threat he's making than going to Marrakech! What are you getting out of this relationship?

jackstini · 28/12/2023 10:01

Depends - is he saying you going on any trip away with a friend would not be good for your marriage? That would be ridiculous and a massive red flag

Or is he genuinely concerned based on his experience travelling there, and you just dismissing/ignoring his opinion is not good?

itsmyp4rty · 28/12/2023 10:03

In my 20's travelling around Europe I got asked for a blowjob in France as I walked down the road carrying my backpack. I had an old man put his arm around me on a train in Spain, I was flashed on the way up to the Alhambra and I had a man purposely take a shower with the door open while I cleaned my teeth in a campsite shower block.

I've been to Marrakech with my husband and young son and we didn't even have people trying to sell us anything, literally no hassle at all - I guess having a husband and son garners respect. I would walk around there alone during the day without a second thought - however there are men who are arseholes the world over so just be aware.

Marrakech is wonderful, La Riad Yasmine is absolutely beautiful and owned by a young French couple if you're looking for somewhere gorgeous to stay. Great food - but eat at Limoni just down the road too because it's so pretty. I thought there was loads to see, Bahia palace, Saadian tombs, Majorelle gardens, the mosques, souks, Jemaa el-Fnaa square and so many great places to eat. Just don't eat at the Maccy D's at Jemaa el-Fnaa as we stupidly picked up a quick bite there and I got food poisoning.

Go, have a great time but dress conservatively, wear sunglasses, ignore cat callers, act confident and assertive, haggle hard.

CapturedLeprechaun · 28/12/2023 10:13

Would he be the same if you were going to Venice, or some other European city? If not, then it sounds like this comes from a place of genuine concern, and if you really want to go, I would be reassuring him about safety.

FWIW though I went to Marrakesh about 10 years ago in my early 20s with my sister who was the same age. I've travelled all over the world as a solo female traveller and can honestly say Marrakesh was the least safe place I've ever felt. Men would follow us around, shouting obscenities at us. They followed us back to our hotel and climbed over a fence to bang on our balcony door after dark yelling "come fuck us sexy bastards!". We couldn't leave the hotel after dark at all, and would sit there in the room in dark in silence, terrified.

We got a cab to the airport, ordered through the hotel, and the driver stopped off to pick up two of his friends who leered at us the whole time and we genuinely thought we would die. I remember saying I would never return there without a man to accompany me.

But that could be because we were much younger (and attractive back then 😂) and maybe as you age there might be less negative attention.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 28/12/2023 10:15

Well it’s not good for your marriage to have him give you ultimatums, and try to manipulate you.

I don’t think I could see a way back from this tbh

FlowerBarrow · 28/12/2023 10:19

a) no it’s not dangerous
b) ask yourself, if he genuinely thought it was dangerous, why would you still going make him question your marriage?

Conflating the two things make no sense unless he is in fact issuing an order which he expects you to obey?