Page 6 | To think Xmas is only great if you have a big, extended family.

Newchapterbeckons · 28/12/2023 12:19

Op I truly understand.

We hosted a Christmas Eve tea party with parents /friends and it was the best fun. We had a house full of excitement, parents drinking mulled wine, music for a good few years. All gone by 7pm so we could read to the children and get ready for Father Christmas. It’s not just family or nothing. There are so many options open to you with little children. Santa visits and steam trains on Christmas Eve etc etc.

As the parent the onus is on you to create the Christmases you want for your children and for yourself. Life moves on, not always in ways we would wish, we adjust and change accordingly.

The family Christmas may not be possible but other options are. It can be just as good or better. Friends can be your big family without the drama!

43ontherocksporfavor · 28/12/2023 12:21

@Newchapterbeckons good post.

OhmygodDont · 28/12/2023 13:36

I hate the Christmas where we go to the in-laws and our nice Christmas for five is then a loud Christmas for 12-14 people.

It’s loud and messy and the cousins are a wee bit feral, someone ends up getting hurt or at best just upset. Kids dragged away from their main gifts to be somewhere for a dinner that’s always late, one won’t even touch the food and so there’s always comments, then you can’t leave too early as that’s rude but then I just want to go to bed because it’s just exhausting by the time I get home and that’s it Christmas is gone.

thecatsthecats · 28/12/2023 13:49

Nah, I'm a "Christmas is a season" person.

Larger get togethers with either side of the family during the month, a get together with friends, sure, but I like the intimacy of just immediate family on Christmas Day.

We have a new baby this year, and it was great with just me, my husband, baby and my parents. I was comfy wandering around the whole time braless and feeding on demand, and baby could chill out without having a million relatives jabbing him or wanting to play.

mottytotty · 28/12/2023 13:55

The last few years my family has been through a lot and the stuff with the extended family doesn’t seem to happen anymore sadly so for the last few years we see my parents a little bit due to mental health in their house, it’s not the big celebration it used to be and we often don’t even know if we can go round there.

I bet those big family Christmas gatherings were most likely arranged by long suffering women.

I’m glad they have stopped doing the tiring work just so you can have happy gatherings.

I notice you have made no mention of hosting and inviting everyone yourself?

lollipoprainbow · 28/12/2023 14:53

I used to feel this as we have lost key family members over the years and our Christmases have been smaller. My dd11 is autistic so can't cope with lots of people so it suits us fine to have people pop in but not stay too long.

Original poster

IgnoranceNotOk · 28/12/2023 15:05

mottytotty · 28/12/2023 13:55

The last few years my family has been through a lot and the stuff with the extended family doesn’t seem to happen anymore sadly so for the last few years we see my parents a little bit due to mental health in their house, it’s not the big celebration it used to be and we often don’t even know if we can go round there.

I bet those big family Christmas gatherings were most likely arranged by long suffering women.

I’m glad they have stopped doing the tiring work just so you can have happy gatherings.

I notice you have made no mention of hosting and inviting everyone yourself?

Would love this except the main people I want to come and love cannot currently as they are 24hr caring for someone. One of them can pop in for a short time if things aren’t too bad.

I have referenced why in my comments.

I wish it was as simple as me just hosting

OP posts:

Original poster

IgnoranceNotOk · 28/12/2023 15:07

Newchapterbeckons · 28/12/2023 12:19

Op I truly understand.

We hosted a Christmas Eve tea party with parents /friends and it was the best fun. We had a house full of excitement, parents drinking mulled wine, music for a good few years. All gone by 7pm so we could read to the children and get ready for Father Christmas. It’s not just family or nothing. There are so many options open to you with little children. Santa visits and steam trains on Christmas Eve etc etc.

As the parent the onus is on you to create the Christmases you want for your children and for yourself. Life moves on, not always in ways we would wish, we adjust and change accordingly.

The family Christmas may not be possible but other options are. It can be just as good or better. Friends can be your big family without the drama!

Edited

Thank you.
This may be what has to happen in future but it doesn’t make it less sad. DH and I have talked about what to do next year if no improvement (the idea of which is heartbreaking) and my mum and I had a cry about it.

For now, I’ll hope for a Xmas with my parents and sibling next year and hope this year is an improvement.

OP posts:

Newchapterbeckons · 28/12/2023 18:54

IgnoranceNotOk · 28/12/2023 15:07

Thank you.
This may be what has to happen in future but it doesn’t make it less sad. DH and I have talked about what to do next year if no improvement (the idea of which is heartbreaking) and my mum and I had a cry about it.

For now, I’ll hope for a Xmas with my parents and sibling next year and hope this year is an improvement.

Show quote history

Op, as someone that has had to deal with my fair share of heartbreak around family and Christmas may I gently suggest acceptance rather than hope. It’s so painful each Christmas otherwise, and not fair on your children or dh.

Have a brilliant plan B ready so you are not hanging all hope on a change of circumstances. Have a plan for the full three days so you are not left bereft again.

Start to focus on your own family and children rather than looking to your parents and siblings. You can’t have a big family Christmas potentially but what can you do to make things fun and lovely for next year? Pressure and expectations are key here - your babies should be your number one priority, especially at Christmas, and it’s just one day of the whole year after all. 💐

TheaBrandt · 28/12/2023 19:00

It is lovely having a big extended family Christmas but agree with motty it is a huge amount of work for the hosts. I think if you've never hosted Christmas for 15 plus you just won't understand. Who facilitated those happy Christmases you remember?

Newchapterbeckons · 28/12/2023 19:07

Just to add it’s a choice.

Do you want your own children’s Christmases marred by a sad and upset mother wishing for something that isn’t possible, or a happy mother making the most of what she has?

I found it really boiled down to that. I cried quietly and then put my feelings to one side for the benefit of everyone else. I had counselling to find comfort and acceptance and deep down I realised I was unable to change what was happening to my family, but I could change my reaction and shape my own children’s Christmases to be special for them and create happy memories for future generations . No stress Christmases.

This year we are waiting for cancer results for dh. It’s the lowest I have felt in a long time. A shadow over everything. Both dc were completely laid up with covid and my family well, that’s a long and very painful story. Yes it’s hard to be brave and not allow the bitter disappointment get the better of me, but I held it together for my kids and I am saving for a surprise trip for them to make up for all that was lost this year.

moggerhanger · 28/12/2023 19:12

Maybe the difference is that some of us don't have the option. My family is DH and 2 DC. No siblings, parents or PIL (either dead, non-existent or in a care home with dementia). Every year is a lockdown Christmas for us, where we don't see anyone else between Xmas Eve and NYD unless we muscle in on friends (who are usually engaged with their own families). It can feel very cabin feverish at times.

moggerhanger · 28/12/2023 19:22

thatsnotmycateither · 28/12/2023 10:03

Lots of examples here of ‘smaller’ Christmas celebrations but where there are still additional people to those who live in your house every day.

It’s just us (DH, kids and I) and we had a lovely day but it wasn’t really that different to any other weekend albeit with presents and nicer food. For me, it’s not that it’s not a lovely day or I don’t love them and their company but the absence or loss feels very close.

Everyone else is naturally with their families and you become very aware that you are not part of that and don’t have that. It’s a strange feeling to message friends who usually respond and they don’t because of course they’re busy with family. Am absolutely not saying they should respond, but it brings it home that you’re quite alone in the world in comparison.

Of course, families can be hard work or harmful. Other people have no one or are experiencing health issues, trauma, loss etc etc. I spent a lot of time trying to focus on what was positive and everything we did have … But it’s still very weird and it’s hard not to feel that loss or emptiness at this time of year.

I think social media and expectation plays a huge role there though and as I said to a friend - I didn’t have to do a single thing I didn’t want to or put up with anyone who was difficult!

Exactly this.

Newchapterbeckons · 28/12/2023 19:31

moggerhanger · 28/12/2023 19:12

Maybe the difference is that some of us don't have the option. My family is DH and 2 DC. No siblings, parents or PIL (either dead, non-existent or in a care home with dementia). Every year is a lockdown Christmas for us, where we don't see anyone else between Xmas Eve and NYD unless we muscle in on friends (who are usually engaged with their own families). It can feel very cabin feverish at times.

That sounds so difficult, can you save up and go away somewhere busy?

A winter cruise is very sociable or the theme parks offer good rates for collective fun.
Failing that depending on the age of your dc throw various Christmas sleepovers. I find post Christmas, people are more than happy to offload their off spring. Boxing Day sales are fun and busy places.
A London day out?

It’s a tricky time of year.

HikingforScenery · 28/12/2023 19:35

We spend christmas at home, just DH , DC and I. We love it. One DC said it’s been perfect and I agree. We just spend it appreciating all that we’ve been blessed with. We went to visit family on boxing day and are back chilling at home, taking it easy and spending time together.

mydogspooeybum · 28/12/2023 19:36

YABU

moggerhanger · 28/12/2023 19:38

Thanks @Newchapterbeckons. We do try to do something outside the house (Xmas Day parkrun, a panto, London trip) which helps break it all up. And the kids say they enjoy our quiet Christmases. I feel sad that the only presents under the tree are from us, and that there's nobody else to enjoy things with, but it is what it is. We have our own little traditions and try to make the most of things.

Newchapterbeckons · 28/12/2023 19:53

moggerhanger · 28/12/2023 19:38

Thanks @Newchapterbeckons. We do try to do something outside the house (Xmas Day parkrun, a panto, London trip) which helps break it all up. And the kids say they enjoy our quiet Christmases. I feel sad that the only presents under the tree are from us, and that there's nobody else to enjoy things with, but it is what it is. We have our own little traditions and try to make the most of things.

The thing is your children don’t have anything to compare it to, this is what Christmas is for them, and it’s anaxjnh with so many gifts under the tree!. Exciting days out and their parents full attention. Kids often just love unfettered, focused attention by loving parents. Perhaps the greatest gift of all.
Your love.
Your undivided attention for one week a year.

Now I look at this through the eyes of children it feels like a blessing to have the gift of undivided time. So rare these days.

Newchapterbeckons · 28/12/2023 19:59

That felt like a breakthrough for me at least. What if we reframe Christmas to be a week of undivided love and attention for our children - nothing else required? Imagine what that might mean to them. What Christmas would mean to them? Love, time and days and days of attention. Time that isn’t wasted by days of cleaning, cooking and serving people you see very little of apart from at Christmas. There is something in that.

swallowsflying · 28/12/2023 20:00

God no! I only ever spend Christmas with my immediate family ( H and kids). I love it!

eatdrinkandbemerry · 28/12/2023 20:03

No I'm done with extended family Christmases !
The best have always been just with my partner and children and grandchildren

BingoWings85 · 28/12/2023 20:07

It goes to show how different we all are. We spent Christmas at home - me, DH and our two DC - and I’ve honestly never felt so happy and grateful.

But I was talking to a friend whose husband feels as you do. To him a Christmas like ours would just be another day at home. I don’t understand it and can’t relate to it but then I did grow up in a small family.

SiennaMillar · 28/12/2023 20:22

Yes, I agree. It just felt like any other day, but with a heck of a lot more cooking, housework, and mess. We set our alarms at the same time as every day, to protect the baby’s routine, and the day revolved around her needs. We did have some nice food.

I have fond memories of big family Christmases during childhood - but I now sadly see that it was only joyful because I was a blissfully ignorant child, and the family were, in fact, dysfunctional.

I did experience the big, jolly, proper Christmas once, with a huge extended family all having dinner and games together. Decades ago at an ex’s house - it was like the movies, and I still remember it, bitter-sweetly. That’s what Christmas should be like.

I want to go abroad next year, but don’t have the funds.

Newchapterbeckons · 28/12/2023 20:23

So we are really saying whatever Christmas we grew up with - extended family or not will define how we see Christmas. If we are used to loud big Christmas that is what we think it’s all about, if we grow up with magical intimate Christmases focused on quality time and attention that is what we will like once we are adult

Its conditioning.
Phenomenology.
Pure perception.

Booksandwine80 · 28/12/2023 20:31

It’s what you make it. Christmas Day is fast becoming a tradition of just me DH and DD. After the one we just had I would not have it any other way, it was perfection 💕🎄