To think Xmas is only great if you have a big, extended family.

[IgnoranceNotOk]

Just that really…
I grew up spending Xmas day and Boxing Day with aunts and uncles, cousins and grandparents and even as a young adult we did the same with lots of drinks and silly games.

The last few years my family has been through a lot and the stuff with the extended family doesn’t seem to happen anymore sadly so for the last few years we see my parents a little bit due to mental health in their house, it’s not the big celebration it used to be and we often don’t even know if we can go round there.

I’m finding it really hard as I used to love Xmas and I know I need to count my blessings that I have DH and the kids and can watch them enjoy it but I just feel a bit lonely.

Hopefully it’ll be a healthier, better year for my family and next Xmas will be more together.

One my favorite Christmas was just me and my BF at the time.

but I can see how a big family Xmas can be fun, I couldn’t do that every year but once every few years would be ok

I spent Christmas on my own this year and it was blissful.

Make a WhatsApp group, now, with everyone old enough to have a phone in it, and use it to thank them for coming, but you feel sad you didn’t get more time to interact with the littles, so next year, we need to shake things up: you will provide the space and the loo rolls/tinfoil/leccy and gas and also clean bedding for the non-drivers. Who wants to bring which out of the following:
turkey

ham
veg
white wine
red wine
beer
fizz

And who wants to cook next year, as you won’t be. Everyone who can needs to bring their own towels and bedding. Do it. This is not a dinner party: this is family and some people need bossing around before they’ll pitch in.

Same for us. Huge family Christmas growing up with uncles, aunts, great uncles, great aunts, grandparents. Noisy and fun. Lots of visits and games.
Now it’s just DH and me and the shadow of infertility, and I try and make it special with food and decorations etc but it’s so so silent. I hate Christmas now, and have spent more than 10 years trying to find a way to make it special with just us, but it isn’t anymore.

I feel you.
It’s a very sad & lonely time of year for me too for what sounds like similar reasons.
Im just glad it’s over.

I love our Christmases but I miss the big family ones of my childhood. My brother, sil and nephew live in Canada so it’s just us and my parents - which has been lovely but it’s not the same. Db mentioned they may come here next Christmas. I really really hope they do.

I think the big extended gatherings are great if most people rub along ok, people help the hosts and don't expect to be waited on and contribute and usually if there are some cute little ones in the mix- this isn't always the case though by a long way- see many of the Xmas threads on here for details.

I'd love just me dh and kids but we always have my dad and sister. Then on Boxing Day we go in-laws. Leaving in-laws tomorrow I can't wait!

Just being curious - what are the ‘traditional Xmas outdoor games’ in your home country?

I do not agree.
I have spent many many very lovely Christmases with just my parents and my brother!

Op we don't have that and have wondeful Xmas

100% disagree. I love it just being us chilling at home, playing games and eating yummy foods. Don't mind the odd visitor for a bit (not too long mind). I visited my friends and family in the days leading up to Xmas so that the duty was done and we could relax, no arguments or resentments.

Completely disagree. Since I met my DH 12 years ago we spent Christmas together just the 2 of us until DS came along. Couldn't think of anything worse than being surrounded by loads of loud annoying people. We get invited elsewhere most years but always decline

OP. If it's very important to you to have a big Christmas gathering you will have to tell your children to please find partners as soon as they are adults, and then proceed to have at least 5 children each.
If you have at least two children, that will equal 10 grandchildren.
Then tell the grandchildren to find partners as soon as they are adults.
When all your grandchildren are adults with partners, you will have a Christmas celebration with at least 26 people.
Congratulations! Only then will Christmas be truly great.

/Sarcasm

I agree,I've just had a lovely Xmas just the 3 of us.

I think it's possible to have a great time either way.

Growing up we had the big, noisy family Christmas with cousins every year, and we've done that twice since having kids ourselves (more cousins each year!) But equally we had lovely relaxing Christmases at home with just the three of us during the COVID years, and last year when I was days from giving birth to DS.

We also spent one pre-kids Christmas in a holiday cottage with friends, going for walks and playing games which was lovely too. It really is what you make it.

Not true. Just Me, dh, I8 yr old ds and mum now and we always have a lovely Christmas.

We never had huge christmases but with 4 siblings and often aunts or GPs my younger Christmas Days were often quite hectic. In my 20s we all left home but had a couple where we all went back to my parents and it was brilliant! My family love games and we'd have trivial pursuit, charades etc.

Since getting married and having 2 DC we have always had it quiet at home with MIL. We open presents, eat lunch, watch the Queen/King (or granny does) then watch other stuff all afternoon while the children play with their presents. It was easy with young kids and totally stress free. So I suppose it's horses for courses.....

DCs are now mid teens and I imagine things will change again in the not too distant future. I suppose we can always be nostalgic for past Christmases, but things do move on. Hopefully one day I'll be the decrepit old nan causing mayhem at someone else's house......😂😂😂

I disagree. My immediate family is just my DH, my DB and his partner and child. This Christmas has been a great balance of being all together and being just me and DH.

Nope, I loathe the big extended family thing, leaves me completely peopled out by about 4pm on Christmas day.

Best Christmas I ever had was just me, DP DD, and my brother and his wife. We had loads of fun, but it wasn't completely overwhelming like a huge bash is.

I'm the total opposite OP, I adore it being just DH and DC, we have the day just as we like it and have so many lovely traditions. Its my favourite time of year. I dread having to share it with anyone 😆

We do see extended family between and new year, and it's nice to see them etc but I'm happy it's just us on the day. I grew up eith big family Christmasses, and have some fond memories, but I'm actually am introvert much to my surprise.

Could you try and reframe it, create some new traditions, or incorporate some from previous ones you've enjoyed?

@IgnoranceNotOk

I completely disagree, and I think you're remembering childhood Christmases with fondness and loveliness, because that's how you perceived it as a child! What about your mother and the other women in the family who had to do all the grunt work and all the peeling and the chopping and the cooking and the baking and all the washing up and cleaning up after, while the men fucked off down to the pub?! (Or sat in front of the TV!) Coz that is what happens in most families.

It's all very well saying 'wouldn't it be great to have 15-20 people for a big, massive Christmas dinner and 'fun party?' But the fact is, somebody has to do all the work to produce this wonderful Hallmark Christmas movies type of scenario. And yes, it's nearly always the bloody women doing it? (And someone has to pay for it too!) Dinner for 17 anyone.... ?! Who is paying for it?! Everyone coming gonna chip in? Yeah right, like THAT will happen! You are also assuming EVERYONE will get on!

You have a very romanticised and airy-fairy version of great, big extended family Christmases in your head, because it's what you remember as a child. (Even though they may not have been like this, and were very likely just people popping in...)

If you were having to host - and pay for - and provide for 15-20 family members all over Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, and Boxing Day, you wouldn't think it was so amazing.

I know a couple of people who had 10 to 13 people staying, over the last three or four days and they've been driven absolutely batshit with stress. They waved goodbye to them all today and both of them said they could not wait to see the back of them. It's been the most stressful 3 or 4 days of their life.

As a previous poster said, it's also extremely offensive to say that you can't have fun, and a lovely happy joyful Christmas if you are a childfree couple - or have one child or two children, and it's just you/your DH, and the kids. I find it quite depressing that a few posters on here have said 'it was just me and DH and the kids and it was really dull and boring!'

WTAF?! Do people really have such a serious lack of imagination, and such a boring, tedious life that they can't think of anything to do with their partner and their kids over Christmas?

When my kids were little (they're in their 20s now,) we used to go to Christmas tree farms, we'd go and see Santa, we'd go a nativity, to a panto, to Christmas lights switch-ons, to Christingle, and to Carol services. We would go driving around looking all the Christmas lights in all the towns. We go to the indoor shopping centres, we'd make Christmas cards, we'd play games, we'd watch multiple Christmas movies, we'd go to the cinema, and we'd spent a couple of days decorating all around the house and decorating the tree, we'd go for lovely walks, and we would bake cakes and do crafting (making Christmas stuff.) etc etc etc...

Now our kids are grown and left, me and my husband do lots of the same stuff. All the fun stuff. We're nearly 60 now and we're like a couple of five year olds. Ran around a local Christmas tree farm for 2 hours the other week, went to a panto, went to a theatre show in Birmingham, played Monopoly, and several card games, and scrabble, made some Christmas cards, went to a nativity, went to 2 Christmas Church services, and went to 3 Christmas lights switch-ons. (And many other fun things!) We have the best fun together. Just the two of us.

Yes, we still celebrate with our adult children and their spouses a bit; we go to a show with them, or out for a nice meal around 18th December, and we see them on Christmas day, and have our Christmas dinner together, or a buffet, (and play a couple of games with them too... like Cards Against Humanity.) But for 90% of Christmas it is just me and DH. And I absolutely fucking love it. So does he.

The big hallmark movie family Christmas that you're romanticising about is just a fantasy for probably 97% of people in reality. Most people don't have it - and the ones that do find it really stressful and really expensive... You only have to trawl through the AIBU, CHAT, and RELATIONSHIPS boards here to see a myriad of threads featuring stressed and frazzled women who have had a shit Christmas because of extended family and their demands... The Waltons family Christmas is basically a fantasy for most.

.

Wanted to add, when my kids were little we would go see 5-6 extended family members for an hour or two in mid December, and see their grandparents on Christmas Eve and swap presents with them, but for the most part it was the four of us.

Totally agree but agree also if you prefer quiet ones or never had memories of lots of people round you may not!

This is something I’ve struggled with for many years since being disowned by my entire family (complicated saga). Hardest time of the year. Never gets any easier.

The Christmases of my childhood and my older DC’s childhoods were exciting, busy and chaotic with loads of extended family (parents, 7 siblings, their partners and their DC, grandmother and family friends who grew up with us). DC were given lots of attention and always had lots of cousins to play with. Plenty of games and singing. On the surface, and more importantly, for my DC it was great.

For the last 14 years since older DC were young teens/pre teens, it’s just been us though. No family presents for DC, no Happy Christmas texts, no contact at all. Younger DC was born afterwards so has no memories of that but I still feel bad that he didn’t grow up with Christmas’s like that.

DH’s family don’t bother with us either for different reasons (non practicing Muslim background). Never really celebrated it until I married DH and started doing presents for their DC which they never reciprocated to ours. They know we celebrate it (I’m English) but can’t even bring themselves to send a merry Christmas text but expect me to celebrate Eid with them. We invited them a few years but they couldn’t be bothered to travel out of London (we live just outside the M25)!

We’ve have our own traditions and go all out with tonnes of presents, games, loads of food etc but it’s not the same. My mother’s enduring punishment for finally standing up to her which I don’t regret except for this time of year!

If they suddenly weren't with you anymore you'd give anything to have the three of you together for the day again.

Stop taking it all for granted. More people can equal more arguments too.