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Original poster

To think Xmas is only great if you have a big, extended family.

153 replies

IgnoranceNotOk · 27/12/2023 22:45

Just that really…
I grew up spending Xmas day and Boxing Day with aunts and uncles, cousins and grandparents and even as a young adult we did the same with lots of drinks and silly games.

The last few years my family has been through a lot and the stuff with the extended family doesn’t seem to happen anymore sadly so for the last few years we see my parents a little bit due to mental health in their house, it’s not the big celebration it used to be and we often don’t even know if we can go round there.

I’m finding it really hard as I used to love Xmas and I know I need to count my blessings that I have DH and the kids and can watch them enjoy it but I just feel a bit lonely.

Hopefully it’ll be a healthier, better year for my family and next Xmas will be more together.

OP posts:
Original poster
IgnoranceNotOk · 28/12/2023 09:28

Helenahandkart · 27/12/2023 23:28

Same for us. Huge family Christmas growing up with uncles, aunts, great uncles, great aunts, grandparents. Noisy and fun. Lots of visits and games.
Now it’s just DH and me and the shadow of infertility, and I try and make it special with food and decorations etc but it’s so so silent. I hate Christmas now, and have spent more than 10 years trying to find a way to make it special with just us, but it isn’t anymore.

So sorry you’ve gone through all this.
We went through IVF so I can relate to that side of things.
I hope you and DH have been kind to yourselves this Xmas x

OP posts:
lavenderlou · 28/12/2023 09:28

Also, it's hard enough making and serving Christmas Dinner for a few people so.must be very stressful for a large group.

Sometimes I think it must be nice if you have extended family close by and can visit for a bit in the morning or evening. Or for a short time on Boxing Day. I've never experienced that as have never lived near extended family.

Oganesson118 · 28/12/2023 09:29

I think there's an ideal presented to us via films, tv and social media that big family christmases are magical and everyone gets on but I think the reality is very different. There's part of me that would love to spend a Christmas with some of the cousins but there are some personalities in that crowd that would probably cause arguments or tense silences!

BeaRF75 · 28/12/2023 09:29

Completely disagree - did you read all the complaints about families on here? It is only ever 2 of us at Christmas and we either go on holiday or have a calm, relaxed day at home. This year, I enjoyed a couple of hours drinking coffee and reading in bed on Xmas morning - totally stress-free and relaxing. What's not to like?

DocOck · 28/12/2023 09:31

Oh god no. My ideal Christmas is just me and the kids. Families cause so much grief. My parents weren't even with me and still tried to ruin my day. I could quite happily live in a little festive bunker. An extended family Christmas is my worst nightmare.

AuntieMarys · 28/12/2023 09:32

BeaRF75 · 28/12/2023 09:29

Completely disagree - did you read all the complaints about families on here? It is only ever 2 of us at Christmas and we either go on holiday or have a calm, relaxed day at home. This year, I enjoyed a couple of hours drinking coffee and reading in bed on Xmas morning - totally stress-free and relaxing. What's not to like?

Exactly! My idea of hell being with lots of people especially young children, noise, chaos, no privacy... we have a very busy December doing fun stuff but Xmas Day and Boxing Day it's just the 2 of us.

CeciliaMars · 28/12/2023 09:33

It depends on the extended family. To be honest, my Christmas has been a nightmare because my husband's huge network of family and friends are all such complicated nutters! Gatherings for over 20 people I find very hard work makes for a very un-relaxing Christmas. I'm finding myself hankering after a small, nuclear family Christmas next year!

Original poster
IgnoranceNotOk · 28/12/2023 09:34

Newchapterbeckons · 28/12/2023 09:23

A big family Christmas if everyone gets on is lovely - and a small family Christmas with little children can be just as magical. A small Christmas with pre teens and teens can be hard work. Exacerbated by poor mental health, it must be very sad op in comparison to the Christmases you remember when everyone lived close by.

I think the answer might be to do something completely different. Go away for Christmas, have a party with friends. Plan it differently next year. It no longer works for whatever reason, but that can change.

My friends and are slowly losing parents now, and it definitely changes the dynamic! Embrace it, chop it up - meet your social needs in a way you can access easily in your life. Your feelings are entirely valid op.

Edited

Thank you - this made me well up!

OP posts:
Original poster
IgnoranceNotOk · 28/12/2023 09:36

tescocreditcard · 28/12/2023 08:59

Surely the answer is to just invite everyone round.

I wish I could!
Trying to do what’s best for my family so one then doesn’t end up in mental health crisis again means they can’t come at the moment as things are too fragile.

OP posts:
Newchapterbeckons · 28/12/2023 09:37

I think for a Christmas to feel special something out of the ordinary needs to happen. Either family you don’t often see, a magical experience or something different to a roast with trimmings and a few presents. Quite how you achieve it, depends on your tastes and interests.

There is life after big family Christmases.
You need to find new ways to weave some fun and magic.

You also have to factor in the nostalgic feelings of a child that are playing out now as you look back, and remember most children see it that way whatever their Christmases were like ( I wonder if your mother shares the same memories or whether it was back breaking and hard work for the women in the family to produce!)

EmmaGrundyForPM · 28/12/2023 09:37

There's usually just us (me, DH, adult DS1 and DS2) plus my mum. DH is an only child, my sister lives in Australia. However, this year we had my niece visiting from Oz with her boyfriend, and my mum's partner came to so there were 8 of us.

In some ways it was lovely but it was also hard work producing 3 meals a day for 8 people for 4 days. Plus we have a 3 bed house so DS1 and DS2 had to sleep on airbeds in the lounge and dining room, which meant their stuff was everywhere.

I think large extended family Christmases maybe work best when everyone lives near each other. When people live at distances from.each other and have to stay over it becomes trickier with more potential for arguments.

Bloobloo · 28/12/2023 09:38

Yes, same here. I grew up having large celebrations with aunties, uncles, cousins, grandparents etc but now it’s just DH, kids and I on Christmas Day and we see my parents on Boxing Day. My family has dwindled and is tiny and DH only sees his Mum and that’s it. It does seem like everyone has these huge families and massive family gatherings at Christmas.

Original poster
IgnoranceNotOk · 28/12/2023 09:38

Newchapterbeckons · 28/12/2023 09:26

It does feel like pp are not listening. Seeing parents and siblings IS a big family Christmas that she wants. She is not talking about masses of extended family.

Show quote history

Exactly this.

DH, DS1&2 and DPs and sibling would be the world to us right now.

OP posts:
Newchapterbeckons · 28/12/2023 09:39

Op you sound so sad. I think it’s more than just Christmas but the situation you are all in. Christmas only serves to highlight the pain and the difference.

SilverGlitterBaubles · 28/12/2023 09:40

I love my family but the idea of spending Christmas with them all makes me shudder. The hyper overexcited kids who make a mess and have no respect for my home, the huge expectation for everything to be perfect, the expense and the effort involved when I am completely exhausted anyway. Everyone sitting on the arses having a nice time while I run around. Then MIL will probably drop something controversial into conversation just to stir it all up and cause an argument. No thank you, been there done that, give me a quiet calm Christmas anytime.

MissGroves · 28/12/2023 09:41

I would love a big joyous Xmas with extended family - like you see on tv/in the movies. I've never had that and now won't as my children are autistic and can't cope with other people in the house.

PumpkinPie2016 · 28/12/2023 09:41

Personally, I disagree. We don't have a huge extended family, nor do all family members get together on the same day but we all have a lovely time.

My brother is not local and in the military so can't come home for Christmas usually. This year, his house was him, his wife, their 2 children plus his MIL and wife's sister. 6 in total and they had a lovely day. Sent us some lovely pictures of them just enjoying the day.

My parents are local to me so could come for Christmas day. That said, they have had careers in nursing and the police so usually one or other has had to work. This year they are both retired and decided they wanted to have a Christmas together in their own home. A couple who they are very good friends with visited in the morning. My parents had a lovely Christmas day.

Me, DH and DS(10) were home, just the three of us, until we went to SiLs at 3.30pm for Christmas Dinner. It was lovely- we had a nice morning doing presents and spending time with ds. At SiLs there was us, sil, her DH and 2 adult sons. We had a lovely time.

My parents came boxing day and stayed the night and we had a great time. They enjoyed playing with ds with his new toys and spending time with us.

We have friends and their 3dc coming today for lunch which we are really looking forward to.

So, no big gatherings but we have all had a wonderful Christmas. I have loved seeing people in small groups when you can actually chat to everyone and hear yourself think. Everyone has chipped in with the work everywhere so no one did it all.

Tomorrow we are going on a steam train/out for lunch just the three of us and then a few nice, quiet days just us three at home until my dad's birthday on the 2nd. I'm looking forward to that just as much - it will be blissful.

I think it's what you make of it. I also think we are sold this idea of a massive family Christmas and it all being blissful but the reality can be very different. It's a huge amount of work for the hosts and can be very expensive.

Newchapterbeckons · 28/12/2023 09:43

PumpkinPie2016 · 28/12/2023 09:41

Personally, I disagree. We don't have a huge extended family, nor do all family members get together on the same day but we all have a lovely time.

My brother is not local and in the military so can't come home for Christmas usually. This year, his house was him, his wife, their 2 children plus his MIL and wife's sister. 6 in total and they had a lovely day. Sent us some lovely pictures of them just enjoying the day.

My parents are local to me so could come for Christmas day. That said, they have had careers in nursing and the police so usually one or other has had to work. This year they are both retired and decided they wanted to have a Christmas together in their own home. A couple who they are very good friends with visited in the morning. My parents had a lovely Christmas day.

Me, DH and DS(10) were home, just the three of us, until we went to SiLs at 3.30pm for Christmas Dinner. It was lovely- we had a nice morning doing presents and spending time with ds. At SiLs there was us, sil, her DH and 2 adult sons. We had a lovely time.

My parents came boxing day and stayed the night and we had a great time. They enjoyed playing with ds with his new toys and spending time with us.

We have friends and their 3dc coming today for lunch which we are really looking forward to.

So, no big gatherings but we have all had a wonderful Christmas. I have loved seeing people in small groups when you can actually chat to everyone and hear yourself think. Everyone has chipped in with the work everywhere so no one did it all.

Tomorrow we are going on a steam train/out for lunch just the three of us and then a few nice, quiet days just us three at home until my dad's birthday on the 2nd. I'm looking forward to that just as much - it will be blissful.

I think it's what you make of it. I also think we are sold this idea of a massive family Christmas and it all being blissful but the reality can be very different. It's a huge amount of work for the hosts and can be very expensive.

Another that spectacularly missed the point…

Crikeyalmighty · 28/12/2023 09:44

@FreshWinterMorning absolutely- I sometimes think fondly of these times which I had as a child and in my 1st marriage too and realise I am looking at it through the eyes of an under 30 not doing any of the work or paying for it!! I'm now 61 and wouldn't be able to tolerate the noise, mess and general level of work needed for anymore than around 6 people - you have to factor in partners too, your Xmas sounds great to me- my H would hate it, absolute aetheist , doesn't like cards or games, hates pantomime etc- so I do admit I find it a bit dull- but it's not because of lack of people .

Whaleandsnail6 · 28/12/2023 09:45

I disagree. Growing up there was only ever my parents and me and my sister, we didnt have a big extended family (grandparents passed away, parents siblings abroad) and we had a lovely time the 4 of us at Christmas, I look back on the memories of the 4 of us very fondly and I know my sister and parents did too.

We have a much bigger family now, and its still a lovely tim. In my experience,neither is better than the other just different .

KimberleyClark · 28/12/2023 09:47

MermaidMummy06 · 28/12/2023 09:27

My family often does the big, extended family Christmas lunch. Next year apparently it's even bigger (about 30 people).

It's great in a lot of ways, but not perfect. and sometimes I'd love a simple, easy Xmas with just DH & DC.

Edited

How the hell do you seat 30 people, unless you live in a big country house!

itllbedifferentnextyear · 28/12/2023 09:48

TruJay · 27/12/2023 23:00

Absolutely not! There was only us three kids and my mum growing up and we had the most wonderful Christmases, we were poor as hell too! My mum always made it so magical.

Now, we host my mum and my siblings every year, dh and I have kids as does one of my siblings, the other doesn’t. There’s 11 of us altogether now and it’s lovely but not ‘better’ than our childhood Christmases because there’s more of us.

Snap!

I remember Christmas as absolutely magical. Mum made it so special. She even rang little bells as we were falling asleep and we thought they were the reindeer. Us 3 kids got on great and enjoyed playing with each other and Mum loved it all. Dad was sometimes around, but not often. He ran a hotel so often stayed over there and their marriage wasn't good.

itllbedifferentnextyear · 28/12/2023 09:49

itllbedifferentnextyear · 28/12/2023 09:48

Snap!

I remember Christmas as absolutely magical. Mum made it so special. She even rang little bells as we were falling asleep and we thought they were the reindeer. Us 3 kids got on great and enjoyed playing with each other and Mum loved it all. Dad was sometimes around, but not often. He ran a hotel so often stayed over there and their marriage wasn't good.

Show quote history

We also had very little money, but that didn't stop us having a wonderful time.

Daisies12 · 28/12/2023 09:50

Not at all - it’s quite rude you’re suggesting that.

43ontherocksporfavor · 28/12/2023 09:52

Totally get you op. I’m one of 3 and DM one of 6 so we always got together over Christmas. Lots of noise, nothing fancy but just great fun as a child/ teen and young adult. Naturally couples form and people move away/ abroad / die and I really miss it. We have had some bigger Christmases and some just us 4 and it can feel a little flat . My young adult DC like to be with others too. This year we did and it was great. Nice for us and them to chat to lots of different adults in the family and young chn. Getting together with DH’s side tomorrow.