To think Xmas is only great if you have a big, extended family.

[IgnoranceNotOk]

Just that really…
I grew up spending Xmas day and Boxing Day with aunts and uncles, cousins and grandparents and even as a young adult we did the same with lots of drinks and silly games.

The last few years my family has been through a lot and the stuff with the extended family doesn’t seem to happen anymore sadly so for the last few years we see my parents a little bit due to mental health in their house, it’s not the big celebration it used to be and we often don’t even know if we can go round there.

I’m finding it really hard as I used to love Xmas and I know I need to count my blessings that I have DH and the kids and can watch them enjoy it but I just feel a bit lonely.

Hopefully it’ll be a healthier, better year for my family and next Xmas will be more together.

I disagree. Our Christmas is always small (just the 3 of us) and it's great. DD loves it too.

I hated the big gatherings as a kid ,because something would always go wrong and I was overlooked for days before(including for my bday) because "we have to get ready for Christmas ". That might have more to do with the people involved though, rather than the number of them.

Just depends on what you like. When I was a child I always much preferred it when it was my immediate family for Christmas and I still prefer it quiet now. We still play games and have a laugh.

I find it really hard to enjoy myself when there are loads of people crammed into the house; it’s just too chaotic for me and I just want to go into hiding.

Can I ask what your mum did to make it feel so magical? Ours is also a small Christmas now and I need to make it better for my kids, who are conscious it’s not like it was with extended family

Lots of examples here of ‘smaller’ Christmas celebrations but where there are still additional people to those who live in your house every day.

It’s just us (DH, kids and I) and we had a lovely day but it wasn’t really that different to any other weekend albeit with presents and nicer food. For me, it’s not that it’s not a lovely day or I don’t love them and their company but the absence or loss feels very close.

Everyone else is naturally with their families and you become very aware that you are not part of that and don’t have that. It’s a strange feeling to message friends who usually respond and they don’t because of course they’re busy with family. Am absolutely not saying they should respond, but it brings it home that you’re quite alone in the world in comparison.

Of course, families can be hard work or harmful. Other people have no one or are experiencing health issues, trauma, loss etc etc. I spent a lot of time trying to focus on what was positive and everything we did have … But it’s still very weird and it’s hard not to feel that loss or emptiness at this time of year.

I think social media and expectation plays a huge role there though and as I said to a friend - I didn’t have to do a single thing I didn’t want to or put up with anyone who was difficult!

If DH wasn’t infertile I probably would have more kids! 😂
The thought of one of mine feeling all alone and without their family is one I hate. I know they could also have nothing to do with each other at Xmas or other times but I guess the more siblings you have, the more chance of being able to spend time with some family.

These are the big gatherings I’d love though. You’ve seen loads of family! ☺️

God no, I am the opposite! I have a biggish extended family but love our traditional “just the 5 of us Christmas day”.

Yep, reminds me of the Christmas episode of "Grumpy Old Women" where Jenny Eclair says about the Christmas togetherness adverts "Remember - these people are being PAID to pretend to like each other." 😂

Depends on the family. Other than my Mum, what family I have live away and it's not practical to stay with any due to lack of space. DH is one of four, they all speak to us but no eachother, so have to see them on separate days with is a real pain.

It's what you are used to.
We had magical Christmases growing up. My maternal grandmother lived in a huge Victorian monstrosity of a house. My parents would put us on the train, to go up several days before the 'big event'. The train journey was always the start of the fun. We had to change trains halfway through the journey, we'd be given some money so we could have lunch at the station cafe, which was a huge excitement as going to cafes was a massive treat (in the 70s). Granny would then pick us up at our arrival station in her 'kangaroo' car. (As an adult, I think granny probably wasn't very good at clutch control hence the kangerooing car!)
We'd have a forty minute journey to the old pile, and be met by several lovely dogs, cats and ridiculously friendly chickens.
The smell of wood smoke would fill the house, and the fires would be burning in the grates. Christmas Eve would then see my mums siblings arrive with their spouses and children in tow. And on Christmas Day my mum (and dad if he wasn't working) would arrive.
Granny taught us all how to make winter garlands to decorate the house, and we'd go on huge long walks collecting foliage, whilst she'd teach us the names of all the plants, and the wildlife around.
My siblings and I always had chores to do, but granny always made chores into a game. So yes my childhood Christmases were always lovely, exciting and great fun.
When my grandmother died, our Christmases changed but were still lovely as it was my siblings and mum (dad when not working) and then Boxing Day would normally involve meeting my aunts / uncles for a walk and pub lunch.
Christmases changed again once myself and siblings got married and / or had kids, but we'd still all meet up at some stage between Christmas and new year. Once my sister moved thousands of miles away, Christmas slightly lost its spirit (very close to dsis, where as dbros are slight twats.) then after my parents died it changed again. Now it's just me, dh and 2xdc.
Dh has limited contact with his family as they are incredibly difficult, and don't help his mental health, and I'm ambivalent about my brothers.
But I'm already excited about next year, as we're going to visit dsis and her family.
So yes I get it OP, for my dh and dc smaller (immediate) family Christmases are / will be the norm, because that's what they are used to, for me extended family Christmases were the norm, and change can be hard, part of me yearns for the previous Christmases. That's not to say I don't enjoy Christmas, it's just at Christmas I feel the loss of my parents more keenly.

No - the three of us is best. No arguing, no one to try to please or keep happy, not having to accommodate people who can't eat this or don't like that, not having to put things on tv we don't want or listen to music we don't like and no one getting too drunk or being a misery and ruining things.

We have pain au chocolat for breakfast, open some presents, I have a relaxing bath and read a mag, we play a game or two and then make lunch and have some sort of quiz while we eat, then open the rest of the presents and spend the rest of the day playing games, doing puzzles, watching Christmassy things and it's just a lovely day ending with an easy 'picky bits' tea.

After 4 days of extended family I’m kind of done and considering having a quiet Christmas next year (I won’t though, by next Christmas I’ll have forgotten how I’m feeling now). It’s been lovely but hectic and a lot of money and work. Also one of my sisters really annoyed me, nothing major but it’s the same every bloody year and it’s starting to grate, the rest are great though and I can’t invite all but her.

we’ve had a few Christmases just the 4 of us over the years. Tbh when the kids were small they were a bit quiet, but now I have older teens/young adults it can be very lively and fun without the extended family.

I’ll always invite the in-laws though as otherwise they wouldn’t see anyone (another thing that annoys me, DH has 2 sisters who live in the same village as his parents and yet never invite them for Christmas).

Yeah you’ve worded it much better than me. It’s this.

@IgnoranceNotOk
OP, I am sorry I was snarky with you.
It was just the title of your post made it sound like a "smaller" Christmas celebration is not worth having, and many many people love to celebrate Christmas with just the closest family. I am one of them.
Many people do not have a large extended family.
Many people are also completely alone on Christmas, by choice or involuntary.

Like previous posters wrote, it mostly comes down to what you are used to,
and how you grew up celebrating. I can understand that you long for the kind of Christmas celebrations you grew up with.

My mother grew up celebrating Christmas with parents, grandparents, several aunts and uncles, and a big bunch of cousins. They had a great time, but she also says that sometimes there were squabbles between the relatives, and that wasn't so much fun. My mother really enjoys calmer Christmas celebrations nowadays, with fewer people.

I wish you and your family a Merry Christmas (I celebrate until Saint Knut's Day),
and a Happy New Year!

I much preferred our quieter and smaller family Christmases to the noisy, way too many people at my ex in laws at Christmas. There you just couldn't relax at all. Everyone would be talking all at once, late ex Fil would be getting arsey because he couldn't hear the tv and then the tv would go up full volume. The men would all piss off mid morning to the pub leaving the women to stop at home and cook the Christmas dinner and then come back home once it was cooked. My ex and his family are disgusting pigs who think it's hilarious to fart and burp as loud as they can at every meal. All I can say is I'm glad I never have to have a another Christmas like that ever again.

There are definitely two sides to big Christmases.
The insta version and the real version!

My Christmasses growing up were bigger but small now.

A single parent friend has 3 adult daughters and a very small extended family and every year her eldest daughter (25) gets her down by complaining they don't have the seemingly picture perfect Christmasses her friends have with big get togethers and loads of presents exchanged. She'll send her mum pictures of food and ask can they have that for Christmas dinner. My friend's response now is "feel free to buy and bring it!" She'll also hint at wanting surprise gifts as well as the things she's asked for. Oddly she's not like this the rest of the year, just Christmas

It’s ok and I am just wallowing a bit.
I just thought this year would be better but the whole year has just kept on giving. I just want them well and so then feel selfish thinking of what I miss and how hard I’m finding it.

It’s reassuring that the kids, as they’re little, won’t notice any difference yet although they miss the family they used to see all the time as it’s so sporadic and when possible as someone always has to be home now.

If I had lots of money, I would book something and take the kids away for Xmas but then also the thought of changing traditions is also really upsetting because it’s like giving up the hope that mental health will get better and we’ll be like we were. 🤞

I did have a play date with a friend yesterday which was nice and we’re actually spending new years with friends and kids for the first time so I’m looking forward to that more than anything else this Xmas.
It’s just the main Xmas days where there isn’t anything you can replace family with because everyone is busy and everything is shut.

I long for a Christmas day with just my immediate family relaxing going at our own pace and not worry about making it nice for anyone else.

It sounds like you are nostalgic for your younger years and sad about your parents demise.

For every 'silly game' and family fun, there will have been someone in the kitchen (and the supermarket every day for 3 weeks before!) making your magic happen.

Now it's your turn to be the grown-up and make the magic for the next generation, who will look back fondly at their Christmasses and remember opening presents with you on Christmas morning and whatever fun traditions you create.

Granny doesn't want to host anymore and neither does great aunty. Perhaps you could invite the older relatives to yours?

I don't think it is the size of family in the OP's case so much as the things that have happened to break things up and the mental health issues that limit how much time even visits to grandparents can last. That is a completely different situation to having a smaller family who can get together and enjoy themselves as normal.

I will add OP that things don't have to be done the same way forever - if your parents are no longer able for a big Christmas, you can invite people to yours and start new routines of seeing each other. We have been through various permutations over the years, and I see this happen in my friends' families too as the generations change.

Parents would love to host or spend all of Xmas with us.
sibling mental health crisis has changed all of our lives the last year and a half.

sibling mental health crisis has changed all of our lives the last year and a half.

So nothing to do with family size, just a case of recognising that the venue needs to change and if the rest of you want to meet up this can continue to happen. I realise that might seem unfeeling the first year, just to move on, but it can be done gradually by inviting one lot for lunch, then another lot to drop by in the afternoon.

I used to feel like this. I’m an only child with no cousins. I have learnt to embrace how chilled our Christmases are. I think social media has a lot to answer for, everyone thinks others are having a better time.