Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How is it possible to find a husband when men treat women so badly?

122 replies

GlitterGlobe30 · 27/12/2023 21:56

How is it possible to date a man and get to the stage of getting engaged and married when men treat women so poorly?

Men tell sexist jokes and put women down all the time. They let the woman do all the cleaning and cooking and childcare meanwhile all men do is work. Men watch porn and bring the violent behaviours they watch to the bedroom. Men think they're better than women. Men view us merely as sex objects.

The list goes on and on and I've experienced all these things in my relationships with men. How on earth is it possible to find a man to marry when this is how men treat us?

For people who say this is not all men, I've been dating and in relationships with men for 13 years and yet to date a man who doesn't at least hit one of the points listed above! And that's far too many men whether I'm "picking the right ones" or not.

Thanks in advance for any words of advice - I'm at the end of my tether and starting to plan for being single forever 😕

OP posts:
Mothership4two · 27/12/2023 22:02

This is not my experience of men. None of our male friends and family are like this. DH isn't and neither are our two DS who we regularly get complimented on how lovely they are.

Sorry no advice other than they are out there

mynameiscalypso · 27/12/2023 22:03

I don't know a single man like that at all.

WandaWomblesaurus · 27/12/2023 22:05

I know plenty of men like this and unfortunately OP I can see your frustration. There are some good ones out there I'm sure but they might take a bit of finding.
Unfortunately the horror stories that my friends have endured through internet dating would make me not want to ever go that path again.

PurpleFlower1983 · 27/12/2023 22:07

You’re right that many men are like this but there are the odd few who buck the trend.

heatdeath · 27/12/2023 22:07

why would you want a husband if you believe that's how men treat women? I wouldn't!

SquirrelSoShiny · 27/12/2023 22:08

If I read this twenty years ago I would have rolled my eyes. Now, sadly, I can see why you're writing it. So many men seem utterly pathetic at best and downright dangerous at worst. The handful that are decent are already taken and even then a significant percentage have 'nearly-fatal' flaws.

I don't know what the solution is OP. I wish I did. Learn to like women as partners? I know two women who have recently come out as bisexual and are enjoying same sex relationships after years of depressing heterosexual relationships.

Justanything86 · 27/12/2023 22:08

I've had much the same experience as you op. Men that you think are lovely initially start bringing out these really unpleasant traits once they are comfortable. I'd even include family members I love in that unfortunately.

I've paused dating for the time being and accepted I may never have kids but I'd honestly rather that than go back to the treatment I've had.

CarterBeatsTheDevil · 27/12/2023 22:08

Mine doesn't do those things. Expect better and sooner or later you will get it. I didn't meet my DH until my 30s and spent most of my 20s single. It was worth waiting.

PriOn1 · 27/12/2023 22:11

Your plan to stay single forever is a good one. Get your life so it’s complete without anyone else, then if someone comes along who complements it, then give it a try. Make it clear from the start that you’re not going to stop socializing.

That’s what my most happily married friend tells me she did. She didn’t want children though, so if you do, it adds a layer of complication because of time constraints.

Whatever you do, don’t do what I did and settle, even though you know it’s not right.

CalistoNoSolo · 27/12/2023 22:12

I've been dating men for a lot longer than 13 years, and I just don't recognise your experience. Yes of course there are plenty of arseholes and bastards out there, but if you value yourself and you don't place having a boyfriend above everything else, it's easy to winnow out the chaff.

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/12/2023 22:13

heatdeath · 27/12/2023 22:07

why would you want a husband if you believe that's how men treat women? I wouldn't!

I think this is the key really. My husband isn’t like that at all. I know a couple of duffers but most of the men I know are good eggs.

Given your experiences it’s hard to see what you’re looking for or why you think life would be happy married to a man.

fluffiphlox · 27/12/2023 22:17

My husband of nearly 40 years is not like this nor are either of his brothers. His nephews are not like this. My father and his brothers were not like this. My male friends are not like this. The vast majority of men I have worked with over 44 years have not been like this. Of course men do demonstrate these traits and behaviours but you are clearly not meeting the wrong ones in the wrong places.

Justanything86 · 27/12/2023 22:22

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/12/2023 22:13

I think this is the key really. My husband isn’t like that at all. I know a couple of duffers but most of the men I know are good eggs.

Given your experiences it’s hard to see what you’re looking for or why you think life would be happy married to a man.

Show quote history

Thing is op (like myself) would be happy married too a good man. For a start if there's one thing that convinces me sexuality isn't a choice it's my continued attraction to men.

Maybe you've had better luck because of your social background / having experience of what a good man 'looks like' at a younger age when they are still avaliable. Low self esteem played a part in it early on too but I also grew up with a lot of negative messages about my value anyway.

FortheBeautyoftheEarth · 27/12/2023 22:22

I think it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy after a while. It did for me, so a long period of being happily single (by choice) did the trick. I noticed what I liked about the men that seemed decent (husbands of acquaintances etc:) and made a bit of...well not quite a checklist in my head, but certainly had a better idea of what a 'good' man looks like. You also have to be fair and reasonable and know the difference between an essentially decent but imperfect man and a complete arse. I guess what I'm saying is that nobody, male or female is without fault but it comes down to their values and intentions I guess.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 27/12/2023 22:29

My first advice would be to get off the internet. The good ones generally aren’t hanging out on SM.

Then I would advise to examine yourself to see what kind of man you are attracting. Sure there are some duds out there but the vast majority aren’t. If you keep ending up with duds ask why? it’s the idea that women who bitch that all men are broken but then have some sort of savior complex and thinks aha..I can fix him. Or the flashy ones and then complain they are shallow and narcissistic.

I had a personal rule when I was dating… I went out with any man that asked me. I thought it took a lot of courage to ask someone out and unless they raised the creepy flag I would give it a shot. A lot of times it never went past a first date, but I met a lot of great guys who I hoped went on to find the love of their life.

I had a couple of long term relationships that ended badly. C’est La vie I hope they too found someone special.

Last, I’d advise to stop looking. You clearly are not in the right place to be in a relationship if you’re ready to write off the whole male species. Anyone you do meet no matter how good they are you will be looking for that ‘see I was right’ moment.

ActDottie · 27/12/2023 22:30

This is not my experience of men. YABU for stereotyping all men in this way.

SuspiciousSue · 27/12/2023 22:31

There’s definitely blokes out there who aren’t like that.

Original poster
GlitterGlobe30 · 27/12/2023 22:31

ActDottie · 27/12/2023 22:30

This is not my experience of men. YABU for stereotyping all men in this way.

I'm not stereotyping. This is my real life experience with men.

OP posts:
flowerchild2000 · 27/12/2023 22:31

All I can say is me too.

Justanything86 · 27/12/2023 22:33

I was about to say this too this is every experience I've had even when I actively think I'm making careful choices to avoid it. It doesn't seem like stereotyping to me, I didn't start off this negative.

MotherOfRatios · 27/12/2023 22:34

You'll find a lot of women on here will say that's not the men I know but a lot of people let sexism etc fly over their heads.

Finding a feminist man is hard

Mrsttcno1 · 27/12/2023 22:36

Where are you finding these men OP?

This hasn’t been my experience, DH is nothing like this, so they do exist!

XenoBitch · 27/12/2023 22:36

I have known awful men, and have gone out with my share. But I have had some lovely male friends (and my own brother) who have suffered in the hands of awful women too.

Humans are awful.

ActDottie · 27/12/2023 22:37

GlitterGlobe30 · 27/12/2023 22:31

I'm not stereotyping. This is my real life experience with men.

Show quote history

It is stereotyping because you’ve referred to “men” in your post.

My husband, my brother, my father, my FIL, my friends’ partners are not like this. But you’ve even said in your post “for people who say not all men are like this…” and essentially dismissed this before you’ve even heard other’s examples and tbh it sounds like you don’t even want to hear other people’s experiences of men unless they align with your stereotypical views.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 27/12/2023 22:38

GlitterGlobe30 · 27/12/2023 22:31

I'm not stereotyping. This is my real life experience with men.

Show quote history

Then as my statistics professor would say, you have a problem with your sample.

I’m not being flippant, with that.

Where have you met these men?
What makes them attractive to you to begin with?
What are your values?
Where would men with similar values be?