To speak my own language to my child despite what my PIL think

[imnotfromroundhere]

I'm from Country X but I moved here when I was 14 so effectively speak fluent English and I'm fully bilingual. I realise what a privilege it is and want my children to be bilingual too.

I've got 2 DDs - 2.5yrs and 7mo. The youngest one doesn't speak, the older one speaks X language better (says mini phrases in X but only single words in English). We've committed to doing one parent one language so I speak only X to them and my husband speaks only English. I'm a SAHM, neither goes to nursery, DH works full time so mostly they're just around me.

DH is close to his family so we see them about once a month. Every time I speak to either of my DDs in X they give me a look as if to say "huh?" or "you doing it again?" (Ie speaking in a language we don't understand) or they'll stop their own conversation and stare at me if for example they're talking and I say something to her like "let's put a jumper on" or "don't touch that" etc. Obviously my children's abilities and making them bilingual is far more important than making PILs comfortable. But still makes me feel horrible like they're all judging me and hate me.

DH says he doesn't notice it. Definitely there though. He's quite close to his family and scared to offend them.

Because it isn’t rude. My mum speaks to her mum is her native language and nobody who doesn’t fully understand even cares, in fact they’re starting to pick up on the language themselves and they make effort by asking what it means. Speaking it to a child is a non issue

So how does it work with the four of you having a conversation. With you and dh speaking two languages in the same conversation?

Given time with gp’s is short, surely you can just speak in their language then?

@Kittybythelighthouse You have misunderstood my post. Of course bilingualism is beneficial and of course OP should be speaking her own language to her children but NOT in the presence of her PIL who have no idea what she is saying. That is extremely rude.

My mum’s white sister in law never minded my parents speaking our other language to me as a baby, nor did she or does she care that my mum speaks my nana’s language to her. This is such a non issue. We all just translate in English to the ones who don’t understand anyways or they ask or we are just like I’m gonna ask him to go get his shoes on and say it in the other language, doesn’t always happen though. But works fine and nobody bats an eye

@Berlinlover you’re missing the point entirely. You can’t say “bilingualism is important” and then insist that no one should ever follow the recommended best way of achieving it. Consistency is absolutely vital in the OPOL approach, particularly in these early years. She cannot throw that aside so her PIL can understand her saying “do you want to do a wee?” to a 2 year old.

Exactly!! Plus most families are like “oh he needs a wee I’m gonna ask him to go for one” then say it to their kid in the other language and it’s so much better than people being like “oh it’s so rude speaking a different language non stop.” Like, no. It literally takes two seconds to translate anyway

@Kittybythelighthouse Surely the OP can acquire some manners and not isolate her PIL for the hour or so that they are visiting their grandchildren.

I can see both sides.

When I was about 7 we lived across the road from a family, mum was Dutch and would speak to her children in Dutch only, unless she had visitors (ie me and my mum) who didn't.

Could you compromise that way?

@Dotjones You have no idea what you are talking about. Most of the world is at least bilingual.

Singapore has Malay as its official language but all schools teach in English and about 20 languages are spoken. Singapore scores consistently high in PISA.

Or you can just translate? Or say it in the native language then in English too and everyone is happy.

@Berlinlover would it be equally rude if the child were to speak English within earshot of their Polish or whatever cousins, as is bound to happen if OP doesn't get the groundwork done now?

@Berlinlover complete consistency is required, particularly in the early years, in the recommended OPOL approach to establishing bilingualism in children. What isn’t clicking here?

This.

Nope, OPOL needs consistency, particularly in the early years.

Has it occurred to any of you that the child's language development is actually more important than the feelings of adults?

This rule only seems to apply to " foreigners". In my experience English people abroad don't find it rude to speak English to eachother, even if others don't understand.

I wonder what the OP's parents in law would do if they visited the OP's country. Would they just not speak at all?

@Nicesalad exactly

I love the way people think that the OP should repeat everything she says to her children in English after saying it is her own language. That would drive me nuts

But then again, I don't understand why the other people in the room have to listen to her conversation with a toddler

It's extremely ignorant to suggest that the OP should speak a language other than her mother tongue to her own child, when they are trying to raise the child bilingually. I don't know how you don't see that.

🤣🤣they told me they won’t have children due to climate warming impending doom and end of world🤷🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️

sadly, not first time I’ve heard this from that generation, which is fair dos Their life and all that.

I am remarkably uninterfering with them. Contrary to what you might think .

I would add if PIL and parents around a lot, and they’re in each other pockets all the time, then you all on the OPOL theory have a very good point. And yes, it does make sense

But I’ve assumed, due to this post, that grandparent visits are occasional, short and festivity related , where I hold by what I say, it’s just rude for the adult (Op) to talk in another language, unless there was also simultaneous translation (or “gist of it” translation) . Ok, if adult can’t speak another language it’s unavoidable, but where you can you try to at least converse to people in their own language.

But why do you need a translation of what the parent is saying to their toddler? I agree that it would be rude for the OP to exclude her PIL from the conversation altogether, but I don't see why they would need a blow by blow account of what she is saying to her own child. It's usually pretty easy to guess the gist of it in any case!

Ok, fair point, not the entire gist blow by blow….im talking about example like
“ what’s this in this wrapping paper littleone, is that a present from Santa/granny…”
said entirely in another language while granny is sat there, child is excited, granny has no idea what was said and wonders if mum is saying random shit and merely waving the bloody present around,

so, I’m saying, whilst mum says it to child in her language, she then repeats gist in granny’s language so granny knows what the heck is going on.

if mum is having conversation like, “do you have a dirty nappy/gosh little one you have a smelly nappy, we’d better make you nice and clean ”, then sure no translation needed.

Really, this isn’t difficult . It’s about combining manners and a nice time had by all, with the desire for bilingualism . Which I would add is a very good thing.

The venom heading out here is way beyond any common sense and plain good manners. It really doesn’t have to be OPOL or good manners.

@MrsBennetsPoorNerves, they ‘need’ it because of the linguistic paranoia of a certain kind of Anglophone monoglot who thinks that anything said in their presence in another language is 100% a covert insult.

Possibly because their only encounter with other languages is speaking English very loudly to unimpressed waiters on holidays abroad under the impression they will understand at higher decibels?

Or because on the rare occasions when they themselves speak a different language from the people around them they use it to make disparaging remarks about Johnny Foreigner?

These people imagine the OP is saying to her toddler ‘Put on your jumper, darling, and aren’t granny and grandad awful?’

Cripes, he doesn’t live in the “PIL” country. Visits once or twice a year - fares cost too much! . His partner hasn’t lived there since a child. She lived all over Europe, with her work travelling parents (they’re form South American country originally, and it is still “home” country) and speaks multiple languages. One of which, aside form English he is very good at. She has an easy aptitude for languages due to her upbringing. That’s fab. But ds doesn’t visit PIL and wider family in their home country (which the PIL aren’t living in just now anyway) more to absorb language.
He does his best, but guess what. Because they’re lovely and delightful people who want him to have a lovely, fun and included time in short few days DS stay with them, they speak English which they are fluent in, and mix it with some of their language, he tries to respond in language, and they all have great time in understanding each other.

so no, they don’t let him sit miserably at the Xmas eve feast table talking over him cos he doesn’t speak their language fluently. They’re way nicer than that. It is not necessary for him to be fluent in their him language, they don’t speak it most of time, 🤦‍♀️.

i guess, in the extreme unlikely scenario of him moving to her home country, h would go the immersion route, but your “do or die” attitude is complexity unnecessary in most cases.

, granny has no idea what was said and wonders if mum is saying random shit and merely waving the bloody present around

Why would granny assume that mum is "saying random shit" and waving the present around? Is that something lots of people do?

YANBU for wanting your children to know both languages, it sounds like a wonderful opportunity for them.

YABU for refusing to speak in English around the In Laws, it comes across as rude to deliberately exclude them. They're only there once a month.

Also, genuine question because I have no idea and I'm interested, is that the best way of teaching 2 languages to a toddler? Each parent communicating in a different language, it seems super confusing to me!

And what would OP’s In-laws be doing to include OP’s parents?