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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think nobody really likes house guests?

148 replies

FunnysInLaJardin · 27/12/2023 20:41

My sister has been here for 4 days, and we get on really well, but even so I found the extra person in my home a little difficult.

Turns out the psychology says we dont generally like house guests invading our space at a very primal level. Who knew!

OP posts:

spriots · 28/12/2023 08:20

DappledThings · 28/12/2023 08:16

There is a Chinese proverb "After three days, fish and visitors begin to stink". I think there is a lot of truth in this.
Indeed. But some people on here seek to feel that after 8 minutes visitors stink.

I like relaxing in my pyjamas watching what I want and making no conversation. But I'm not so rigid about that that I can't cheerfully sacrifice that for a very small percentage of the evenings in the year for the benefit of seeing people I don't often see.

Exactly this for me.

Of course I like time to myself but having house guests every few months for a couple of days doesn't really cut into that.

crew2022 · 28/12/2023 08:21

It depends. I have the space and a separate bathroom which really helps. I don't enjoy sharing a bathroom.
If they are 'muck in' and help type of people which my friends are then I love it, especially if it's a female friend and DH is away.
Il mess keen on staying with others (or in a hotel) as I love my own bed and home comfort.

gannett · 28/12/2023 08:28

I never understand how so much angst is caused by house guests. I understand both points of view - of course it's more comfortable to have your own morning routine on waking up, without having to cater to extra people, and of course you never relax 100% while hosting. On the other hand, seeing people you love who live far away is hugely enjoyable, and sometimes the price you pay is needing to get out of your comfort zone for 24 hours, which is surely quite minor.

You just need to set your own boundaries really. I like house guests as long as: 1) no constant parade of them every week, we only have them a few times per year; 2) only for one night at a time (would probably be OK with two nights for some people but this hasn't come up); 3) only certain friends - people who both DP and I like a lot AND who are the more casual, chill sorts who can get on with things themselves if we're not around.

I see a lot of threads where posters are hosting friends or family members they don't seem to like, or only like in small doses, and yet have invited them to stay for a week or more, and it's absolutely baffling. But they did it to themselves! It's ridiculous to go off on one about all house guests everywhere just because of your own poor choices.

Goatymum · 28/12/2023 08:28

I’m not keen either!
we had a friend of my DC to stay recently which was great for DC, but it was a pain as they had to be in the office room with the sofa bed (they’re young adults) and it meant I had to work elsewhere. I tried to make myself scarce and they also went out, thankfully, so not here constantly. Plus I had to cook ‘proper’ meals for 3 nights!
luckily we have 3 loos and 2 showers so dh and I still had our en suite and the DCs all used their shower room (we don’t have a big house, just a lot of loos!).
I also feel awkward more as a guest - last time I was I had a bad stomach which was hideous (and they were friends of dh, not mine).

MarleyandMarleyWoooo · 28/12/2023 08:33

Aw I love it, depending on the guest themselves of course! We’d only ever have people to stay whose company we actually enjoyed!
DH and I don’t really have the space now, but before we had our son, we lived in a 6 bedroom house (linked to his job) and loved to spend weekends and holidays with people coming and going.
We once had a couple of our mates from back in nz come for ‘a few days’ and they stayed a couple of months in the end, it was great fun and they did leave a load of cash for us on the side one of the rooms when they left (not that we expected it or would’ve asked!) but of course, with anything, pre-kids it’s much easier to just go with the flow. Plus like I say, we had acres of space.

laceydoily · 28/12/2023 08:33

2) only for one night at a time (would probably be OK with two nights for some people but this hasn't come up)

This can be difficult to enforce if someone is coming from a long distance away. It sounds kind of mean to say "Sure you can stay but ONLY one night" which I think is exactly why people are getting stressed and pressured into longer stays if someone is travelling a very long distance to see them. Totally agree with you about boundaries though, its just hard to phrase it in a way that is socially acceptable I guess.

mangochops · 28/12/2023 08:37

Plus like I say, we had acres of space

Well yeah, it's very different if you are all crammed into a tiny house and only have one bathroom to all share. Having multiple bedrooms and bathrooms would probably make me a lot more relaxed about it tbh.

Newchapterbeckons · 28/12/2023 08:53

I have noticed amongst my friends anyone from boarding school and/or big families or have been living with others for extended periods all enjoy house guests.
It’s just an observation.

They are usually not terribly keen on spending too much time on their own, or within the immediate family unit and some actively avoid it. There seems to be a need to recreate their childhood environment, and they are more than happy to host and be hosted most of the time and couldn’t care less about the inconvenience or discomfort.

cristokitty · 28/12/2023 11:07

It depends on the person staying.

Our only regular guest is DH's best friend and I quite like when he stays. I can roam around in pyjamas with my hair looking like a birds nest. He doesn't get offended if I have a lie-in. He always buys us a takeaway one of the nights he's here. He'll help with the cooking if needed. All in all he's just very laid back. He could stay with us for a few weeks and I think I'd be fine.

We have a few family members I'd struggle to have for more than a couple of days. The type who are up at the crack of dawn and expect to be entertained.

alwaystroubleonmn · 28/12/2023 11:21

I tell my sister (who lives overseas) that I can't be doing with people staying more than 3 days - she thinks it doesn't apply to her as she's not "people" she's family, I have told her so many times and she never listens and part of the problem is that she doesn't mind people staying with her for weeks and months.
She suffers from depression and I don't want to seem unsupportive but after 3 days I just need her gone. Even when I have agreed on the 3 days, her plans will often change and then she's only staying an extra day then it becomes 2 and 3. I feel manipulated, annoyed and uncharitable because I know she needs support.

pumpkinfarm · 28/12/2023 12:51

I guess it depends if the benefits outweigh the inconvenience? My best friend lives 4 hours away. I have kids and she doesn't so she always makes the effort to travel to me. If I didn't invite her to stay over I'd never see her. I wouldn't dream of her making all the effort to see me and then asking her to stay in a hotel.

Ditto my brother and wife and toddler are staying over for new year. Otherwise, with toddlers, our evening would end at 7pm. This way we can put the kids to bed and have a few drinks and catch up properly.

Original poster

FunnysInLaJardin · 28/12/2023 14:05

I suppose the reason I dislike to so much is that over the last 25 years we have had a LOT of house guests.

We live a plane ride away from our family and at one time our relatives definitely saw it as a free holiday.

We had to impose a limit of 3 days and even now people push it.

I really enjoy spending time with my sister, but even so, 4 days was disruptive.

OP posts:

mouldyfalafel · 28/12/2023 14:35

It's easy to say "just relax" about guests when you have a large house! It's not quite so comfortable when you have a small house with only one bathroom between say, 6 of you, and have to convert the tiny box room office into a make shift bedroom. You end up being on top of each other the entire time and queuing for the bathroom. Can't really understand why people find it so baffling that this isn't particularly ideal for some of us and we don't particularly relish it or enjoy it. That does not make us all miserable sods who hate our families and friends- its just not comfortable is all.

FriedasCarLoad · 28/12/2023 14:38

Last year some dear friends of mine and their lovely teenage son stayed with us in our tiny house, for several days.

I hadn't seen them for almost ten years. We live on different continents and the flights are so expensive.

It was SUCH a happy time and I cried all the way home after dropping them off at the airport. In my defence, I was heavily pregnant and hormonal, as well as missing them 🤣

Squirrelblanket · 28/12/2023 15:02

I have been told that I'm a great host, but in reality I would prefer to never have overnight houseguests or stay at another's home. I prefer my own space and savour peace and quiet. It's difficult though because we don't live near any family so it really limits what you can do without someone staying somewhere.

There are some people we visit where we stay in a hotel/b&b as it's not suitable to stay at theirs, I much prefer that but it gets expensive. Likewise I would be thrilled if people stayed in a b&b when visiting us but I don't feel I could suggest that without causing offence, especially as it creates an additional expense and we do have room.

Mazuslongtoenail · 28/12/2023 15:03

My MIL is staying for a fortnight, I like it. I’m a mumsnet freak!

rookiemere · 28/12/2023 16:36

Actually thinking about it single guests are much less bother than couples or families, or indeed multiple cousins.

I think with one person, they kind of have to blend into your routines and dynamics unless they are particularly strong willed.

StellaAndCrow · 28/12/2023 17:54

I like my own space, but have only just realised that it is an option to stay in a hotel/B+B when visiting friends or relatives - it had just never crossed my mind before. Now I'm kicking myself for lost past opportunities!

Ohnotyoutoo · 28/12/2023 17:58

I don't mind so much as long as they have their own room. I used to have friends come and sleep on my sofa bed in the living room for too long (~9 days!!!).

I eventually outsmarted them and got rid of my sofa bed to prevent them from staying longer than absolutely necessary. It worked 😏

TastesLikeStrawberriesOnASummerEvening · 28/12/2023 18:01

My friends are happy to have me for as long as I want to stay, BUT, I'm not a guest, I'm part of their family.
I completely pitch in with everything, including financially.

Coolhwip · 28/12/2023 18:03

I enjoy having my mum or MIL stay for a few days but I do get a bit tired after a few days. Conversely the house feels a bit sad when they’ve left.

I also enjoy having my sister or nieces/nephews stay and I make effort for them because they love having me stay with them as well.

I don’t enjoy my other sister staying because there’s no reciprocation in anything, so I do resent cooking and cleaning up after them. I don’t invite them.

Passingthethyme · 28/12/2023 18:21

I love house guests for around a week. I think it depends on your house, with mine they have their own floor separate to mine with their own room and bathroom so it doesn't feel invasive

bctf123 · 18/04/2024 16:52

It's partly our British culture. Life is so fast pace and frenetic now and we make plans to treat ourselves to peace and quiet and it gets taken out of our hands completely

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