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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have a bath when DH gets home

105 replies

Tralafala · 27/12/2023 18:06

We have three kids. I'm a sahm. Kids are all under four years old and don't go to nursery (oldest goes to school nursery in the mornings for two hours). Life is hectic. By the time DH gets home I'm frazzled. I do all the night wakes as baby is breastfed and toddler is just out of nappies at night so wakes a lot to go for a wee and DH doesn't hear. DH works hard, is contracted 8-4.30 in a stressful job, and most days stays until about 5.30pm getting home around 5.45pm.

Aibu to go for a 45 min bath when he gets home? He feels that his day has been stressful and that is more than half of the time left until bedtime so not an even split. I feel that he should stop taking on more work and prioritise energy for the family so if he chooses to stay later then a) it makes my day longer and b) I have earned a relax.

This is about the only thing we disagree on. Help us navigate!

OP posts:
Santaisscouringindeedfornewjob · 27/12/2023 18:09

Ask him to write down exactly how much time he is investing into his relationships with his dc... He can juggle pen /paper and dc while you soak in the bath...

OurfriendsintheNE · 27/12/2023 18:09

Expecting him to spend 45 minutes a day in charge of his own children is not unreasonable.

Thementalloadisreal · 27/12/2023 18:11

His work day might have been stressful but he shouldn’t let that impact his time with his kids. It’s only 45 minutes and you’ve spent the whole day with them! I imagine they’d have tea by then so it’s just a case of playing together while you have some time to recharge.

Tinseltomato · 27/12/2023 18:12

I think it's about having even leisure and work time. If you count all the hours you do in the day and for the night wakings you are doing more so it feels a bit much for him to begrudge your bath.

Also I don't know why you say they don't go to nursery then go on to describe the nursery they go to. You still have a lot on your hands. But saying you have no childcare when you do will probably irritate some people.

How old are the kids could you utilise more free places?

TheSnowyOwl · 27/12/2023 18:14

I don’t think you are BU and his work might be stressful, but it’s in a different way.

When our youngest was a baby DH used to get home from work at 6 and I would go straight to be until midnight which is when he went to bed. It was just what we had to get through at that time.

Rosiiee · 27/12/2023 18:16

@OurfriendsintheNE this!

Im home with a 2 yr old and find that soooo exhausting already! Not sure how you manage! Take the break OP! Let him moan about it, whatever.

Alternatively, leave him with the kids all day on Saturday and when you come home and he tries to hand them over to you just say you’re too tired from your day.

Sorry I’m being a bit petty but this really grinds my gear. He’s their dad for gods sake!

Flamingo68 · 27/12/2023 18:23

Can’t you take it in turns to relax for that 45 mins, you one day and then him the next?

Savedpassword · 27/12/2023 18:27

Competitive tiredness is a recipe for a disaster when you have small children.
Can’t you have an all hands on deck approach to baths/bedtimes when he gets home and THEN when the oldest two are in bed, feed baby, you bath, he manages whilst you bath and then you take over while he showers/baths?
They won’t be this small for long. Don’t let the rot of resentment over who is more tired set in.

TomatoSandwiches · 27/12/2023 18:33

He hasn't seen his 3 children all day, "doesn't hear " to help with your baby OR toddler and begrudges you a 45min break.

Does he get a lunch break? Does he get to shit in peace whilst at work? Does he get child free commuting time?

He is taking the piss.

SALWARP2023 · 27/12/2023 18:36

If you went to work, a 45 minute bath would not be possible on a regular basis. DH is probably tired and hungry after 10 hours in the office. Maybe make time for him to get changed, have a chat over a mug of tea. You DC will be grown-up one day so remember to look after DH as well as the kids. Personally I wouldn't be a STAHM, especially if you want equality.

gamerchick · 27/12/2023 18:38

Make sure you lock the door.

gamerchick · 27/12/2023 18:39

SALWARP2023 · 27/12/2023 18:36

If you went to work, a 45 minute bath would not be possible on a regular basis. DH is probably tired and hungry after 10 hours in the office. Maybe make time for him to get changed, have a chat over a mug of tea. You DC will be grown-up one day so remember to look after DH as well as the kids. Personally I wouldn't be a STAHM, especially if you want equality.

He isn't in 10 hours in the office and the extra hour he does is of his own choosing. An 8am start is pretty decent tbh.

chewsandwhine · 27/12/2023 18:39

After a long day at work, spending time with his children should be a joy and a priority.

Otherwise, what’s the point in having kids if he treats them as if they are hard work ?
It’s only 45 min fgs !

Rosiiee · 27/12/2023 18:40

@SALWARP2023 I didn’t read it as the OP wanting 45min for a bath. I think she just means a break to do ‘her’. A 45min break is all she gets all day. She’s with her kids during the night when they wake up and from the moment they’re up for the day. I don’t think a 45min break away from toddlers noise and demands is too much to ask.

Her DH gets to have a ‘break’ during his commute, during his lunch break, he has daily adult interaction…. It just doesn’t compare.

MotherofWomen · 27/12/2023 18:47

I hand them over the second DH gets in! Have a bath love.

Original poster
Tralafala · 27/12/2023 18:48

Fair comment by the poster who said about me saying no nursery and then the oldest going to school two hours a day - yes I'm fried and didn't write it correctly. So two hours a day I have a toddler and baby, the rest of the time it's a toddler baby and four year old.

It absolutely is about just having some time when I'm not buried under kids (as well as washing!). I bedshare and baby won't yet be put down in the evenings so some time not attached to a child really helps.

The comment about competitive tiredness resonates though, we need to avoid that. Although I am more tired 😂

OP posts:
festivepains · 27/12/2023 18:50

Can you send the eldest child to nursery more?

He needs to stop working longer than his contacted hours on such a regular basis

Tinseltomato · 27/12/2023 18:51

Yeah I absolutely didn't mean you aren't still doing a lot op!

How old is your toddler?

I do feel like your down time or even child free time, like lunch break or commute are un even.

itsmylife7 · 27/12/2023 18:52

SALWARP2023 · 27/12/2023 18:36

If you went to work, a 45 minute bath would not be possible on a regular basis. DH is probably tired and hungry after 10 hours in the office. Maybe make time for him to get changed, have a chat over a mug of tea. You DC will be grown-up one day so remember to look after DH as well as the kids. Personally I wouldn't be a STAHM, especially if you want equality.

🙄😬

Original poster
Tralafala · 27/12/2023 18:54

Toddler is 2yr 3 months, baby is four months.

Can't send the oldest for longer as then we have to pay and finances are tight already (hence me being at home)

OP posts:
ReallyAgainReally · 27/12/2023 18:57

SALWARP2023 · 27/12/2023 18:36

If you went to work, a 45 minute bath would not be possible on a regular basis. DH is probably tired and hungry after 10 hours in the office. Maybe make time for him to get changed, have a chat over a mug of tea. You DC will be grown-up one day so remember to look after DH as well as the kids. Personally I wouldn't be a STAHM, especially if you want equality.

👏👏

Squeaky2023 · 27/12/2023 19:01

Why don't you get 30 free hours? Am I wrong in thinking all parents get 30 free hours once their child is 3?
Get a job, OP. Part time for now. Don't tether yourself. He is BU. He is in clover.

Gardeningtime · 27/12/2023 19:02

I think it’s hard for both of you. Four kids this young was always going to be exhausting. You both have a point, you need a break, but he comes home and straight to looking after 4 kids. I think it would be good to do that time together, make it easier on both of you. So no one dips out then once bed time is done you go for your bath.

Miyagi99 · 27/12/2023 19:05

Tralafala · 27/12/2023 18:54

Toddler is 2yr 3 months, baby is four months.

Can't send the oldest for longer as then we have to pay and finances are tight already (hence me being at home)

I don’t think you’d have to pay for up to 30 hours though.

Sugarsun · 27/12/2023 19:06

When are you doing it?

If it’s when he first gets in then I think it’s a bit unfair, as I know I like to have a moment to sit with a cup of tea and relax before I have to parent and do all of the home stuff if I can.

But if it’s an hour or more after he’s got home then there’s nothing wrong with you having a break, whether it’s a bath or the gym or socialising with friends etc.

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