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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have a bath when DH gets home

105 replies

Tralafala · 27/12/2023 18:06

We have three kids. I'm a sahm. Kids are all under four years old and don't go to nursery (oldest goes to school nursery in the mornings for two hours). Life is hectic. By the time DH gets home I'm frazzled. I do all the night wakes as baby is breastfed and toddler is just out of nappies at night so wakes a lot to go for a wee and DH doesn't hear. DH works hard, is contracted 8-4.30 in a stressful job, and most days stays until about 5.30pm getting home around 5.45pm.

Aibu to go for a 45 min bath when he gets home? He feels that his day has been stressful and that is more than half of the time left until bedtime so not an even split. I feel that he should stop taking on more work and prioritise energy for the family so if he chooses to stay later then a) it makes my day longer and b) I have earned a relax.

This is about the only thing we disagree on. Help us navigate!

OP posts:
TodayForTomorrow · 27/12/2023 19:07

The measure is whether you have equal free time to do as you please. It doesn't sound as though that is the case.

Gardeningtime · 27/12/2023 19:08

TodayForTomorrow · 27/12/2023 19:07

The measure is whether you have equal free time to do as you please. It doesn't sound as though that is the case.

Well only if you count the nights, which is a little unfair to be honest since she has to feed the baby.

beetr00 · 27/12/2023 19:09

I totally understand you wanting to offload the children as soon as he walks in the door, you have a full-on day.

He wants to "decompress", after a full-on day at work/commute, before scooping up his parental responsibility.

Would you both be able to agree to a timescale that would allow you both the freedom to re-charge?

WingingItSince1973 · 27/12/2023 19:11

TomatoSandwiches · 27/12/2023 18:33

He hasn't seen his 3 children all day, "doesn't hear " to help with your baby OR toddler and begrudges you a 45min break.

Does he get a lunch break? Does he get to shit in peace whilst at work? Does he get child free commuting time?

He is taking the piss.

Yep all of this!!!

thedementedelf · 27/12/2023 19:13

Wtf. Go for a bath and lock the door.

That's insane that he's grudging you personal hygiene time. He doesn't even get up with them during the night and he's saying you can't have 45 minutes to wash yourself? That's shocking.

Gardeningtime · 27/12/2023 19:13

beetr00 · 27/12/2023 19:09

I totally understand you wanting to offload the children as soon as he walks in the door, you have a full-on day.

He wants to "decompress", after a full-on day at work/commute, before scooping up his parental responsibility.

Would you both be able to agree to a timescale that would allow you both the freedom to re-charge?

Agree, I don’t get the competitive parenting people are urging; they should share the load, they’ve both been working all day, and then decompress after the kids go to bed. Working together is the answer, not urging competitive parenting. He’s not saying he doesn’t want to parent, he’s saying as soon as he walks in after a long day she goes and sits in the bath hiding and leaves it to him.

Overthebow · 27/12/2023 19:15

I’m on the fence, he’s home after a long day of work, but so are you. Could you share the days so you have a 45 minute bath at that time every other day? Or do a 30 min bath instead and share the time.

Sugarsun · 27/12/2023 19:16

beetr00 · 27/12/2023 19:09

I totally understand you wanting to offload the children as soon as he walks in the door, you have a full-on day.

He wants to "decompress", after a full-on day at work/commute, before scooping up his parental responsibility.

Would you both be able to agree to a timescale that would allow you both the freedom to re-charge?

I agree.

Find a way to compromise.

SusanKennedyshouldLTB · 27/12/2023 19:19

Her DH gets to have a ‘break’ during his commute, during his lunch break, he has daily adult interaction…. It just doesn’t compare
his commute is nothing. He finishes work at 5.30 and gets home at 5.45. He must work 5 mins away. Not all jobs have a lunch break. I dont get a lunch break.

can you not just go for a bath at 7? And your dh do bedtime? And your dh takes some responsibility for nights? That’d what is making life difficult. Address those bits.

CatMadam · 27/12/2023 19:30

SALWARP2023 · 27/12/2023 18:36

If you went to work, a 45 minute bath would not be possible on a regular basis. DH is probably tired and hungry after 10 hours in the office. Maybe make time for him to get changed, have a chat over a mug of tea. You DC will be grown-up one day so remember to look after DH as well as the kids. Personally I wouldn't be a STAHM, especially if you want equality.

You’d get a lunch break though, which is more
than you get as a SAHP! She’s working all day and through the night, begrudging her a 45 minute bath is genuinely crazy. Of course you can have equality if one person in a relationship is a SAHP, but only if the other person will put some effort in towards looking after their own children.

00100001 · 27/12/2023 20:23

ReallyAgainReally · 27/12/2023 18:57

👏👏

Show quote history

The OP has been at work for 10 hours Ian's is tired and hungry and needs some space to decompress from the day...

Saffabird · 27/12/2023 20:25

Tell him it’s your ‘commute’

Friedfriedplantain · 27/12/2023 20:27

SALWARP2023 · 27/12/2023 18:36

If you went to work, a 45 minute bath would not be possible on a regular basis. DH is probably tired and hungry after 10 hours in the office. Maybe make time for him to get changed, have a chat over a mug of tea. You DC will be grown-up one day so remember to look after DH as well as the kids. Personally I wouldn't be a STAHM, especially if you want equality.

shouldn't he look after her, as the DC will be grown up one day?

she does all the night wakes. The 45 mins is a no-brainer. They have both been working all day.

Autumnleaves89 · 27/12/2023 20:29

YANBU. 8-5 is not a particularly long day. Having three kids that young is relentless and isolating. You deserve a 45 min bath fgs!

MamaGhina · 27/12/2023 20:29

Can’t you get the 15 hours at school nursery free, even if you don’t work. I thought that wasn’t means tested?

Either way YANBU. He should be giving you at least that 45minutes.

blackpanth · 27/12/2023 20:34

YANBU X

bakingmummy21 · 27/12/2023 20:41

If you’re talking about going for a bath once or twice a week when DH gets home then I’d say not unreasonable. If you’re talking about every night then yes that’s probably a bit much. For me being a SAHM is the hardest job there is. It beats my corporate job hands down as there is just no let up and with a 4mo baby that’s hardcore. I definitely think your DH needs to gear himself up to just take the kids off your hands sometimes when he gets home. Some days you’ll need that more than others. At the same time he is obviously tired from his job so it’s not fair to expect him to come straight home every day and pick up all the childcare. I think there’s a compromise to be had hopefully?! And just to say that it will get easier. As your kids start school there will be more balance and you’ll slowly both get more time to yourselves.

ChocolateTVandbaby · 27/12/2023 20:43

I don't think you're being unreasonable but my advice would be to add up the free time you have for yourselves rather than the things you do as it's difficult to compare tasks whereas sometimes it is obvious one party has a lot more free time than the other.

berksandbeyond · 27/12/2023 20:51

whose bright idea was 3 kids under 4?
yes he could do more but I don’t think running to the bathroom and locking the door for 45 mins as soon as he gets home is the answer either

TheSnowyOwl · 27/12/2023 20:51

whose bright idea was 3 kids under 4?

And we have a winner for the most helpful response of the day!

idontlikealdi · 27/12/2023 21:04

I don't think it's unreasonable
To run off the bathroom as soon as he gets in. The kids will know you're there anyway so unlikely to be relaxing.

You both do the evening shenanigans together and then you have your bath?

idontlikealdi · 27/12/2023 21:04

idontlikealdi · 27/12/2023 21:04

I don't think it's unreasonable
To run off the bathroom as soon as he gets in. The kids will know you're there anyway so unlikely to be relaxing.

You both do the evening shenanigans together and then you have your bath?

It's reasonable not unreasonable.

ChocolateTVandbaby · 27/12/2023 21:13

whose bright idea was 3 kids under 4?

I must confess I wondered this too. No judgment but I'm sure you do feel frazzled and tired. I bet he does too.

StripeyDeckchair · 27/12/2023 21:16

I don't think it's unreasonable for you to want some time out.
But if he walks through the door & 5 minutes later you're locked in the bathroom running a bath, that is a bit unreasonable.

Most people come in from work, want to chat to their partner, maybe talk about their day & generally decompress & chill a bit before doing family chores & I dontbthink thats unreasonable.

Mrsttcno1 · 27/12/2023 21:17

Savedpassword · 27/12/2023 18:27

Competitive tiredness is a recipe for a disaster when you have small children.
Can’t you have an all hands on deck approach to baths/bedtimes when he gets home and THEN when the oldest two are in bed, feed baby, you bath, he manages whilst you bath and then you take over while he showers/baths?
They won’t be this small for long. Don’t let the rot of resentment over who is more tired set in.

100% this.

Being a SAHM is hard, but so is going out and working all day. You’re both tired, you have both worked hard all day, you both deserve and need a little break. Try to work as a team rather than you versus him.