To have a bath when DH gets home

[Tralafala]

We have three kids. I'm a sahm. Kids are all under four years old and don't go to nursery (oldest goes to school nursery in the mornings for two hours). Life is hectic. By the time DH gets home I'm frazzled. I do all the night wakes as baby is breastfed and toddler is just out of nappies at night so wakes a lot to go for a wee and DH doesn't hear. DH works hard, is contracted 8-4.30 in a stressful job, and most days stays until about 5.30pm getting home around 5.45pm.

Aibu to go for a 45 min bath when he gets home? He feels that his day has been stressful and that is more than half of the time left until bedtime so not an even split. I feel that he should stop taking on more work and prioritise energy for the family so if he chooses to stay later then a) it makes my day longer and b) I have earned a relax.

This is about the only thing we disagree on. Help us navigate!

I agree, I’m quite dismayed at the people urging an aggressive competitive approach, I don’t know how relationships survive in that vortex. They should be working together, I assume they noth decided to have 4 kids this close together, so they knew it would be incredibly hard, so instead of arguing they should both accept the other has been working all day and do the evenings together. Arguing over the commute or a lunch break is beyond ludicrous, few enjoy the commute and many don’t get a lunch hour or take it, but work through, they are seldom off down the park enjoying some solitude,

As a mum, when do you clock off??

Never, is the answer!

So, he can clock off from the office, come home and pick up the baton from you.

Jesus Christ, the bar is low for men.

I think you both need time to decompress after work, neither of you are wrong.

Get a playpen or something, sit the toddler and older kid in it to watch Bluey for half an hour when dad gets home. You both have a cup of tea while he cuddles his baby. Talk to one another.

Get something easy to sling in the oven, one of you put it in and then you can have your bath while that's cooking and he can look after the littles.

Compromise is the answer here. You will get nowhere just getting angry with one another about down time. Frankly, you have three small children, it's going to be tiring for a while yet.

OP you're superwoman in my opinion, I have a 2.5 year old and 4 month old and I have a husband who does his fair share and a set of grandparents local and am still struggling !!!
He is absolutely taking the piss

Besides the point, but am impressed the 2 year old is no longer in nappies at night!!

When mine were that age it was all hands on deck until older two were in bed. So dh would take them while I whipped up some dinner then we would devide and conquer bath, bedtime.
Then dh was on baby duty until he went to bed

Your 4yr will get 15hrs a week

This is usually 5 sessions of 3hrs so can go half a day a week

Not sure why you get 2hrs

Maybe one day out in for 2 sessions and have one day with no pre school so can go out /do fun things

Going to M&T - parks - libraries - meeting friends will make the day go quicker and easier as have company

Yes I get you wanting 45m to self

Equally if you and dad both sort out tea bath bed then by 630:7 older two will be in bed and hopefully baby as well by 7/740 if in a routine and you can not. Relax then

Gotta laugh at the ‘spending time with his kids should be a joy for DH’ brigade who then go on to think that the OP’s spending of time with them is to be counted as 100% work time when doing the husband vs wife work leisure balance calculations!

Obviously for both parties looking after kids is often a joy and often a chore.

Probably the best period in my marriage was the brief time when I worked and he was a SAHD.

I worked long hours in a job where leaving dead on time wasn’t really an option.

I would come in and cook while he bathed the children. I’d have been massively pissed off if he’d buggered off for the best part of an hour, leaving me hungry and with the children, thus unable to cook.

Time for yourself is surely when the children are in bed, or at least when the bulk of the evening tasks are past?

When he worked, he did next to nothing. That period when I worked was the only time in my marriage that felt fair to me.

Of course you are not being unreasonable in wanting 45 mins for a bloomin bath.

You have been with the kids all day and to just give you that time away for a bit should absolutely not be an issue.

He should also want to spend time with his kids after not seeing them all day, honestly some men have such a low bar set for them.

Does he help with bed and bath time? I can see why you would need a break after having them all day but I assume his argument is he has been working since 8am. If he finishes at 4pm why is he not coming home then? If he is not paid overtime I would be saying he actually gets more than 45minutes to himself after work and it is his choice to do unpaid work and that impacts on you not getting a break particularly if the baby cosleeps with you and you do all night wakings for all 3. You deserve a medal.

Personally I could never be a SAHM and I just had 2 children with a 18 month gap between them. I went back to part time work when the youngest was 2. I would get a plan in place and get him more involved. When mine were babies I did a Saturday job and my husband looked after the children. He soon realised how tough it was and it made him a more hands on Dad.

What an absolute tit. So he thinks looking after his 3 kids for 45mins is stressful, yet he's not registering that that is WORK, that you have WORKED hard, all day and all night, every single day and every single night. You get in that bath.

To say he should also want to spend time with the kids implies she has been spending all day doing something she wants to do. If she’s been spending all day doing something she ‘wants to do’ why should she then get to do another thing she wants to do when he gets in. Much fairer if he covers the kids to give her a break from them and she does something of benefit to the household like DIY, cleaning, cooking etc. Then they can both finish up the daily tasks earlier. Some days may be more stressful than usual and perfectly reasonable for her to say mind if I have a bath when he gets in, but not treat it as an expectation.

To say he should also want to spend time with the kids implies she has been spending all day doing something she wants to do

Sorry no, the "also" was another point. Another reason why he should step up and parent his kids. I didnt want to imply anything as i dont see anywhere where age says that and wouldn't like to assume.

If she’s been spending all day doing something she ‘wants to do’ why should she then get to do another thing she wants to do when he gets inMuch fairer if he covers the kids to give her a break from them and she does something of benefit to the household like DIY, cleaning, cooking etc. Then they can both finish up the daily tasks earlier

Really, this is bizzare. They are a partnership and a team (or should be) and she is only asking for 45 mins break. She is the one getting up through the nights, as well as all day without a break, Are you adding nights into into your household task breakdown?? That would be much fairer, no.
He is their father, he should want to see them after not doing so all day.

Some days may be more stressful than usual and perfectly reasonable for her to say mind if I have a bath when he gets in, but not treat it as an expectation

Again, she is doing all the night get up with their kids, do you think he is waking up through the night to check if she minds him getting a full nights sleep.

Your day sounds hard, but I don't think disappearing off during the witching hour is helpful to anyone. I'd have thought the time between dh arriving home and the dc going to bed is the time when family life would run most smoothly if there are two adults there supporting each other and spending time with the dc whilst getting everyone fed and off to bed.
So I think YABU.

However
He IBVU to not take his share of night wakings. If you are breastfeeding, then he takes the toddlers night wakings, obviously.
After eating and getting older two to bed, have your bath then while he looks after the baby and does what clearing up / laundry / prepping the next day's meal / etc he can. Then you feed the baby and go to bed so you should get a decent sleep before the next feed, whilst he settles baby to sleep, and then chooses to either relax with TV / book / gaming / whatever, or to go to sleep early himself if he managed to get other things that need doing done whilst you were in the bath, or to crack on with jobs if he didn't.

YANBU
I commute 3-4 hrs day as well as work hrs...im out the house 7 to 6.30pm..stressful job...i still have to do my responsibilities at home..he can pitch in fcol. When my daughter was younger i went to work at 4am (travel)and back around 6pm...i still put in when i got home... washing..drying..prepped dinner night before...uniform ironed... bedtime story bath time..so oc he can contribute towards you having a little time to have a bath

Im sure that OP would enjoy 45 Minutes a day with her kids whilst hubby was in bath rather than doing it all for 12 hours when he moans about 45 mins so she can have a bath

Undecided on the bath but he should be doing night wakings for the toddlers, you should be in charge of the baby. Shake him awake every time until he gets it. You must be exhausted.

I think you both are working hard and the only solution is to compromise a bit. Three young kids does sound very tough, but don't underestimate the mental load of being the sole breadwinner with four dependents relying on your wage.

I think you both need to be doing the dinner, baths and bedtime. Relaxation time should come after that (yes, I get that relaxation time after the kids are in bed is going to be really limited and that it's hard. I don't have any solution for that; three children so close together was always going to be really tough for a few years).

Not unreasonable. Dh would have taken ds off me as soon as he got home and done dinner and bath while I had a nap or just sat in silence for an hour before I did bedtime as ds fed to sleep. It was a much needed respite from the day because while I loved being on mat leave with him, its intense and that's only with one! Also just to say studies show that being at home as a parent and the demands from a child or children is more physiologically stressful than the vast majority of jobs. So he needs to be supporting you to rest before you're going into a night of broken sleep. He needs to find his own way to either leave a bit earlier or decompress on the way home.

forgive me for pointing out the obvious but, this is something you should have thought out before having 3 kids in such short succession. When all 3 are that young, you’re going to feel tired and want a break. Both parents will. You feel it because you’re with them all day, he feels it because he’s out working to bring in income to support everyone etc - there’s likely some internalised pressure to working late. There is no perfect solution and frankly your day to day sounds like hell, but all you can do is communicate with him and try and support each other. Ultimately this isn’t about the bath. It’s about both of you feeling hard done by.

Youve both been working towards the household all day. You need your 45 minutes at some point, it’s a case of figuring out when. I only have 1 baby and that’s been busy enough so I can’t imagine your workload but we’ve had a lot of discussion about how to
manage this and we both find it best to work together on weeknights and then I get my brief
time to myself on a weekend. It does feel unfair as he has “me time” every single day from 8pm onwards! And no waking for night feeds. Then he says how tired he is sometimes! Tired! But he supports the family financially and does a decent chunk of the housework too.

Three kids under four. You’re a SAHM and the four year old only goes to nursery for two hours a day. And you can’t even have a 45 minute bath to yourself in order to get a break? Fuck me that sounds like hell on earth. Is it really asking too much for him to watch his children for 3/4 of an hour?

Also being a SAHP isn’t the exact same as having a job. Working parents experience the same stressors as SAHP (perhaps to a lesser extent, but they will not find 3 children under 4 years old stress-free), they additionally have a whole set of stress coming from work. I work full time and don’t dispute that raising 3 small children is stressful, but that’s why I haven’t put myself through that. It’s not a good lifestyle choice for my household. Work can be rewarding, competitive, demanding, you can get shitty managers/co workers, you might expected to deliver things in unreasonable conditions, you might be expected to work late ie if you don’t work late, you’re not part of the “team”. It’s rare someone has a completely perfect job, tiring shit can happen at work beyond a commute and lunch breaks aren’t always enough to let you switch off. My sentiments are just be respectful of each other because it seems like neither of you know exactly what each other’s day is like, which is why you seem to be competing as to who deserves to be more tired

Good post. According to MN every job done by a man seems to consist of sitting around doing very little, while women who work outside the home always have very busy, stressful jobs, with awful managers.