To have a bath when DH gets home

[Tralafala]

We have three kids. I'm a sahm. Kids are all under four years old and don't go to nursery (oldest goes to school nursery in the mornings for two hours). Life is hectic. By the time DH gets home I'm frazzled. I do all the night wakes as baby is breastfed and toddler is just out of nappies at night so wakes a lot to go for a wee and DH doesn't hear. DH works hard, is contracted 8-4.30 in a stressful job, and most days stays until about 5.30pm getting home around 5.45pm.

Aibu to go for a 45 min bath when he gets home? He feels that his day has been stressful and that is more than half of the time left until bedtime so not an even split. I feel that he should stop taking on more work and prioritise energy for the family so if he chooses to stay later then a) it makes my day longer and b) I have earned a relax.

This is about the only thing we disagree on. Help us navigate!

Good post. According to MN every job done by a man seems to consist of sitting around doing very little, while women who work outside the home always have very busy, stressful jobs, with awful managers.

This! Why the assumption that the DH has an easy, desk based job that consists predominantly of water cooler talk and tea breaks? Maybe he does but maybe he doesn't. I work in a clinic role and I am fried when I get home from a clinic day. I have been interacting with patients all day, grabbed 10 min for lunch in front of the computer, and usually have hours of admin left to do. I have also been a SAHP, and it can be so hard at times! But if my DH immediately went off and left me for 45 min over the witching hour when I walked in the door, every night, I'd feel incredibly resentful.

Wouldn't a better compromise be to go have 10 min to yourself, tag team the rest of the evening, and then be able to properly relax when the older ones are in bed?

To be honest, yes I think a 45 minute bath pre kids being in bed is unreasonable. I worked and my ex partner was a stay at home dad for a time, I had a very stressful job and continued to receive calls into the evening so I wouldn’t have coped with him taking long baths, being tired myself from work and the children and after hours work. That early evening time was for us to spend time together with the kids, make dinner and do baths and bed for the kids.

He ends at 5:30 at the lastest every day, has a 15 minute commute, you do all the kid stuff and he's moaning ??? I agree write down your respective "timesheets" it will give him a clue.

45 mins is a long bath to be fair

I don't think you're unreasonable but perhaps you can compromise.

When ours were little we would have tea, he would do bath time while I tidied up downstairs and then once the kids were in bed I would have my bath then while he had a shower and had a minute to himself. Would that work?

No it's not.

Take 15m when he comes in. To lay on bed. Read. Chill

Then both do tea bath bed for older 2

Then fed baby and dh can settle while you have a bath

I find it astonishing that he would begrudge you a 45 min break to yourself after he is in from work. It's not about the pathetic one up manship of who's role is more stressful, i would look at why he finds his job so stressful it hinders him from parenting, you OP are parenting all day, that's your role, without a break, all day. My DH used to finish work, get changed, nip the loo and take our DS off me. He had not seen his son from 07.30 until 17.30/18.00 ish so he didn't have long with him before bedtime.
You OP then get up to all the wake ups through the night. As many like to say on here, if you talk about a division of parenting labour after your working hours, this is not even at all.
Say for instance both your roles finish when he walks in the door and you are both responsible for parenting if you do it all together until bedtime, and then you are the only one getting up through the night, he is not pulling his weight. Have your bath.

He feels that his day has been stressful

Yes, of course he does. After all he’s been working.

Tell him to jog on. All you want is fecking bath

So he thinks his day is harder than yours but begrudges you a 45 minute break while he does the 'easier' job of looking after the kids. Hmmmm

I'd agree a look at work time is needed and yours includes night feeds and toilet trips.

I work 12 hours a week. Dh does 37 plus a 60 min commute. Monday-Fri I deal with DS (who is at school) and do housework. (Work fits around school) Evenings we do bed time together. Weekends we are 50/50 and both get a layin and op's for a break.

At work the time is 100% not yours but on the child care it is a mix depending on how the kids are behaving. You can squeeze in some TV and a look at your phone, meet a friend for lunch (you may choose not to as it’s trickier with three kids to take along) etc whilst doing the kids so let’s not make out it’s without a break, it’s just more like little breaks and without a 100% switch off break.

With work you’re shooting yourself in the foot if you go in looking dreadful and underperforming from lack of sleep so it may actually be beneficial for the SAHM to do all the nights but with a degree of flexibility and support when needed.

At work the time is 100% not yours
I think that can depend in the role, but you are always entitled to breaks, wether they are chosen to be taken is another thing, and you can always go the loo in peace.

but on the child care it is a mix depending on how the kids are behaving. You can squeeze in some TV and a look at your phone, meet a friend for lunch (you may choose not to as it’s trickier with three kids to take along) etc whilst doing the kid so let’s not make out it’s without a break, it’s just more like little breaks and without a 100% switch off break

I think the point is, there are 3 kids, who all have needs to be met at different times, I can't see this being a sitting around watching Tv sort of a role. But to have a relationship where you would have to justify this after not having a night of sleeping through, is not what I call a healthy relationship. As I say my DH didn't see our DS from 07.30 to 17.30 ish, then it was nearly bedtime when he got home, he wanted to see his child, it wasn't a chore to put in the "labour division list" some couples seem to need. And yes it can be an absolute joy being at home with your child, but it can also be stressful and relentless.

With work you’re shooting yourself in the foot if you go in looking dreadful and underperforming from lack of sleep so it may actually be beneficial for the SAHM to do all the nights but with a degree of flexibility and support when needed

Absolutely,I agree that can make perfect sense, but not if the father gets to sleep through while mum is getting up with 3 kids, then have the audacity to moan about a 45 min bath. No way.

OP also wants to decompress after a whole day looking after kids without a single second's break or alone time.

Go for a bath OP, and lock the door!

I work and at the moment hubby is a SAHD, the days I work I finish, come home and help with dinner if it’s not ready, do any bits of cleaning that need doing (hubby does cleaning all day) we have 5 children between us so the house literally does take all day to get on top of!

we’ll both help with bathtime and bedtime, hubby then goes and has some time to himself on his PlayStation & I’ll have a bath once there asleep.

this is our compromise, hubby knows he can’t go on his PlayStation until the kids stuff and house stuff is done, I know I can’t go for a bath until it’s all done aswell.

once there all settled that’s when we have some of our own time..

I don’t think you’re unreasonable for wanting your own time! You deserve it! Just move the time it happens that’s all, I think having it as soon as your DH walks through the door from being in work all day is unfair, you should both be doing the evening stuff together.

I totally get about him needing time to decompress too. The issue is that once baby is asleep on me (say 7.15pm) it's hit or miss whether he will transfer and stay settled on DH. So potentially I'm then in a position of having to resettle him or listening for cries (which wake the other two) and leaping out the bath, or not having a wash that day at all.
DH is great with the kids in general - does bath time and bed time for the older two (approx 6.35 till 7.20pm). It's just this period two or three times a week that is an issue. Other days I just say I'm going for a shower (approx 15 mins). But sometimes I just want to sit down!

You shouldn't have to explain...you want a bath and possibly to do your hair.. he can have the child for a bit jeez.

I think a sole/main breadwinner does have to prioritize their sleep more. A SAHP does have the option of just writing off a bad day or being a bit lazy sometimes (have a day where you put the TV on more than usual etc.) after a terrible night. If you are working in paid employment, you can lose your job if you are constantly making mistakes at work, and that's a big deal with there are three kids and two adults depending on a single income.

Its 45 minutes not 6 hour

This! You husband is a knob if he thinks anyone gets to sit with their feet up with young kids. You should be a team and he's not pulling his weight, work or not. I'd wait for my husband to come home before jumping in the shower while he spent some time with HIS children. We would then tackle bedtime together.

You do realise the OP is the one asking to ‘sit with their feet up’ and the husband the one opposing her doing so.

To be clear in no way do I think the OP is not pulling her weight (she comes across as a reasonable person) and it’s perfectly reasonable to ask for the bath time as long as it’s an ask rather than a demand. He’s also reasonable to oppose it being a scheduled (rather than agreed ad hoc) thing.

In our house this is what we would have called the happy hour just before bed. Although it’s not happy as everyone including the parents are tired and cranky. Surely it’s better to do the dinner time and bed routing together and go for a bath after in the understanding that he needs to listen out and attend to the children?

I think it’s very unusual for any mother (I would say parent but we know how it is) to have 45 minutes to themselves everyday.

I had 4 under 3 at one point (twins in.the mix). It does get easier xx and my husband was very good at getting home and being hands on and letting me have a breather. It's hard.

This! You husband is a knob if he thinks anyone gets to sit with their feet up with young kids. You should be a team and he's not pulling his weight, work or not. I'd wait for my husband to come home before jumping in the shower while he spent some time with HIS children. We would then tackle bedtime together

Absolutely this.