So, I think this is unreasonable behaviour from grandparent/step-grandparent but my husband thinks I should suck it up for the sake of our daughters (age 6, 7, and 9) having a relationship with their grandad.
Grandad is not very involved. He and my stepmother live 1.5hrs away from us but haven’t visited us in over three years, and he only sees his granddaughters if I drive them to his door.
Grandad made contact to ask Christmas plans, and after a bit of back and forth it was arranged that we (myself and the three girls) could drop in on Boxing Day, to break our journey on our way to visit a relative further across the county.
It wasn’t too long a drive - only an hour and a half - but enough that when we arrived, the girls all needed the loo, and I’d been running around since 7am to beat traffic heading out of London so I really needed a cuppa. My dad came out into the driveway to meet us, but then headed us off away from the front door and announced that we were all going on a walk right there and then.
My six and seven year olds protested, saying they really needed to use the loo, and they were allowed in a side door (it’s a big country house) to use the guest loo. That’s when my stepmother appeared and tried to get us all out of the house again, but the little one asked for a drink and made it clear she didn’t want to go on a walk, she wanted to get warm and settled after the long car journey. There was a bit of back and forth about this, and eventually the littlest one was allowed to sit and have a drink whilst grandad marched the others off for a walk.
When they got back we were offered tea and Christmas cake, exchanged presents etc, before my stepmother asked if we’d like another cup of tea “for the road”, which I took as my cue to get back on the road.
Later on, I told my husband about it, and he totally minimised the girls’ discomfort around not being straight away allowed to just have a wee and relax after the long car journey, and said “Well, at least they’ve seen their grandad” - like I’m the unreasonable one for thinking that behaviour like this suggests putting a boundary on visits to this grandparent.
It’s things like this all the time with this particular grandparent: the childrens’ needs are never put first. My husband always makes excuses for my dad, and makes me feel unreasonable for saying that the girls’ dignity and comfort should be the priority, and if drawing this boundary means they see their grandad less then so be it. My husband thinks we must accept the terms offered by my dad & stepmother in order for the girls to know their grandad. I just think their terms are unreasonable - keeping us outside the house after a long journey to see them, for example - but I’m being made to feel the unreasonable one here: ‘Just smile and be nice and take what they can offer you’.