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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grandparent/step-grandparent not to let granddaughters in to use loo and refresh after long car journey to see them?

128 replies

LondonMum79 · 27/12/2023 16:05

So, I think this is unreasonable behaviour from grandparent/step-grandparent but my husband thinks I should suck it up for the sake of our daughters (age 6, 7, and 9) having a relationship with their grandad.

Grandad is not very involved. He and my stepmother live 1.5hrs away from us but haven’t visited us in over three years, and he only sees his granddaughters if I drive them to his door.

Grandad made contact to ask Christmas plans, and after a bit of back and forth it was arranged that we (myself and the three girls) could drop in on Boxing Day, to break our journey on our way to visit a relative further across the county.

It wasn’t too long a drive - only an hour and a half - but enough that when we arrived, the girls all needed the loo, and I’d been running around since 7am to beat traffic heading out of London so I really needed a cuppa. My dad came out into the driveway to meet us, but then headed us off away from the front door and announced that we were all going on a walk right there and then.

My six and seven year olds protested, saying they really needed to use the loo, and they were allowed in a side door (it’s a big country house) to use the guest loo. That’s when my stepmother appeared and tried to get us all out of the house again, but the little one asked for a drink and made it clear she didn’t want to go on a walk, she wanted to get warm and settled after the long car journey. There was a bit of back and forth about this, and eventually the littlest one was allowed to sit and have a drink whilst grandad marched the others off for a walk.

When they got back we were offered tea and Christmas cake, exchanged presents etc, before my stepmother asked if we’d like another cup of tea “for the road”, which I took as my cue to get back on the road.

Later on, I told my husband about it, and he totally minimised the girls’ discomfort around not being straight away allowed to just have a wee and relax after the long car journey, and said “Well, at least they’ve seen their grandad” - like I’m the unreasonable one for thinking that behaviour like this suggests putting a boundary on visits to this grandparent.

It’s things like this all the time with this particular grandparent: the childrens’ needs are never put first. My husband always makes excuses for my dad, and makes me feel unreasonable for saying that the girls’ dignity and comfort should be the priority, and if drawing this boundary means they see their grandad less then so be it. My husband thinks we must accept the terms offered by my dad & stepmother in order for the girls to know their grandad. I just think their terms are unreasonable - keeping us outside the house after a long journey to see them, for example - but I’m being made to feel the unreasonable one here: ‘Just smile and be nice and take what they can offer you’.

OP posts:
IncompleteSenten · 27/12/2023 16:27

They really really did not want to see you.
I just wouldn't bother again tbh. What's the point in driving your children all that way just so they can feel unwanted? That's just cruel.

MzHz · 27/12/2023 16:29

Justforxmas2023 · 27/12/2023 16:08

YANBU
Cruel to deny a child a basic need! Why didn’t your stepmother want them in the house?

Hmm wonder if the kids are the spirited kind?

nutster · 27/12/2023 16:30

we (myself and the three girls)

so your husband wasn’t with you?

I suspect the Op won’t be back. She has just one other post when you search her name…. 6 years ago and very similar scenario and even says DH thinks I should just suck it up. So she started a thread, and then never bothered to return. And i reckon today will be the same.

We can look forward to another thread i. 6 years where her DH has suggested she suck something up

nutster · 27/12/2023 16:32

MzHz · 27/12/2023 16:29

Hmm wonder if the kids are the spirited kind?

Show quote history

even so…. for a flying visit over christmas period surely anyone could put up with a bit of “spirited” behaviour from…. a child…. on boxing day…. when presents are being exchanged and cake served?!

Nagado · 27/12/2023 16:34

I agree with pp’s that your DH may be thinking about an inheritance from your father at some point in the future. But A) that’s not guaranteed, especially with your step mother, and B) is it really worth the cost to their self esteem knowing that their grandfather doesn’t care enough about them to have a relationship with them? It’s one thing being a distant stranger, but it’s another entirely to keep bringing them to his door to keep being rejected.

You don’t have to fall out with him or announce that he’s not seeing your DD’s anymore. You just make yourself unavailable every time he invites you to visit. Or laugh and tell him that you’re not driving all that way to fight to be allowed over the doorstep so perhaps he’d be more comfortable with just telephone calls.

ExtraOnions · 27/12/2023 16:39

Slightly confused at the answers .. at no point were they denied access to the toilet. They asked to go, and used a side door to use a guest toilet.

Maybe it was the best door for that toilet .. who knows ??

They then went for a walk (lots of people do this on Boxing Day), other than the youngest who stayed behind (as requested).

They then fed & watered you, and gave you presents.

Sounds fine to me.

vodkaredbullgirl · 27/12/2023 16:40

This is the 2nd thread in 2 days, about not able to use the loo.

Littlenutroast · 27/12/2023 16:41

They obviously did not want your children to go into the house. Is it full of antiques and heirlooms? Are they worried about your children running about or something? Anyway they are very rude and I wouldn’t bother next year.

Fizzadora · 27/12/2023 16:45

This is your father you are talking about?
Step grandmother is isolating him from you and your family so that the inheritance can go to her family. It's that simple. Your DH is trying to keep in the loop.
Either have it out with him/them or cut contact entirely. At the moment there is no relationship, at least not one I would be happy with.

Sallyh87 · 27/12/2023 16:46

I think you should ask why he reacted that way? Why they weren’t allowed in the house etc? That is very weird. Then make it clear that you will not be visiting again on those terms.

Offer he cam visit you if he wants, I imagine he won’t. Numpty.

ExtraOnions · 27/12/2023 16:48

….but they were allowed in the house, firstly to use the toilet, and secondly to have cake and presents.

At what point were they “not allowed in the house” ?

MikeRafone · 27/12/2023 16:48

Its weird to try and stop 3 children from using the loo, let alone after a long car journey when many people need the loo after being sat for a while. How bizarre to think he could stop the call of nature

Workway · 27/12/2023 16:49

My DH is a bit the same. Either side of the family can say/do some outrageous things and mostly I just need to vent about it but he minimises everything. He takes deep offence when it's his side and eye rolls when it's my side - as if I just need to be more accepting. The result is I just don't feel heard, when I need a good moan. I'm not about to go NC with either side but they do, do something's that MN would certainly have them all banished for.

I wish I could keep my mouth shut because when I don't say anything he winds up saying it instead!! It's like his default position is to smooth everything over but if I'm all smiles, then he picks up on it instead and is absolutely indignant!

Brats4kid · 27/12/2023 16:50

It sounds like your step mother is the one behind this tbh.
If someone doesn't bother seeing my children, they are not worth mine or my children's time. My children will always come first.
I would have kicked off at not, allowing my children to use the toilet or have a drink. It's a basic need, that they protested against. I would have left there and then! 🤬

Brats4kid · 27/12/2023 16:51

Just to add, your husband is trying to downplay it, so not to upset you maybe?

melj1213 · 27/12/2023 16:52

Not entirely sure what the issue is TBF?

You arrived and rather than sitting in the house after the drive they assumed you'd want to stretch your legs and get out on a little walk; they probably thought that it was less faff to meet you at the door and go straight out than come in for a few minutes only to go back out; they probably didn't think of the logistics of children on a long journey needing the loo but when asked they were let in without fuss.

Not sure what the issue was with using the side door - my parents live in a large house and everyone uses the "Tradesman's entrance" - you know it's a special occasion/someone hasn't been to the house before if they go to the front door - purely because it's the most logical door to use as it's the first one you come to when you walk up the drive.

Then they had tea, swapped presents and after a little while suggested you needed to be on your way ... If you'd told them you were just stopping off enroute somewhere they may have been conscious about you driving in the dark/arriving late at your ultimate destination.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 27/12/2023 16:52

That’s ridiculous of them! Of course they should be allowed to go to the loo and everyone get settled and relaxed before being herded out for a walk.

Your DH response is ridiculous too. I don’t think males (men and boys) every quite understand the urgency with which women and girls can need the loo, or the discomfort of it for us. Plus, he probably thought they could have a “wild wee” which is a much less comfortable thing for a girl than a boy, even though possible!

I wouldn’t be going to see them again!

nutster · 27/12/2023 16:52

Workway · 27/12/2023 16:49

My DH is a bit the same. Either side of the family can say/do some outrageous things and mostly I just need to vent about it but he minimises everything. He takes deep offence when it's his side and eye rolls when it's my side - as if I just need to be more accepting. The result is I just don't feel heard, when I need a good moan. I'm not about to go NC with either side but they do, do something's that MN would certainly have them all banished for.

I wish I could keep my mouth shut because when I don't say anything he winds up saying it instead!! It's like his default position is to smooth everything over but if I'm all smiles, then he picks up on it instead and is absolutely indignant!

he gets indignant if you are all smiles? but also gets pissed off if you’re not?

ChocolateCinderToffee · 27/12/2023 16:54

I wonder if they were entertaining other people, whom they didn't want you to see?

In any case, batshit behaviour and completely unacceptable.

baubl · 27/12/2023 16:54

I don't know why you're even bothering. There's no relationship there and since it's your dad I feel it's your decision how to handle it.

Apologies for the crass question but since you mentioned a large country house, Is there a potential big inheritance there that your DH has his eye on?

Baircasolly · 27/12/2023 17:00

Has your husband got an eye and a half on this amazing country pile when he tells you to smile and put up with this shitty behaviour.....?

TitaniasAss · 27/12/2023 17:00

I can't imagine being in this situation and not saying don't be daft dad the girls need to use the loo.

It doesn't sound like you have much of a relationship with him either if you couldn't speak up for your girls to your own dad. I don't think I would even bother making the effort again but I would certainly explain why.

Faceache45 · 27/12/2023 17:02

Its your dad. See him or don't see him. It's not really up to your husband.

Jk8 · 27/12/2023 17:03

Unless there was an agreement to travel to your fathers so he could take you all for a walk (?) I'd have just insisted on using the toilet & leaving 'because it's obvious you/step mother doesn't want us here' & left

So really you were all being unreasonable

itsmylife7 · 27/12/2023 17:03

Honestly WHY are you putting yourself and your children through this torture ?

Accept the fact your Father is putting his wife before YOU.

As for your husband .........hes talking shite