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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grandparent/step-grandparent not to let granddaughters in to use loo and refresh after long car journey to see them?

128 replies

LondonMum79 · 27/12/2023 16:05

So, I think this is unreasonable behaviour from grandparent/step-grandparent but my husband thinks I should suck it up for the sake of our daughters (age 6, 7, and 9) having a relationship with their grandad.

Grandad is not very involved. He and my stepmother live 1.5hrs away from us but haven’t visited us in over three years, and he only sees his granddaughters if I drive them to his door.

Grandad made contact to ask Christmas plans, and after a bit of back and forth it was arranged that we (myself and the three girls) could drop in on Boxing Day, to break our journey on our way to visit a relative further across the county.

It wasn’t too long a drive - only an hour and a half - but enough that when we arrived, the girls all needed the loo, and I’d been running around since 7am to beat traffic heading out of London so I really needed a cuppa. My dad came out into the driveway to meet us, but then headed us off away from the front door and announced that we were all going on a walk right there and then.

My six and seven year olds protested, saying they really needed to use the loo, and they were allowed in a side door (it’s a big country house) to use the guest loo. That’s when my stepmother appeared and tried to get us all out of the house again, but the little one asked for a drink and made it clear she didn’t want to go on a walk, she wanted to get warm and settled after the long car journey. There was a bit of back and forth about this, and eventually the littlest one was allowed to sit and have a drink whilst grandad marched the others off for a walk.

When they got back we were offered tea and Christmas cake, exchanged presents etc, before my stepmother asked if we’d like another cup of tea “for the road”, which I took as my cue to get back on the road.

Later on, I told my husband about it, and he totally minimised the girls’ discomfort around not being straight away allowed to just have a wee and relax after the long car journey, and said “Well, at least they’ve seen their grandad” - like I’m the unreasonable one for thinking that behaviour like this suggests putting a boundary on visits to this grandparent.

It’s things like this all the time with this particular grandparent: the childrens’ needs are never put first. My husband always makes excuses for my dad, and makes me feel unreasonable for saying that the girls’ dignity and comfort should be the priority, and if drawing this boundary means they see their grandad less then so be it. My husband thinks we must accept the terms offered by my dad & stepmother in order for the girls to know their grandad. I just think their terms are unreasonable - keeping us outside the house after a long journey to see them, for example - but I’m being made to feel the unreasonable one here: ‘Just smile and be nice and take what they can offer you’.

OP posts:
Previousreligion · 27/12/2023 20:41

From the fact your Dad got in touch to ask about your plans and wanted to go for a walk immediately, I'd assume from your post that:

A) he does want a relationship
B) the step-mother is the problem and she doesn't want to see you for some reason
C) he might have thought a walk was a great idea if you've been stuck in the car for ages. Tbh I'd have loved that.

Muchof · 27/12/2023 20:44

I was a bit confused over the grandfather reference, but I deduce this is your father. You didn’t make much effort for them either just stopping off on your way elsewhere and they were equally very unwelcoming to you. Just give it up, none of you can be bothered. Next time, stop at the services for your loo break.

Catsmere · 27/12/2023 20:44

What’s this stupid prick trying to do, give them all UTIs? I wouldn’t bother visiting him again. There’s no relationship to foster, his grandchildren clearly mean very little to him.

flowerchild2000 · 27/12/2023 20:48

saraclara · 27/12/2023 20:29

Read OP's title

Grandparent/step-grandparent not to let granddaughters in to use loo

They did let them in and they did get to use the loo

Show quote history

Yes, after what sequence of events? C'mon this is childish.

CrapBucket · 27/12/2023 20:50

Is this for real or are we supposed to share with you our own toilet related tales and all the male opinions about them?

bellac11 · 27/12/2023 20:56

flowerchild2000 · 27/12/2023 20:20

As I said in my previous reply, you weren't there, OP was. I see no need to minimize her feelings or gaslight her that things didn't happen the way she said they did. I believe her and yes she was very clear about the sequence of events. So you don't see an issue, that's fine. But don't try to undermine her, that's really shitty.

Show quote history

Oh just stop with the gaslighting shit

She said they werent allowed in and they were, who is gaslighting who here?

She hasnt set out the sequence of events and you claimed she had to push for them to be allowed in, it doesnt say this anywhere in the OP, which is all anyone has to go on.

And just for your information, feelings are not always reliable, there is nothing wrong with challenging a narrative or questioning a situation, it doesnt minimise anything.

flowerchild2000 · 27/12/2023 20:59

bellac11 · 27/12/2023 20:56

Oh just stop with the gaslighting shit

She said they werent allowed in and they were, who is gaslighting who here?

She hasnt set out the sequence of events and you claimed she had to push for them to be allowed in, it doesnt say this anywhere in the OP, which is all anyone has to go on.

And just for your information, feelings are not always reliable, there is nothing wrong with challenging a narrative or questioning a situation, it doesnt minimise anything.

Show quote history

You sound lovely.

Summasolstice · 27/12/2023 21:28

My dad came out into the driveway to meet us, but then headed us off away from the front door and announced that we were all going on a walk right there and then. My six and seven year olds protested, saying they really needed to use the loo, and they were allowed in a side door (it’s a big country house) to use the guest loo.

what a story

Bananacup · 27/12/2023 21:46

Catsmere · 27/12/2023 20:44

What’s this stupid prick trying to do, give them all UTIs? I wouldn’t bother visiting him again. There’s no relationship to foster, his grandchildren clearly mean very little to him.

Genuinely confused here. The kids used the loo. The grandparents suggested a walk. One of the kids didn't want to, so didn't. Then they went inside and chilled. What is the bad bit?

Bananacup · 27/12/2023 21:47

Takenoprisoner · 27/12/2023 20:29

This, basically.

Come on op, stop putting yourself and your daughters through this humiliation and rejection. Sod what your dh says. Your ghastly parents don't deserve a relationship with your dc. Stop visiting, if they complain, remember they reap what they've sown.

Show quote history

What about the story is humiliating or rejecting?

thebestinterest · 27/12/2023 21:55

Strongly disagree with your husband. STRONGLY.

Katemax82 · 27/12/2023 21:57

My opinion as a stepmother to a man with kids. I never got on with my oldest stepson. However I would never treat him, his kids or fiance like that. My husband wouldn't ever treat his son or grandkids like that. Its vile. Your kids deserve better

Catsmere · 27/12/2023 22:11

Bananacup · 27/12/2023 21:46

Genuinely confused here. The kids used the loo. The grandparents suggested a walk. One of the kids didn't want to, so didn't. Then they went inside and chilled. What is the bad bit?

Show quote history

Just the way he didn't initially want to let them in the house, but go straight from the car to a walk. Wouldn't it be obvious that they'd need to use the loo after being stuck in the car for a while? Wouldn't it be courteous to offer?

melj1213 · 27/12/2023 23:03

Catsmere · 27/12/2023 22:11

Just the way he didn't initially want to let them in the house, but go straight from the car to a walk. Wouldn't it be obvious that they'd need to use the loo after being stuck in the car for a while? Wouldn't it be courteous to offer?

Show quote history

But we have no idea how it actually went down.

For all we know the exchange went:

<Car pulls up and dad walks out of house>
Dad: Hello! I saw the car pulling up from the window, how was the drive? I thought that since you've been driving for a while you'd want to stretch your legs so I thought we'd go for a little walk before we go in for some tea, especially while the weather is nice.
Child 1: I need a wee!
Child 2: me too!
Dad: Oh, ok well go in the side door, it's closest to the guest bathroom which is the first door on your right when you go in then we'll go for that walk while <step mum> gets tea/cake ready

It doesn't have to be a rude or unwelcoming - he may have been waiting for them to arrive and had seen from the window or he may have been desperate to go out for a walk himself but was waiting for the OP to arrive so wanted to get out asap, either way it doesn't have to be a negative thing.

The OP stayed long enough for her kids to go for a walk, have tea and cake, open presents, chitchat and then be offered another round of tea ... That's hardly unwelcoming behaviour - of they were genuinely unwelcome then they wouldn't have even let them in the house, never mind hosted them with food and drink.

Bananacup · 27/12/2023 23:31

Catsmere · 27/12/2023 22:11

Just the way he didn't initially want to let them in the house, but go straight from the car to a walk. Wouldn't it be obvious that they'd need to use the loo after being stuck in the car for a while? Wouldn't it be courteous to offer?

Show quote history

Nope, it's not obvious at all. Maybe they stopped at a motorway services. The walk itself is thoughtful, perfect thing for kids who have been cooped up

You don't normally have to offer loos to people, they just say when they need it!

Catsmere · 28/12/2023 02:31

@melj1213 and @Bananacup - it may come down to interpretation, but I didn't read OP's description that way.

Cherryana · 28/12/2023 04:56

Step mother doesn’t want a relationship with you because it will be easier to take the inheritance and run in a few years.

I think you should see them more not less to remind Grandad of his family ties.

Scarlettpixie · 28/12/2023 09:29

I am surprised at how many people are saying to stop seeing the grandparents here.

The OPs Dad though it would be nice to go for a walk after being in the car for 90 minutes and perhaps he liked the idea of spending a bit of time with them all without step mum.

ok he was a bit thoughtless not asking ever if they needed the loo but the kids asked and were allowed to use the loo. Nothing wrong with using the one closest to outside.

the youngest was allowed to stay behind with step grandma who presumably had not expected to be the babysitter and perhaps had looked forward to half an hour to herself while her DH and you all took a walk.

you all went back for tea and cake and presents. This does not add up to not being allowed in the house. Yes step grandma may have been hinting for you to leave but equally may have just been offering more tea.

JMSA · 28/12/2023 09:30

Really weird!
YANBU.

Bingobatman · 28/12/2023 09:40

Oh fgs.
No wonder we’re churning out snowflakes who can’t cope with anything.
I can’t see any abuse here. He didn’t stop them from using the loo. He sounds a bit taciturn and the SM rather unwelcoming.
And people think that’s a reason for going NC?!
I do sympathise since it doesn’t sound as if your relationship with your dad is that great, and that might hurt a bit. But I wouldn’t over react, the way that some people here are suggesting.
As a PP mentioned, I think you should be going for more contact, not less. I also think it’s not a bad thing for kids (and you!) to be exposed to resistance so they can get used to it, since people aren’t always agreeable, and develop some pushback/negotiation skills.

DonnaBanana · 28/12/2023 09:48

I suspect there’s something about the main part of the house he doesn’t want you to see. Maybe they have fallen on hard times and it’s falling apart and he has too much pride like a lot of old people do. Or maybe the step grandmother has a mental illness or is a hoarder or who knows what. Actually yeah I’m going with hoarders.

Soontobe60 · 28/12/2023 10:00

Catsmere · 27/12/2023 22:11

Just the way he didn't initially want to let them in the house, but go straight from the car to a walk. Wouldn't it be obvious that they'd need to use the loo after being stuck in the car for a while? Wouldn't it be courteous to offer?

Show quote history

My six and seven year olds protested, saying they really needed to use the loo, and they were allowed in a side door (it’s a big country house) to use the guest loo. That’s when my stepmother appeared and tried to get us all out of the house again, but the little one asked for a drink and made it clear she didn’t want to go on a walk, she wanted to get warm and settled after the long car journey. There was a bit of back and forth about this, and eventually the littlest one was allowed to sit and have a drink whilst grandad marched the others off for a walk
The children arrived, Grandpa was waiting at the gate to take them on a walk, they wanted to loo, they went to the loo. Stepmother ushered them outside - maybe she knew grandpa was waiting to go on the walk - one didn’t want to go so stayed inside.
At no point does the OP say the GP wouldn’t let them go inside. Weirdly, when I have guests I don’t ask them if they need to use to loo when they arrive. But if they did say hang on, I need the loo before we go walking, I’d say OK I’ll wait for you outside. Which is precisely what happened.

Soontobe60 · 28/12/2023 10:01

DonnaBanana · 28/12/2023 09:48

I suspect there’s something about the main part of the house he doesn’t want you to see. Maybe they have fallen on hard times and it’s falling apart and he has too much pride like a lot of old people do. Or maybe the step grandmother has a mental illness or is a hoarder or who knows what. Actually yeah I’m going with hoarders.

You’ve got a great imagination!

Scarlettpixie · 28/12/2023 11:03

DonnaBanana · 28/12/2023 09:48

I suspect there’s something about the main part of the house he doesn’t want you to see. Maybe they have fallen on hard times and it’s falling apart and he has too much pride like a lot of old people do. Or maybe the step grandmother has a mental illness or is a hoarder or who knows what. Actually yeah I’m going with hoarders.

But they did go inside after the walk. They had tea and cake and exchanged presents.

melj1213 · 28/12/2023 12:11

Catsmere · 28/12/2023 02:31

@melj1213 and @Bananacup - it may come down to interpretation, but I didn't read OP's description that way.

I come from the belief that it is better to assume ignorance as opposed to malice in someone's actions, until they explicitly prove otherwise.

In this case the OP has not shown any explicit malice in her father's actions - he came out and wanted to go for a walk, didn't think the children might need the loo but then when they asked he let them use it ... The OPs stepmother then tried to usher them back out, presumably because she knew everyone was waiting to go for the walk and when the smallest child didn't want to go they were allowed to stay in the house with their step grandmother.

None of these actions are actions of people who don't want the OP to visit, just the actions of people who aren't used to the needs of small children.