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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grandparent/step-grandparent not to let granddaughters in to use loo and refresh after long car journey to see them?

128 replies

LondonMum79 · 27/12/2023 16:05

So, I think this is unreasonable behaviour from grandparent/step-grandparent but my husband thinks I should suck it up for the sake of our daughters (age 6, 7, and 9) having a relationship with their grandad.

Grandad is not very involved. He and my stepmother live 1.5hrs away from us but haven’t visited us in over three years, and he only sees his granddaughters if I drive them to his door.

Grandad made contact to ask Christmas plans, and after a bit of back and forth it was arranged that we (myself and the three girls) could drop in on Boxing Day, to break our journey on our way to visit a relative further across the county.

It wasn’t too long a drive - only an hour and a half - but enough that when we arrived, the girls all needed the loo, and I’d been running around since 7am to beat traffic heading out of London so I really needed a cuppa. My dad came out into the driveway to meet us, but then headed us off away from the front door and announced that we were all going on a walk right there and then.

My six and seven year olds protested, saying they really needed to use the loo, and they were allowed in a side door (it’s a big country house) to use the guest loo. That’s when my stepmother appeared and tried to get us all out of the house again, but the little one asked for a drink and made it clear she didn’t want to go on a walk, she wanted to get warm and settled after the long car journey. There was a bit of back and forth about this, and eventually the littlest one was allowed to sit and have a drink whilst grandad marched the others off for a walk.

When they got back we were offered tea and Christmas cake, exchanged presents etc, before my stepmother asked if we’d like another cup of tea “for the road”, which I took as my cue to get back on the road.

Later on, I told my husband about it, and he totally minimised the girls’ discomfort around not being straight away allowed to just have a wee and relax after the long car journey, and said “Well, at least they’ve seen their grandad” - like I’m the unreasonable one for thinking that behaviour like this suggests putting a boundary on visits to this grandparent.

It’s things like this all the time with this particular grandparent: the childrens’ needs are never put first. My husband always makes excuses for my dad, and makes me feel unreasonable for saying that the girls’ dignity and comfort should be the priority, and if drawing this boundary means they see their grandad less then so be it. My husband thinks we must accept the terms offered by my dad & stepmother in order for the girls to know their grandad. I just think their terms are unreasonable - keeping us outside the house after a long journey to see them, for example - but I’m being made to feel the unreasonable one here: ‘Just smile and be nice and take what they can offer you’.

OP posts:
pikkumyy77 · 27/12/2023 19:05

WhereIsBebèsChambre · 27/12/2023 17:17

My thoughts exactly!

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Yup!

Also really amazed at sll the people saying “what’s the problem “ with grandpa blocking the door to the house and needing high level negotiations to access the loo?

RantyAnty · 27/12/2023 19:09

Are they massive hoarders?

millymoo1202 · 27/12/2023 19:09

What is wrong with people thinking this is ok? They’re kids for goodness sake and were asked to visit. I’d just not bother in future and why does your husband think this is ok?

Workway · 27/12/2023 19:46

nutster · 27/12/2023 16:52

he gets indignant if you are all smiles? but also gets pissed off if you’re not?

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So example - say MIL says something like, 'well you really should have redecorated bathroom' and I go to DH and complain, his default is to smooth it over, minimise it, make excuses, tell me I misunderstood - alot of 'no no she didn't mean it like that, she just wants us to have a nice bathroom, you're misunderstanding' or 'it's family, what can you do'.

but if MIL says it within his earshot and I don't complain later - then he'll be all indignant and 'can you believe what my Mum said, I'm furious, what business it is of hers if our bathroom needs redecorating' etc.

But if I said that he would never join me in the criticism - he'd never say - I know what you mean it's outrageous! Which is mostly just what I need to hear. This all a fictional example btw.

But basically whenever we have a family visit I'm usually left reeling and it's the act of me reeling that puts him on some sort of defence. But on the odd occasion I haven't said anything he's the one that's angry.

For me, I just never feel like he's team wife - sometimes I just want, infact I'd go as far as to say need - a partner in crime to moan with - so DH and I can be indignant together. But if I'm angry, pissed off, upset - it's like I'm someone to sooth, a woman in need of calming down, or a problem to solve.

I've explained it 1000 times, he doesn't get it. I really should just learn to say nothing.

I would say my DH has a tendency to be on the contrary side basically. He can be quite patronising at times. Not all the time. He's mostly a good man, but I'd list this as a thorn in the side of our marriage. In moments of perceived hurt caused by family - whether his or mine, I feel very abandoned rather than understood.

I brought it up because I wondered if the OPs husband could be similar, that her DH's disposition is to 'calm her down', and maybe if she hadn't said anything he would be the one full of outrage.

uclpp · 27/12/2023 19:50

The man is a prick

if you or your husband really want to keep goign, you’ll need to stop at a service station 15 mins before you get to theirs. Give the kids a toilet/drink/snack. Arrive at wanker’s house. Go for walk with wanker. Leave.

HowToSaveAWife · 27/12/2023 19:52

Any chance DH has his eyes on the future inheritance from GF & his country house? And that's why he's willing to put their rudeness ahead of DDs' comfort?

Go NC. Act surprised if they want to see you again. Refusing access to a toilet, and then given the bum rush after one cup of tea?! Bizarre.

Townhouselights · 27/12/2023 20:00

The majority of the responses are so odd. Are we reading the same OP?

The girls wanted the loo - went to the loo.

Youngest wanted a rest and didn't want to go for a walk - had a rest didn't go for a walk.

Refreshments were had and presents exchanged.

Perhaps they are a little less relaxed than some GPs but other than that I can't see the issue.

The OP's title is nonsense. If they were actually denied the loo and a snack then fine, but that didn't happen, did it.

Drama over nothing.

InsomniacA · 27/12/2023 20:00

Have you seen inside of their home recently, OP?

My elderly neighbour was like this. It turned out she was struggling and her home was a hoarding situation.

neonjumper · 27/12/2023 20:01

Seems like your Dh might be prioritising future inheritance over his children's comfort, was my initial thought

flowerchild2000 · 27/12/2023 20:08

I don't see the point in prioritizing their relationship if they treat your kids badly. Did they offer a reason for trying to push them out of the house/refusing access to the toilet? It's just mind boggling. Your kids would have soiled their clothes if they hadn't been able to use the toilet when they asked. This is common sense and also says a lot about their level of care for your children, who are more sensitive than an adult would be, so they are absorbing this inhospitable behavior. I wouldn't want to go back myself, I can only imagine a child feeling unwanted and uncared for. I wouldn't let that happen again. Go low contact and if they want to see your kids they can visit. Or maybe meet at a restaurant next time so they can't tell them they can't use the toilet or have a drink.

flowerchild2000 · 27/12/2023 20:09

Townhouselights · 27/12/2023 20:00

The majority of the responses are so odd. Are we reading the same OP?

The girls wanted the loo - went to the loo.

Youngest wanted a rest and didn't want to go for a walk - had a rest didn't go for a walk.

Refreshments were had and presents exchanged.

Perhaps they are a little less relaxed than some GPs but other than that I can't see the issue.

The OP's title is nonsense. If they were actually denied the loo and a snack then fine, but that didn't happen, did it.

Drama over nothing.

She had to really push to be allowed inside. Her post clearly states that.

saraclara · 27/12/2023 20:12

oakleaffy · 27/12/2023 17:18

Have the kids left the loo in a state before??
Can’t think of any other reason to forbid use of a loo!
Bizarre behaviour.

No-one forbade the loo. The girls used it. But OP thought it an inferior loo because it was near the side entrance.

This thread is weird.

Tinkerbyebye · 27/12/2023 20:14

i wouldn’t go. I would simply say if you want to see them then please pop over,let s arrange a date for that

Townhouselights · 27/12/2023 20:15

flowerchild2000 · 27/12/2023 20:09

She had to really push to be allowed inside. Her post clearly states that.

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But they still did/got what they wanted/needed. The GPs didn't automatically offer, but they didn't deny anyone anything. OP is acting like her girls were denied the toilet or food. They weren't. They GPs sound out of touch and set in their ways. But that's all. The title makes them sound much much worse than they were.

mn29 · 27/12/2023 20:16

I can’t really think why your husband wants to keep him sweet, although you did mention a big country house - is he thinking about inheritance maybe? I’m on your side, think your dad and stepmum’s behaviour is unreasonable and would be inclined to see him less.

bellac11 · 27/12/2023 20:17

flowerchild2000 · 27/12/2023 20:09

She had to really push to be allowed inside. Her post clearly states that.

Show quote history

OP doesnt clearly state that at all

She says her dad met them at the gate and walked off to go for the walk

The children 'protested' ie, saying 'but I need the loo'

Then they went to the loo

Its unclear what is meant by the stepmother trying to get them out of the house, what did she say and do to indicate this, was she preoccupied with the 'plan' that grandad was going/wanting to go for a walk. Was it that they had some timescale in mind known only to them.

OP hasnt given more detail but she doesnt say she really had to push to be allowed inside, she simply says the kids made it known they needed the loo rather than following grandad in the direction he was going walking and therefore used the loo

flowerchild2000 · 27/12/2023 20:18

Townhouselights · 27/12/2023 20:15

But they still did/got what they wanted/needed. The GPs didn't automatically offer, but they didn't deny anyone anything. OP is acting like her girls were denied the toilet or food. They weren't. They GPs sound out of touch and set in their ways. But that's all. The title makes them sound much much worse than they were.

Show quote history

You weren't there while OP was, so I'm just going to take OP at her word and not minimize her feelings or gaslight her that things weren't as she said.

Townhouselights · 27/12/2023 20:20

flowerchild2000 · 27/12/2023 20:18

You weren't there while OP was, so I'm just going to take OP at her word and not minimize her feelings or gaslight her that things weren't as she said.

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Gaslight her? That her girls weren't allowed the toilet or food, when they were? That's not gas lighting or minimising. It's factual.

flowerchild2000 · 27/12/2023 20:20

bellac11 · 27/12/2023 20:17

OP doesnt clearly state that at all

She says her dad met them at the gate and walked off to go for the walk

The children 'protested' ie, saying 'but I need the loo'

Then they went to the loo

Its unclear what is meant by the stepmother trying to get them out of the house, what did she say and do to indicate this, was she preoccupied with the 'plan' that grandad was going/wanting to go for a walk. Was it that they had some timescale in mind known only to them.

OP hasnt given more detail but she doesnt say she really had to push to be allowed inside, she simply says the kids made it known they needed the loo rather than following grandad in the direction he was going walking and therefore used the loo

Show quote history

As I said in my previous reply, you weren't there, OP was. I see no need to minimize her feelings or gaslight her that things didn't happen the way she said they did. I believe her and yes she was very clear about the sequence of events. So you don't see an issue, that's fine. But don't try to undermine her, that's really shitty.

Takenoprisoner · 27/12/2023 20:29

Nanny0gg · 27/12/2023 16:07

What relationship are you fostering? There isn't one

Stop bothering

This, basically.

Come on op, stop putting yourself and your daughters through this humiliation and rejection. Sod what your dh says. Your ghastly parents don't deserve a relationship with your dc. Stop visiting, if they complain, remember they reap what they've sown.

saraclara · 27/12/2023 20:29

flowerchild2000 · 27/12/2023 20:20

As I said in my previous reply, you weren't there, OP was. I see no need to minimize her feelings or gaslight her that things didn't happen the way she said they did. I believe her and yes she was very clear about the sequence of events. So you don't see an issue, that's fine. But don't try to undermine her, that's really shitty.

Show quote history

Read OP's title

Grandparent/step-grandparent not to let granddaughters in to use loo

They did let them in and they did get to use the loo

Simplelobsterhat · 27/12/2023 20:32

It does sound like odd, unwelcoming behaviour, but I'm not sure why people are saying they weren't allowed to use the toilet - I though op says he did let them? Ok it wasn't on his initial plan but he did let them. And also let the littlest one stay at home instead of going for a walk, when a lot of people would insist children did what they were told. And don't lots of people use side doors of houses, particularly if going on muddy walks, or for informal people like family? Also, if someone was 'popping in' on route somewhere else I'd assume they'd be leaving if they'd been there long enough for a walk and coffee and cake too, unless a meal had been discussed in advance.

This incident in particular doesn't seem enough to stop contact over, unless I've misunderstood something. I get it's part of a wider pattern though!

Limeandsodaontherocks · 27/12/2023 20:33

flowerchild2000 · 27/12/2023 20:20

As I said in my previous reply, you weren't there, OP was. I see no need to minimize her feelings or gaslight her that things didn't happen the way she said they did. I believe her and yes she was very clear about the sequence of events. So you don't see an issue, that's fine. But don't try to undermine her, that's really shitty.

Show quote history

But this is AIBU …. So it’s not “ shitty” to show there is another way of looking at the situation.. The OP has asked for opinions….

Bananacup · 27/12/2023 20:37

flowerchild2000 · 27/12/2023 20:08

I don't see the point in prioritizing their relationship if they treat your kids badly. Did they offer a reason for trying to push them out of the house/refusing access to the toilet? It's just mind boggling. Your kids would have soiled their clothes if they hadn't been able to use the toilet when they asked. This is common sense and also says a lot about their level of care for your children, who are more sensitive than an adult would be, so they are absorbing this inhospitable behavior. I wouldn't want to go back myself, I can only imagine a child feeling unwanted and uncared for. I wouldn't let that happen again. Go low contact and if they want to see your kids they can visit. Or maybe meet at a restaurant next time so they can't tell them they can't use the toilet or have a drink.

But they didn't forbid the loo. The kids used the loo

Niallig32839 · 27/12/2023 20:39

it is rude and strange behaviour and I would feel uncomfortable. Perhaps the house is not in a good condition and they are embarrassed to have people in? Otherwise just rude people, I’d not go out my way again to go back