SIL keeping BIL away from family

[AIB78]

So nc for this and apologies if its long and or confusing. My DH has three brothers, all fairly close in age and live locally. One of his brothers is with his wife a long time and they have teenage kids. A few years ago his wife had an affair but he stayed with her. Since then myself and my DH have not spoken to her as we were very hurt by what she did and my previous husband cheated on me so it brought back bad memories. She did have some relationship with other family members but nothing really now.

My problem is over the last couple of years BIL has pulled away from all of his family. They no longer attend any important family gatherings, birthdays, funerals etc but this was the first year BIL and their DC did not visit PIL on Christmas night. He visited it earlier in the day with them. SIL hasn't visited at Christmas since the affair.

I get on with my other BILs and SIL and we are angry that BIL is choosing to do this. Being honest we don't really want a relationship with SIL but it looks like in order to have BIL in our lives he comes as a package deal. How can we navigate this? Do we just suck it up and get on with her for BIL, although I don't think I could be that fake to somebody I actually despise.

This is a very short version. Its going on seven years now.

This has nothing to do with you. At this point everyone should be cutting you off.

You sound extremely self absorbed.

To be honest it sounds like the fault is yours. You’ve turned something (her affair) that had nothing to do with you to something that is all about you.

I don’t blame her for not wanting to be around you all, and him either.

You say you’re “not ready” to be around her yet; sounds like she has no interest in being around you all either.

You’ve all kind of made your beds here. Or you reap what you sow, for another cliche that relates to this situation.

Also, off-topic, but you’ve seen your PIL every day since Christmas Eve?

I’d be happily out of this excessive faaaaaaamily if I was the SIL

'About two years after her affair myself and DH were coming around to the idea of sorting things out, we had been talking to MIL about it a lot. So you'd been talking to MIL about it a lot. But then something happened - 'nothing serious', mind you 🤔 - but a transgression still bad enough in your eyes that SIL had to stay in the freezer.

You sound as if you are enjoying your power an awful lot.

I imagine SIL is thankful to be shot of you. I am only amazed she and BIL haven't run for the hills and moved far, far away with their DCs a long time ago, muttering FOTTFSOF.

I had a relation that had an affair while his wife was pregnant. I could have strangled the bastard quite honestly but living in the real world has taught me that stuff like this happens and not everything warrants a reaction.

They stayed together and had a further child and are a happy family that I see regularly and they enrich my life to a huge degree.

You really must learn to let stuff wash over you OP or you will go through life crippled. She didn't kill someone and he might be an asshole to live with or something to make the issue not black and white. Most of life is shades of grey. Learn this and life will be so much easier for you.

If he’s forgiven her and moved on none of your business, no wonder this situations evolved if you ostracised her.

I mean this woman is your husband's brother's wife! Same as you are to her. You have been thrown into the mix together by sheer chance. She's a random as far as you're concerned.
Why are you so intent on her? Why do you need to control how others view her to the tune of seven years of judgement?
Why do you need that? Ask yourself.

Exactly this! He's forgiven her, it's none of your business and not your call to ignore her - the reason he's staying away is because of you lot

OP the world does not revolve around you.

You don't get to make choices for others.

Your husband needs to grow a backbone and stop letting you dictate what he and others should be doing.

Your brother in law has boundaries and is probably glad that he does not have to go to PIL on Christmas evening and face his disapproving in laws, I am sure he was at home having a lovely time with his family and not spending hours with a bunch of judgemental idiots.

OP you sound like a narc, it's going to get lonely on your moral high ground.

Wow. She made a mistake, her husband, who is the only one it actually affected, forgave her - but you felt you had the right to be judge, jury and executioner.

You quite clearly love bitching about her to your MIL and then seem actually surprised that she doesn’t want your children for sleepovers anymore.

This.
You may not agree with his choice but its the one he made and if you and the family want a relationship with BIL you need to accept his decision and move on and not hold a grudge

You don't know if you are ready ? It's not about you it's about your BIL. Grow up and support him, if he wants to forgive then that's his decision so suck it up and be civil.

Totally this.

Their marriage has nothing whatsoever to do with you or your ex’s affair, unless your SIL had an affair with your ex?

Why on earth are you projecting your baggage onto this couple ?

@AIB78 when you made it all about you, you set this path.

You don't have to like her or forgive her for hurting him but you do have to understand that he will prioritise his relationship which people are told to do all the time on here.

Whilst I get being cheated on had a big impact on you, you need to manage that yourself because they are not responsible for your previous trauma.

She may be awful and all that but she might be someone who made a terrible mistake/error/moment of madness and is desperately trying to make up for that.
I can't imagine walking into a situation where she knows she's not forgiven or welcome.

I think you need to do some big repair work if you want to have a relationship with your BIL again.

I can't believe the pasting you had on here. She is utter trash, I wouldn't want anything to do with her either. She probably doesn't have the guts to face anyone, how could she after what she did. And your Bil is supporting her because he is embarrassed too but can't really fight her case knowing he accepted it. I wouldn't bother about them tbh. The only thing is Pil , as long as they see the kids. Laughable that you all should be rushing after her to make amends and sucking up to her, after what she did.

Grow up and get a
Grip!! This ISNT about you!! It's about your BIL and he's chosen to forgive - ffs you're creating an environment no one would want to willingly go into - wind your neck in and stop putting barriers in the way of a family that you're a very small part of

Then you don't deserve a supportive family either. This doesn't make you a good person.

Timeline:

7 years ago BIL had a marital issue that he resolved and they stayed together. He foolishly told some member of his family and they spread it around as gossip and ostracised his wife.

5 years ago the OP and the family were toying with the idea of maybe not being such arseholes. But there was a minor transgression and they collectively decided that she was to stay in the naughty corner forevermore.

Now the PILs are angry and upset because their son has decided to do something else rather than visiting them with the kids (but without their mother!) on Christmas night. He did see them earlier in the day but that’s not good enough for this family.

Somehow the family have decided that this is the SIL they ‘despise’’s fault and not entirely a situation of their own making.

Meanwhile MN are collectively amazed that the BIL hasn’t cut the lot of them out entirely. The SIL has been denied a Christmas Day evening with her own children for 6 out of the last 7 years because her husband’s family cannot keep their noses out of their relationship. Frankly, most of us would have been far less generous than this SIL.

And this gem of an OP has also
managed to include a complaint about how the SIL she ostracises and despises hasn’t been doing free babysitting duties as well.

It’s a great illustration of how toxic people actually think they’re in the right.

Poor BIL, gets cheated on and then his whole family and their wives pile in and make the whole situation 100 times worse. 7 years on he has moved on with his wife and still his family are beating him and his wife with a stick.
And the poor children, ostracised from their cousins and Grandparents, poor kids probably do t even know why.
And the poor PIL with a fractured family.

There are several victims in this scenario that I feel sorry for, but it’s not the OP…. The husband’s brother’s wife! 🤷🏼‍♀️

He made the decision to stay with her after she cheated yet you all still hold a grudge against her making it impossible for her to around you. To see your BIL you would need to se SIL, so technically this is your own doing. To support BIL you need to forgive SIL or you probably won’t see either of them again.

She cheated on him not you and it was his choice to forgive her and stay with her, not yours.

Imagine someone else having an affair 7 years ago and making it all about you!

Another poster who thinks that everything comes in simple, digestible chunks like an episode of Eastenders. 😊
No thought required.

You're dumping your trauma on them.

Yes you have a problem, but it's YOUR problem not theirs.

I'd look into therapy for yourself you have a real monkey on your back