SIL keeping BIL away from family

[AIB78]

So nc for this and apologies if its long and or confusing. My DH has three brothers, all fairly close in age and live locally. One of his brothers is with his wife a long time and they have teenage kids. A few years ago his wife had an affair but he stayed with her. Since then myself and my DH have not spoken to her as we were very hurt by what she did and my previous husband cheated on me so it brought back bad memories. She did have some relationship with other family members but nothing really now.

My problem is over the last couple of years BIL has pulled away from all of his family. They no longer attend any important family gatherings, birthdays, funerals etc but this was the first year BIL and their DC did not visit PIL on Christmas night. He visited it earlier in the day with them. SIL hasn't visited at Christmas since the affair.

I get on with my other BILs and SIL and we are angry that BIL is choosing to do this. Being honest we don't really want a relationship with SIL but it looks like in order to have BIL in our lives he comes as a package deal. How can we navigate this? Do we just suck it up and get on with her for BIL, although I don't think I could be that fake to somebody I actually despise.

This is a very short version. Its going on seven years now.

SIL wasn't comfortable going to our home when we don't speak to her

No shit.

Time to get over it. Affairs happen, relationships are messy. Your DH needs to heal the relationship with his brother before it's too late because that's all that matters here.

OP if you have unresolved issues about your previous marriage you should think about seeing a counsellor.

I can understand the reasons why this is difficult for you OP. BIL has forgiven his wife, and most people will put a partner over friends/family, so unless you are prepared to accept and move on I can’t see you spending time with them. Sorry to sound blunt.

Have I got it right, that forgetting all the family dynamics, you're annoyed that he visited during the day and not the evening? He still went, as he has every year?

You (and whoever your co-conspirators in the family are) have spent SEVEN YEARS actively trying to tear their marriage apart. How dare you?

She cheated on him and it was his choice whether to try to make the marriage work after that or not. Instead of showing him your love and respect by supporting his decision, you just piled more shit on top of him. And you have continued to do so for years.

You owe them both unqualified apologies for your behavior - her for the ostracization and him for doing everything you could to make what was probably one of the toughest times in his life even harder. Don't expect them to come rushing back, but that's where you start.

And go get therapy for your issues so you stop using them as an excuse to bully people.

if you don't feel 'ready ' for a relationship with her that's your choice to make. But accept that your BIL's loyalty is quite rightly with his wife and by choosing not to have a cordial relationship with her you are also choosing to limit your relationship with him.

Your whole family sound very judgy. She had an affair, it was wrong and now it's been over for a long time. Her husband has forgiven her and moved on but his family won't. That's harsh.

You are horrible to your sister in law - why would she want to see you?
Your brother in law, quite rightly, is putting his wife first.
How difficult is this to understand?

Why have you transferred the pain and blame of your Ex's affair onto your SIL? No wonder she doesn't want to see you. And no wonder your BIL is pulling away too.

He's forgiven her. It's not your role to keep punishing her, and in effect punishing your BIL and your PIL.

It's actually refreshing to see how many people see this behaviour for what it is.

I am 48 and have spent my life watching toxic people dominate under the guise of moral correctness. They seize onto events like this and stir the cauldron very thoroughly.
And people seem to let them.

you are not privy to the reason behind her actions, so you need to suspend judgement and be patient. Recognise the limits of your understanding. You need to unravel your feelings about your ex husband. It seems all about you when in fact this situation is not about you.

This has to be a reverse. I cannot possibly believe someone is so self centred and lacking in empathy.

You've punished her for this for SEVEN years? You've behaved appallingly. It doesn't matter what she did, he's forgiven her, it's not for you to to bear that grudge. Do you have any self awareness at all? You're wondering why your BIL has withdrawn after you've treated his wife like shit for nearly a decade??

You might think he should have left but he didn't and if you love him you will respect his decision, so put on your big girl pants, suck it up and apologise for your disgusting behaviour.

Wow OP get a fucking grip.
You are punishing her when he own husband has chosen to forgive and move forward. Who the f are you to try and tear their relationships with everyone apart?

Have you for a second thought about the kids? And their relationship with your kids?

I am baffled by the sheer selfishness of all this. 7 years!! What are you doing, just waiting till they split so you can then resume relationship with bil and his kids?

You've made someone else's affair all about you. You need to get over this.
Once you get over yourself you should consider reaching out and apologising for being so cold and actually arranging get together with the attitude of a drawing a line in the sand and just moving forward as a family.

Affairs are horrible but my god you are not the victim here and neither are you owed even a word of explanation from her.

See a counseller for you previous unresolved affair issues. Stop taking this out on someone else

You need to get over yourself @AIB78 . It is not your planlce to 'forgive' SIL. You are not married to her.

She may never forgive you though. BIL decided to stay with SIL and you have all made it so much more difficult for him.

Bloody hell, you’re ‘not sure you’re ready now’ get a bloody grip. She didn’t cheat on you, you sound like an attention seeking, busy body, drama llama.

Just tell BIL you’d like to meet up with SIL one on one to chat and sort things out as you’d all like to move on and draw a line under things. If I was her I’m not sure I’d want to have a relationship with you all now though, but perhaps she’ll think differently.

How have you managed to centre yourself so much in someone else's marriage? This has nothing to do with you. It's not even your brother it happened to!

Also, as if she would accept going to a family event where everyone was acting all happy but she was abusively subjected to silent treatment in front of her own children.

The way you are behaving towards her is completely unacceptable.

No, it's you refusing to talk to her because YOURE triggered and made it all about you.

Get DH to say "look, we realise we need to put the past behind us, we'd love you and Anna to come out for dinner on X to try and rebuild our friendship" then you treat her like a normal human being, not like the woman your ex cheated on you with.

This isn't about what happened with your ex though.

Surely the pretty much unanimous views on here are telling you something.

You wouldn't know how to fix things? Go round, knock on the door and speak to her. Never mind PIL or other BIL and SIL or what they might think. You.

Regardless of everyone's personal feelings on the situation it's your BIL relationship if he has decided to stay with her then you all need to respect that and move on. Your all making it about yourselves. It's his choice. He has kept her away because of they way you have all acted it's nothing to do with anybody else. I can imagine she feels very guilty and uncomfortable around all of you because of what happened and because of how you have all carried it on, not condoning her actions but they have decided to move on. So you all should too. You might be triggered by it but it's not about you.

Sorry but this isn’t about you and what you are feeling. I understand that you have pain from a previous affair but you cannot project that onto her.
Humans make mistakes all the time, sometimes awful ones. If her husband has chosen to forgive her then you are not judge and jury to decide to alienate her from the family. Part of being in a family is putting your feelings aside and supporting whatever makes your BIL happy (within reason, of course.)

It sounds like you're projecting a lot of the pain and betrayal of your ex's affair on to your sister in law. I think it would be a good idea to figure out who you're really still angry at and why you choose to continue to punish her. Separate 'your stuff' from 'their stuff'. Her husband forgave her and moved on a long time ago. It's not your SIL keeping him away from you, it's your continued rejection of his wife. You've ostracised her and made her feel unwelcome, so why would she make any attempt at contact? It would be incredibly daunting for her, particularly with no indication that any of you want to reconcile and forgive her.

People do stupid things, we're human. You seem to have condemned your SIL entirely as a person and I guarantee you this will be making her feel awful. Being ostracised from family is extremely psychologically painful (stems back to prehistoric times when being rejected from the group socially would put someone at risk of death). I'd suggest trying to separate her poor previous behaviour from who she is as a person. She did a bad thing, but this doesn't mean she is 'all bad' and unworthy of any kind of redemption.

I hope that SIL reads this thread and realises that the last 7 years of stress and worry over these family issues was not all her doing and breathes a huge sigh of relief knowing its not her, its you with the problem.
Some people are so self centered they cant see beyond the end of their own nose. No matter how much it is pointed out to them.

I’m everyone else. You and the rest of your husband’s family just don’t sound very nice. no wonder BIL and his wife have little to do with any of you.

All this chatting together about his wife’s affair and whether you are ready to have a relationship with her. Of course she wants nothing to do with the lot of you. Of course she’s no longer offering free childcare to you.

This is your neice/nephews’ mother. Obviously they will be spending time with their mother at Christmas and not going to places where she’s not welcome.

Tbh, I doubt this one can be repaired at this point. It’s been too long and your attitude stinks. I bet BIL regrets having told anyone about anything that happened inside his marriage.

It is not about you @AIB78. You don’t get any say in whether to forgive your SIL for anything. She didn’t cheat on you. It’s none of your business. And your attitude has ruined your husband’s relationship with his brother.

I wouldn’t entertain being in the company of people who ignore me, she’s doing the right thing by staying out of your way. Unless you’re willing to speak to her and make her feel welcome then expect things to continue as they are now.

You are exceptionally selfish. Making this about you.