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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL keeping BIL away from family

378 replies

AIB78 · 27/12/2023 05:55

So nc for this and apologies if its long and or confusing. My DH has three brothers, all fairly close in age and live locally. One of his brothers is with his wife a long time and they have teenage kids. A few years ago his wife had an affair but he stayed with her. Since then myself and my DH have not spoken to her as we were very hurt by what she did and my previous husband cheated on me so it brought back bad memories. She did have some relationship with other family members but nothing really now.

My problem is over the last couple of years BIL has pulled away from all of his family. They no longer attend any important family gatherings, birthdays, funerals etc but this was the first year BIL and their DC did not visit PIL on Christmas night. He visited it earlier in the day with them. SIL hasn't visited at Christmas since the affair.

I get on with my other BILs and SIL and we are angry that BIL is choosing to do this. Being honest we don't really want a relationship with SIL but it looks like in order to have BIL in our lives he comes as a package deal. How can we navigate this? Do we just suck it up and get on with her for BIL, although I don't think I could be that fake to somebody I actually despise.

This is a very short version. Its going on seven years now.

OP posts:
Purplewarrior · 27/12/2023 09:39

Wow, you really have made this All About You haven’t you OP?

StragglyTinsel · 27/12/2023 09:39

mumsytoon · 27/12/2023 09:29

I can't believe the pasting you had on here. She is utter trash, I wouldn't want anything to do with her either. She probably doesn't have the guts to face anyone, how could she after what she did. And your Bil is supporting her because he is embarrassed too but can't really fight her case knowing he accepted it. I wouldn't bother about them tbh. The only thing is Pil , as long as they see the kids. Laughable that you all should be rushing after her to make amends and sucking up to her, after what she did.

Either you’re a sock puppet or just as toxic as this OP.

And this is why you should never tell anyone in your family about your relationship issues. You’re not allowed to make your own decisions about your relationship. Nope. They will police the situation and ostracise your partner.

The grandparents don’t actually have any rights to see the children. Behaving the way they are about the children’s mother, it’s incredible that they have any relationship with them at all. Just awful
people.

Bookworm1111 · 27/12/2023 09:40

mumsytoon · 27/12/2023 09:29

I can't believe the pasting you had on here. She is utter trash, I wouldn't want anything to do with her either. She probably doesn't have the guts to face anyone, how could she after what she did. And your Bil is supporting her because he is embarrassed too but can't really fight her case knowing he accepted it. I wouldn't bother about them tbh. The only thing is Pil , as long as they see the kids. Laughable that you all should be rushing after her to make amends and sucking up to her, after what she did.

Ah, a lone voice in support of OP – are you the other bullying SIL?

Teenangels · 27/12/2023 09:42

StragglyTinsel · 27/12/2023 09:34

Timeline:

7 years ago BIL had a marital issue that he resolved and they stayed together. He foolishly told some member of his family and they spread it around as gossip and ostracised his wife.

5 years ago the OP and the family were toying with the idea of maybe not being such arseholes. But there was a minor transgression and they collectively decided that she was to stay in the naughty corner forevermore.

Now the PILs are angry and upset because their son has decided to do something else rather than visiting them with the kids (but without their mother!) on Christmas night. He did see them earlier in the day but that’s not good enough for this family.

Somehow the family have decided that this is the SIL they ‘despise’’s fault and not entirely a situation of their own making.

Meanwhile MN are collectively amazed that the BIL hasn’t cut the lot of them out entirely. The SIL has been denied a Christmas Day evening with her own children for 6 out of the last 7 years because her husband’s family cannot keep their noses out of their relationship. Frankly, most of us would have been far less generous than this SIL.

And this gem of an OP has also
managed to include a complaint about how the SIL she ostracises and despises hasn’t been doing free babysitting duties as well.

It’s a great illustration of how toxic people actually think they’re in the right.

This. 👏🏽

NonPlayerCharacter · 27/12/2023 09:42

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Someone else's spouse cheating on them, and them deciding together to work through it, isn't doing anything to me and there would therefore be nothing for me to forgive. What exactly would have happened to me in this scenario? What would I be forgiving?

Butchyrestingface · 27/12/2023 09:43

BIL said SIL wasn't comfortable going to our home when we don't speak to her.

Well, DUUUUUR.

Without being too outing she always had a lot of time for my DC and would regularly have them over for hours at a time/sleepover etc as they were close in age to her kids.

What a shame then that you decided to bulldozer the relationship not just between the adults, but also the kids.

You sound a touch dim-witted, self-centred and totally unaware. You've made a private matter between your in-laws into something that's all about you. And now family relationships are probably irretrievably broken.

saraclara · 27/12/2023 09:43

This is all your doing. You chose not to speak to her, and he's done what mumsnetters expect of their husbands. He's put his wife first.

If my parents refused to speak to my husband, I wouldn't visit them and I certainly wouldn't expect him to.

oakleaffy · 27/12/2023 09:44

Reading your updates, it seems it's more about YOU not getting over YOUR husband's affair rather than caring about your BIL's wife's infidelity.

My brother's wife had an affair...we were all as a family really upset as we liked her.
My brother still sees her post divorce {non sexually!} - it's up to your BIL not you.

''Not talking'' is deeply immature.

Definitely make an effort and deal with your own issues of abandonment by a husband.
My husband was unfaithful too {we divorced}...but years later we get on.

wronginalltherightways · 27/12/2023 09:44

Since then myself and my DH have not spoken to her as we were very hurt by what she did and my previous husband cheated on me so it brought back bad memories. She did have some relationship with other family members but nothing really now.

Let me be very clear here: YOU did this. YOU, your DH, and the rest of the extended family did this.

Your BIL and SIL had marriage troubles, you don't know what else happened in their marriage other than the fact that she cheated on him, but they worked through it and decided to stay together. As is their right and their business. Your response? To treat her like she doesn't exist.

What did you think was going to happen?

Topee · 27/12/2023 09:45

You’re poor BIL. He chose to forgive the woman he obviously loves and as a result of that he loses his family as they’re incapable of supporting him.

What a horrible family you sound.

user14699084787 · 27/12/2023 09:46

It’s a bit odd to be so invested in someone else’s relationship OP.
Affairs happen. Sometimes a relationship survives it.
If BIL moved on, so should the rest of you. It’s you that has created this ho-ha by getting too involved in something that is in essence none of your business.

AmoebaOnFlea · 27/12/2023 09:47

Is this a reverse? Either way, it’s completely understandable that BIL and SIL stay away.

quisensoucie · 27/12/2023 09:48

Another thread where the OP goes quiet after realising that the responses weren't quite what were expected, eh @AIB78

RethinkingLife · 27/12/2023 09:48

OP, given you have such a prominent role in this series of events, what's your endgame?

If BIL doesn't do as you wish, should you and the PILs now ostracise the BIL for time-shifting his visit to the day?

If BIL's children reach an age where they decide that they're not willing to collude in facilitating your treatment of their mother, do they come in for your opprobrium?

If BIL's marriage does end in divorce, will that be a case of, "I told you so!" or will there be the slightest glimmer of insight that maybe the stresses of maintaining a relationship with his family of origin as well as his own family got to be too much?

How would you react if your PILs independently decided that they would accept their DIL into their home and welcome their DS and his wife?

NonPlayerCharacter · 27/12/2023 09:50

Affairs are usually the most evil and unforgivable thing in the world on MN, so it's quite the sign that there's almost complete consensus in the answers here (the odd fellow toxic, self-centred person aside).

Noseybookworm · 27/12/2023 09:51

Well you've just said you despise his wife and presumably the rest of the family feel similarly. He's forgiven her and trying to make his marriage work. Why would he want a relationship with people who don't speak to her and hate her? You've put him in the position of having to choose and he's chosen his wife 🤷‍♀️

MiddleagedBeachbum · 27/12/2023 09:52

Lifeasiknowitisout · 27/12/2023 07:35

I can’t believe you even thought, never mind wrote and posted the words Since then myself and my DH have not spoken to her as we were very hurt by what she did and my previous husband cheated on me so it brought back bad memories.

His wife had an affair. He decided to reconcile. But you made it about you?

I am sorry your previous husband cheated on you. But your Sil didn’t hurt you. You chose to take something awful happening to someone else and centre your own feelings. She didn’t cheat on you. The fact that you have been cheated on and your feelings about that is your issue to deal with. This had nothing to do with you.

You could have, once he decided to reconcile, put your own feelings to the side and got over it yourself. You husband could have decided that his wife’s feelings about her ex husband, weren’t the focus here and supported his brother. Who should have been the focus.

You and your husband chose to try and cut her out, because your feelings about the situation were more important. A natural consequence of that is that he will remove himself from your life. He chose to stay with his wife. If you want him involved in the family you all need to get over it and move on too. Properly move on.

This!!

YABU and extremely selfish! Think about all the children and how much they’re missing out on - all because you were cheated on years ago ffs 🙄

VampireWeekday · 27/12/2023 09:54

Your family sound immature and controlling. How ridiculous to have her round her house and not talk to her. If someone did that to my wife that I had chosn to forgive then I'd pull back massively too. You are the ones isolating your BIL, not her.

oakleaffy · 27/12/2023 09:55

NonPlayerCharacter · 27/12/2023 09:50

Affairs are usually the most evil and unforgivable thing in the world on MN, so it's quite the sign that there's almost complete consensus in the answers here (the odd fellow toxic, self-centred person aside).

This is interesting.

The affair was some time ago, and the Brother in law has clearly been able to forgive his wife, and she too has probably knocked the affair on the head.

Meanwhile.... SIL is 'persona non grata' in the extended family.

It is hardly surprising that the BIL doesn't want to visit the family if his wife is treated so badly.

If the brother in law has been able to forgive his wife, the rest of the extended family should at least be welcoming and polite to her, even if they don't approve of what she did.

VampireWeekday · 27/12/2023 09:57

Something happened though that made me change my mind, nothing serious, just confirmed I wasn't ready. If I'm honest don't even know if I'm ready now.

This is absurd. It's not about you!

Pootle23 · 27/12/2023 09:59

You all sound very odd.

So turn it around. Imagine, you and your husband go to some family events and nobody at all with speak to you. You’ve been sent to coventry like we did as children at school.

Honestly….how would YOU react?

Any normal person with feelings wouldn’t want to mix with the family of grown ass children who act like they are still at middle school.

As for the children not seeing each other, again what the hell do you expect, you have all ostracised their Mum, of course they don’t want to see you all.

If I was the BIL I wouldn’t wish to see any of you either. You have disrespected my wife after we have sorted out our relationship but you holier than thou attitude know better than me obviously 🙄

If you genuinely want to see BIL and their children you need to APOLOGISE to SIL for your childish behaviour towards her, whether the family accept the apologies is up to them, I feel it is probably too late now, but you need to stop whinging and playing the poor me card.

Your PIL may be getting older but did they join in with this pathetic behaviour as well? If so, you reap what you sow.

Your entire side of the family have behaved in an appalling manner and I doubt SIL will ever forgive you.

Readyforrespite · 27/12/2023 10:01

You sound very self centered/immature OP. People make mistakes, BIL has the full picture and you do not. Have you genuinely never made a mistake in life? You need to apologise to SIL sincerely and hold out an olive branch.

MorningSunshineSparkles · 27/12/2023 10:02

You’ve made your BIL relationship issues and being cheated on about you. He probably feels like he can’t speak to the family members that have done that now. You weren’t betrayed, she didn’t cheat on you, you’ve no business doing anything other than taking your BIL lead on what’s going on.

I get your exh cheating on you must have been awful, I’ve been cheated on before too and it rips your entire world apart. But what was worse for me was my family jumping in and making their views clear instead of just giving me a place to work through it and make my own decisions.

Tacotortoise · 27/12/2023 10:05

NonPlayerCharacter · 27/12/2023 09:50

Affairs are usually the most evil and unforgivable thing in the world on MN, so it's quite the sign that there's almost complete consensus in the answers here (the odd fellow toxic, self-centred person aside).

Yes well, that's when men have them. Cheating women are somewhat different.

Nonetheless, it is really clear that you are unlikely to see much of one half of a couple if you ostracise the other half. And after 7 years I'd be amazed if this woman was prepared to be "welcomed" back into the family.

HazelWicker · 27/12/2023 10:05

You're making this all about you. As long as you do that, BIL will continue to steer clear.

It's about BIL. Stop projecting your own experiences else accept you can't have the extended family relationships that you want. (And yes, I have been cheated on, twice. It's why my marriage ended this year)