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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

SIL keeping BIL away from family

378 replies

AIB78 · 27/12/2023 05:55

So nc for this and apologies if its long and or confusing. My DH has three brothers, all fairly close in age and live locally. One of his brothers is with his wife a long time and they have teenage kids. A few years ago his wife had an affair but he stayed with her. Since then myself and my DH have not spoken to her as we were very hurt by what she did and my previous husband cheated on me so it brought back bad memories. She did have some relationship with other family members but nothing really now.

My problem is over the last couple of years BIL has pulled away from all of his family. They no longer attend any important family gatherings, birthdays, funerals etc but this was the first year BIL and their DC did not visit PIL on Christmas night. He visited it earlier in the day with them. SIL hasn't visited at Christmas since the affair.

I get on with my other BILs and SIL and we are angry that BIL is choosing to do this. Being honest we don't really want a relationship with SIL but it looks like in order to have BIL in our lives he comes as a package deal. How can we navigate this? Do we just suck it up and get on with her for BIL, although I don't think I could be that fake to somebody I actually despise.

This is a very short version. Its going on seven years now.

OP posts:

AwfullyWeeBillyBigchin · 27/12/2023 08:34

What I think is wild @AIB78 is that you say you all live within 5 minutes of each other, but there's no way for you to contact your SIL, and that you're unlikely to bump in to her 🤦‍♂️

MissTrip82 · 27/12/2023 08:34

You’re finding that being on a high horse is quite uncomfortable. Your choice whether or not you get down.

For me, I’d support my BIL and the choice he’s made to continue his marriage.

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 27/12/2023 08:34

You and your DH have been completely self centred about this. You judged BIL and acted in a way which made him have to chose between his marriage and his other family members. You didn't just hurt and exclude his wife, you hurt and excluded him by your treatment of her. You isolated him from his family. If I was him I wouldn't want to have anything to do with you all ever again.

pictoosh · 27/12/2023 08:35

@ChristmasFluff - you are assuming a lot about the circumstances surrounding the affair. You seem quite sure of exactly how sorry she should be and what actions she should take to repair the damage. Are you privy to information we are not? I can't see how.

This is not an episode of Eastenders. It's some genuine adults' actual life, with all the variables that come with such. Just like yours.

Point being, it's still fuck all to do with the OP.

Lampzade · 27/12/2023 08:36

Op, You sound like hard work tbh.

DidIMakeaMistake · 27/12/2023 08:36

Your title blames SIL, it’s not her though is it. You’re all prolonging the situation.

Shit happens, your BIL has accepted SILs actions. It’s been 7 years. Think of all the good times and family time you’ve lost, because of your judgement. There is so much in this world we don’t know about people. What I’m trying to say is your husband could be looking at porn daily for all you know. People do dumb stuff. SIL made a mistake but your BIL has forgiven her, it’s been 7 years!

The world isn’t black and white OP. Everyone exists in shades of grey. I think you know that, I mean you can’t be perfect.

Give your SIL a break.

Zanatdy · 27/12/2023 08:37

Sorry but I agree with him and nothing annoys me more than when family get overly involved like this. He’s chosen to forgive her and it’s him who she wronged not the entire family. He’s chosen to forgive her and you are all making it so much harder for him.

WhereIsBebèsChambre · 27/12/2023 08:38

And re all the so close cousins, am assuming they're at same school.if ops shitty bullying attitude has rubbed off on her kids, how are they treating their cousins at school. Because @AIB78 don't think they won't have picked up on your campaign of hate towards their mum.

Shoes232 · 27/12/2023 08:39

Your title is misleading, your SIL is not keeping him away he is choosing to stay away because of your behaviour. You sound like you want to be queen bee and have been the ring leader in all this because your husband cheated which is nothing to do with their marriage. It’s been 7 years she will never want anything else to do with you and contact will become less and less especially when your in-laws pass.

MistletoeandJd · 27/12/2023 08:39

100% guarantee her affair wasn't the only thing you had an issue with. You are bat shit crazy possibly airing on the narc side .

Coconutter24 · 27/12/2023 08:40

YABVU your opening paragraph you made their situation all about you and how you feel. It’s nothing to do with you or your past experience. BIL decided to forgive, you can’t expect him to be ok with you ignoring his wife or leave her behind to see you and family. If you want a relationship you need to reach out to SIL and start building

ElevenSeven · 27/12/2023 08:40

Lampzade · 27/12/2023 08:36

Op, You sound like hard work tbh.

Really dramatic, and very hard work.

His affair triggered meeeeee, I was almost ready to forgive her, I realised I wasn’t ready, why won’t he leave her home alone to come and see us, he’s so unreeeeeasonable.

gannett · 27/12/2023 08:41

AIB78 · 27/12/2023 07:32

About two years after her affair myself and DH were coming around to the idea of sorting things out, we had been talking to MIL about it a lot. Something happened though that made me change my mind, nothing serious, just confirmed I wasn't ready. If I'm honest don't even know if I'm ready now.

Why should they wait around waiting for you to be "ready"? Their lives don't revolve around your forgiveness. They've cut their losses and moved on, as they should. They, not just she - because yes, a couple do come as a package deal. He decided to forgive her, and that was his business not yours. So you continuing to snub her was effectively also a snub to him.

And they've moved on without you. It's probably too late to mend anything now.

Sceptre86 · 27/12/2023 08:43

Honestly you sound like bloody hardwork. It isn't her fault you were cheated on and it shouldn't have any bearing on your relationship. She didn't cheat on you! Her dh has forgiven her so if you wanted him in your life you could have made it easier for him by at least being cordial. Instead you've and by that I mean your dh too have put him in an even more difficult position where he has to choose and for now he is choosing his wife.

GreatGateauxsby · 27/12/2023 08:43

i haven’t rtft just your posts.

initial thoughts…

It reads as though you have driven a lot of the exclusion and ostracism of SIL due to your (understandable?) feelings around infidelity due to your ExH. Ie. You now have a situation you helped to create… that you don’t like. so you basically want to eat your cake and have it.
It’s been 7 YEARS that’s a LONG time they are both differ people now. building bridges with no drama after that length of time is not straightforward or easy.
if you forgive someone for cheating as your BIL has done you cannot use that past mistake (that was almost a decade ago!) as a stick to beat them with by agreeing to exclude her or putting her in uncomfortable situations. You haven’t given BIL any choice but to pull back.
Reading between the lines it sounds like you treated your SIL pretty horribly and showed her little to no grace.
A lot of your posts are about this in relation to you…not your DH or kids. You obliquely reference you in-laws but it’s a very YOU centric viewpoint.
You sound like you need therapy re previous marriage as the way you talk about infidelity is not normal. I say this as someone who takes marriage very seriously and would divorce for infidelity.

Goldbar · 27/12/2023 08:43

It was never your role to 'punish' SIL for having an affair.

Nor was it BIL's really - it was his place to decide whether or not he could forgive her. And whether they could move on together.

And having decided to move on together, the two of them then had to rebuild their joint lives. They had to reaffirm their commitment to treating each other with respect, consideration, affection and trust. Because these are all necessary for a relationship to thrive and be worthwhile.

If BIL could forgive SIL, it might have been hard but your role was to be neutral and pleasant. Instead, your unpleasant and bullying behaviour undermined their efforts to forge a new relationship and a new way forward, because no one can stand back and see someone that they've committed to treating with respect and dignity being treated in this way. So BIL had to distance himself to preserve his relationship with SIL.

IncompleteSenten · 27/12/2023 08:44

He made the choice to stay. Many people do. You don't have to like it or agree with it but you do have to respect it.

You can't bring yourselves to be civil and so you forced him to make a choice and he chose her.

He forgave her affair. Did you really think that he could forgive that and then choose you over her?

If you want him in your life you are going to need to apologise and be civil. And not the icy kind of 'I hate you' civil.

I know it's hard. It's really hard to forgive someone who's hurt someone you love. Sometimes it's easier to forgive someone who's hurt you than hurt someone you love!

But these are your choices. Forgive her and try to rebuild your relationship with them or lose him.

Zanatdy · 27/12/2023 08:44

AIB78 · 27/12/2023 07:32

You sound like my mother. Anything that happened in the family she somehow made it all about her. Read your message - you weren’t ready to forgive her, she hasn’t wronged you!! If your BIL wants to forgive then it’s his choice. It’s his relationship, she didn’t marry the entire family. This is why I’d never tell my mother anything again like this kind of stuff as when everyone else has moved on, she’s still making it about herself. If I was her I wouldn’t want to speak to you anyway. Your PIL need to understand there’s a reason why their son didn’t come Christmas night, he’s prioritising his own family and not spending time with people he can only visit alone. As despite him choosing to forgive and move on, his family are choosing to drag this out and make it all about them. You need to take a long hard look in the mirror. Read these comments and see your response is not normal and you’re part of the reason for this family upset. Can you seriously not see it?

JANEY205 · 27/12/2023 08:45

You are the problem, can’t you see that?

My best friends husband had an affair, I don’t like him. But she chose to forgive him and so I respect her choice and her relationship to keep my friendship. Ultimately your BIL chose to stay and why the hell can’t you support that? Instead you’ve been ridiculous and made it all about yourself! I don’t care if you got cheated on previously, this situation is not about you. No wonder he and his children don’t want to be around you!

NonPlayerCharacter · 27/12/2023 08:46

I actually think leeching on to an issue in someone else's marriage, making it about you and driving away your BIL like this by bullying his wife over several years, prioritising your own displaced anger over the people who are actually involved, is worse than the affair.

She probably won't forgive you by now even if you deign to forgive her as if that's in any way your place.

SweetFemaleAttitude · 27/12/2023 08:46

Who the hell do you think you are OP?

This woman is not even related to you in any way, shape or form, yet you are acting like she owes you something!

You don't know what went on in your husband's brother's marriage, or why the affair happened (not excusing this, but nobody usually has an affair if everything is rosy).

He took the decision to forgive her and move on, yet you decided you were going to treat her like shit and are now all perturbed that her husband is not doing what YOU want!

I mean, this actually has fuck all to do with you, yet somehow, it's all about you.

She not your sister. Or your sister in law. She is your husband's brother's wife.

I couldn't be arsed with you at all. No wonder she stays away. Bet it's bliss for her.

SchoolQuestionnaire · 27/12/2023 08:47

This is nothing to do with sil, the issue is with you.

Whatever she has or hasn’t done is no business of yours. It’s certainly no reason for you to ‘despise’ her or for it to have any effect on your life. You shouldn’t be struggling to forgive her because she hasn’t wronged you at all.

I’m honestly shocked that none of you can accept your bil’s decision to forgive and move on. I’m even more shocked at how you are trying to make this all about you. It’s nothing to do with you. You’ve spoken about how good she was to your dc. This woman is your dc’s loving aunt and it’s not as though it’s even your own db. How could you just cut her off like this?

She made a mistake and you’ve all used this as an excuse to exclude and bully her for years since. In my opinion that’s far worse than what she did. No wonder your bil isn’t interested in a relationship with you all. You should all be ashamed if yourselves.

Goldcrestonabranch · 27/12/2023 08:47

By the sound of it, you manipulated PILs (and the rest) of the family into keeping SIL at bay too. Nasty and vile. You in effect ruined PILs relationship with their son.

JANEY205 · 27/12/2023 08:47

You’re all punishing BIl for forgiving his wife. And that is extremely unfair and selfish. It’s not about you! His wife should be able to attend events with her husband and children ffs! Why would they want to spend Christmas Eve with you all and not their own wife/mother? Can you seriously not comprehend that?

Boomer55 · 27/12/2023 08:48

BillionaireTea · 27/12/2023 08:34

You have no fucking idea about their affair. For all you know, your BIL has erectile dysfunction that he refuses to acknowledge or treat, or is a snippy microaggressive twat to her when they are alone. Or maybe he has a porn habit, or one of them has a kink they can't encompass. Or he had an affair first or saw a sex worker. You have NO IDEA.

There are so many ways and reasons people have affairs and 100 ways they move past them, using them to build better understanding of themselves, their emotions and sex lives, and create more honest relationships.
.
You know who doesn't succeed in that? Unskilful, limited idiots like you who judge things they have no hope of understanding and when it isn't their business to have a view anyway.

I'm sorry your xDH cheated and hurt you and I definitely think therapy works.

Yes. 100%. Affairs often (not always) arise from problems in the marriage. Outsiders wouldn’t necessarily understand/know this.

The BIL might understand this, and they could have rebuilt their marriage making it better all round.

But, it’s never up to others to throw their views around, make judgements, have hissy fits ignoring people, or making it all about them..

Staying out of the marriages of others is the best idea - it’s not your business.

I don’t blame BIL/SIL for avoiding most of the family - you sound toxic.🙄

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