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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Influx of endless presents every damn year

123 replies

getthemfromlidlme · 26/12/2023 20:53

I feel terrible. About the waste and because I then feel guilty of criticising their obvious generosity and keen desire for children they love to experience joy and fun of these gifts.

I am a very minimalist person. One of my children is very specific about stuff he will even glance at, the other is a toddler.

Every year, there is an endless stream of presents from family on one side. It's nuts.

Over 50% won't ever be played with because it isn't liked or suitable. The other 50% will be used, and some of that 50% includes stuff that's fine and very suitable BUT they already have. So for example, a toy they'd like, that is the exact same as an existing toy they have but just a different make.

How do you politely say thanks but no thanks? One person in particular would quite literally accuse me of being a grinch and ruining Christmas Grin she already thinks I'm a snob.

I'm not. I just don't keep endless stuff and only keep what we love or use/need.

My Grandmother gives me cash and a small token gift.

Whereas someone else becomes Mrs Claus and it's like being given a magical sack that never stops popping the gifts

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 26/12/2023 20:55

Tel them early that your ds has not touched anything and is very particular about what he wants. Or that there’s no room for more tat. Say your ds is saving for something and would love a selection box/particular chocolate and money. Be clear, I would hate a houseful of stuff going to waste.

SiennaMillar · 26/12/2023 20:56

Could you tell them you have no room left in the house and ask them to club together and buy one big present instead? I’ve just had baby’s second Xmas, she’s 12 months old, and ooooh my god, it’s like a toy shop in here. I’ll be bagging most of it up and going to a charity shop asap. I can’t cope with the clutter and she’s totally overwhelmed - it’s the opposite of how we are trying to raise her. Her father and I bought her two presents this year, everyone else got her mountains of useless, cheap tat 🤷🏼‍♀️

Lampshade88 · 26/12/2023 21:01

You think your way is the best, the mother I. Law and family think their way is right. It does not really matter in the long run. Bag up the doubles and unsuitable gifts - donate to charity/regift to friends or if you like sell on Vinted, just don’t make an issue out of it. There is no polite way to say thanks but no thanks. The children will be teens in a blink and ask for money or a specific gift. It really is not worth the thought. I had the same issue and most of the junk was out of the house by end of Jan. MIL was shopping for gifts from July. I do feel your frustration but it won’t come to any good, finding peace with the differences between you will work out better.

Original poster
getthemfromlidlme · 26/12/2023 21:02

Thank you. So I got them about 4 gifts to open. I don't go mad at all and they get stuff as and when etc

But this particular person I'm thinking of would think I'm a right cow and accuse me of being a soulless, boring beige mum. She would say I don't let my kids have a childhood and need to 'let go a bit' (she's said so before)

She always says she loves spoiling the kids at Christmas (she has 7 to buy for in total) and that it's her 'thing'

It's really, really hard because I know she absolutely wouldn't agree to giving money towards something like an experience or for their savings. Alongside a token gift or something like that. I also think it's a bit cheeky to directly ask for cash but not sure what else to suggest because it's all just too much

I have nowhere to put all this stuff and feel too bad to give it away to charity Envy I am really strict about clutter and stuff being about the place without a home but it's different when it's just been given as a loving gift

OP posts:
CocoPlum · 26/12/2023 21:13

Same. Have young teens. XPIL who buy for the sake of buying. In the past, tried asking for annual passes, or them to do something you want/need etc ... they'd buy those things and then loads of crap.

In DD's room there's a bag full of the "extras" her grandparents gave her last Christmas which has literally sat untouched since she brought it home.

Spoke to them earlier and I think I'm going to tell them that what's given at their dad's stays there. The amount of random stuff, especially for DS who is admittedly tricky to buy for, but it's all just tat.

Kernackered · 26/12/2023 21:13

Surely you just sell it cheap and quickly in vinted? Loads of others are. If you feel guilty, put the money into kids accounts for when they need to buy a car or whatever. You don't need to make this such a big deal.

CatherinedeBourgh · 26/12/2023 21:17

We have a hard rule of no gifts for dc, ever. We buy them all they need (and want), and it is not our job to enable our relatives to get a kick out of buying stuff they neither need nor want.

I'd have liked to be more moderate about it, but unfortunately we had relatives that were like yours so had to make it a universal blanket rule for everyone. Dc are now teens, and don't feel like they've missed out at all (and when they were given money by a relative recently donated it to charity, on the grounds that they really didn't need it!)

notanaturalmum · 26/12/2023 21:19

I feel you OP. But I think you're never going to see eye to eye with who I'm assuming is your MIL.
Mine is the same and it's her thing. She loves giving the kids tonnes of tat even though we've repeatedly asked her to dial it down.
So now I just smile, say thanks and it goes in the charity bag. She gets her joy from picking out presents and seeing their faces. I don't want to rob her of that.
The kids are at a stage where they will forget about the presents in a week or two. So I just move them on (even though I think it's such a shame and a waste of money)
I would love to them to have a useful present like a years entry to a country park type place but that's not the sort of present that MIL will buy.

So it's just one of those things that riles me but I just am pleasant about it and it keeps the peace.

Blossomingx · 26/12/2023 21:44

Can't you just say that you appreciate the thought, but space has become tight now? I actually would consider asking for a cash gift instead. If someone is sincere in wanting to gift they shouldn't mind, at least you can put the cash towards something the children really like or need. I don't know if this is feasible in your situation but definitely worth having a word when the time is right.
Hope things work out well for you:)

Hotchocolateand5marshmellows · 26/12/2023 21:53

Suggest things that they need in advance, including clothes, lunchboxes, water bottles, bedding or blankets with thier favourite characters on. Things for arts and crafts. Bath bombs, chocolate, dressing up clothes. Anything that isn't a plastic toy that will just sit there and not get played with.
When clothes get too big you can just donate them in a clothing bin. Children's toys are so hard to get rid of, my local charity shop won't take them. So I feel your pain and I've suggested things like the above to my family. "X is really into minecraft and needs a new bag for school so a minecraft bag might go down well"

Of course if you have family that don't ask or listen to suggestions it's difficult though!

Flamingogirl08 · 26/12/2023 21:56

CatherinedeBourgh · 26/12/2023 21:17

We have a hard rule of no gifts for dc, ever. We buy them all they need (and want), and it is not our job to enable our relatives to get a kick out of buying stuff they neither need nor want.

I'd have liked to be more moderate about it, but unfortunately we had relatives that were like yours so had to make it a universal blanket rule for everyone. Dc are now teens, and don't feel like they've missed out at all (and when they were given money by a relative recently donated it to charity, on the grounds that they really didn't need it!)

Jesus 🙄.

MN is so uptight its unreal!

Snowonthebeachx · 26/12/2023 21:56

Sell on Vinted. Pop in an ISA/premium bonds/savings account.

JubileeJumps · 26/12/2023 21:58

My ML used to buy my kids hundreds of presents. 95% were useless. Once the kids had unwrapped them I would put them out of the way and if none of them asked for them I would then take them to the charity shop. It was infuriating and wasteful but that was the best way to deal with it.

theoldrelic · 26/12/2023 22:09

CatherinedeBourgh · 26/12/2023 21:17

We have a hard rule of no gifts for dc, ever. We buy them all they need (and want), and it is not our job to enable our relatives to get a kick out of buying stuff they neither need nor want.

I'd have liked to be more moderate about it, but unfortunately we had relatives that were like yours so had to make it a universal blanket rule for everyone. Dc are now teens, and don't feel like they've missed out at all (and when they were given money by a relative recently donated it to charity, on the grounds that they really didn't need it!)

What a totally OTT, emotionally cold and controlling way to manage a relatively minor problem that usually only lasts a couple of years.

Fulshaw · 26/12/2023 22:26

CatherinedeBourgh · 26/12/2023 21:17

We have a hard rule of no gifts for dc, ever. We buy them all they need (and want), and it is not our job to enable our relatives to get a kick out of buying stuff they neither need nor want.

I'd have liked to be more moderate about it, but unfortunately we had relatives that were like yours so had to make it a universal blanket rule for everyone. Dc are now teens, and don't feel like they've missed out at all (and when they were given money by a relative recently donated it to charity, on the grounds that they really didn't need it!)

Well, that’s depressing.

Fulshaw · 26/12/2023 22:29

Nothing you can do OP, there is no polite way to say thanks but no thanks.

Options:
Return it.
Regift it.
Sell it.
Donate it.

I always did a combination of those.

Waffle19 · 26/12/2023 22:29

Anything I suggest falls on deaf ears with my MIL so to be honest I just give anything away to charity that we genuinely don’t want or need, or resell on and then use the money to get something the kids do actually need

mollyfolk · 26/12/2023 22:31

I would smile and say thank you and don’t feel bad about bringing it to the charity shop - it might as well be played with. Before other occasions mention things like - the only toy in our house that gets played with is Lego/jigsaws/books/art and craft stuff whatever works for you. It’s a pain but these years pass.

Reach9kat · 26/12/2023 22:36

I feel you! I made the mistake of telling my husband that about 5 of the toys he bought my toddler were not suitable. The age on the toys we're like 8+ he is 3 or he bought things that husband likes, like remote control cars. My son has some remote control cars already and never plays with them, so why buy him more!? Just buying for buying sake. Pisses me off. I said toddler had too many toys and husband called me boring. In future I will just keep quiet and let him waste his money and me give toys never played with to charity.

Iamthatgenius · 26/12/2023 22:38

We have a hard rule of no gifts for dc, ever. We buy them all they need (and want), and it is not our job to enable our relatives to get a kick out of buying stuff they neither need nor want

What in the name of fuck have I just read? What a horrendous attitude.

OP, if they won't listen, you just have to sell or give it away. Can any of it go into a box to be given to friends for birthdays? If not, just take a deep breath and give it to a charity.

It's only wasteful if no one is using it. If someone is using it, it's not a waste.

theduchessofspork · 26/12/2023 22:38

Other than the advice above, give them to the Sally Army or another charity that does kids presents at Christmas or just toys for families in need. They are always short of them.

wizzywig · 26/12/2023 22:39

Have a Google for children's charities locally and every so often give the excess away

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 26/12/2023 22:44

Put them aside for a few weeks, then give them to a women's shelter or similar, I bet they'd be so useful and welcomed there. If MIL asks after anything before they're gone you can get one out, if she asks after they're gone then you can say they broke that one or lost it etc.

JellyBabiesSaveLives · 26/12/2023 22:48

If one of my relatives called me a snob, a Grinch, a soulless, boring beige mum, and said I ruined Christmas, and didn't let my kids have a childhood, that's one relative who wouldn't be coming near me or my kids at Christmas.

macaronicheezepleeze · 26/12/2023 23:05

Sell unwanted gifts and put the money into their savings, or donate them to charity shops. Even better, if you have the space to store them, keep them aside for next Christmas and donate them to Christmas toy drives.

My son was completely freaked out by a dinosaur gift from a relative this year. He doesn't like dinosaurs and was frightened by it. I just passed it on to a friend who's son is crazy for dinosaurs. Don't overthink it.