Page 2 | Influx of endless presents every damn year

getthemfromlidlme · 2023-12-26T20:53:04+00:00

I feel terrible. About the waste and because I then feel guilty of criticising their obvious generosity and keen desire for children they love to experience joy and fun of these gifts. I am a very minimalist person. One of my children is very specific about stuff he will even glance at, the other is a toddler. Every year, there is an endless stream of presents from family on one side. It's nuts. Over 50% won't ever be played with because it isn't liked or suitable. The other 50% will be used, and some of that 50% includes stuff that's fine and very suitable BUT they already have. So for example, a toy they'd like, that is the exact same as an existing toy they have but just a different make. How do you politely say thanks but no thanks? One person in particular would quite literally accuse me of being a grinch and ruining Christmas [grin] she already thinks I'm a snob. I'm not. I just don't keep endless stuff and only keep what we love or use/need. My Grandmother gives me cash and a small token gift. Whereas someone else becomes Mrs Claus and it's like being given a magical sack that never stops popping the gifts

Original poster

getthemfromlidlme · 27/12/2023 08:38

JubileeJumps · 26/12/2023 21:58

My ML used to buy my kids hundreds of presents. 95% were useless. Once the kids had unwrapped them I would put them out of the way and if none of them asked for them I would then take them to the charity shop. It was infuriating and wasteful but that was the best way to deal with it.

My kids won't think about them ever again but the relative will! And if she comes round, will ask where they are

OP posts:

MintJulia · 27/12/2023 08:47

CatherinedeBourgh · 26/12/2023 21:17

We have a hard rule of no gifts for dc, ever. We buy them all they need (and want), and it is not our job to enable our relatives to get a kick out of buying stuff they neither need nor want.

I'd have liked to be more moderate about it, but unfortunately we had relatives that were like yours so had to make it a universal blanket rule for everyone. Dc are now teens, and don't feel like they've missed out at all (and when they were given money by a relative recently donated it to charity, on the grounds that they really didn't need it!)

Christ on a bike, how utterly joyless !! And controlling.

MintJulia · 27/12/2023 08:51

OP, perhaps you could be more managed about it.

Think carefully about what each child will need in the coming year. Stuff for school, clothes, sports kit etc. Talk to your relatives and suggest items they could buy that will meet those needs.

Size up, so they will fit in 3 months or 6 months or whenever. Make them feel that they are helping you, now rent and mortgages are getting so expensive. Make them feel they are enabling the dcs to have what they will need.

And if a few unwanted items still get through, the Cancer Research shop will welcome unused toys and games.

CatherinedeBourgh · 27/12/2023 08:52

The responses to my post are predictable, and depressing.

It's amazing how our culture has come to see material objects, including unwanted tat, as 'joyful' and rejecting them as 'joyless'.

Believe me that my dc's lives are nothing if not joyful. They are the happiest, most cheerful and loving teenagers ever, to the point that everyone comments on it and many people with younger dc ask us how we did it.

The fact is that buying gifts is often used as an excuse to not engage emotionally. Relatives can often feel like they 'did their job' by buying crap that the child will get nothing out of, and so do not have to make the actual effort to engage with the child on the things the child is interested in.

Relatives who have relationships with our dc are the ones who have made an effort to get to know them, do things with them and are interested in them as people. There is no need for any 'stuff' in that.

baileybrosbuildingandloan · 27/12/2023 08:53

Goodness me. What a first world problem. On top of how ungrateful and downright whiny you are.
Its 27/12; bag them up and take them to the local food bank/ kids charity where families who have nothing will appreciate them.
We had a matriarch Grandma who used to like everyone up with crap at Christmas. We accepted it gratefully, and donated it carefully (in charity shops we knew she wouldn't go in). It gave her immense pleasure to buy them, and we loved her for that. She's gone now. No more tat. But she gets talked about every year, and always lovingly.

SEG152 · 27/12/2023 08:57

Just be honest with people because the reality is they don’t want to be buying these presents either.

JennyForeigner · 27/12/2023 09:08

Yeah just give them away. We are clear about not wanting tat. With the odd exception where I just wouldn't get away with it, anything plastic isn't opened. The kids would just bat at it for a couple of minutes and then a crucial bit would get broken and any resale value gone.

It goes to the charity shop boxed instead and we bank the warm fuzzies we get from donating instead. Because whatever horrible thing was purchased was purchased so we feel good right?

It's rude and impertinent to ask where gifts you bought ended up IMHO. Don't indulge bad behaviour.

Original poster

getthemfromlidlme · 27/12/2023 09:12

It's rude and impertinent to ask where gifts you bought ended up IMHO. Don't indulge bad behaviour.

I agree but what can I say to her?

If I went with 'oh that broke' or 'oh we left that at my mums by mistake last time' she would then push on and ask where a load of other gifts she got were?

OP posts:

LegoHeads · 27/12/2023 09:25

CatherinedeBourgh · 27/12/2023 08:52

The responses to my post are predictable, and depressing.

It's amazing how our culture has come to see material objects, including unwanted tat, as 'joyful' and rejecting them as 'joyless'.

Believe me that my dc's lives are nothing if not joyful. They are the happiest, most cheerful and loving teenagers ever, to the point that everyone comments on it and many people with younger dc ask us how we did it.

The fact is that buying gifts is often used as an excuse to not engage emotionally. Relatives can often feel like they 'did their job' by buying crap that the child will get nothing out of, and so do not have to make the actual effort to engage with the child on the things the child is interested in.

Relatives who have relationships with our dc are the ones who have made an effort to get to know them, do things with them and are interested in them as people. There is no need for any 'stuff' in that.

It's not the lack of stuff that's joyless but the way you want to control everybody.

raspberrybeeret · 27/12/2023 09:25

Do you let the children play with the toys - and help them to do so- or do you sneer at them and tidy them away which means they get wasted? You may not care for the toys but they needn't be wasted if they get enjoyed and played with.

Torchdino · 27/12/2023 09:28

Either do a wishlist and include clothes in the size up etc, or just be honest and ask for money that you can pop into an account for them with a small gift they insist.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 27/12/2023 09:29

Flamingogirl08 · 26/12/2023 21:56

Jesus 🙄.

MN is so uptight its unreal!

Show quote history

Surely that's a joke ?

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 27/12/2023 09:29

OP just sell it or do aye to a charity shop. End of dilemma.

Torchdino · 27/12/2023 09:29

raspberrybeeret · 27/12/2023 09:25

Do you let the children play with the toys - and help them to do so- or do you sneer at them and tidy them away which means they get wasted? You may not care for the toys but they needn't be wasted if they get enjoyed and played with.

I agree with this though, they might enjoy them if they had the chance shouldn't be up to you to decide just because you don't like them (unless it's something you're actively avoiding ie an ipad/tablet and you don't want them to have screens). There are some toys DS has had that are genuinely hideous, some he loves and some he isn't as fussed on- not up to me to decide though as they're his.

Spencer0220 · 27/12/2023 09:31

Your relative insisting to know where you put the stuff is really weird.

Anything we don't want is gotten rid of, in this order:

Vinted - if we can make money, we do.

Charity shop - unlikely to sell, may be useful still.

Bin - all else.

If we're given food we're allergic to, it gets redistributed round family or neighbours to enjoy.

We don't tell the giver specifically what happened, but we are very clear to make sure people know we do sell gifts. This year, our awful gifts were reduced to two. One charity, one bin.

The only exception is food. If we're allergic, we let the giver know, so they can buy a safe gift next time. That one goes down very well.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 27/12/2023 09:32

CatherinedeBourgh · 26/12/2023 21:17

We have a hard rule of no gifts for dc, ever. We buy them all they need (and want), and it is not our job to enable our relatives to get a kick out of buying stuff they neither need nor want.

I'd have liked to be more moderate about it, but unfortunately we had relatives that were like yours so had to make it a universal blanket rule for everyone. Dc are now teens, and don't feel like they've missed out at all (and when they were given money by a relative recently donated it to charity, on the grounds that they really didn't need it!)

This is grinchy. I bet your teens do miss it.

SaturdayGiraffe · 27/12/2023 09:33

Wonder what her childhood was like, that she feels this drive to compensate in an extreme fashion.
You can’t control her actions, but you can control your response. Give the gifts away freely, and with thanks for such abundance.

TrashedSofa · 27/12/2023 09:34

getthemfromlidlme · 27/12/2023 09:12

It's rude and impertinent to ask where gifts you bought ended up IMHO. Don't indulge bad behaviour.

I agree but what can I say to her?

If I went with 'oh that broke' or 'oh we left that at my mums by mistake last time' she would then push on and ask where a load of other gifts she got were?

The truth. You got rid of them because they were no use and just taking up valuable space. She's being far too controlling to deserve her feelings being protected.

Blumarine · 27/12/2023 09:36

I just accept it and say thanks. Then I bag up the unwanted gifts and put them in the loft. Next December I’ll wrap them and donate to the school’s Xmas present appeal for the poor.

I know what you mean, it’s a total waste and it would have been better to buy something they wanted or give them cash. We currently have nearly £200 of gifts which we don’t want and didn’t ask for. We could have had something we actually wanted instead! So annoying.

JennyForeigner · 27/12/2023 09:40

Honestly, the mistake you are making is to care about someone's feelings when they don't care about yours. Go with a riff on Eleanor Roosevelt and remind yourself that no-one can make you feel bad without your consent.

'We don't have space to keep stuff hanging around, so we enjoy it and then pass it on. Thanks!'

And then if someone tries to argue you into insisting an extruded Peppa doctor set from Poundland should be kept around like the family Titian or whatever, just look at them with an air of mild surprise. Once people speak over you twice they have put themself in the space of being unquestionably rude. There is nothing more you owe to them.

And repeat, for however many years you need to.

Kendodd · 27/12/2023 09:43

YANBU OP
My mum tried to send a present every day in December, advent calendar style. All cheap plastic tat.

Isitisit · 27/12/2023 09:45

Once we get home from seeing either of our mothers we fill up a charity box with items that won’t be used and donate it.

Its not worth it to try and change them I’ve found.

Zippedydoodahday · 27/12/2023 09:48

Don't feel bad, just pass it all on to families who are struggling. It stops the waste and teaches your kids a good lesson.

My house is like Teflon, anything we get that we don't want or need gets passed on to someone in need. Olio is very handy if you fear things being spotted by the recipient in a charity shop.

ReindeerShelter · 27/12/2023 09:51

Wow. I think she’s right. You’re “really strict” about clutter and only give your kids 4 presents? That’s awful. No wonder someone else has to step in for you.

You have children, let them BE children. You have years ahead to have a show home when they’re older/have left home.

GalileoHumpkins · 27/12/2023 09:53

Believe me that my dc's lives are nothing if not joyful. They are the happiest, most cheerful and loving teenagers ever, to the point that everyone comments on it and many people with younger dc ask us how we did it

Everyone comments on it? Everyone?