Influx of endless presents every damn year

[getthemfromlidlme]

I feel terrible. About the waste and because I then feel guilty of criticising their obvious generosity and keen desire for children they love to experience joy and fun of these gifts.

I am a very minimalist person. One of my children is very specific about stuff he will even glance at, the other is a toddler.

Every year, there is an endless stream of presents from family on one side. It's nuts.

Over 50% won't ever be played with because it isn't liked or suitable. The other 50% will be used, and some of that 50% includes stuff that's fine and very suitable BUT they already have. So for example, a toy they'd like, that is the exact same as an existing toy they have but just a different make.

How do you politely say thanks but no thanks? One person in particular would quite literally accuse me of being a grinch and ruining Christmas she already thinks I'm a snob.

I'm not. I just don't keep endless stuff and only keep what we love or use/need.

My Grandmother gives me cash and a small token gift.

Whereas someone else becomes Mrs Claus and it's like being given a magical sack that never stops popping the gifts

List it on ebay or vinted and buy something lovely with the proceeds. Lots of other people are and I've been buying it 😀

On a side note there's also the point that it is generally mothers that are tasked with the sorting, recycling, selling, taking to the charity shop etc of everything that is unused.

As if Christmas and birthdays were not enough work without adding in another layer of dealing with stuff that was bought but never even looked at.

Now this I find stressful!

As a parent at Christmas especially I generally tend to spend my days cleaning, tidying, throwing away sweet wrappers / wrapping paper and moving objects from one room into another - not to mention all the cooking, wrapping, shopping, cleaning and general christmas crap. Added to this is the post Christmas decluttering and sorting that seems generally endless!!!

Ahh yes, can't complain too much because I've had some amazing Vinted finds popping up because of other people's unwanted gifts

My brother and SIL told us when my nieces were pretty little not to buy them toys as they had too much stuff and not enough space. Nobody had an issue with that. Now, my Christmas gift is always a trip to the panto and for birthdays it's money or a gift card. They're 10 and 13. My brother will tell our parents what to get them for Christmas, something he knows they want and will use and so it prevents wasted money on things they don't want or need.

I see nothing wrong with telling relatives not to buy random toys and don't understand how the gift giver isn't relieved to have the burden of choosing something taken away - it's the hardest part of buying gifts!

Well, most people value human relationships more than maintaining a strict aesthetic. And those relationships usually need a bit of compromise from both sides.

You may well decide that your uncluttered home is more important than your relationships with others, but I suspect not and it would be an unusual choice. Most people compromise for a few years until children are grown.

And I do mean compromise, not give in entirely. I do agree some people go completely overboard with “a little extra thing to unwrap” (Looking at you MIL! 😅)

I do think the vast majority of us have had the same dilemma … and have compromised.

Exactly.

It’s extra jobs that no one asked for.

DH and I get a few presents for our sons and one large shared gift so they both received under 5 gifts from us and the rest is from family. Because we didn’t head to the in-laws this year, and when asked told family not to worry about it, we had much less than usual which I’m thankful for.

It’s usually two large bags full of stuff that 95% sit untouched in their rooms despite us being asked from family what they would want and saying specific gifts (vouchers to soft play) but to some aren’t real gifts. Our sons are happy with what they already have and their birthdays are not far from Christmas either. Oldest is autistic and DH moans about the clutter and just wants to throw it all in the bin and be done. I can’t bring myself to do that because it is wasteful to me when a lot of it could be donated.

I rather they be offended even though they completely ignored what we said then having to go through the extra jobs to take care of this on top of everything else that needs to be done. We’re having work done to the house so a lot will be donated and sold.

The grandparents does what she wants.
The Mum does what she wants.
Kids that need stuff get stuff.

Everyone wins.

How am I telling anyone what to do, everyone is doing what they want to do?!

We have the same from two of DH’s aunts, and if you do not send a thank you letter within FIVE days they are straight on the phone to MIL complaining. MIL, who is usually very reasonable, then harasses ME about it (I of course pass her straight onto DH; having a penis does not render him incapable of sending a card). The situation is even more batshit because the aunts have only met DD1 once, and never met DD2. They just do it because of some kind of weird social convention hangover from the 70s where it’s ‘the done thing’.

On the other hand, one of MIL’s friends from the village buys a little bag of treats for each DD at Christmas. However, she knows them, knows what they like and always thinks of space, e.g. gets them a sticker book or colouring pens, stuff they will use.

My DF however gets each of his grandchildren a book for Christmas/birthdays, then puts £100 each into savings accounts he’s set up for them. Much more sensible (even though his motivation is more to avoid having to go gift shopping!).

Why don't you buy them nothing yourself, give them cash and let the presents be from others?

Or

Ask others to buy clothes, pjs, water bottles etc practical things.

They can get a kick out of buying expensive versions of each of those. Our family do exactly that. Personally I would spend max 35 on our daughters pjs, my parents for a treat buy them ones that are 60 or 70.

This is such a depressing thread. Mumsnetters are really insane. Those poor kids growing up with such uptight and joyless parents. I don't know anyone in real life who complains about/forbids people buying their kids gifts.

Then either you are lucky to have never come across people whose gift giving is overwhelming/out of control or you know lots of people who dispose of presents without thought.

The same kids who will grow up with a climate crisis because of in part our rampant consumerism? You think they’ll consider it worth the My Little Pony knock offs they got as a 5 year old?

How does happiness relate to possessions?
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Whale-Who-Wanted-More/dp/1408349221/ref=asc_df_1408349221/

I also think compulsive buying is related to hoarding. My DM does both.
This is totally different to one of my SILs, who we don’t see that often, but has always bought spot on useful or amusing gifts for DS, or now that he is older, sends cash. There is a difference between sensible gift giving which is a pleasure for everyone, and dumping lots of stuff no one asked for or will use. The outcome I think depends on how well you know the recipient or how socially comfortable you are.

They didn't turn down the cash - they decided they wanted to donate it to a good cause.

I told them the relative would prefer it if they got/did something for themselves, and they answered 'why? We use your money for that.'

I've still to impress on them the value of saving, I'm afraid. So they're not so perfect after all.

Lucky them to have money on tap from you. Personally I think this is incredibly rude but as I said, each to their own!

I don't want to control everyone, just the stuff that comes into my house.

All my relatives are more than welcome to take dc out and treat them to whatever they want (and they do). They are also absolutely allowed to give them cash, which when they have done the dc decided to give away (and I didn't stop them because it's their choice!).

I just don't see why I should fill my house with junk that is trashing the planet, likely produced by slaves and will never ever be used.

At this point (they are teens) I wouldn't have any issues with people giving dc gifts - it would be up to dc to deal with them. But dc don't actually want random gifts. The only thing they've ever wanted which I haven't got them is airsoft guns, and I'll probably cave on that one before long, even though I don't really like them.

Just curious, what is it that is actually rude?

I think it would be the “why? We use your money for that.”. I would find that rude in a child. A lack of empathy/understanding that people work for money. A bit of an entitled attitude.

Also FWIW when people say your children are amazing and ask how you did it, they are being polite. It’s just a nice thing to say about other people’s kids and, by extension, their parenting. They are not genuinely saying that you are doing something groundbreaking. They also expect it to be said to them about their kids at some point.

And I am sure your children really are lovely. But as lovely as other children. I don’t think other children are somehow being damaged by the fact that their relatives are allowed to buy them gifts.

@zigzag716746zigzag at no point did @CatherinedeBourgh suggest that her children were better than other children. She was responding to suggestions that she was somehow damaging her kids by not allowing other people to buy them Christmas presents.

At no point did I think she was saying her children were better than other children. Perhaps you are confusing me with another poster.

I was referencing this comment ”They are the happiest, most cheerful and loving teenagers ever, to the point that everyone comments on it and many people with younger dc ask us how we did it.”

I didn't suggest my children are better, nor that other children are damaged.

However, quite a few teenagers suffer from depression (I did), including quite a few in my extended family. When people (obviously only people who get to know them reasonably well) ask us what we did, they are referencing the fact that they seem to be so bloody happy all the time, and that the 4 of us get along so well. And of course some of them are probably being polite, and I always tell them their dc are lovely too (they are), but the focus is always on how we made them so cheerful/happy, which is not just the general politeness, specially when people keep insisting.

I just say it's blind luck, as I genuinely think it mostly is. But they certainly haven't been damaged by not having a focus on material objects as a way of expressing affection, which is what many posters upthread were suggesting was/would be the case.