Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Influx of endless presents every damn year

123 replies

getthemfromlidlme · 26/12/2023 20:53

I feel terrible. About the waste and because I then feel guilty of criticising their obvious generosity and keen desire for children they love to experience joy and fun of these gifts.

I am a very minimalist person. One of my children is very specific about stuff he will even glance at, the other is a toddler.

Every year, there is an endless stream of presents from family on one side. It's nuts.

Over 50% won't ever be played with because it isn't liked or suitable. The other 50% will be used, and some of that 50% includes stuff that's fine and very suitable BUT they already have. So for example, a toy they'd like, that is the exact same as an existing toy they have but just a different make.

How do you politely say thanks but no thanks? One person in particular would quite literally accuse me of being a grinch and ruining Christmas Grin she already thinks I'm a snob.

I'm not. I just don't keep endless stuff and only keep what we love or use/need.

My Grandmother gives me cash and a small token gift.

Whereas someone else becomes Mrs Claus and it's like being given a magical sack that never stops popping the gifts

OP posts:
BunnyBunnyJabberJabber · 27/12/2023 09:58

Just smile, thank them for being so generous and quietly donate any unwanted toys to a charity or hospital who will make really good use of them.

Createausername1970 · 27/12/2023 09:58

I had this too.

I used to see what was played with. That stuff we kept.

The rest was divided between charity shop and MILs own house. When we went round, we would take a couple of the less favoured toys with us for DS to play with. They would get left there. "for DS to play with next week". Do this a few times and it soon lessened the load. If you have your parents or other relatives near by, then you can tell MIL a white lie if she asks, that the yellow dinosaur is at your parents/brothers etc., as DC has a box of toys to play with round those houses.(I am assuming she wouldn't go round there to actually check!)

If she won't listen to reason then you can't do much else other than keep the ones that are played with and ethically dispose of the ones that aren't.

LutonBeds · 27/12/2023 09:59

Used to have this. Close Friends of my parents would buy me and DB loads of stuff. Fine when we were younger but when I was older and getting into makeup they’d buy loads of really cheap stuff to make it look like
I I had loads of stuff to open.

I’d have rather them have either given me the cash equivalent or bought one, more expensive thing (eg an Urban Decay pallet) that was the same cost as all the bits of stuff but I’d have actually used.

To make it clear, I wouldn’t have minded Rimmel/Collection stuff but this was all unknown brands with zero pigment/staying power that you’d get off a market stall.

user14699084787 · 27/12/2023 09:59

We used to have too many unwanted Tat presents from people that didn’t know kids all that well but obviously felt they had to buy something!

It’s a great relief now they are teenagers and just send money!

Maybe opening a savings account/isa/premium bonds and asking people to help them save for the future would be a solution?

HAF1119 · 27/12/2023 10:04

If it's a relative you visit sometimes

'Thanks so much for your gifts they were really generous, we don't have room to keep them all can the kids have some at yours to play with when they visit? And maybe the next birthday/Xmas they open their gifts at yours and they can stay there for visits?'

They can then realise how much space they take up?

DidiAskYouThough · 27/12/2023 10:05

Tell her to keep them at her house and your kids can play with the tat when they’re there, it’ll be more special than just adding them to the piles of tat clogging up your house already. Refuse to take no for an answer, act like you’re doing her a favour.

BasinHaircut · 27/12/2023 10:21

@CatherinedeBourgh I think your approach sounds wonderful.

No more absurd than allowing people to spend tens or even hundreds of pounds on stuff no one really wants and creating a burden for the recipient in terms of both dealing with the mountain of stuff and expectation of reciprocation.

PonyPatter44 · 27/12/2023 10:23

CatherinedeBourgh · 26/12/2023 21:17

We have a hard rule of no gifts for dc, ever. We buy them all they need (and want), and it is not our job to enable our relatives to get a kick out of buying stuff they neither need nor want.

I'd have liked to be more moderate about it, but unfortunately we had relatives that were like yours so had to make it a universal blanket rule for everyone. Dc are now teens, and don't feel like they've missed out at all (and when they were given money by a relative recently donated it to charity, on the grounds that they really didn't need it!)

This is the single most miserable, uptight post I have ever seen on Mumsnet. THIS is why people make fun of us in the media.

DidiAskYouThough · 27/12/2023 10:28

@CatherinedeBourgh you missed the last sentence of your post- ‘and then everyone clapped’😇

BIossomtoes · 27/12/2023 10:28

GalileoHumpkins · 27/12/2023 09:53

Believe me that my dc's lives are nothing if not joyful. They are the happiest, most cheerful and loving teenagers ever, to the point that everyone comments on it and many people with younger dc ask us how we did it

Everyone comments on it? Everyone?

Bet they don’t.

Robbiesraft · 27/12/2023 10:28

CatherinedeBourgh · 26/12/2023 21:17

We have a hard rule of no gifts for dc, ever. We buy them all they need (and want), and it is not our job to enable our relatives to get a kick out of buying stuff they neither need nor want.

I'd have liked to be more moderate about it, but unfortunately we had relatives that were like yours so had to make it a universal blanket rule for everyone. Dc are now teens, and don't feel like they've missed out at all (and when they were given money by a relative recently donated it to charity, on the grounds that they really didn't need it!)

Ouch. Or they might have bought something themselves that they 'needed' with the money without having to ask you? Scary stuff.

Cosyblankets · 27/12/2023 10:28

CatherinedeBourgh · 26/12/2023 21:17

We have a hard rule of no gifts for dc, ever. We buy them all they need (and want), and it is not our job to enable our relatives to get a kick out of buying stuff they neither need nor want.

I'd have liked to be more moderate about it, but unfortunately we had relatives that were like yours so had to make it a universal blanket rule for everyone. Dc are now teens, and don't feel like they've missed out at all (and when they were given money by a relative recently donated it to charity, on the grounds that they really didn't need it!)

And the award for the most goady reply goes to....

Southlondoner88 · 27/12/2023 10:31

Could you ask for books only, they’re never really as wasteful as plastic toys and usually cheaper than toys anyway.

ALunchbox · 27/12/2023 10:33

I would be specific on the lead up to next Christmas: ' thank you but we don't need any more toys. Please don't buy anything or buy something from this list X, Y, Z'. Could be experiences too. T

Luckylottowinnertobe · 27/12/2023 10:34

She's buying them because it makes her feel good, that's the problem, most people enjoy going out and choosing gifts for people it gives them a temporary high.
I would say something along the lines Its really kind and generous but children don't play or bother with gifts so it's a shame to waste the money.
Would a ticket to a panto or safari park or day out be better? Maybe suggest something alongside those lines.

Whothatbe · 27/12/2023 10:39

I'd donate to charity and the rest I'd put away and if the kids have a birthday party to attend throughout the year you have presents ready to go.

thinkfast · 27/12/2023 10:41

Why can't you tell her the truth? Eg dc already has a skateboard. Would you like us to give the one you bought back to you so you can get a refund, or would you prefer us to take it to a charity shop? Ds doesn't play with xxx. Would you like us to give it back to you, or shall we donate it? Every time.

My MIL is very forthright about gifts. We have had many, many occasions in the past where she's opened a gift, said I don't like that, and handed it back. I thought this was incredibly rude but I now realise it was sensible. Wr now ask her what she'd like and get that for her. Nothing else. She's happy and we've not wasted out money.

14Q · 27/12/2023 10:45

Lampshade88 · 26/12/2023 21:01

You think your way is the best, the mother I. Law and family think their way is right. It does not really matter in the long run. Bag up the doubles and unsuitable gifts - donate to charity/regift to friends or if you like sell on Vinted, just don’t make an issue out of it. There is no polite way to say thanks but no thanks. The children will be teens in a blink and ask for money or a specific gift. It really is not worth the thought. I had the same issue and most of the junk was out of the house by end of Jan. MIL was shopping for gifts from July. I do feel your frustration but it won’t come to any good, finding peace with the differences between you will work out better.

I agree with this. Just go with the flow and don't stress about it. My kids didn't often get presents from relatives but if they did and they were useless they just said thank you and they donated the gift at a later date.

I think some people find it hard to understand how some kids and adults are not interested in getting 'stuff' for the sake of it. One of my kids has never been interested in random presents. He is in his 30s and still has no desire to receive random gifts. His girlfriend is the same. Their house is like a showhome. They spend their money on holidays and activities.

nepthysrising · 27/12/2023 10:46

We had this when ours were very small, a tidal wave of plastic tat. So the next year in about August I mentioned to all the family that we planned to buy a TP Toys garden play set with slide, swings etc. They were all welcome to chip in for Christmas, everyone was pleased not to have the bother of shopping. And by the time the babies were big enough to use it, we had a fab garden playground. Try that?

MotherOfCatBoy · 27/12/2023 11:44

It’s hard. My mother did this with DS. Some got played with, some didn’t. We rotated them and bagged some up, eventually they went to the charity shop and the church hall. Anything he enjoyed we kept even though sons of them were horrible for us (there was a toy US style fire truck with a very loud horn/ siren! 🤣 and he loved it!).
The trouble was that she would give these things in an attempt to connect and it often missed the mark. She didn’t actually play with DS - she couldn’t get down on the floor, got too tired, and often seemed disinterested once the present opening was over. It was her way of trying to have a relationship but my mother is also quite a transactional person. She didn’t have much desire to really interact.
Her childhood was wartime and poor. She never had all those things so some of it was definitely compensation for her own inner child.
Sadly now that DS is grown up (16) she has no relationship with him - she stopped trying years ago. In fact this Christmas Day she didn’t actually speak to him. I can’t get my head around it. I think it’s not malice, I think she genuinely doesn’t understand how to interact with him and sort of “can’t” do it (though my mind boggles, can’t she say something???) I veer between thinking she’s batshit and feeling very sorry for her.
Sorry for the tangent but I think there’s a link between lots of plastic tat and using it as a substitute for being able to relate to people, whether that’s the parents or the child. They’re not picking up on social signals or understanding the child’s preferences. It’s kind of emotionally tone deaf although it might come from a good place.

Iamthatgenius · 27/12/2023 12:11

and it is not our job to enable our relatives to get a kick out of buying stuff they neither need nor want

Take a deep breath, this is a shocker, but sometimes people do things to make others happy, and take pleasure from pleasing others, and sometimes enjoy little treats and gifts and unexpected things, and then everyone's happy and there's something called 'joy' in ones life. It's novel I know, but it's fine once you get used to it.

witmum · 27/12/2023 12:14

I now ask for experiences with the person. Trip to the zoo or theatre.

For me I ask for consumables like body wash that I use,

I also provide ideas (including links) of what my son would like.

Garden toys are also my preference as they don't need to be in the my way in the house.

Willmafrockfit · 27/12/2023 12:21

sort out before christmas, you know you will receive gifts
give to charity before or even after

DidiAskYouThough · 27/12/2023 12:38

@Iamthatgenius the OP is not being pleased, her kids are not being pleased. Dumping a load of tat on someone to make yourself feel good is not ‘joy’.

BasinHaircut · 27/12/2023 13:09

I genuinely think there are 2 types of people when it comes to things like this:

  1. Those who like ‘stuff’, and so like to both give and receive stuff
  2. Those who hate ‘stuff’, and so don’t really care for either mindless gift buying or receiving.

And one type can’t understand the other.

I’m in camp number 2 and so I’d rather someone take me out to dinner, or to the theatre, or for any other type of experience if they feel the need to spend money on me.

My home is small and I hate clutter, and so the things I have in my home I’d rather choose myself.

When DS was small he had so much stuff (that we kept out of obligation) and it really made me miserable. He is 10 now and his presents are clothes, sports/hobby equipment, smellies, cash etc and it’s is so liberating.

My MIL likes to spend obscene amounts on all of us at Xmas and last year we convinced her to buy all 3 of us Merlin passes instead of the piles of stuff and we have had an amazing year making use of those, such great value.

Swipe left for the next trending thread