Page 4 | Influx of endless presents every damn year

getthemfromlidlme · 2023-12-26T20:53:04+00:00

I feel terrible. About the waste and because I then feel guilty of criticising their obvious generosity and keen desire for children they love to experience joy and fun of these gifts. I am a very minimalist person. One of my children is very specific about stuff he will even glance at, the other is a toddler. Every year, there is an endless stream of presents from family on one side. It's nuts. Over 50% won't ever be played with because it isn't liked or suitable. The other 50% will be used, and some of that 50% includes stuff that's fine and very suitable BUT they already have. So for example, a toy they'd like, that is the exact same as an existing toy they have but just a different make. How do you politely say thanks but no thanks? One person in particular would quite literally accuse me of being a grinch and ruining Christmas [grin] she already thinks I'm a snob. I'm not. I just don't keep endless stuff and only keep what we love or use/need. My Grandmother gives me cash and a small token gift. Whereas someone else becomes Mrs Claus and it's like being given a magical sack that never stops popping the gifts

FestiveFruitloop · 27/12/2023 13:13

Can you not just quietly re-gift/donate what isn't wanted, and try to appreciate the sentiment behind the gift-giving?

NoSquirrels · 27/12/2023 13:21

If these people are your in-laws, tell your partner to deal with it. Don’t engage. You get the blame for being joyless about it because it looks like it’s you that’s driving the minimalist approach - and you admit as much.

So either get him to tell them no thanks, or if he thinks it’s fine then just own it and say ‘You’re right, it does seem a bit boring to you I’m sure but DS/DD/DC honestly don’t play with half of it - I’m happy for them to have anything they like or use but mostly they don’t choose to play with all the stuff so we give it to charity after a while.’

cigarettesNalcohol · 27/12/2023 13:23

Just save them and re gift the unwanted presents to your DC's friends.

LittleLegsKeepGoing · 27/12/2023 13:27

This year my youngest waited until we were alone and asked why MIL (her gran) kept buying stuff to try and make her into a different person.

It's difficult to frame to a tween that MIL is buying stuff she likes because she doesn't actually care about how the gifts are received, just that she bought such 'lovely' things which can be used as evidence as to her wonderful grandmotherly credentials. That she doesn't know her granddaughter would prefer walking boots over a sparkly pink hat (for example) shows how little attention she's paying to her I literally cannot think of a time when my youngest has ever worn anything pink or sparkly in 11 years

My daughter is no brat, she was grateful and enthusiastic about the gifts in person. In reality though probably only £15 worth of the presents will be truly appreciated or used. The rest is a complete waste of money and hassle for me to get rid of.

MIL won't listen when we try steering her towards gifts that our children would truly love to receive so it's rinse and repeat every year unless we want to upset her. Frankly, we go with the easier option of just smiling politely when it's gift giving time.

YANBU OP, it's utterly frustrating to be ignored repeatedly and to see the wastage that goes with it.

Raincloudsonasunnyday · 27/12/2023 13:30

My MiL used to do this. I felt the way you do. After the fourth Christmas, when she subsequently asked “so how is she enjoying the Sylvanian bits and pieces” I said “oh, I’ve put them to one side for now. She’s so busy with nursery and the daily routine, her existing toys barely get a look in. I’ll bring them out the next time I go through her stuff”. And, that never happened. Not deliberately but because it got to the next summer and she got MORE gifts for her birthday. I regifted everything. MIL got the hint. Since then it’s been clothes (many of which are donated) and books.

nc321152 · 27/12/2023 13:41

This resonated with me so much, I could have written it. I find it so stressful watching my house fill up with stuff every Christmas and birthday.

I wait till no one is around and gather up all the things I think can go straight to charity. I hide it for a couple of weeks first to see if anyone notices its absence. No one ever does...

ForTonightGodisaDJ · 27/12/2023 13:46

This is a non-issue. Give the stuff you've already got away to charity. And the stuff they don't like.

Bearbookagainandagain · 27/12/2023 13:52

We have the same issue. But now we do a selection of things we think will be used. We leave the rest unopened, and I like to think about all the happy children once I drop those new toys off at a baby bank or other charity!

We have told them nicely though and it did help.

Katypp · 27/12/2023 13:53

CatherinedeBourgh · 26/12/2023 21:17

We have a hard rule of no gifts for dc, ever. We buy them all they need (and want), and it is not our job to enable our relatives to get a kick out of buying stuff they neither need nor want.

I'd have liked to be more moderate about it, but unfortunately we had relatives that were like yours so had to make it a universal blanket rule for everyone. Dc are now teens, and don't feel like they've missed out at all (and when they were given money by a relative recently donated it to charity, on the grounds that they really didn't need it!)

Seriously, what have we become?
When your desire to control every aspect if your child's life with joyless and self-centered rules such as these (with additional virtue signalling for good measure) I think we've gone too far really.
The poster clearly thinks she has been very clever too

Humphhhh · 27/12/2023 13:53

getthemfromlidlme · 26/12/2023 21:02

Thank you. So I got them about 4 gifts to open. I don't go mad at all and they get stuff as and when etc

But this particular person I'm thinking of would think I'm a right cow and accuse me of being a soulless, boring beige mum. She would say I don't let my kids have a childhood and need to 'let go a bit' (she's said so before)

She always says she loves spoiling the kids at Christmas (she has 7 to buy for in total) and that it's her 'thing'

It's really, really hard because I know she absolutely wouldn't agree to giving money towards something like an experience or for their savings. Alongside a token gift or something like that. I also think it's a bit cheeky to directly ask for cash but not sure what else to suggest because it's all just too much

I have nowhere to put all this stuff and feel too bad to give it away to charity I am really strict about clutter and stuff being about the place without a home but it's different when it's just been given as a loving gift

She's not doing it for you, or the child, she's doing it for herself. You also need to do what's right for you and get rid somehow. Lots of places take unused boxed toys for children that don't have anything. Win win.

Hastheslotharrivedyet · 27/12/2023 13:58

Take it all to a charity shop or donate to local kids in need of presents of which I’m sure there are loads.

Jesusmaryjosephandtheweedon · 27/12/2023 14:02

CatherinedeBourgh · 26/12/2023 21:17

We have a hard rule of no gifts for dc, ever. We buy them all they need (and want), and it is not our job to enable our relatives to get a kick out of buying stuff they neither need nor want.

I'd have liked to be more moderate about it, but unfortunately we had relatives that were like yours so had to make it a universal blanket rule for everyone. Dc are now teens, and don't feel like they've missed out at all (and when they were given money by a relative recently donated it to charity, on the grounds that they really didn't need it!)

Wow that's harsh. Could they not even put the money in savings for when they are older and need a car or a house??

Your children's relatives getting joy from gifting them a present is such a lovely experience. I do feel sorry for them.

Merrymouse · 27/12/2023 14:03

Just be honest. There is a middle ground between being a beige mum and being overwhelmed with presents that will be ignored.

If they care about your child they will want to give to them in a way that is appreciated. If they don’t care, then you can pass on the toys without guilt.

Jesusmaryjosephandtheweedon · 27/12/2023 14:06

CatherinedeBourgh · 27/12/2023 08:52

The responses to my post are predictable, and depressing.

It's amazing how our culture has come to see material objects, including unwanted tat, as 'joyful' and rejecting them as 'joyless'.

Believe me that my dc's lives are nothing if not joyful. They are the happiest, most cheerful and loving teenagers ever, to the point that everyone comments on it and many people with younger dc ask us how we did it.

The fact is that buying gifts is often used as an excuse to not engage emotionally. Relatives can often feel like they 'did their job' by buying crap that the child will get nothing out of, and so do not have to make the actual effort to engage with the child on the things the child is interested in.

Relatives who have relationships with our dc are the ones who have made an effort to get to know them, do things with them and are interested in them as people. There is no need for any 'stuff' in that.

Not necessarily, a lot of presents gifted to our kids are vouchers for a cinema trip, or my folks are bringing all the grandkids to the panto this evening as their Christmas present. Blanket ban means even that is not acceptable. I always promote spending time over money and gifts. The face on my 4yo last night when gp's told them about the panto was just priceless. She loved it last year and they knew that so it's thoughtful appropriate gifts, not tat. But hey, each to their own.

Katypp · 27/12/2023 14:08

Humphhhh · 27/12/2023 13:53

She's not doing it for you, or the child, she's doing it for herself. You also need to do what's right for you and get rid somehow. Lots of places take unused boxed toys for children that don't have anything. Win win.

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And why shouldn't she do it for herself. The constant theme on MN is do things for yourself - regardless of anyone else - but it's not on when someone else does what they want to do.
You even tell the OP to do what's right for them in your post!
So who decides whose selfishness wins?

LoreleiG · 27/12/2023 14:10

CatherinedeBourgh · 26/12/2023 21:17

We have a hard rule of no gifts for dc, ever. We buy them all they need (and want), and it is not our job to enable our relatives to get a kick out of buying stuff they neither need nor want.

I'd have liked to be more moderate about it, but unfortunately we had relatives that were like yours so had to make it a universal blanket rule for everyone. Dc are now teens, and don't feel like they've missed out at all (and when they were given money by a relative recently donated it to charity, on the grounds that they really didn't need it!)

Well you sound like a joy. Do you have control issues? My kids wouldn’t be turning down cash but each to their own.

LlynTegid · 27/12/2023 14:10

Whatever you decide, say so early in the autumn, explain why (even if it is dressed up in not the real reason, for example you don't want spoilt children).

Sunshineandrainbow · 27/12/2023 14:15

I feel your pain op.
I have had this for 23 years. A relative buys each child a massive sack of stuff birthday and Christmas. It actually makes me feel depressed. We have a four room house and no where to put anything. The house is a mess without more stuff added to it.
I can't ask the person for voucher or money, that would be unheard of. They like to buy stuff through the year in various sales.
I hate the waste of money to with the fact that it goes straight to the charity shop.

zigzag716746zigzag · 27/12/2023 14:26

The thing is, you are trying to control everyone, but with children that’s not necessarily good or healthy. You can do it to an extent, but everyone (yourself included) will be happier if you can unclench a little. So … wish list, requests, and an acknowledgement that some things may need to be quietly disposed of (Vinted, donation, whatever) but also that children come with a bit of mess and clutter, and family come with a bit of give and take.

Your perfectly controlled minimalist home was a single/couple thing and you need to let it go a little bit now that other people live there too. And “how you want to raise your child” is a mindset, not an aesthetic.

Katypp · 27/12/2023 14:33

LoreleiG · 27/12/2023 14:10

Well you sound like a joy. Do you have control issues? My kids wouldn’t be turning down cash but each to their own.

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Yes but this poster's children are so perfect they don't want cash.

Naptrappedmummy · 27/12/2023 14:47

Kernackered · 26/12/2023 21:13

Surely you just sell it cheap and quickly in vinted? Loads of others are. If you feel guilty, put the money into kids accounts for when they need to buy a car or whatever. You don't need to make this such a big deal.

It’s not that simple. It’s so much time and effort getting rid of things. Photographing it, making the listing, then having to print the label off, package it up and send it off. And that’s assuming somebody buys, otherwise the stuff hangs about in the house for months. If you have to do that for 30+ items it takes forever and is a total pain.

Naptrappedmummy · 27/12/2023 14:49

And YANBU OP. My heart sank as DD unwrapped all the plastic tat, all the little bits going everywhere; me wondering where the fuck to store it all and how much of it would end up in the hoover or down the back of the sofa. Amazon has a lot to answer for TBH as it’s so easy to buy tat in bulk. DSis is wonderful at choosing gifts and buys one or two thoughtful toys (always something like Fisher Price or sylvanian families), an item of clothing from Jojo or similar, and a book.

Original poster

getthemfromlidlme · 27/12/2023 14:50

zigzag716746zigzag · 27/12/2023 14:26

The thing is, you are trying to control everyone, but with children that’s not necessarily good or healthy. You can do it to an extent, but everyone (yourself included) will be happier if you can unclench a little. So … wish list, requests, and an acknowledgement that some things may need to be quietly disposed of (Vinted, donation, whatever) but also that children come with a bit of mess and clutter, and family come with a bit of give and take.

Your perfectly controlled minimalist home was a single/couple thing and you need to let it go a little bit now that other people live there too. And “how you want to raise your child” is a mindset, not an aesthetic.

Why? Nobody needs loads of 'stuff'

OP posts:

Teenagersscarethelivinshitoutofme · 27/12/2023 14:50

My now xmil still does this and DD is 18. She's always valued quantity over quality and DD gets given a huge amount of crap she neither wants nor needs. It's a depressing waste of money and also shows how little the woman knows her own grandchild.

hollyholey · 27/12/2023 14:56

I think I would maybe put together a shareable gift list and ask that people stick to it if possible, or alternately they get a voucher so you can choose something ahead of time maybe.

It is hard and for me I still get stressed thinking of all the wasted money, plastic, and general crap that will never get looked at.

For stocking fillers that go unused (small toys etc) I keep a basket and put them in there and re-use them a couple of years later when DC have forgotten about them. They then go back in the basket again! Or I reuse them in goodie bags for kids parties or similar in future.

Any toys that are unplayed with can be regifted etc. Again put them in a basket and give them out next year.

I don't think you can reasonably put too many limits on things that others buy but you can adjust your own buying a bit to account for the extras that are bought - cut down a bit. For example, I know my own parents buy loads of chocolate and sweets so I have stopped buying these things for my own DC lest they end up with a mountain of junkfood that is completely over and above what is reasonable.