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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Did I ruin Christmas

132 replies

Helphelpx · 26/12/2023 16:04

Have I ruined Christmas?
I have a 3.5 year old, a 2.5 year old and a 3.5month old. I'm exhausted. Im on maternity leave but I have zero help. Partner works 24/7 and gets called into work constantly. He is however an excellent father in everyway.

I have zero help from his mum who lives 2 hours away. She will call up every few weeks and we will visit.

My own mother does my childcare when I work but does zero while I'm on maternity.

By no help I mean absolutely zero.i love both very much but it is extremely hard.

Over the last few months since baby has been born we have had a lot of fights with me being very dramatic. This usually includes me getting annoyed about doing all washing, shopping, cooking, appointments, clothes shopping, ironing, organizing etc. ALL. As well as having a newborn that I exclusively breastfeed. Again partner is amazing and helpful dad and works very hard. But will not acknowledge how hard it is at times for me managing the 3 including bedtimes alone with zero help. Example, mum came to visit 3 days after baby was born. She and partner sat in room with kids while I made a home cooked meal, did washing and cleaned. Taking painkillers for pain and break to feed baby. I also was very huffing and clearly annoyed.

On boxing day we usually go to his mum's for dinner with entire extended family. In the time leading up to this day I repeatedly said it will be stressful as my newborn hate the car and I will have to organize everything.

We ended up having a huge fight as I had to give him step by steps instructions to get himself ready- go get ready, pack bag etc while in a panic to keep baby up so she would sleep in the car.

This led to a huge fight and I ended up not going. He left with two older kids alone and very annoyed. His entire family will be there and I'm sure it will be a bit awkward along with family annoyed I did not make the effort and they will not see youngest daughter.

Am I unreasonable? Have I ruined Christmas? I feel like I'm constantly with kids, working to keep house etc for everyone else and not one person would say you must be exhausted etc

OP posts:

Volatileisla · 26/12/2023 16:09

You are exhausted. I would book a hotel room and take the newborn and go have a night or two away with just the baby, sleep and relax and have time to bond and let partner look after everything else. Then on the return have a calm talk about everything.

Birdcar · 26/12/2023 16:10

You're not unreasonable. You haven't ruined Christmas. You do, however, have to stop being a martyr and have to start saying no to things. Cooking a meal for visitors when you have a 3 day old baby is insane.

CandyLeBonBon · 26/12/2023 16:10

This is your third child with this man. What has life been like with the first and second?

IgnoranceNotOk · 26/12/2023 16:11

I don’t think either of you are being unreasonable here - except to have another baby if you knew he works all the time and you get no help from mum and MIL.

YABU to moan that you get no help from mum and MIL especially if your mum does your childcare when you work - she’s probably enjoying a break during your maternity.

It’s going to be hard - you have 3 very young children so lack of sleep, housework and being needed all the time is going to be what this time is.
Could DH drop hours at work? Could you afford that? On his days off could he cook or tidy a bit so it’s fairer or does he not have days off?
takeaway/micro meal/cleaner to give you a bit of a break?

InBedBy10 · 26/12/2023 16:15

You say your partner is a great dad. How can he be a great dad if he's constantly working and does nothing around the house?

Why is he constantly working? Are you sure he's actually at work all the time or just using it as an excuse to check out of family life?

Looking after 3 very young children alone is hard. He needs to step up and start pulling his weight with the children and around the house or fights like this will keep happening. I've been there OP, the resentment will eat at you.

You need to have a very frank conversation. He's taking you and all you do for granted.

neilyoungismyhero · 26/12/2023 16:16

It is hard when you have no support from anyone but honestly how did you expect to cope with 3 children with these age gaps? Plus a husband who is permanently on call? Your choice, why should your/his relatives be expected to pitch in.

PurplePansy05 · 26/12/2023 16:16

I have to ask that question, why have 3 children in such quick succession with so little external help and with a partner who works irregular hours all over the place as you've described?

I think you know it's a recipe for disaster in terms of you being exhausted and overstressed. I think it's only fair to go into this with your eyes wide open and to have open conversations with DP as to how life needs to become much more organised with him bearing a larger load. You're arguing because you're doing too much on your own and it's obviously unsustainable. I think not turning up at Christmas and splitting your family like you have is very unreasonable though.

toomanyleggings · 26/12/2023 16:17

You sound frazzled. Unsurprising with 3 that age. Something would have to give somewhere if you don’t have any help. You can’t do childcare, cook and clean. Do the older two go to nursery? As for today I think you’ve got over wrought trying to micro manage him. If dh can’t help you because he’s at work you need to start cutting some corners, switch to bottle feeding ( it’s not poison), ready meals, get a cleaner if you can afford or just drop your standards until they’re all in childcare.

CurlsnSunshinetime4tea · 26/12/2023 16:18

You have not ruined Christmas for anyone but yourself.
three young kids is very hard work but no one works 24/7 your partner sounds unhelpful so quit saying how great he is.

MargotBamborough · 26/12/2023 16:19

Birdcar · 26/12/2023 16:10

This.

festivepains · 26/12/2023 16:19

Was it like this when you just had the one?

KylieJennersMakeUpSponge · 26/12/2023 16:19

No. He ruined YOUR Christina’s be behaving like a man child and not supporting you with your kids.

Im guessing he has a responsible job right that requires brains, critical thinking and decision making? And yet he can’t even take a trip to his mum’s without being babied? How off putting

festivepains · 26/12/2023 16:20

CurlsnSunshinetime4tea · 26/12/2023 16:18

You have not ruined Christmas for anyone but yourself.
three young kids is very hard work but no one works 24/7 your partner sounds unhelpful so quit saying how great he is.

I agree
He can't even pack a bag.

What a loser

CandyLeBonBon · 26/12/2023 16:20

I also think it's unfair to expect your own mother/mil to feel obligated to offer free childcare. It's a privilege not a right. By the time you've raised your own kids to adulthood of course you dont necessarily want to offer endless childcare all over again. If someone wants to great, but it absolutely shouldn't be an expectation and isn't it interesting that the expectation only ever extends to women.

Op, you haven't ruined Christmas. But your dp/dh doesn't ACTUALLY work 24/7 - even if he works difficult shifts - so there's definitely a conversation to be had with him about how to make this work. What's the broader picture here?

KylieJennersMakeUpSponge · 26/12/2023 16:20

But the PA huffing and puffing has to stop. Open your mouth and say “Oi adults, get off your backsides and help me here”. They are ignoring your huffing but will not be able to ignore an outright request. Stop being a martyr!

Lovemybunnies · 26/12/2023 16:21

You did the right thing and I would have done the same. You have to look after you as no one else is!

Original poster

Helphelpx · 26/12/2023 16:21

Thank you all for your responses. I cannot stress enough that he is an extremely amazing hands on father but the amount of practical help he can offer is minimal due to work.

However I feel like acknowledging how much I do would make it easier for me to continue.

I also feel like it is just extremely stressful having 3 under 4. This baby will not take dummy or bottle so I have not left him ever or had any sort of break even for a few hours.

@IgnoranceNotOk I feel like I often will tell myself everything you are saying when I feel annoyed at my mum/his. I do however mean zero help. As in I'm unsure if my mother has held my baby at this point. No present when born, no acknowledgement of how hard things must be or simple practical help. But I will say I think overall you are right.

This baby was a very big surprise! AFTER husband had the snip.

I'm just feeling a bit sorry for myself. I feel like I've ruined this time and that I'm constantly sabotaging everything. But then on the other hand I'm genuinely exhausted and finding it hard. I find when other two I would rush to make everything easier for everyone but this time I don't think it's unreasonable to say I just cannot take baby on 4 hours round trip to please everyone but me.

I really appreciate all the answers.

OP posts:

Iouis · 26/12/2023 16:22

No one works 24/7. He's not a good Dad if he leaves everything to you.

I do think YABU to huff and puff at family because you didn't want to cook though. They are your kids. Just don't cook in that scenario!

GotMooMilk · 26/12/2023 16:23

I wouldn’t say you ruined Christmas but having 3 small kids when you know how hard they are and that family don’t help is a choice? Your DH should help when not at work obviously but when I was on mat leave I expected to do all life admin etc. granted I had a bigger age gap and stuck to two (by choice) as obviously 3 under 4 is horrific!

draw a line under it and move on.

CandyLeBonBon · 26/12/2023 16:26

@Helphelpx I really do understand how relentless it is, but this situation is unsustainable and conversations need to be had when you're both alone.

If he's dismissing your concerns then he's not as good an egg as you think he is.

MargotBamborough · 26/12/2023 16:26

OP, he can't be hands on and also offering minimal practical help. If he is offering minimal practical help he is hands off.

You are exhausted and burnt out because you are effectively solo parenting and this is the result.

Why did he let you slave away in the kitchen cooking for him and his mother at 3 days postpartum? He should have been cooking, his mother should have been looking after the older two, and you should have been in bed with the baby.

peakygold · 26/12/2023 16:28

Why on earth would you have a third child? Are you planning any more?

ViolinSpin · 26/12/2023 16:29

OP your life sounds incredibly busy and hard
You must be absolutely exhausted.

I agree with PPs that it may be dissapointing your mum and MIL don't help but it's not the main point.

The issue seems to be DP sitting on his backside when you had a 3 day old! He wasn't working then and should have helped.

He also sounds very immature if he cannot pack a bag. You have to speak to him about it all and be very clear with what you want. If he is a good man he will take note.

I hope you can relax a bit today with the baby.

Happy Christmas.

HerMammy · 26/12/2023 16:31

Again partner is amazing and helpful dad
stop trotting this out, he's not, he sat on his arse when you freshly post partum were stuck in the kitchen.
You're arguing about needing help, he's not amazing.

Blueberry911 · 26/12/2023 16:33

You have low standards of amazing and hands on.

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